A place to talk death and dying issues

ma111

I cannot find the how I want to be remembered thread.

Texas, your childern are so young and I remember other stories about your family. In the end, maybe hospice will help out to teach them what they need help with. They say that hospice helps the whole familoy and sticks around after we are gone. You can only do so much now. My daughter found it freaky when I was trying to teach her basics of banking.

chrissyb

I'll bump it for you ma111

K-Lo

Topic: How Would You Like To Be Remembered?



Would people try to keep this one active? Give more folks a chance to post.......

steelrose

ma... I hope your walking is improving every day. I'm back on my feet now but after my spinal surgery... grrrrrr... let's just say it was long and frustrating. Hang in there and keep your faith! I want to thank you again for starting this thread. You seem like a very kind, compassionate lady. I'm slowing coming to terms with these issues, and glad that there's a safe place to discuss them. Love to you...

texasrose... Reading about your daughter learning how to do the dishes made me so sad. I lost my Mom early on and I wanted to help my Dad out so badly. I wasn't very good at cooking or cleaning, so I do think you are absolutely doing the right thing by teaching your daughter now. Still it breaks my heart... it SHOULD NOT BE HAPPENING! I want reasons and answers but there are none. I hope you will be around for your daughter for many years to come! 

I'm not afraid to die, but as others have said it makes me so darn sad to leave the people I love. I look at the dear, sweet man in my life who has been with me for 20 years and I see his fear. We're only in our 40's and this seems so premature. And we have so much fun together no matter what we do...  I know I'll always want just one more day, just one more week...

We teach each other how to cope here. I am very grateful for all of you.

xoxo

Rose.

   

ma111

Rose,

 I am glad you are back on your feet again. I have to say, when I have major problems with everyday life, That's when my menality gets the worst. I am also in my 40's, and it is pre mature. My walking has improved, but get so weak and tired. Love back at you!!

reesie

I had my case manager from bcbs send me advance directive info - what she sent was a packet prepared by the state with sample fill in tbe blank forms. Just reading through the packet is hard. I know it's something I have to do now while I "healthy" but.....



I cried a couple of times just reading through it. I can't imagine what it's going to be like when I'm actually completing it with my DH.

ma111

ressie,

It is very hard to do the advance directive. It is important though so that your wishes are granted and so that your dh knows what you want.

Crying is part of it.

Sorry you are going through this.

Hugs to you.

K-Lo

AHA! This is a good thread! Thx for guidance.

Now. Cremation or not. Is there a generational change? The early funeral followed by trip to cemetery always seemed healthy "for closure". Actual closure!

But our families are all over the country. I will be too if cremated. I was thinking to ask to be sprinkled in the Atlantic, gulf, and Pacific. That would require them to plan some trips to all the places we love. We can float in the warm gulf for hours, soon that's a very nice concept.

Hugs kathy

3jaysmom

bump

ma111

My plans are for cremation after 1 day of viewing. I have arranged a rental casket. However, some people need a place to visit, so my ashes will be in the ground.

I think there is a generation change, but our parents will adjust. It is so much cheaper. Even to just open and close the grave site, vault. And, it is cheaper to rent a nice wood casket then to buy the cheapest metal one.

alesta29

I was looking at some papier mache coffins on line recently. Don't think I could go for the big wooden job - it's the thrifty Scot in me! Had this great idea that I would be transported in a VW camper and will have a Humanist celebration with some nice music and a slide show.

My friend who died a couple of years ago was training to be a vicar and in the church, they had this great slide show set up with photos of her from different stages of her life which was really lovely. Then we went to the local pub opposite the church for a wake.

There doen't seem to be much of a viewing tradition here in the UK. Don't think I've ever been to a funeral where there was a viewing. I think it's a good thing for young folk to see dead people. Death has become this shadowy thing that is either not talked about or Hollywood-ised and I think a lot of people have forgotten that it is just a part of the circle.

SelenaWolf

Although I'm not living with Stage 4, I do work in the death-care industry; specifically for a cemetery administration office that sells cemetery property, arranges for digging, etc...  So, if I may, here are my "two cents" for your consideration:

If you do have definite ideas about how/if you want a cemetery burial, and if finances allow, visit a funeral home/cemetery and pre-plan.  The staff can guide you step-by-step through the process and answer all your questions.  It's what they do for a living, so they will be direct in their answers and will not consider any questions morbid or inappropriate.

Ask about pre-payment options.  Some cemeteries have them and you may be able to, gradually, pay for your funeral/burial - in advance - by monthly installments.  Before you commit to a pre-payment plan, be sure you understand the terms and conditions.  Some cemeteries charge interest on the outstanding balance and, if you pass away before paying off the plan, some cemeteries may insist on full payment before your burial can take place.  

Cremation is becoming more popular for several reasons.  It is much less expensive than a traditional burials and people are becoming more "green".  As a result, some cemeteries have cremation only graves (smaller and, therefore, less expensive than a full grave) and a few are introducing scattering gardens.

If you opt for a traditional burial (i.e., casket), make sure you understand the by-laws (regulations) of the cemetery you wish to be laid-to-rest in.  Some cemeteries (at least, here in Canada) are making crypts/vaults mandatory because it lessens cemetery upkeep.  It may be an extra expense that you/your family are not expecting.

Weekend (Saturday/Sunday) burials are, often, more expensive because the cemetery has to call in workers and pay them overtime.

Many people have very definite ideas about tombstones and memorialization.  I've found that some families  - who purchase in advance - and weren't thinking about memorialization when they purchased, are shocked and dismayed when they find out that they've bought property in an area of the cemetery that only allows flat markers when they want an upright one.  So ... double-check when you begin to consider buying property.

Some cemeteries offer "one-stop shopping".  You can arrange your funeral, your burial, floral tributes, and monuments/markers all at the cemetery.  Other cemeteries only offer burial, so you will need to shop around for a monument/marker on your own.  Before purchasing anything, make sure you understand if your chosen cemetery has monument/marker size restrictions, so that you/your family are not unpleasantly surprised if the cemetery rejects your chosen monument. 

This sounds crass, but shop around, especially with privately-owned cemeteries.  Each one will have price lists, regulations, and maintenance practices that will be slightly different.  Prices, often, go up every year and/or without notice.  Ask questions.  Read their by-laws.  Take notes.  Ask more questions.  Keep a file.

ma111

I don't think paper mache would hold the weight of my body. I stick with renting the wood one. I might do my own picture thing though. I don't trust my family.

scuttlers

I am thinking of ordering a kit and having one of my talented BIL's put it together. I just can't justify the cost they are charging at the funeral home. Although Costco has some nice ones which are reasonable.

CoolBreeze

Selena, what experience do you have with atheist memorial services?  I'm an athiest and obviously am not interested in having a religious figure speak at my memorial but I am wondering what other people do? Obviously, I wouldn't want to put that burden on my family.

Thanks! 

exbrnxgrl

My dear sisters,

Your humor, pragmatism, practicality and maturity are inspiring. I have only been stage IV for a few months, only dx less than a year ago. Right now I am carrying on fairly normally, save for too many medical appts., but I know my run won't last forever. As I move through each phase of this weird journey (yes, it seems so weird!) I know that all who have experienced this will see mr through in many ways.

Caryn

silentbell

Hi there SelenaWolf

Trying to say this nice but .....Lay off the suck pills

CoolBreeze

Hi there SelenaWolf
Trying to say this nice but .....Lay off the suck pills

Silentbell, what does this mean?  I am confused.  I thought Selena's post was very helpful?  Maybe I don't know what suck pills are....? 

texasrose361

Cool breeze i do not know (because of my lack of experince) whom would speak at a non-religious funeral. I would assume that it would be someone that knows you because the person that speaks is usually a leader in the deceased's congergation. (and knows the person so they can speak about their life)  Do you have a trusted co-worker or friend???

I also thought Selena's post was helpful- especially when thinking of the expense it would really suck if the family got stuck with unknown added expenses that they cant afford.

exbrnxgrl

I don't know what a suck pill is either. I thought the post was informative. Anyone?

Caryn

3jaysmom

i know i bumped this thread, so i wanted you to know who i am.. i am not stage iv with cancer, but am facing the same questions/preperations/ decisions you all are. i have been told just recently my ms has progressed thru to the brain stem.. not good news.. so, although (i don't think) the bc will "get" me before the ms. you never know..as many of my stage iv friends say, "we're all just one test away"

 i'm asking if its okay with yuou for me to be here, if im not welcome, i'll understand.. the struglle isn't the same, cause the disease is different.. the decisions,questions are the same.. what ARE "suck" pills??? 3jaysmom

texasrose361

3jaysmom,

you're totally welcome. Death isnt selective to whom it takes and by what means, but we still have to prepare for it much in the same way  

scuttlers

I also thought Selena's post was very appropriate and helpful.



CoolB, I am actually meeting with the funeral home this week to make sure MY final wishes are outlined, understood, and ready. I am opting out of the "traditional" funeral gathering. No friggin' speeches, no preaching, and no "she went peacefully" crap. And no gone to a better place. Those who know me, know I've fought tooth and nail, and would not believe it anyway. I told DH that a small gathering at the cemetery to place my ashes is as formal as it is going to get. A lone bagpipe will play one song. And then back to the house for drinks and eats and good music (if they want). I am just hoping the funeral home will accept the homemade "box" I've chosen.

exbrnxgrl

How can I sleep without knowing what a suck pil is and why selenawolf should lay off? Oh, wait , just concluded the last of 26 parent/ teacher conferences, so I will sleep but would like to know what that means.

Caryn

justjudie

suck pill??? I thought selena's post very helpful.





Judie

jeanne46

One of the most fulfilling things I have done is to decide on my final resting place, which works for me and my family members. For a long time I was just stuck on that decision. Having recently updated my medical directives and completed the Five Wishes form as an addendum, I feel much more at peace with those issues having been addressed, too. And talking to my Dh and kids about my preferences has also helped me feel more prepared. Am I ready to check out? No way. But at least I have a plan.

And who knows what the morrow may bring?

alesta29

@3jays

Sorry to hear about what you're dealing with. Of course you are welcome here - we don't have the monopoly on dying 

@selenawolf

Really useful information and not just for those in the USA - thanks.

@coolbreeze

Ann, I don't know if you have any experience of Humanist ceremonies. There is some info on celebrants here: http://humanist-society.org/celebrants/

I had a Humanist ceremony when I got married and also had a naming ceremony for one of my kids. The celebrant we chose spent a lot of time with us over a few days and we wrote the words for our vows with him. It wasn't very expensive - we just paid his travelling expenses and around £100 on top of that for his services; pretty good, given that he probably spent a good 6-8 hours with us.

I think where celebrants can be particularly good is where someone wants to talk but doesn't feel able to because they don't think they will be able to get through it without breaking down. They can talk to the celebrant and they can say the words instead. I know friends cn do this as well but sometimes I think it is such a huge responsibility and something that people worry about.

Laurie 

chrissyb

I know where I will be buried as I will be buried with my son.  As for the funeral, I have told my children and my husband that I want people to be happy and celebrate my life and not to be all sad and morose. 

3jays you are more than welcome here....this thread is not just for stage IV as we all, BC and non BC will eventually die the only difference may be the when.

I thought the post from Selenawolf was particularly pertinent and would like to thank her for taking the time to let others know of the potential pit falls and hidden costs that may be encountered if one is not super careful.

Love n hugs Chrissy

ma111

Jaysmom, You are welcome to be here! Let's lay off the suck pill thing, it's old already.

I feel better that I have things planned out. I have also told 2 of my siblings what they are.

I didn't think of making my own box/urn. They do change the inards of the rental casket after each use.

apple

Thank you Selena... very helpful.

Mr. apple and I made arrangements just his last year.. and bought a shelf.  I'd actually like to buy a piano shaped object to rest my ashes in.. that's probably not allowed.  The shelf is actually kind of cool, accessible and sheltered... and after one day of rented viewing.  (i hope to have something kind of jazzy or not so frilly.