A place to talk death and dying issues
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3jaymom, I am so glad that he now knows you final wishes and won't change them come time too. Family can do that if we are not properly prepared. Nice picture and I hope you had a lot of bonding time last night.
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Bon, that is SUCH a good way to do it.. papers and all.... thanks, not.. wonderful insight as usual... (((((jeanne))))))))))))))0
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Thinking of you, Jeanne.
Lane
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Since I'm on SSDI and considered low-income, went to Legal Aid of AZ and was assigned a po-bono lawyer who drew up all my documents - will, medical and financial power of attorney, etc. all at no cost. My case is fairly easy as I only have one daughter, own my home and have no other assets. Although I'm doing well today, it sure is a comfort to know everything is legally taken care of should my health take a major dump.
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I just read nots post and I wanted to say that even though it sounds 'out there' my sister really did get to a place where she was peaceful. She'd been so worried about her husband and son but then some how relaxed and said they will be ok there is nothing more i can do. I thought this would be the worst part but she smiled as she said it like a weight had been lifted from her. It was one of the most astonishing things I've ever seen. No big drama, just peaceful acceptance. Much love xx
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what a wonderful post, cynsister.. i hope we all find that place, as we need to...0
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Jeanne I am so sorry that you and your family are needing to take these final steps in your journey. I'm glad that hospice will be there to support all of you, though, and that all of your arrangements are in place. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Hugs!
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Another thought, I bought a water proof, fire proof safe to keep all the paper work in. After some of my siblings were able to handle things I scanned it and e-mailed it to them.
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Thanks for the text Gina.
Bon: I'd never thought of a 'when I die' bag. Great idea & I'm going to make one up.
After a recent long & emotional discussion with my daughter, she told me that when the onc had told her I would probably die in the next few days. This was about a year ago. My daughter went to the funeral director.
DD asked for a pink coffin and was told there were none. DD ordered a standard coffin and painted it pink so it would be ready for me when I died & if she was too upset to paint it after my death.
She also painted the standard grey metal urn for my ashes - pink too. These are being held by the funeral director until the time comes to put them to use.
I love my daughter and her view of me being a bright, colourful person (nothing to do with fluffiness or pink ribbons).
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((((Jeanne))))
Your quote says it all... "YOU NEVER KNOW HOW STRONG YOU ARE UNTIL BEING STRONG IS THE ONLY OPTION YOU HAVE." I've been comforted by your posts since I joined here... I always recognize the photo of the grey poodle! I'm sorry that you're facing this, sad for your family as I know you must be loved very much. But I hope you are comforted by a wonderful hospice team when that time comes and the peacefulness of knowing that you've done everything you possibly could have done. You are certainly loved here!
Mzmerz...
I know the shock of being diagnosed in our 40's (45 for me). I always think that we're at that point in our lives when we should be really enjoying those Margarita pool parties that Special K mentioned (okay I added the pool!), not talking about death and dying... but for whatever crazy reason, this is our reality. I wish you great luck in your treatment!
I continue to read all of your posts, and I hope to reach that "peacefulness" that is discussed here.
Love to all...
Rose.
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When I was first diagnosed I was in a hurry to prepare an advance directive. It seemed important, I never thought of a when I die bag but I did get a book: Fraser, Kathleen, When I'm Gone, practical notes for those you leave behind, The Boston Mills Press, 2009.
It is rather detailed and I admit I have not filled it in, nor gathered the documents I need. As I became NED it seemed less pressing. After reading all that you have had to say I realize that that is somewhat head in th sand.0 -
Jac53 -
Pink was my mom's favorite color. (Like you, it had nothing to do with pink ribbons, etc.)
When we went to the funeral home, we DID find a pink casket, and ordered it immediately.
That made me almost as happy as the pretty pink dress and white sweater (typical Mom attire) I picked out for her.
Your DD sounds like a Godsend!!!
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I agree with Rose, we should be enjoying the margarita pool.
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Bon, you are fabulous - where did you get that stuff and why?
I love your idea, but why would my husband need a copy of my social security card? He has the number. Also, the same as the driver's license - it's in my wallet, why would he need a copy?
I love your idea and am going to do something like that. I'm also going to put all the passwords for my banking/paypal accounts, etc. But, I want to understand why you think each individual thing is necessary. I am terrible at understanding this sort of thing.
Also, I am an athiest and just want to be cremated cheaply and maybe have a memorial service .... somewhere? Maybe at the school where I work? How much planning do you all do regarding that? I don't have a religious pastor to guide my family, like some might. If I go to a funeral home, can they help with pre-planning without my giving them any money? It'll have to wait until my insurance is paid out so how much is a funeral home willing to do?
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Coolbreeze, the funeral home should walk you through all your questions, including the cost breakdown. They told me exactly how many certified copies of the death certificate, cost for each, and who needs them. They also told me the homemade coffin was acceptable ($29 for plans) and about $65 for materials. (cheaper than their cremation box). They also told me a homemade ash container was acceptable. No "religious" ceremony, only a private internment at the cemetery. If my DH picks up the ash box and transports it, there is no charge. They were very helpful, step by step, all outlined and signed (so no arguments from family). No money required up front. Total cost for everything including either burial plot or niche (both were the same price) was around $2400. The family (which is large, 100+, will do their own dinner at a brothers home). Simple graveside internment with a single bagpipe solo. I was pleasantly happy with the funeral homes agreement with my simplistic arrangements.
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Bump----read thread from beginning, has much info from many giving people sheila
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fyi my reiki practioner let me know about artfromashes.com, i also lost a bc sister whose husband very eloquently and lovingly wrote of her final days,hours, death and green burial. he lifted back the veil and my tears of intial sadness became ones of profound peace. she was alot like our zoh. if anyone is intersted i can censor the personal details and post.
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Just discovering that thinking about preparing for the end and actually doing it are two different things (like Doh!)
While I'm hoping its a way off, after fiddling around with a few blog posts for my kids, this morning I actually sat down and started for real. The first page was a bit of a killer - instructions for my husband about what to do and where to find stuff and what to cancel. And then a few things about my funeral and started to upload some photos of the kids and me.
Man, this is hard, but I guess I'll feel better when I've done it. Guess I better go buy some more Kleenex...
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alesta yeah it can be hrd (((hugs))) i actually hadnt wrote in my journal for either my husband or kids in MONTHS and i finally got around to it a few days ago- that was a tear jerker!
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Alesta29,
This is one of the hardest things to do, however, it does take stress off of you. I can send you a box of Kleenex. This is the best thing you can do for your family.
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My mother was a head cook at Smith College. After she was cremated,her ashes were placed in a large recipe file.
Since I love reading ,I would like my ashes placed in a large book-like receptacle.
I recently came across an article about the burial laws in Massachusetts and printed it out. It is an interesting read.
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Bon you are incredible.
I don't know if I have the mental energy to do this kind of stuff. Maybe I'm just in denial
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I am glad I was directed to this sight and found you ladies. Second round of bc and found it to be mets in bladder/ovary area w/acities in abdomen/lungs. I have been thinking about the thought of leaving this world and I am not ready! My goal was to be a centinarian, I may not get there but, i'll get a few years closer I hope. My question is this............how do we get past the fear of leaving your children? I am not finished with my job! My kids are over 18 but no grandbabies yet, How do I accept this
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Hi Lori
As to your question about leaving the kids - I wish I knew! I have a 14 year old son and 12 year old daughter who both know I can't be cured. We don't really talk about it much which I think is good. They know they can ask me anything they want to at anytime but hey, what kid wants to talk to their mum about her dying?
We all take it a day at a time. I try to encourage them to do stuff for themselves (learning to cook, ironing, handling money etc). I have a great husband and lots of close friends and family and I know that they will be well looked after and supported when I am gone.
A friend of mine died with a rare liver cancer a couple of years ago leaving 4 kids aged between 11-21. I see her youngest around sometimes and she is laughing and hanging out with friends and doing well at school. I console myself with the fact that she seems to be doing so well and hope my kids will be like that too.
I don't think I will get past the fear and mostly I make like it's not happening, otherwise I'd go mad and spend my time thinking about dying, rather than living.
Hope you're doing OK otherwise.
Hugs
Laurie x
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In regards to leaving our children is what encouraged me to get my final papers in order. It really seemed to take stress off of me when I was done with them. I am a single mom and my daughter never knew her father as he chose not to be one. She was 16 when I was first diagnosed and I didn't want her to half to make any decisions for me. She is 18 now. My sister is in charge of everything, even the house and life insurance. In January after I was admitted for cellulitis 2 of my siblings came in town. We reviewed everything and my daughter wanted to take part in it. She was very relieved that her aunt was to take care of things and not her. She is 18 now and I think that is just too young to plan my funeral, living will issues, etc.
It also took stress off me because now people know what I want and do not want. It makes it easier to live life now. My Palliative care doctor and I had a 45 minute appointment and took care of all the end of life issues. It is in the computer for any health care provider to view. I also have a pink paper hanging on the side of my fridge in case an ambulance comes for me. It has her paper number on it for anyone to call.
My ashes are going to be buried for my daughter to have a place to visit. It's much cheaper that way. I also did a rental casket for the viewing. Cheaper then buying one and the rental is wood. I picked out the cards, book and pen. I signed over an annuity to the funeral home.
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for those of us choosing cremation please check out artfromashes.com. they are near where i live and for some of my cremains my daughter wants a bead or necklace so i am always there for her. i know eventually the need will lessen over time but feel for the acute grieving phase why shouldn't i be with her everyday.
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penny i think they can make synthetic diamonds as well from our ashes- after all isnt a diamond carbon based?
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Thank you all for your thoughts. This is just a shock after thinking everything was good 5 years ago. I have been thinking a lot about what do leave people and how I want it all to go. Maybe putting it on paper and getting it all in order will help me focus on the positive. As I said, I'm not ready to go anywhere right now and I have a lot I want to do. So as I told my boyfriend, I'm gonna focus on living for now. Thank you all again and I will be back to visit. ~Lori~
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Bon,
What a loving person you are! You want your husband to find someone else and all the things you have done to prepare. It has also given me peace to be able to live life to get them done. One of the hardest things was the way family reacts when you tell them things are done.
That is a good idea about the jewelry. That would probably be good for my daughter also. She came up with the idea that everytime she sees a blue heart it will be me in spirit. I agreed. Now if I could just find a cheap blue heart necklace for my sister to give to her once I am gone.
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I was bummed when I found out I could no longer be an organ donor. For me personally, it was something I really wanted to do. So I did some research and found that I could donate my body to the University of Washington Medical School-- just a few miles from my house. I completed all of the paperwork already, so when the time comes my family will make a call and UW will pick up my body, no cost.
I told my parents they can have any kind of service that they want. I'm not religious, but my mother gets a lot of comfort from her church and I think she would like to have a service there. It's for the survivors, so I'm okay with that. My dead body or ashes won't be there, but I'm sure they'll have pictures or something.
After one year, whatever is left of my cadaver will be cremated and returned to my family. They offered that as an option and my mother wants the ashes. The other option is to have your ashes buried in a yearly ceremony at a cemetary where the other donors are also buried in a group plot. They have a service that the medical students are required to attend, non-denominational, to honor the people who donated their bodies to science.
I know this isn't something that interests everyone. But if it does sound like something you'd be interested in doing, check with your local hospital or medical schools. Even if you don't want to donate your entire body as a cadaver for med students, they sometimes have options where you can donate organs for study. Kind of weird to think that my kidney might be in a jar for years and years. . . but kind of cool, too!
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