A place to talk death and dying issues
Comments
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Obits used to be free here. When people started to whine because they were limited on what they could print..the newspaper started charging like for anything else. We see alot of those "flowery" obits usually for the wealthy. I know this sounds bad but I have known several of these people and its like they want one last chance to brag about themselves. I think its fine to list organizations u belong to etc but the life story is too much. Hugs, Mazy
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Hello all, just a pop-in to announce a new thread---"INDIVIDUAL TO DO & REMEMBER LIST/CALLENDAR"have been trying to figuire out how to do this for months. Duh , then it was so easy. MODS MAY CHANGE FORUM, BUT SHOULD BE ABLE TO ACCESS IF IT'S IN YOUR FAVORITES.
Link to NEW THREAD :
http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/26/topic/797809?page=1#idx_3
Seasons Greetings to All, have a blessful and blissful New Year. Sheila/sassy
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Bonnie lol...We have had a time when someone was not listed but we had it reprinted correctly the next day. Hugs
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Bon thanks for trying the new thread. You worked it exactly right. i put it on my regular posting threads. Have to be careful of someone reporting spamming. Stupid question--how do you make those dots or are they asterisks and I can't see the points?
sassy0 -
I don't understand how this will work, sassy. When we click on the thread will only our list be shown or does everyone's list appear? Do we just use "reply" to set it up?
Thanks,
Jan
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Jcb51--when you click on the thread it will show the page where you posted. I will always be on page one, as will BON. If it catches on as a use area, the poster will be taken to the page their post is on. Yes, you will be able to see others posts. Thats why in the last direction I put " no rules etc---If someone sees something in anothers post(storage post) that they disagree with it's none of their business". I intend to post reminders re:novenas on the Catholic thread b/c they are time sensitive when I notify people. Once in the past someone reported me for putting a post on a thread I had posted in the past , but wasn't currently active. They were new and didn't know me. Eh, so, goes life. I was just inviting them to pray. LoL I'm horrible.
Yes, you could hit reply to take you to the message box, or scroll down. Either way. Then follow directions in header. Let me know if changes in the header would make it easier Thanks sheila
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I hate to admit this, but since my latest diagnosis, I have paid more attention to the obituaries than ever. I compare people's ages to my own (47). It has also made me think more about how it will be written. When I was first diagnosed, I went right to an attorney and to the funeral home. The funeral director is a life long friend. I don't know whether that made it harder or not. I was able to get alot done, but I broke down when it came to picking out the casket, so that has been left undone.
And is it wrong to be vain? I am guessing when the time comes I am not going to look so great. I was opting for a closed casket with a nice photo displayed. They convinced me the viewing is for them, not for my benefit. So I decided on a short, private viewing for my immediate family followed by regular calling hours with the casked closed. I hope this may be helpful to some.
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JT - I can only imagine how difficult it was to make your arrangements. I don't think there can be a wrong way of doing things, or that it's vain to want to be remembered, looking healthy.
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Being vain is a GOOD thing!!!!!
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I'm stuck on a creamation, no viewing, and then a Mass. Worked well for DH. We had pics around, all from better days. Creamation is cheep ,no viewing , cheap. It follows through my life of frugalness(cheap lol). My wedding dress was 12.99, hat 2.99--even in 1972 that was frugal(cheap). I objected as a young one re:all the money that was spent on weddings. Haven't changed my mind at this end. At least I'm consistent LOL. But must get to work on a box. B/c it was short notice, DH's box was 200+ $. Searching I could have found cheap(frugal).
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Sas, if you know a woodworker, you can have your box made. There are Internet diagrams and plans, takes 1 sheet of plywood. My BIL is going to make mine for me.
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Thanks Scuttlers
sassy0 -
I don't want to be embalmed and I don't want a funeral -- partly because I consider it a wasted expense, but mostly because it's not "nature-friendly". DH wants to be cremated and for a while I thought I did, too. Now I'm thinking about a green burial instead. Some cemeteries don't require a vault. We live at the bottom of a hill. At the top of the hill there is a little church with a cemetery. Every time I drive by it, it looks so peaceful. It's on one of the highest points in our county overlooking hills on two sides. If they don't require a vault, I think that's where I want to be buried. I made some calls and got the name of the person in charge. I will call and see what their rules are.
If you run a search on green funeral or green burial, you'll find info on it. I've noticed from obits in our local paper and other papers that I read that more and more people are going with green burials. Some of our local funeral homes even offer a green burial package.
Jan
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I found the initial steps of discussing 'final arrangements' with my husband to make me feel a bit jittery. However, as we continued to discuss the matter more openly over the course of several weeks/months, I began to feel a sense of calm. DH and I learned we felt the same about many things, such as being cremated, having cremains buried rather than scattered, which cemetery we chose to be at and even the plot itself. We still want to get a headstone, but the holiday activity kept us busy and it wasn't necessary to cram that particular detail in at this time. I've a pretty good idea what I want, it's just deciding what kind of price I want to pay. My husband said he felt calmer getting these things in place, too. I would never want to leave all of these decisions to my DH and DS while they are grieving, and I wouldn't want them to make decisions out of guilt or anything; i.e., oh, we must get the biggest, best headstone to show our love, ect.
I do think a viewing is for the living, and I want to make the process easy on my loved ones, so it's their choice. While the obits have always been something I read, I pay more attention to them as well...the age of death, the cemetery they'll be buried at, whether it discusses what they died of. Personally, I want a photo of me printed as well. In our area, I worked a number of jobs in the public, and I think people will remember my face, if not necessarily my name.
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We went with cremation for Dad for several reasons -- but although the cost was MUCH cheaper -- the other major consideration was we could delay the funeral a little, get our feet under us -- allow Mom to adjust a little. And we planned the funeral at the local church (where Dad taught Boy Scouts) -- it was FREE (as compared to quite expensive at the funeral home). We planned the whole thing as a celebration of Dad's life and accomplishments -- his love of life -- his service to the community.
Mom was at first hesitant about cremation (no one previously in her family had been) -- but she loved the idea of not using (yet) the family plot (3-hour-drive from where she now lives) -- so she could keep Dad close (in the urn) and 'visit' him anytime she wanted -- right in her own home. What really tipped it for her was that we suggested that when she dies, we could intermingle their ashes -- and use just ONE of their pre-paid plots -- and get a shared head-stone. The romance of being that close -- "intermingled" forever -- was what truly swayed Mom to this option.
And -- practically speaking -- I SO agree with both Sas's ideas about people wasting too much money on rituals -- and jbc's ideas about the 'green-ness' of cremation.
Plus -- for me -- the romance of spreading some of my father's ashes (as he and I used to joke) at a certain special "fairy-pond" we discovered on our trip to Alaska -- totally sealed the deal.
Dad is now everywhere -- wherever he wants to be. His spirit is completely free. Cremation allowed us still here to visualize him as 'with us' -- allowed us the time to not rush into a funeral service we weren't quite yet prepared for -- gave us time to say all our good-byes at our own pace-- and allowed the romance for Mom of an eventually-shared grave and joint stone -- and still allows for the spreading of ashes to commerate the places he loved with a bit of his spirit.
People never really look much like themselves in the casket. The light that makes us 'us' has left. The light shines on -- but is no longer contained by the lifeless body.
We used the service (and the obit) to honor Dad's lusterous light. The photo board was wonderful -- him at all ages -- and we created a DVD of photos that Dad took (lots of outdoor scenes) interspersed with photos of Dad doing the things he loved, with the people he loved. The DVD ran continuously through the ceremony... so much more "him" than his face in a casket would have been.
My best to you all.
Linda
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As I have said cremation and my kids want a celebration of life that is fine cause I will be dead, lol.....I don't want to be buried I told them I want to be in their houses where I can torture them even dead, lol....they don't have to go visit me I will be right there......I have my parents cremated remains in my dining room....so.....
Sandy
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Six years ago DH and I got all the legal paperwork done and bought our plot, liner and grave opening and kept talking about making funeral arrangements. Had been talking about it for years. The death of my brother at 59, I'm four years younger, was the catalyst. Had to make pre-arrangements for my mom and we talked about it again. Well, this year my bc diagnosis and surgery pushed me to make a push to make arrangements. We have made pre-paid funeral arrangements. All is well now. Our three children have been informed of where to find all the paperwork in case DH and I croak at the same time. Sorry, I can become very irreverent when it comes to making these plans for myself. I am serious when it comes to doing them for someone else.
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Happy New Year Dear Friends, Health , Wealth, Contentment,and Happiness to be with you all your days. ((((((((HUGS)))))))) sheila
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And to you SAS.
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Donated my body to medical university. Plan to have celebration of life while I am still alive.
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me too Science Care is taking care of of my donation and will cremate me and send my remains back to the family, at no cost cause I am donating my body!!
Sandy
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Diana - I want to have a celebration of life, while I'm living too. Just haven't figured out where.
Wishing everyone a Happy New Year!0 -
Want a celebration of life also but want to be able to participate in it and have a good time...just like Stephanie did on the B & B...lol
Sandy
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http://www.nextgenmemorials.com/ideas.html
I found a lot of great ideas, on this site. I especially liked the idea of giving everyone a card, to write their favorite memory on.0 -
I noticed a few entries from folks who had special needs kids that they were worried about. I have a 19 year old MR, autistic, deaf daughter with end stage cirrhosis. We adopted this terrific kid (REALLY!) in Vietnam back in 1994. We didn't know she was deaf or the extent of her problems, she was just a baby. She is high functioning , can read and write (3rd grade level) and take care of her personal needs. The end stage liver cirrhosis blew us away (diagnosied at 17) and she has been worked up for an eventual liver transplant. I know that she will also need full time custodial care now and after the tansplant. She isn't sick enough to get listed yet; we jocky around on a ton of meds and walk that line.
Since I used to be a nurse and quit after my stage lllA diagnosis back in 2007, I feel good about taking care of her. I fret and worry endlessly about placing her in a foster home or group setting, since there aren't always super bright folks running these places or enough supervision (my opinion). Yet I know with my wide spread bone mets that the average life expectancy is 1-3 years. I am responding wonderfully to faslodex and zometa - dropping markers and clear pet scan - Thankfully! But I just used up one year almost. I have a great husband and we can live on his income. We have 2 other kids 17 and 11. My husband can not work his job with my disabled child home, no day care and he travels some. So we have agreed to look into placing her.
The guilt I have just knows no end. I am not dead yet, feel pretty good right now and she has a serious illness. It would be better to place her and have her comfortable and settled before I die. If we do it now we can be picky about where we place her, instead of the next available spot. Some of the homes out there are scary and few have signing staff - a real requirement for us. I would love to spend more time with my other 2 kids, since they always get what is left over. We can't travel easily since this DD child determines what we do and how long we spend etc. With my life expectancy limited I vascilate back and forth between wanting to do more while I feel good and can, and being a Mom, care giver to this disabled child that I love and want the best for. Have any of you had challenges with your special needs kids and cancer diagnosis? How did you handle it?
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I have taught special education for 38 years. My advice (even if you were not ill) would be to get her settled into a good living situation now. As you note, if you do it now, you have time to do the research and make sure it will be a good and happy setting for her. As special needs children enter adulthood, this is a situation all parents face, and it is really dreadful for the kids (and also their siblings who then have to assume responsibility) when something happens to their parents (as eventually it will to all) if living arrangements haven't been taken care of ahead of time. You have no reason to feel guilty, you are looking out for her best interests.
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Rosevalley, just wondering what 'signing staff' is.
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Rosevalley - my parents are deceased, and I am the trustee for my 36 year old autistic brother. He lives in a group home two hours away. I feel so guilty, that I have to put him near the bottom of my list, because I have two boys at home.
I hope you can find a way to give everyone a little of what they need, without forgetting yourself.0 -
Mrs M- rosevalley is refering to few have staff that have the ability to sign. She mentioned her daughter being deaf. Both my parents are deaf and even top notch care facilities lack those that speak ASL. When my dad went into hospice they said they had nurses that signed, (it was mostly for my mom as my dad was unresponisve by that point) but their ablities were very poor. Lots of finger spelling (instead of using a word sign they would spell it out- imagine how long a conversation would take if i had to spell out all the words to you)
Rosevalley- I think your idea is wonderful- Work now at getting her placed so you have all your ducks in a row. Last minute would be a nightmare. No one dreams of placing a loved on in a home, but the reality is sometimes due to things out of our own control (cancer being one of them) we are between a rock and a hard place. Your younger children would love that extra time you have with them as well...
My aunt kept her husband with her at home while he had alzhimers, but she had to work. She refused to place him in a home, he nearly burned down the house, he had wandered away numerous times, all because she still had to work and there was no one to care for him. He died last year, thankfully without any further incidents beyond what i mentioned. But i always worried because out of her stuborness she couldnt see that his and her saftey was in danger.
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Oh, oh, thanks for the explanation. For some reason my brain didn't connect that together. Gosh, I can really see how that is a need for some, and sorry to learn that it isn't easy to come by.
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