A place to talk death and dying issues
Comments
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Bon I C&P's what you just wrote to me, to that page. Here's the link.
http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/7/topic/763848?page=120#post_3270801
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My husband's cousin is president of the cemetery association where we will be buried. He and the secretary both explained the money end of it like SelenaWolf does in the above post. There is plenty of money in their funds for perpetual care, they also do great upkeep on whats already there including things like contacting a memorial company to replace a broken vase and taking out overgrown shrubs whose roots could cause upheaval of grave markers. They adopted rules to prevent more shrubs from being planted. They've made improvements such as adding one more road, having both roads blacktopped, and adding a large porch with railing to the side of the lone building at the cemetery with some tasteful landscaping around it. It's not that large of a cemetery, but it's obvious they take great pride in keeping it nice. And keeping the budget in mind.
DH's cousin said he couldn't prove it, but there appears to be money missing at the other cemetery and he thinks someone helped themselves to it a few years back. Many people in town are oblivious to it, but in this small town, its no surprise. They sort of like to bury their head in the sand and not raise a stink about anything. (I didn't move to this place till I was an adult, so I see things from a different perspective.)
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Bon, Louie Armstrong's "What a Wonderful World" is one of my all-time favorite songs. It's just incredble. It's just not one I'd pick for my own funeral. Some songs I've selected are "Day by Day" from Godspell, "Seasons of Love" from Rent, "Love is the Answer" by England Dan and John Ford Coley and "Believe" by Brooks and Dunn.
This one, too: Crystal Blue Persuassion
"Maybe tomorrow, when He looks down,On every green field, And every town
All of His children, And every nation....there'll be peace and good....brotherhood.....
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It surprises me to learn of many of you skipping lots of what I'd consider a tradtional funeral service. I'm not judging in any way. It's just interesting to hear that many people don't want the service, or a burial, only simple basics to take care of you after you pass. Where I live, most people opt for at least one day of viewing followed the next day by a service and burial with a memorial luncheon afterwards. That's the route I'll take, more for my DH and DS's sake, so that they can be comforted by family and friends.
Looking at the general price list for one local funeral home:
direct cremation: $2225
Traditional funeral: includes afternoon and evening viewing , next-day funderal ceremony $4,550. Casket would be extra.
Cremation with afternoon and evening viewing and next-day funeral service, rental casket included $4,950
Crazy, but the cremation services are pricier than the traditional except for the casket. Can cost you lots o money to die.
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Hi ladies, I hope it is OK that I stopped by. My father died several weeks ago, which made me notice this topic. You are talking about many of the issues I am thinking about. My dad had pre-planned and pre-paid his whole funeral/burial etc. He had picked out his casket, the songs he wanted, the scriptures...every detail. That made things so much easier and gratifying for us (knowing he was getting what he wanted), that DH and I plan to sit down and do the same ourselves, as it is a tremendous gift you can give to your loved ones. Many of your tips will be useful for us. A couple helpful things I can think of from his funeral (which may have been covered, I need to go back and read): He kept all his information on file at the funeral home he had worked with. That way, when he died, we just contacted them and they had it all. My mom had a list of her desires, but gave it to my dad, who was too overcome at her death to remember that he had it....luckily I was rummaging through their papers and found it before the arrangements were finalized (although I made some early morning phone calls to change things to match her wishes). Another thing I didn't know was, if the deceased is a veteran and you would like to have military honors at the burial, you need to have a copy of his/her honorable discharge papers on hand. Luckily we did, as the funeral home needed them ASAP (like the same day as the death) for the arrangements to be made in time for the funeral.
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I've got my last days wishes listed at the hospice.
I've chosen not to go down the Liverpool Care Path.
Its meant to give relieve to all pains and signs of suffering.
Nothing to distress the family and to make the passing easy.
However all food and liquids can be with drawn, if a doctor says its in the patiants best interests.
People have been known to live for 3 or more days.
Mercy killing by the back door.
Me, I hope to be awake , not in a lot of pain, and see death face to face.
Harvey
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Selena - we love you valuable info! How lucky we are to have someone so knowledgeable.
I live along the NC coast - just a light rain today. I need to go batten down the hatches. Sure don't need my wrought iron furniture flying through a window.0 -
Bon night shift varies LOL. Visit Isomnia thread when your up late . I'll get the link and bring it back:)sassy
link to insomnia
http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/102/topic/767259?page=175#idx_5230
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Bon-- we got very little of the storm compared to what is coming, so worried for the NE they are going to get hammered and it will be 3 weeks of hellishness after storm and along recovery.The reason I sent the insomnia thread is it's folks that are up at night in america and sometimes the australians and aucklanders check in. I started the thread when I seriously had insomnia and no one to talk too. Now people talk through the day. Varys often. I know your pattern as you say from PM, but in a moment you just want some crazy silly talk, it's a fun place to go. Sometimes I go and wait for someone to come and just post until they realize it's active. Or just talk to my self.
L&H&P's sassy0 -
Selena--glad you came back, your thoughts are a true addition to this thread sassy/sheila/sas
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Divine--missed you on Pinktober----it didn't fade b/c you came, we ran out of steam.
sassy:)0 -
Ruthbru, you are such a classy lady, always thoughtful, sensitive and with great insight, so I welcome your comments on this thread. My condolensces on the loss of your dad.
sas, thanks for thinking of me.
Bon, I much appreciate your life insurance links, and have already applied for two of them. About your final wishes burial at Arizona Nat'l Cemetery, it sounds very honorable and right. The pricing difference from Ohio and Arizona for these services is wack. I do get pissed that the two funeral homes in our little town are so pricey. And it seems like more people are going the cremation route so they just up the price for that so they're still making a hefty profit. And the first thing they ask you is 'do you have life insurance' so they feel no guilt in taking your money.
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A few other songs for the funeral that I'm considering are "He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother", "El Shaddai" by Amy Grant, the theme from Chariots of Fire (an instrumental) that is oh so beautiful, "Put Your Hand in the Hand" by Ocean, and "If I Could Reach Your Heart" from the Cirque de Soleil 'Ka' soundtrack. I have them on a playlist on my itunes and sort of look at it from time to time to see how appropriate/inappropriate any of them would be.
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Thank you Divine. With that endorsement
, I will also say that, for any veteran, I would strongly encourage you to add the military tribute to whatever kind of service you choose. Not only is it something you richly deserve, and it is such a beautiful and meaningful ceremony for your family, but it also reminds everyone else there, young and old, of the sacrifices made by servicemen and women, and their families, throughout the years. So not only is it a final tribute to you, it is a final lesson in patriotism from you as well. 0 -
Oh my, Ruth, well said. My Dad had the military tribute and it was very moving.
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Just remember, you don't want the song to be popular on the radio. It would be awful for your spouse to hear it on the car radio all of the time.
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This is such a helpful thread. I'm so glad Ma started it. Thank you Bon for all the wonderful, detailed info you've added. You did a great job. I've copied your list of documents and important info and will begin putting my info together in a file.
Moderators, I think it would extremely helpful to start a Forum Topic that would contain death and dying info and include stickied sub-topics for insurance, Bon's document list, comparisons of funeral/cremation types and cost, etc. If you think "Death and Dying Issues" is a little too much of a shock for the title, you could soften it by naming it "End of Life Issues", "Life Planning", or something similar. If you would start the topic, I'm sure the rest of us could take it from there, add the sub-topics and suggest which ones should be sticky. There is so much good and helpful info in this thread...things many of us wouldn't think about running a search for. It would be such a shame if it got lost from low visibility.
Jan
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Bon - thanks for all the great info. When I was shopping cremation prices here in NC. One place was charging $1800 in administration cost. I just want them to pick me up, get the certificate signed, take and pick me up from crematorium.
$2,700. No way! Found a place who will do it all for $1595.0 -
I wanted to chime in on songs. I decided a long time ago that one song I would like to have played at my memorial is "Light One Candle" by Peter, Paul and Mary. Although the song is based on Jewish beliefs I feel the message is universal.
I would also like to have "Leap of Faith" played but I'm afraid it would do too much to my husband. When we first started dating he had a pretty solid brick wall around his emotions after his last divorce. One weekend I gave him a cassette with this song on it and asked him to listen to it. Then I told him I would wait for his call -- the next step would be his. It only took a day before he called me again and our relationship took a stronger turn. The song put together the words that I was struggling to tell him.0 -
I love Peter, Paul and Mary !!! I used one of their songs for my wedding. Chemo brain won't let me remember the name.
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When my best friend died of breast cancer her sons played the 2nd movement of the Bach concerto in D for two violins (Bach Double). I wondered at the time if it wasn't a lot to ask of them, but they volunteered that it helped them to have an active role in the Memorial Service. Only one of my sons plays violin, so if he's up to it I'd pick the slow movement from Bach's a-minor concerto.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jbys-IPUqQM Then I'd like my church choir to sing Brahm's "How Lovely is Thy Dwelling Place." 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I4-_DiaF-RA (slightly different translation, but a "lovely" rendition for the Queen Mother's funeral.) I'm not religious, but I have to feel that anyone hearing these will be uplifted.0 -
Hurricane Sandy has made a mess of things outdoors, so I am spending my day, erasing myself from the house. Cleaning out closets, drawers, etc.
Putting all my favorite things in my grandmother's cedar chest for my boys, along with notes of what they are.
It's hard for me to throw away little bits and bobs of my past, but I know it will be even harder on my DH.
I start chemo on Wed. So I know my strength will be shot after that.
Back to purging...0 -
OBXK---may sound wierd, but could you make Christmas ornaments out of those bits and pieces of your life?. Different end of age spectrum, I put Ds rattles, hand toys, mobiles etc on the tree 27 years ago and they are still there. Yes I get teared up when I see them, but still love that they are there.
Bon you have been busy, was that storm surge LOL. Such good info
--went to moffitt cancer center--brain Okay.0 -
Divine, you mentioned that a viewing and service would be comforting for your family. I definitely want a private burial, then a memorial service at my church, and a luncheon for family and out of town guests. Most people here have a visitation the night before the service, where people come and give condolences to the family. I am considering asking my husband not to do that, mainly because of my children's ages. They are 22, 20 and 15. I think it would be hard on them to stand for a couple of hours and greet people. My husband probably wouldn't mind, but I'm thinking of my kids. I can't ask them about it because they don't want to think about that time. Maybe I will just let my husband decide about that when the time comes, but will remind him to be sensitive to what they want to do.
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hope, I completely understand. My son is almost 20 and we have a great relationship, but to discuss final funeral arrangements with him would be very difficult. DH and I were able to have a non-emotional conversation with him about cemeteries, and son raised good points: if he kept our cremains in an urn, what would HIS kids do with them when son was gone. DH and I didn't want cremains scattered, so was nice to find out burial of cremains in a local cemetery was a good option.
I certainly would not mind if DH and DS decided against a 'viewing' if they couldn't handle it. Some people in our town just have a 'memorial' at the funeral home with photos of the loved one who passed, and everyone stops to give condolensces.
So I feel like you, it may be best to let them decide at the time what is right.
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Sas - great idea!
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My husband died in December, 2005. Both of us wanted cremation for ourselves. Maybe you haven't considered this and I also know geographics can play into the $ figure.. I found that going to a crematory that was inner city was fewer $$. He did not want a viewing or memorial service and it was less than $600.00. He was awaiting a heart transplant while I was doing chemo. Time ran out for him.
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holdontohope:
My father was killed in Vietnam when I was 9 and the oldest of 6 children. Me and the next oldest child (a brother) really enjoyed the viewing. The younger kids don't really remember it. It was many years ago and the tradition in that town was to have the viewing in the house if it could accomodate it. It was held at my grandparents house. We didn't do a receiving line. I met many people who I had heard stories about and heard a bunch of new ones. Everyone brought a covered dish. Leftovers and new covered dishes were brought to the post-funeral get-together. If it got to be too much, we just walked away for awhile. And I thought that the viewing of the body in the casket really brought home that the body is just a vessel (and that he was REALLY DEAD, which is important). Altogether a positive experience for me. But some people may feel differently. I'm sure you know your family best.
Edited for spelling and content.
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OBXK----:) sassy
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33skidoo, you bring up something that I'd forgotten about. There've been times I've lost someone close and truly needed to see the deceased body as my mind didn't want to believe it was really true that they were gone.
I was almost 40 when my parents passed away within 9 months of each other, and I felt the showings and funerals for both were beautiful, taylored for their own personalities. Mom died in spring and I well remember the viewing, what clothes she wore, the lovely top spray of spring flowers, the earrings she had on. She'd asked for 7 roses to be in the casket with her, one for each of her children. My dad died in winter and he loved paisley prints, so he wore a paisley tie with his dark suit, a hat and golf club was in the casket and a beautiful top spray of all red roses. It was actually comforting.
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