A place to talk death and dying issues
Comments
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Calico, I'm so sorry to hear about Sinbad. It's heart-breaking to lose a pet. I still feel awful from losing Peaches a little over a year ago. I look at my new cockatiel, just over a year old, and worry about something happening to him, then I worry about how to find someone to take care of him since there is a good chance I could go first. Crazy. Anyway, be at peace Sinbad.
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Blondie, I hope having Hospice involved that you will find your peace from having someone cover your back. If it makes you more comfortable, reduces your stress, and is giving you time to just enjoy the day I say a good thing. You shouldn't have to fuss over every little thing. Have a great day, Cheryl
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Sorry to hear of others losing their pets. Back in August my 21 year old cat passed, sill not ready for another one, Still deciding whether I should go for a young cat or an older one not sure if my family would want to be burdened with a pet when I'm gone.
Blondie while you're still here you might as well do as you will.
Dune I had one infusion by vein and it hurt a lot. I also have a purple one, it's called a Baird power port. The port makes my life much easier as long as there is a qualified nurse around to do the draws. Only once when I was getting a CT did the nurse use my vein for the contrast.
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We had to put our 17 yr old half siamese cat, Kofi, to sleep a year ago also. He got brain cancer, poor thing, and declined v rapidly. It broke my heart to have him put to sleep, dh and ds brought him to the vets and held him as he died. It was terrible as the vet had to give him three injections before he died. Ds in particular was heart-broken and traumatised. I think it brought it home to him about how fragile life is and maybe how quickly I could detoriate. We really miss Kofi as he was a very vocal and affectionate part of our family. My (adult) sons kept psetering me to get another pet so we've recently adopted a new cat (7 mths old), Pippi, she's pretty but quiet and self-sufficient. Weird, she won't sit on laps. She will come and sit next to you and maybe lean against you. I guess her former owners trained her not to sit on laps.
I can see the value in having a pet. She's good company for Dh and Ds and they fuss over her and I think it's some form of continuity after I'm gone. For this reason I'm thinking of getting a small dog for dh (to replace the large b..... me! when I'm gone). There will be something affectionate and welcoming and needy and yappy in the house and he'll have company and be forced out for walks.
It's tough on our families too, this waiting for the other shoe to drop. One thing I would like is to live long enough for ds to leave home and be independent. I'd hate if I died and dh was lonely and wanted ds to stay at home. I know that younger Mums wish to see their children just grow up and I am lucky that mine are all adults, but still... Ds worries about me and asks me every day what I did and how I am. I want him to enjoy his youth and wish this wasn't overshadowing him. I can't imagine what it's like for those who love us especially our children
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Calico - ((((((Hugs and Metta)))))) to you. I never could hold back the dam of tears at the vets and didn't even ever try... grief and sorrow just poured out like river. I feel for you; 13 years of love is a long time, wonderful for you and Sinbad.
Blondie enjoy the shower for the baby and your Grand daughter. Icky social dynamics be damned!
Hugs to all of us. Loss is so hard to bear, mostly because our love was deep and joyful! But the seeds of love are planted again and the crop doubles in size. The more you love, the more love there is... it's that never emptying Chinese teapot thing!
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Thanks the shower was ok as expected, i am just different about things like thatbwas 4 my daughter who is very loyal to his family, it is ok.
Nope not scared, not sure what i am i know i am still here 4 a bit, my breathing is getting worse, but i still want to live n do things. Problem is of couse the driving, cant do stuff alone, have to depend on people. It sucks.
Yep will have the support whicb helps alot.
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Blondie I am so glad that the shower went well and you were aable to go. I hope hospice proves to be a blessing for you.
Ok There is not much about life insurance that's funny - death defyingly boring etc.. Anyway we got this brochure from our Credit Union about this unbelievable offer for life insurance from Trustage Insurance Agency,CMFG Life Insurance Agency. Their stance "Appy today it could be the most important thing you do all year!" (for them... not you!) So I read the separate insert, a small black and white paper "What's not covered." Listen to this and imagine ANYTHING that might cause your death (in which you might use this policy) that isn't voided by their list!!!
Benefits are not paid for- accidental death contributed by intentional self inflicted injuries, suicide while sane or insane, active participation in any declared or undeclared war, consuming any drug, medicine or sedative, except as prescribed by a physcian, being intoxicated, operating a motor vehicle while intoxicated, hazardous activities, such as (but not limited to) ballooning, hang gliding, scuba diving, vehcile racing,flying as a pilot or crew member, committing or attempting to commit illegal activity, any bodily or mental disease, illness,disorder, or complications resulting from medical treatment or surgery.
So I ask you, when if ever could you use this "life insurance" for your beneficiaries? I mean how is this legal??? That end of the list just left me speechless! What an offer whooo Hoo!!! Laugh for the day..
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OK. That is pretty funny Rosevalley.
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And, dontcha know, Rosevalley, that the insurance company would gladly fight all lawsuits about how to interpret it, no matter what the argument!
Well, in general, it was a bad news day. I do have several areas of metastasis in my brain, but none that would explain the loss of feeling/strength in my left arm/hand, so it's almost certainly coming from my crummy neck. The chances of anyone operating on my crummy neck at this point are next to none, and I get the feeling that the onc really doesn't get why losing this function is such a big deal. After all, I'm right dominant (I'd like to tie one of his arms behind his back and see how well he handles it!). One reason this is so very hard is that I saw this movie 17 years ago when I couldn't get anybody to take me seriously, but did (eventually!) get an MRI and had C5-6/C6-7 fused. It was too late to avoid having chronic bi-lateral arm/hand pain, but at least I wasn't paralyzed from the neck down.
He does want me to have a spinal MRI and come back next week, but I know where this discussion is going. He mentioned "physical therapy" which absolutely, positively will not fix this problem. So I'm trapped, and I expect the onc is, too, so I'm really trying hard not to judge him too harshly. The only control I have in this free-fall is pulling the "stop treatment" rip cord.
I promise I'll be in a better mood tomorrow . . . . . .
xoxoxoxoxoxo
Calico
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Calico - that's a sucky day for sure. So are the brain mets giving you any issues and will anything be done for them? I think I would ask for a MRI and an orthopaedic surgeon's opinion before I went to PT. PT doesn't sound like much help. If you aren't getting any messages (nerve impulses) down to your arm and hand... how will PT help? hmmm Sounds like you have been at this a very long times, miserable by the sounds of it. Wish the results gave you more to go on.
By the way no one needs to "be in a better mood tomorrow." Our days and feelings are what they are, and we all get it. No apologies. VENT YELL!! CRY!!! It's ok. Shoot I would be very bummed as well. Sending you lots of love and hugs to get through this no-good awful day.
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Hi, Rosevalley, and thanks for writing. I'm not aware of any effects (yet) of the brain mets. I took a quick Wikipedia scan of the areas involved (pineal gland and occipital lobe), and all kinds of really sucky things can happen. I now have a rock-solid excuse for demented behavior, visual hallucinations and loads more! And you've got it exactly right on the Physical Therapy suggestion! It ain't gonna improve the problem which is damaged wiring, and the longer they are being damaged, the worse and more intractable the damage is.
I want to back up and thank everyone for posting with condolences for our lost kitty, Sinbad, and for sharing their stories about their own painful losses. They were very sad, but very comforting, too.
And, Rosevalley, I can't thank you and everyone else here enough for permission to just express how I feel at any time without judgment. There's no place else I can do this. It means so much.
Love and hugs to all,
Calico
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Calico, i am so sorry...i don't know what to say other than i will b here 4 u as long as i can...holdjng u hand...
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(((((Blondie))))), here for you too, sweetie, and sending scads of cyber-hugs and prayers for peace for all of us.
xxxoxoxoooso
Calico
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Hey Calico. I'm extending a big, wide hug for anytime you want to make use of it. I hope you get a real treatment for your spinal nerve damage. Do they have any plans for treating the brain mets? Radiation? Anything?
Hi Blondie. How are you doing? You seem more content, and I hope so.
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Calico, I agree with Rosevalley with regard to the mood issue, and I think we ALL would acknowledge we have tough days with tough moods. I'd rather be around people who are genuine than those who present a tweaked or superficial image or try to be different than they really are. I hate that you have brain mets and that your spine issue is wreaking such havoc in your daily quality of life. That minimization of quality of life issues by certain MDs just downright makes me crazy. I do what I can to educate those that think the very fact that we are still living trumps everything. For most of us, quality of life is HUGELY important. When I think of both quality of life and control over our lives when circumstances are really quite difficult, I think of it in terms of actively choosing treatment and choosing to withdraw treatment, how we frame our situations, having more of what brings us meaning and satisfaction, letting go of trivial stuff and others' expectations of how we should live our lives, among other things. I also want to add how said I was to hear that your Sinbad had died. Shortly after I finished chemo when first diagnosed with mets in '09, our basset hound of 13+ years died. I already felt like I was in a whirlwind and my grief really kept me in a daze for weeks. People like us, who don't think of our animal companions as objects or lesser creatures, realize how deeply the loss of these precious companions affect us.
Dunesleeper, I hope your body has healed from the power port placement. I have had one since '09, and I have never had any problems with it. I have learned to ask when I am outside the oncology clinic just how much experience a person has before I allow that person to attempt access. Let's just say I learned the hard way about that! I really liked your statement, "I try not to let it [thoughts about dying] take up too much space in my head. It is a good idea to live while I am still alive." I've known quite a few people who have died, many in hospice care, and I have learned that most people fear suffering more than dying and most people don't want to feel abandoned at the end of their lives. Most of them have just gradually shut down, physically, emotionally, mentally, socially, until they stop. When control of pain and other symptoms is good, death can be peaceful. I've also learned to say what needs to be said now, do what needs to be done now, remind people how much I love them as often as I can, live as fully as I can (even though that keeps changing) each day, accept that I am imperfect and always will be so. It's helped. As I've said before, it's the leaving behind of those I love the most that challenges me. I guess I would be nuts to think that it wouldn't be a challenge!
Blondie, I am relieved to hear that you feel more supported with hospice involvement, and I hope that the comfort of feeling more supported will build even more. I certainly understand what you mean about the increased dependence on others! It is so hard to let go of that part of ourselves that wants to be as independent as possible, but even when we are more dependent in some areas, we can still be quite independent in others. We are still who we are, after all! Have you told your other children yet about hospice? I'm also wondering: Have you thought about asking for a hospice volunteer? If you think you would like one, of course.
Aoibheann, Your comment about our families "waiting for the other shoe to drop" also hit home. My husband sort of moves in and out of that stage. I think at times he just blocks out the situation, other times he expects more challenges to happen one after another; sometimes he thinks about and plans for the future, other times he seems anxious about doing that. I know that he wonders how his life will be without me one day. (We both assume I will die first, but I realize we could be wrong about that.) I have to watch what I say, because sometimes I have this attitude of "You need to know this for the time I'm not here and you're handling it," and I think that's a wake-up call--one he gets over and over. I try not to do that too much.
Rosevalley, I must say that the insurance info really cracked me up! Thanks for sharing that; it really made me laugh on a tough day. I also appreciate your perspective on the love we make and share growing and growing. I try to hold onto that when I am overwhelmed by all the violence and suffering in the world.
I appreciate all who contribute to this conversation. I continue to hold you in my thoughts, especially when your posts pop up on my iPhone. Last week was a tough one for me as I had a bad experience with a new medication. On top of that, my laptop had to go to the shop, and I didn't have the energy to climb stairs to get to the desktop computer, where I am now. I absolutely hate using my iPhone to post here at BCO, because I often have problems and lose the posts (and only on BCO, for some reason that I think only IT people understand), so I rarely do that anymore. A few nights ago as I was lying in bed, I thought of something I want to post here, and I'll see if I can find it.
Hoping for us all to have restful sleep and more than a few moments of joy tomorrow.
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A very kind, thoughtful, and compassionate woman here at BCO, BethCon1, shared the following quote (from Aaron Freeman) in December of 2013. She said that it brought her a great deal of comfort, as it has me.
"You want a physicist to speak at your funeral. You want the physicist to talk to your grieving family about the conservation of energy, so they will understand that your energy has not died. You want the physicist to remind your sobbing mother about the first law of thermodynamics; that no energy gets created in the universe, and none is destroyed. You want your mother to know that all your energy, every vibration, every Btu of heat, every wave of every particle that was her beloved child remains with her in this world. You want the physicist to tell your weeping father that amid energies of the cosmos, you gave as good as you got.
And at one point you'd hope that the physicist would step down from the pulpit and walk to your brokenhearted spouse there in the pew and tell him that all the photons that ever bounced off your face, all the particles whose paths were interrupted by your smile, by the touch of your hair, hundreds of trillions of particles, have raced off like children, their ways forever changed by you. And as your widow rocks in the arms of a loving family, may the physicist let her know that all the photons that bounced from you were gathered in the particle detectors that are her eyes, that those photons created within her constellations of electromagnetically charged neurons whose energy will go on forever.
And the physicist will remind the congregation of how much of all our energy is given off as heat. There may be a few fanning themselves with their programs as he says it. And he will tell them that the warmth that flowed through you in life is still here, still part of all that we are, even as we who mourn continue the heat of our own lives.
And you'll want the physicist to explain to those who loved you that they need not have faith; indeed, they should not have faith.** Let them know that they can measure, that scientists have measured precisely the conservation of energy and found it accurate, verifiable and consistent across space and time. You can hope your family will examine the evidence and satisfy themselves that the science is sound and that they'll be comforted to know your energy's still around. According to the law of the conservation of energy, not a bit of you is gone; you're just less orderly. Amen."
-Aaron Freeman.**Please know that I mean no disrespect to those whose spiritual traditions involve faith. Perhaps I would say that faith and sound science can coexist.
I love the part "...not a bit of you is gone; you're just less orderly."0 -
I know we should stick to topics, but my DH and I went to Portland, Oregon and walked around the Crystal Springs Rhododenderon Garden in full bloom. There were so many little baby Canada geese and little tiny newly hatched pintail ducks following their Mama! There is a series of photos for you to see. I find gardens healing and soothing, so I hope you enjoiy this little trip. ((((Hugs to All))) Peace.
https://www.dropbox.com/sc/4dv63jdrkgj089z/AABrAU-...
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Rosevalley, thanks for sharing that little trip. It was beautiful, uplifting, and comforting just looking at the photos. I can only imagine what it was like to be there.
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Very pretty Rose! Thanks.
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Brendatrue- love the quote by Aaron Freeman! Wonderful and I think true. Thank you for sharing since it describes what I feel and couldn't otherwise explain! Glad you liked the trip, because I just loved it. Night all!
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Blondie, I sent you support and warm wishes for even more support...I also recognize that you are a trailblazer going where I will go someday..Right now I am so cheerio but I know...I am only 16 months into the whole mess. I hope your Hospice Team is the best. And remember, all of us are pulling the "beast" of cancer behind us. Take care and blessings to you. Carolyn from Music City
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Is there just an epidemic of cancer or what? My DD has a friend just 22 that was just diagnosed with cancer. They used to date and his Mom has stage 4 cancer. These 2 youngsters understand each other perfectly since they have grown up with the beastie cancer invading their Moms. Still it breaks my heart to see any young person dealt the cancer hand so young. I figure at 56 I can deal with it, since I have had on the whole a pretty good life, but 22 years old just makes me sick.
Well I know what I want for Mother's Day an end to cancer. A day in a garden or forest will work too. May the forest and garden be with you! Here is wishing you whatever special place brings you comfort, peace and smiles - that you go there this weekend. Hugs and peace to everyone.
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someone, can't remember who, sorry, asked blondie to tell us how hospice is. My mother in law, lived with us when she had brain cancer for a little less than a year. We had palliative care first, for about 8 months, then hospice. In the area I am, I absolutely loved palliative care....will do that myself when needed. I wasn't as happy with the hospice we have here. Wished I would have just kept here in palliative care. She would have had the same outcome in the same amount of time......I just liked the people better, and I really missed them when we changed over. It's one of those things were you learn as you go. I am glad I got to experience the process so I can makes a better informed decision for mysel
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Thank you, friends and fellow travelers, for being there.
Dunesleeper, my onc and I really didn't have time to talk about the brain mets, if you can believe that. We are both focused on getting the data (cervical MRI) on my neck, and figuring out what to do from there, not that I think there will be a lot of alternatives. I don't know the implications, but I don't know that I want the mets treated since they aren't causing me a problem, albeit that's for now. But now is all I got.
My sister called as I was getting ready to go to the cervical MRI and said my mom had passed. This was not unexpected as she had stopped eating. I'm really happy for my mom. She would have been 94 next month and has had dementia for years. I'm in California and Mom is in Texas. I'm not going back to the services for many reasons I won't burden you with.
I hope this emotional marathon lets up soon!!!
xoxoxoxoxo
Calico
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CalicoCat, my condolences on the passing of your mom.
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((((calico)))))
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((((Blondie))))) I hope your eye sight gets better so you can read. Thinking of you.
((((((Calico)))))) Sounds like your Mom was ready and was at peace, still that's hard for you. I hope things let up.
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Calico, condolences about your mom Sorry.
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Hi! I've never posted on this thread, but read it frequently. Blondie, you and I have talked on other threads and I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking about you and pray that you are comfortable. Calico, I am sorry for your loss.
I have a question, and am interested on others thoughts. My cancer has progressively been getting worse since September. I now have bone, lung,liver and brain mets. My lungs are the most affected and have had surgery on the right side, and have thoracentesis to the left about every 2 weeks. Am trying another chemo, and hope it works well but who knows? Last week I made myself a DNR, and spoke to my onc about hospice-though it is too early now. I have a 7 year old daughter and have tried to be honest with her always. My problem is, if I didn't have a young daughter I know I would have home hospice. The thought of her possibly finding me dead is very disturbing to me though.The problem is that I would like to spend as much time with her as possible, and if I go to another place for hospice I'm afraid I won't see her very often. Do I just wait until I'm extremely ill, and then go to an outside hospice? How does one really judge that? I've tried to talk to my husband about some of this but he isn't dealing with things all that well either. I don't know if there is a right answer. Thoughts?? Kelly
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calico, hugs to you, and prayers your way
Kelly, hugs to you too. I have no answer or even a thought process on that. Very difficult. Hope this next chemo buys you a lot of time
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