Mastectomy Sept 2011
Comments
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Thanks rk! I know, it made me think twice about being so open. So someone really said that last line to you? Wow. Ignorance. Complete ignorance!
I would so totally go off on someone if they said that to me...but I'd probably be so stunned at their ignorance that I wouldn't be able to say anything at all! 0 -
The comment was more along the line of 'you must accept ______ if you want to get better', others have alluded to my faithlessness or belief in wrong faith as a contributing factor.
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The religion thing is a real hot button issue with me. I believe in G-d and prayer but cannot tolerate those who think that their religion is the one true way and that salvation lies in converting to their religion. Since I belong to a minority religious group, I have heard this more often than I care to. Why can't we just respect each others religious beliefs (or lack of them)? And what on earth does that have to do with getting bc? Ok, off my soapbox now. Shabbat Shalom!
Caryn0 -
rk, that is SO WRONG. Well I sure won't be judging you! And Caryn, I couldn't agree more!
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My take on the religious comments is that people are completely freaked out about the randomness of cancer. If it can happen to you, someone they likely relate to, it can happen to them, right? So lots of people, in my opinion, hold up their faith as a shield that'll hopefully protect them from getting dx'd with cancer. Well, we all know LOTS of people of very strong faith who've been dx'd, I bet. Along with jerks, lovely people, people who did everything "right" in terms of lifestyle, and those who played fast and loose w/known risk factors like smoking, drinking, obesity, etc. Does anyone deserve it? NO. Did anyone bring it on him/herself? NO.
I had a friend who brought me to a couple of chemo treatmentments first time around . . . very smart, Harvard-educated woman. She told me on one trip that she felt like if she did a good thing by taking me to chemo, it'd somehow protect her from ever being dx'd. What???
There's nothing I'd like more than an answer to the question "why??" But for now, I need to remain comfortable w/the uncertainty and do the best I can to live a life w/no regrets - whether I have 5 days or 5,000 days left on this earth.
Hugs to all of you - hope everyone can find some way to enjoy this weekend!
Sarah
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Great post Sarah - and - just read your blog - excellent, fantastic post - and happy, happy, HAPPY 10 year cancerversary!
Here's to a great weekend everyone!
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Caryn - Well said...I so agree with you. BC knows no boundaries regardless of religous beliefs..
Sarah - Happy 10 year cancerversary!! May you have so many more....I wish you never had to have one at all but if wishes were dollars, we'd be celebrating somewhere tropical with umbrella drinks....lol
rk85 - I too have been asked that same question and wonder why people think bigger is better? Sadly, I was fine with my pre-BC size and will be quite content if restored to relatively the same ballpark.
Been busy with errands & trying to catch up on some cleaning yesterday & today so I indulged in a wonderful hot bubble bath. Intend to have a lazy Sunday and hope everyone is enjoying their weekend. Hugs to all.
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Well another lucky side effect of this horrible storm - I went to the YMCA to shower instead of imposing on friends every single day and was faced with the - "How do I get dressed without being naked in front of anyone?" Which led to a lot of things I hadn't really planned on facing quite yet.
It's one thing to be naked in front of doctors and nurses - but in a locker room - I wasn't prepared... I couldn't do it - i put my bra on in the shower. It was bad enough my lat flap scar was down my back And of course then I started to wonder - will I EVER be able to dress in front of other women?
Ah... so much to process... But I was thankful for a warm shower. Still no power here in CT.... they MAY get it back on tomorrow - but I am not hopeful. I was going to start working from home this coming week - but without power that may be tricky so I probably won't even bother and just wait another week - even though I only get 75% pay.
Ah ladies... we made it through the surgery but there's still so more to process about our bodies - glad to have you all here to share it with.
Rest to you -
Tina
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Tina,
(((HUGS))) ..... Hang in there.
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Hey friends - up early here on a Sunday a.m. thanks to achy body and "falling back" - thought I'd check in w/my bresties . . . .
Thanks for the good anniversary wishes, DT & Odie. Was a mixed day - in the past few years I've really enjoyed celebrating that day, albeit in a quiet way, just for me. Part of the issue was that it was on a Saturday, so the rush of weekend acitivies didn't leave me w/a lot of space. And then part of it is, well, that I just had a BMX 6 weeks ago and I'm definitely not fully recovered . . . . ah well. As the days and years go by, things will be better. At least I know that from experience!
Tina - I have played that scenario out in my mind more than a few times, being a gym addict myself. There is no private changing area at all there? A lot of times, I notice that there is at least one stall somewhere for privacy, but maybe not in that Y. How awkward and awful to be caught up short by the whole thing. And the not having power for a week thing is frying me on your behalf. I keep seeing the news about this and I just cannot imagine the utilities getting away with this. We have the same issues in Western MA and the governor toured the area end of the week and was appalled. I hope hope hope it's on today for you. For so many reasons, not the least of which is that you can shower in your own bathroom!!
Well, I saved up my energy and ventured out to the annual spelling bee w/DD & DH around 5 yesterday. It's a quick event and we did our usual of going for Chinese afterwards - home by 6:45 and I was VERY tired. I saw lots of friends at the Bee, chatted a lot, stood for a while - was basically "normal" for an hour or so . . . and it drove home that I'm not normal yet. In my small little world I'm doing great, but I still have stamina to build up. My swelling is still there from Friday, which I'm pissed off about too - and yes, eating some Chinese food didn't help w/deflation b/c of the sodium. Today will be a low-salt day for sure.
I'm off to lose myself in the Times or the giant Steve Jobs bio. Thinking today is not going to be my best and need to not dwell on things . . . hope you all got some rest last night and can enjoy this extra hour today.
Sarah
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Sorry, my dear ladies, I am not feeling good, this 3 chemo hit me this time really bad! Leaking disappeared, though the same day I came from PS. i STILL THINK ABOUT WHAT IS IT between
my struggling . I hope next week I will feel better. Sarah, I am with you about supersticiuos people, nobody knows why , but I personally had huge huge stress in 2009 and was under anxiety and depression all this time.Is it a reason? who knows?
hugs to everyone. Olga
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Tina - gosh I hope your electricity is on by now! Regarding the gym changing scene - I haven't changed in front of other women since highschool - never felt comfortable with it then and certainly wouldn't now. I usually always change in the shower stall like you did or in the bathroom stall. It came from the fact that the other highschool girls would tease me about how small my chest was. So, I understand the not feeling comfortable, and I certainly would feel much worse now in that situation. There is nothing wrong with being more modest about your body, especially now that we have been through such a traumatic change. I agree, it is going to take longer to get over the mental/emotional wounds than the physical ones. Be easy on yourself. :-)
Sarah - hope you can lose yourself in the paper and also enjoy some of today. Sorry you are feeling kinda "blah" - we need those days, too. I know I've had my share!
Olga - hope you feel better very soon. Such a tough battle we face to win this war against the cancer beast! <hugs>
Lorraine
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Hi all - I'm doing a cruddy job of keeping up with everyone's posts but I so benefit from our group conversation! I'm also feeling easily tired and a bit down at times. I remind myself that even though I'm in "the home stretch" with rads as the final piece, it's been a heck of a long year... It's reasonable that I have exhausted and/or funky days. Re: having people see our bodies and scars, I didn't look at my own BMx scars until 6 weeks out. Once rads started, I figured I needed to monitor the redness of my skin. Agree completely that people make stupid comments and are always trying to console themselves as to why THEY won't get bc - ha, if only it were that easy to control!
Caryn - so glad your lung issue is mostly resolved.
Olga - also glad your leaking appears to be better.
Thinking of you all. Happy Sunday!
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Brief update:
- love and wishes for continued healing for all
- I hate my chest tube
- indulged in my first bit of shopping for grand daughter on Friday. Super cute outfit and her first book, Goodnight Moon( teacher approved!). My younger daughter also bought her niece to be some cute things. Could not believe how much "stuff" they have for babies these days!
- went to local farmer's market on Saturday for the first time in many weeks. Lovely fall day, fewer vendors and crowds but wonderful fall fruits and veggies. Bought lots of good stuff.
-I hate my chest tube.
- will just putter around the house today and am about to enjoy some stewed prunes. Thinking of you, Sarah! I am still taking Lortab at bed time because of the chest tube. Did I mention that I hate it?
Visit to the thoracic surgeon tomorrow. Hoping that he takes hated chest tube out! Have a wonderful Sunday.
Caryn0 -
So Caryn, how do you feel about that chest tube??
I'm keeping fingers crossed that it comes out tomorrow.Tina - are you powered up??
Olga - sorry you're feeling cruddy, honey . . . glad you're not leaking and feeling cruddy!? hang in there.
Silia - great to hear from you!
I wish it weren't the case, but I do find it comforting that I'm not alone in all of this. I feel more rested after lying around all day, but I'm still all swollen up - grapefruits under the arms. And now I'm pretty certain I have a yeast infection too - result of my 5 weeks on Augmentin, you think? Will need to phone in for a script for that one tomorrow a.m. Yuck.
Sights are set on a better week this week - was going over all that I did, and realized that it all started w/Halloween - overdoing starting Monday and really not letting up much. This week, I'll ratchet it back, for sure.
Hugs to all!
Sarah
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Yes, Caryn, tell us how you REALLY feel about that chest tube!! Seriously, though, I am so sorry you have had to go through this, and hopiing you get that d****d tube out tomorrow!
I have just read through most of the posts for the past 4 pages - congrats to Sarah on driving, empathizing with those of you with low energy, agreeing that PT is NECESSARY part of our recovery (myofascial release is very helpful, especially for axillary cording and other stretching). Thinking warmest thoughts for all of you tonight. Olga and others doing chemo, try Keri lotion or other good body lotion on your scalp to relieve itching and pain. I also used sunburn lotion with aloe and lidocaine occasionally, and it helped a little, but the Keri lotion helped more. With the colder weather, you may want a fleece cap that is soft and warm.
I had a rough few weeks - don't remember what I posted last, but the first week after surg had allergic reaction to chloraprep (the didn't use betadine for preop skin prep) so itched for over a week from neck to belly and all across the chest. Then got skin infection, infected seromas that had to be drained twice, followed by bad reaction to antibiotic so had to change meds. I started having severe pain like a rug burn under my ALD arm, the NP told me it was "normal reaction to surgery" but the PT said it was axillary cording and should be treated now to relieve the pain. My mother was here helping for a month - I had originally thought a couple weeks was all I would need. I am so thankful for her, and she finally left on Monday to get back to her own life. I managed to teach my classes on M/W mornings, but have had no energy for anything else, including checking in here. I have missed you all!!!! but have been keeping you in my heart.
I was intrigued by the religion comments. I have done a lot of reading this past year, and have found some comfort in some rather non-traditonal views of God that I don't share with many. I have been reading about process theology that has given me a lot to reflect on, and some of your comments and questions above are addressed in these readings. If anyone wants books or authors, PM me as I don't think this is the best place for discussing religious views in depth - I don't want to offend anyone, and lots of people already think I am nuts anyway.
Sorry I am so long-winded tonight. Just wanted to catch up and send everyone gentle hugs.
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Chest tube diary
Although I did not get the chest tube removed today, the improvement in my lung inflation has been excellent. I'm almost at 100%. My thoracic surgeon ( yup, in a addition to a plastic surgeon, I now have a thoracic surgeon. As a matter of fact, bc has given me my very own posse of surgeons, doctors and other assorted medical practioners!) was very pleased and said that he will do one more x ray, on Saturday, and remove it if all is still well. Yeah!!!!! Maybe then I can get on with bc treatment
Hope you are all having a good day.
Caryn0 -
Happy Monday my friends.
Wanted to check in with my favorite peeps..
Caryn - Sure hope you got rid of that chest tube today. Not sure but I get the impression you won't miss it....lol
Tina - Please tell me you have power now.. Just saw on the news that some people in the Hartford area are stil out and may be until Wednesday... That is insane!!!
Olgah - I am so sorry you are feeling bad with treatment. Hoping things get a better for you each day.
Silia - I too have weepy days even though I know I have been blessed as things have gone relatively smoothly for me thru this process. I have decided it must just be normal after everything.
Linda - Saddend to hear that you have been having such a rough time of things lately but am glad you had your mother to help you during that time. I lost my mom several years ago so I missed her dearly during this crappy "journey". Glad it now seems you are on the upswing now.
Sarah - I too find it comforting to have you guys to whine, cry, complain & share with. Things would have been alot more lonely and scary if not for you ladies. Now that stupid swelling needs to just go away...... .
As for me, I saw my PS for the last time until my exchange surgery. He did one final fill so I am feeling sore and somewhat uncomfortable but notes he is pleased with how I have "sailed thru treatment". And now that I have completed the pre-op registration, it is officially Countdown to squishies time!!!!!
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Linda - so glad you got the treatment for the cording. I recognized mine right away, and treated it, and it seems to be 99% improved now. Mine didn't feel like burning, but more of a sharp pain and pulling when I had my arm in certain overhead positions. It was different from the normal stretch sensation I had been having all along.
Caryn - awesome news about the lung inflation! Hope all continues to progress well with that so you can get rid of the *!?**!?** tube!
Odie - congrats on getting the last fill!!!
I'm waiting to get my mammo and MRI (not looking forward to having the new foobs squooshed) this week, then surgery to remove the areola a week from tomorrow. Also, working on trying to get a 3rd opinion on rads, since my first two disagree. <sigh>
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Do you remember the discussions we had both here and on the surgery thread regarding clothing/dressing/bathing tips with drains? I forgot to mention that I should start a whole sub-genre on how to do all of these things with a chest tube. My third, and current chest tube, enters my body slightly below my right collar bone, very close to my port. It is covered by a huge, specialized bandage which needs either turtlenecks or artfully draped scarves to cover it up. However, at this point, I don't care and am just wearing things I can put on/take off comfortably.
Caryn0 -
Linda - great to hear from you, but so sorry it's been a rough time. Thank goodness your mother was able to stay longer . . . it's amazing how much all this can take out of us and how comforting it is to have the help. Good for you for being proactive w/the cording - all that stuff gets worse w/time, so sounds like you're nipping the nasties in the bud! Here's to a big upswing for you.
Caryn - and you, too, girl - are you in need of an upswing! Happy your lung is perking up, but sorry you might be w/that beloved tube for several more days. My fingers are crossed for Saturday, now. It sounds like it must be a huge PITA to deal with - what an awkward location.
Lorraine - What day are you getting your mammo? Want to keep you in my thoughts - not something to look forward to. And is the aerola surgery out-pt.? Hope at least you can do a day-surgery and get home to your own bed after that. You're slogging through a lot in these next few weeks, w/the third opinion and all. Hang in there - it's exhausting emotionally to do all this stuff, but it's all in the name of having you be as healthy as you can be . . . rootin' for you!
Odie - the final fill!? Crazy. You'll have to let us know how you like the squishies . . . and then you'll be done . . . imagine? Amazing.
Saw PT yesterday and she is not concerned about swelling - still thinks it's minimal and that I'm just attuned to it b/c we're working on it so much. I got a script for Diflucan for my yeast infection, and coincidentally, my swelling is DRAMATICALLY down this a.m. - such that I actually slept on both sides in the early morning hours?? Coincidence? Or could somehow the yeast overgrowth have been fostering that swelling? Seems unlikely but what a strange coincidence. I'll take it, I'm feeling much better today and bottom line, that's what I want, right!
Off to brew some tea and get my kid ready for an all-day field trip to Plimoth Plantation (yes, that's the old-fashioned spelling of Plymouth they use). A rite of passage for grade schoolers in this area . . . hope you all have a terrific Tuesday (or at least relatively terrific!).
Sarah
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Caryn -- Sounds like things are getting better for you.
Odie -- final fill YEA!!!
Lorraine -- good luck with the mamo/MRI/surgery and 3rd opinion. You will be in my thoughts.
Sarah -- yea to less swelling and sleeping on your side.
As for me today I have fill #3. I hope to have 2-3 more and be done with the fills. Last night I taught my Pilates class and it was so wonderful to get back to the gym and my regulars. I couldn't do all of the moves yet but I will take it. As I mentioned I went back to work last week mid week and this is my first full week back. It is tiring, but it is so nice to get back a more normal live where all day isn't about BC.
Have a good Tues all..
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Sarah - mammo is Thursday morning 7 a.m....what a way to start my day! Blech! Thank you for your empathy! MRI is Friday morning...still a bit worried about laying with my arms over my head on my stomach for 30 to 40 minutes...and yes, surgery next Tuesday the 15th - only outpatient, maybe an hour surgery - should be a breeze compared to the BMX, LOL. Funny how that puts everything else in perspective! Also, thank you for the support on the 3rd opinion on rads, etc. Why oh why does it have to be so confusing? Wish it was clear cut, but alas, that is not my luck.
Oh and I'm sooooo excited for you to have less swelling! So strange to be associated with the new med...weird! And to sleep on your side - YES!!!! That is such a HUGE thing! Yay!
Margie - wow, how awesome you are back to teaching Pilates - so amazing!!! At only 5 wks out? Wow! I understand about not being able to do all the moves but being sooooooooo happy to have some normalcy back and be with your friends, etc. away from cancer. That's how I feel when I go to dance class...still not 100% by far, but happy to move my feet!
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Wow Margie! You're back at it - that's amazing. I'm waiting to see what my PS says tomorrow, but today, feeling better, I was thinking I should call my Pilates instructor and see what's doin'. I could do a lot with legs & trunk and go easy w/upper body . . . very funny b/c the reason I STARTED Pilates in the first place was b/c I couldn't stand up due to my arthritis, so did a lot on my back, w/my arms, etc. What can I say? I love it b/c it's adaptable! Gotta start somewhere - good for you for getting back to it.
OK, Lorraine, I've got to calendar all of that b/c it's a lot - whew! Can you do some nice things for yourself during this week or so of yuck? Tub, mani/pedi, nice meal, some other kind of treat? You need a little somethin' to keep you going. It is so crappy it's not clear-cut re rads, I know. It's so much work this way. And you're tired, I can relate! Just enough already!
I took a 20 minute walk, fast today. It's almost 70 degrees and sunny here - just amazing weather. We'll see how the old armpits do w/that. I'm going to try working up 2 minutes per day. Taking it SO easy. Maybe the med/swelling thing is a coincidence, but like I said, whatever, I'll take it.
After I walked, I tried on my swimsuits from this past summer - just to see how the new foobs looked. I look EXACTLY the same - although I have to say in one low-cut suit, the stiffness of the foobs actually keeps the top of the suit up better than my natural breasts did - so there's an advantage, I guess! I got some rashers from Athleta on sale - they arrived in the mail but I can't put them on except over my head & they're tight, so I'll wait 'til I'm cleared for that . . . the old body is softer around the edges, but not insanely awful. We go away in Feb. to the beach and I'm already using that as a goal to clean up my act a bit eating-wise and looking forward to toning things up again when I get the green light!
Off to have tea & a rest. Alarm co. is coming at 1 and I need to have my A-game 'cause she's going to try to sell me "features" I don't want . . . rash of break-ins all over here and so I need to re-connect our system.
Sarah
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Sarah -- you should ask your Pilates instructor if she has heard of pink Pilates http://www.pinkribbonprogram.com/ I plan to get training in it, but I have to wait - the class in my aeaa was the weekend after my BMX. I did get the book and took it to my PT appointment and my PT said she thought it was a good program.
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I am soooooo frustrated. I just asked my radiation oncologist, who is from a large university hospital, what my recurrence risk would be with and without radiation. The answer was "Reported rates of local recurrence in the literature are significantly higher with involved margins." Come ON. I feel like my case is not being looked at specifically enough for my particular situation. Onward with getting the 3rd opinion.
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Hi Ladies,
I'm feeling a little less sore but still have a lot of fatigue. Had my labs drawn to check thyroid and lipids etc....for my endo appointment tomorrow. Hopefully she'll be able to come up with something.
dancetrancer: why don't you ask your radiation oncologist to discuss your case with his department at the next case meeting? Big groups and universities regularly discuss patient cases to get input on treatment. Tell him you want more specific information and not just a repeat of what the literature states. You could also get a second opinion. I'm a pharma rep and I ask a lot of questions.
Next week I have my 3rd fill and I'm sure I will then be sore for a week. Is that how it is for those of you with TE's? You get your fill and then you are sore and tired for about a week and right when you start to feel better---then it's time for your next fill? I'm hoping I will be satisfied with the size and I won't need too many more fills. I was a small B cup before and I always wished I was a little bigger so I'd like to be a full C but don't know if I can endure all this skin expanding. Any thoughts from anyone who's ahead of me? I have 300 cc's on the right and 250 cc's on the left. My left breast was radiated 7 years ago with my first round of BC. They are being careful on this side because of risk of poor healing, infection etc....but so far everything is good with no problems.
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Margie - she is Pink Ribbon certified! I remember when she was doing it, her asking me all these questions about my first breast cancer - who knew that she'd get to work her magic on me after a BMX? I feel fortunate that she is tuned into this, plus, we have a great relationship. I miss her and can't wait to be back in the studio.
Yeah, Lorraine - whatev to that comment. Will your oncologist help you out w/this, too? My oncologist has always been my go-to guy for questions on recurrence, no matter what the treatment - I have never clicked w/the rads guys and they have always taken a back seat to my surgeon and oncologist. You are SO right to get that 3rd opinion. This is not worth fooling around with and you need a comfort level going forward!
Jaysmommy - hope you get answers tomorrow. I gotta say, I think it's that you had major surgery not long ago and you are still dealing w/fills, etc. etc. I hope there is nothing too wrong and that what you need are more R&R. But I'm sorry you are having pain after fills. If it makes you feel any better, my left, prior-irradiated breast, is doing GREAT after my immediate implant placement - has healed so nicely and aside from some minor persistent swelling, is healthy. There is hope for yours, too!
Sarah
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Jaysmommy-- I like you I was a small B and want to be a C when this is done. I am having my fills weekly and the TE are painful after the fill and by the end of the week they are just uncomfortable and then I get another fill. You have a bit more then me in yours right now I have 250cc in left 260cc in right. My PS told me today after my fill that we should be good after 2 more fills. I was having pain when moving from a reclining position to an up right position and found wearing a bra to bed helps with that pain.0
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Jaysmommy - hope your fatigue starts improving soon and that your fills next week go well. Thank you for the feedback on my situation. I did already have a meeting with the BS and RO as a team. Unfortunately, at that time, I was overwhelmed finding out they recommended bilat rads and didn't ask the specific #'s question, even though I had it written down.
I am going to wait until my next appt with them to ask more questions. They don't seem to like answering questions via phone or email, only in appts. Oh, and I am going to get another opinion. Hopefully it won't just confuse me more! Sarah - thank you for the encouragement - I'm definitely feeling the stress this week and will take your advice! Hope you get clearance for Pilates! And yay on the advantage of the new foobs in the swimsuit!!!
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