February 2012 Chemo
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Really funny, on the radio it says in the eyes of the law mental abuse within a marriage is classed the same as physical abuse. Also if your DH doesn't give you access to the family money that goes againest him.
We were in the kitchen when we heard this and DH went very quiet. Today he is bending over backwards to be nice to me. He has booked two meals out for us and has made dinner tonight.
I knew this would become law as so many woman suffer from it within marriages.
Monday is our wedding anniversary.0 -
Ahhh! I could scream. Just typed a big long post and lost it. That is so frustrating.
Anyway, I saw the doctor today. My CT scan was totally normal. I am fine. MO says we may never know what caused the abnormal blood tests. Could be my statin meds or the chemo. I stopped the statin meds a week ago and we will draw blood again in three weeks. If all is fine, it could be the meds. Anyway, he said he 'considers me to be in remission." That was good news. Of course, none of us really know if we're in remission but I'll take that good news and move on.
I need to stop worrying so much and start to savor each day that I have. It seems i've been on the cancer roller coaster so long I don't know how to 'walk upright' and not wobbly as I try to transition to a more normal routine.
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Ahhh! I could scream. Just typed a big long post and lost it. That is so frustrating.
Anyway, I saw the doctor today. My CT scan was totally normal. I am fine. MO says we may never know what caused the abnormal blood tests. Could be my statin meds or the chemo. I stopped the statin meds a week ago and we will draw blood again in three weeks. If all is fine, it could be the meds. Anyway, he said he 'considers me to be in remission." That was good news. Of course, none of us really know if we're in remission but I'll take that good news and move on.
I need to stop worrying so much and start to savor each day that I have. It seems i've been on the cancer roller coaster so long I don't know how to 'walk upright' and not wobbly as I try to transition to a more normal routine.
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The second post was a dupe. I had trouble posting.
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Ali: I am so sad to read about how your marriage is going. Fighting cancer is hard enough without going thru that as well. I'm glad he had a little enlightening from the radio comments. My suggestion to you is to get legal advice and not depend on what others tell you as to your rights. Also, perhaps a good counselor. I've edited this to add: Don't make any quick decisions. IF you choose to end your marriage, it's a major decision. Plan it well with good advice and forethought. Maybe, just maybe, you two will find a way to work thru this to better times. (Wishful thinking, perhaps!)
We're all here to be supportive and loving to you. (Hugs). I wish we could 'hug' you better and to happiness.
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Never rains but it pours!! I either never post at all or post a million at once.
RE: SHINGLES: My MO says now that the chemo is over with, I can get the shingles shot to prevent it if I wish. Someone told me it is very expensive and insurance won't pay for it. Anyone know anything about this? And what about possible side effects? Based on Firstcall's experience, I sure don't want to get shingles if there's a way to avoid it.
FLU SHOTS: I've also been told I can get the seasonal flu shot if I wish. I usually get it and I haven't had any flu or even a classic 'cold' for several years. Hopefully, that can continue.
WORK: Soon, I will start to transition back to a 40 hr work week. I worked 8 hours yesterday. It was hard, not so much cause I was tired but it just seemed like such a long time to be there. Ugh. I need to definitely plan to retire. I got spoiled this past ten months.
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Ali,
I am so sorry for the marriage troubles. I do hope you and DH are able to work it out. I have been divorced and the divorce was only slightly less painful than all this cancer stuff. But, the pain of an unhappy marriage is not any better...Karen - some insurances do cover the shingles vaccine, and when I last checked (1-2 years ago) I think it cost roughly $250 if insurance did not cover it. Contact your primary care physician and have them check for you. The vaccine is not 100% effective; don't hold me to this but I think it reduces your chances of getting shingles by 50% or 67%. SO GLAD your CT scan came out good!!!
I'm beat. Had herceptin today, saw RO and set up my "treatment planning" appointment for Monday (not really sure what that entails; they told me but I did not retain it), and met with the prosthetic fitter and she ordered me two prosthetics and three bras. Dealing with planning for radiation and prosthetics sucked all the emotional energy out of me.
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Christina, Herceptin always wiped me out. Not as much as the big chemo, but I was tired the day of, and the day after. And facing RADS, is emotional. Much love
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OH and I knew I'd gained weight, but apparently I've gone from a 34C to a 36D. I NEED to lose weight!!! I just hate everything about my body right now.
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Chrstina, I never had Herceptin but I still understand being wiped out. I'll ck with my primary phy about the shingles shot. Thanks.
I'm lingering at home when I should be at work or at least in the car. I should feel so good but am incredibly depressed and sad. WTF. I am actually shedding tears. The thought of being 'normal' again and working 8 hour days and just waiting for the paychecks to pay bills is depressing. I've made some really bad financial decisions the past two years that are now hitting me in the face when I want to retire. Somehow, I have to let go and forgive myself for bad choices but it would be easier if those choices weren't affecting what I do now so much. Well, off to work with a smile on a face.
Noone is sympathetic to me anymore ... at work, at home, on my FB pages. Everyone just says move on with life. I've had one friend post a bunch of things to my FB wall about moving on. Don't they realize it isn't that simple? All my friends are married, with two incomes, a house, good quality cars, retired, some are taking fancy vacations, etc. You got the picture. Am I jealous? Yeah, probably. I never was till I got the cancer. Geesh, I gotta get out of these doldrums.
Sorry all, I had to vent. I'm hopeful I'll feel better by this evening. Thanks for 'listening."
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Wow, I just read over what I wrote. I'm on a real pity party. I should delete what I just posted but will leave it on cause that's where I'm at.....a real range of emotions. Yesterday morning, I was worried I might have more cancer and this morning I'm feeling sorry for myself cause I don't have more money, can't travel, have bills to pay and have to go to work. Wow. I know I should be thankful and I am. But, just the same. I am leaving for work now and will be thinking about my life today and try to formulate a plan so I can enjoy what's ahead. If I have to keep working, I need to do little rewards for myself to make it easier to bear. And I really truly am grateful for the good things in my life. It's just that I've been really lonely lately. I got some thinking to do!
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another dupe. I'm doing that a lot on here lately. losing posts, duping them. sigh.
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FLDREAMER...my heart aches for you and all you are going thru. It just plain SUX and we all understand. It will eventually take care of itself but in the meantime you are going thru hell....DAMN IT!! I wish you more good days than bad...anytime you wanna vent...LET ER RIP!!!!
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Fldreamer, just a thought but can't you join a club something you would enjoy. How about meeting some nice fella who would wine and dine you.
There must be some clubs where singles can meet and do fun things together.
Cooking, book club, wine tasting, painting there must be something you've always wanted to try.
Christina, I have put on weight it's called normal eating haha.0 -
Fldrmr, I was warned by my team that this is the hardest part. Letting go of being the patient, protected, supported, cared for. This is the time we need everyone here because we all go through it. The well, you're better now, right? Well, yes, but! Better, but not DONE. Still lots of things to worry about and still lots to do, but with everyone thinking you shouldn't need anything cause, you're healed, right?!? So come and vent cause we are all going through or going to be in it. Hugs to you, and much love.
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Oops, meant to give Christina hugs too! Hang in there. My body is doing what it wants to right now. Back on the big D with the ABX. Oh well, we will get through this too. Don't hate yourself, you are worth so much more than you think right now. You are very special, not everyone could have made it through your tx like you did. But make it you did. Much love.
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Thanks, all, for your support and understanding. I finally got over my teary, depressed mood today. But it took a while. The workday wasn't too bad but then I didn't work a full 8 hours either. I do intend to start looking into a book club or something locally. Maybe that would help. I think being off so long for the cancer has made me a bit afraid to be retired and have time on my hands. I need to develop a plan. I really do appreciate that all of you understand the emotional swings we experience. As I said in my earlier post, it seems everyone just figures the cancer is 'over' and I am fine now. I'm sure I'll still go up and down a bit before I steady out. Thanks again.
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Karen, HA we wish all this were really over. Does it ever really end? People who have not been through it do not understand. But we do! and we are here for you. For your financial concerns - would it help to have a consultation with a financial planner? Someone who could help you formulate a plan? Just a thought. When it comes to my finances, I feel better having a plan written out.
Thanks for the support ladies.
I hope everyone has a great weekend. It's beautiful out here in southwest Missouri, cool comfortable and sunny.
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karen..gosh- i SO understand where you are coming from...at 58 almost 59 i want to think about retiring in what 6-8 years however, it will be at least 11-12 if not more! specially IF there is an y social security left - i can't really collect til i'm at least 70! and then; i'll be paying my school loans! next month (oct 1st) i become eligible to start paying into a 401k at work and get good "matches"--any that i had before were all depleted when hubby had his big illness in 2005 and accident in 2006...so i am starting from scratch as well....
we have -repeat HAVE to think ahead and plan and be proactive and the "down" days are sure to hit us and be real--just try to move forward each day--and i am NOT trying to be like the person on your fb page!!!!! it is NOT easy however we have gone thru the worst....know that we on here care!
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susan-grit--are you making a statement with your avatar sideways???!!!!!
btw your hair is really growing!!!!!
love it!
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ali....if you feel that you truly would be better off without him- then you would be....however-as the others have said --think it through and remember taht money DOES buy food and rent!
personally; tho i love companionship,,,i do NOT believe that everyone is worthy of that "title"...and we each need to be strong for ourselves-if yor hubby cannot appreciate you and care for you as needed ...move on.....
that's all i can say cuz i cannot give advice given my own dis-satisfaction of my living situation and my inability to leave him...he needs me more than i need him -so i am sticking-and biding time.(tho my friends and medical professionals think i am nuts-that i am HIS caregiver as well as mine AND chief cook and bottle washer/laundress/taxi driver etc etc that i did when my kids were wee ones! no wonder i'm tired--ahhhhh i'm getting off track on this thread meant for you!
hugs!
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ok- to update personally-
our wisconsin trip -gosh--it had it's bad moments-like after driving more than 12 hours not being able to find the key to get into the cottage -took almost 45 minutes! the cottage is single wall construction ( built early 1900's) no heat source and the fireplace cannot be used so we were COLD-however we had electricity - 4 tv channels of crap and we had running water!the bed was too soft and i had to go buy an extension cord to plug in my cpap ( i used to have one in the travel bag-not sure where it went!also bought a few magazines to pass the time!
the dog travelled well tho she really was a PITA about sleeping- kept waking me up barking (she normally sleeps thru the nite)
brother in law is really not good- hospice is coming in and he is on morphine every 6 hours as needed. it was good for the brothers to be together and their sister was also with them-there is still quite a bit of denial in my sis in law and it hurts to watch it.
i've already started packing a suitcase for the funeral so whenever he passes it won't take too much to get there.i don't expect him to live til Christmas and i am not trying to be pessimistic.
our truck ran well but i think i may rent a car for the next trip.driving thru michigan and across the UP took an extra 3 hours and 150 miles but was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO worth not having the hassles of Chicago driving. i did find some beauty--the fall colors were starting to change- i love fall--the smells and colors and so i took pleasure in what beauty i could find!and i truly believe that i should own or rent property along rt 2 in the UP--i was meant to be able to put my feet in the water at the very top of the lake (michigan) !!!!! it's a feeling that i cannot put into words- and hubby gets upset when i take the time to do it but i have to for my soul!!!!!!
moon- i am not sure where in wisc you are-need to look at the map--we were up by green bay appleton shawano area.
getting back late tuesday nite gave me little time to rest before back into tx and work on weds--had two tx on weds- at 830 and 430...then very tired afterwards. but i cannot tell if it's rads fatigue or just all of the emotional stress and travelling...today i couldn't even think of the word "fatigue" an hour or so ago! i know that i am tired!
weds and thurs i did 4 days' work at work in 2 days- then thurs we found out that 6 of the 8 of my work dept were moving to another bldg-just across the parking lot - and we would "move as early as monday"---imagine my surprise when i got to work yesterday after tx to find out we were moving NOW! so we spent the day moving boxes and equipment and stuff- as well as doing our daily jobs--let's just say that today i am pooped! it will cause some logistics issues with some of the tasks i perform--have to work thru them! but it's nice and quiet over there!we are told taht it could be as long as 18 months of this- the company is looking to consolidate two offices into one centrally located and our bldg has outgrown itself so we and 4 ppl from another dept had to move...i am not sure whether or not i like it....
i have a load in the washing machine- i am babysitting early tomorrow morning and think i am going in my jammies!there is so very much i WANT to do this weekend and so very little that i am GOING to do.....someday i want to get this house organized and unpacked from our move of over 3 months ago!
i'm officially half way thru my rads--actually have 16 more to go!
edited to add this- the ins issue- my HR lady called and i am good! medical mutual said that so long as i had coverage i am ok! she faxed the certificate of coverage so it's good!!!!! if not; i would have had to wait 9 months!!!!! owie!!!!!!!!!!! the whole subject is so sore with me!!!!
now i think we are uptodate--still wanting eyelashes! brows are TRYING to thicken and darken....
sending hugs to all!
i posted the below on my fb page- lovey is my cat;
a true Lovey Wow! since we moved, Lovey has not liked this house! she spent the first month in between the window blinds and the glass -meowing...since then, she self- imposed and exile to the laundry room- her litter box and food dish are there as well as hiding places...today, she sought me out in the computer room (she wanted FOOD!)and we sat for an hour in my recliner- she was bathing for most of that hour however we were together in the chair unthreatened and comfy! progress...slow but sure....
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Lumps, I am so glad you made for the brothers to get together. It will mean a lot later on. I am south of greenbay, about an hour and s half, but that's not a bad trip. The north route through the UP is great and beautiful, but remember in the winter its horrible. If you have to come back before November check to see if the ferries are running. Might be worth to save a lot of time. The northern one is the Badger and leaves Luddingtin, MI and lands near Manitowoc. the lakeshore Express lands in Milwaukee. Not sure Where it leaves MI, but its faster and more expensive.
But I am glad you made it back safely, and with all that's going on for you, hope you get some good rest. Much love0 -
i have taken the badger and i loved the trip however it is extremely expensive!!!!! just cannot do it!when i moved to the UP in 1999 i took my 26ft ryder truck on the badger!
i'll make the drive in winter---not an issue so long as i can get outta my driveway!!!!!
yes; the trip was needed and i am so glad that we made it...so is my sweetie.
i'll go look on the map now to see where you are!
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HI all, my mood is better today. It's cold out but the sun is shining and I sorta am too...meaning I'm not tearful and depressed. Oh, how these mood swings throw me off!
Lumpy: I'm glad your trip went without major problems, however, that cabin sounds cold. I can't imagine returning to work and finding out you're moving...like immediately. What a tiring day it must have been. And, two rads in one day? Wow, that sounds painful. I'm glad you're halfway thru. That is a good feeling, I know. I'm two weeks post final rad now and the skin irritation has all but ended. I feel kind of normal except for the emotions, some fatigue and the continued neuropathy.
I was gonna pick up the 15 yr old g'daughter soon and take her with to run an errand but she just called and cancelled on me. Oh well, maybe we'll get together later. She always cheers me up. And I am so glad I hopefully can still live a long time and be around for her. She has a chaotic homelife with my daughter so I try to be her sounding board when she needs it.
Sad situation: My daughter and the 15 yr old live in a duplex soon to be sold. They struggle financially and yesterday looked at a fantastic rental at a very reasonable price. We were all excited about the possibliity of them getting it only to find out the house had really been sold and the craigslist listing was a scam (full of grammar errors and red flags). The rental did not exist and if the daughter had forwarded personal info, she could have lost money, etc. Geesh, I'm really old (69) but still astounded by the number of dishonest people in the world. Somehow, there's still that idealistic part of me that thinks everybody is nice, honest, trustworthy, etc. Most people really are but ... we have to watch out for the others who are just waiting to take advantage.
Anyway, I'm going to run my errands and then come home and clean my messy (little 360 sq ft house). It's like one of those tiny houses you see on line. Everything has to have a place and be there. If I didn't have a storage shed in the yard, I'd go nuts. Wish I could enjoy my patio but it's just too cold out there. Have a good day, all. I'll enjoy my good mood while it lasts and try to maintain it. Oh, and it is a good idea to consult a financial planner. Thanks for the suggestion.
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Lumpy: I forgot to mention. I am soooo glad your insurance will continue and cover current stuff without a waiting period. I know you understand the financial fears and am glad yours won't be any worse than they already are. That is good news!
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lumpy, the picture just uploaded that way.
Karen, so glad this was a cancer false alarm. that is wonderful0 -
Thanks everyone for your kind words. I really do love DH, it's " I don't want him but can't live without him"
Love to everyone0 -
poll:
do you find that you get cold more quickly now?
and that it is harder to warm up?
brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....rained almost all day yesterday and most of the nite so-darn! i can't cut the grass!babysat the grands this morning and it was 65* in their house but felt like 25* !!!! thank goodness they like to snuggle under blankies with their Nonnie!
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for sure....had the fireplace on this morning for an hour and all the windows were shut. Slept last night with winter nightie and even a blanket...poor DH...he was sooooooo warm. I was always cold before but nothing like this.
Most places we go to visit, I am freezing the whole time...I don't like that very much.
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