Why was I stronger DURING treatment than I am now?
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mstrouble: This woman sounds constipated. What a judgmental boob (no pun intended). Obviously after bonding with an animal for 8 years this person is most likely going through something very difficult. Bio Mom, you rock for your sensitively and knowing where to come and freely vent. ((love))
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julieho, i love it that you said "so i could have just one day when i know i am completely cancer free", i would start worrying again the next day! not really, i know it takes some time before the cancer can harm. nice to see you here, and i like it when this thread comes alive too.
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mstrouble
That is ridiculous. One thing that really irks me is when other people are so sure of themselves about what the "right thing" to do is.
As you can see from my post I am a bit overboard with my love of animals. Have always had around 5 dogs since moving to Vermont and even growing up in NYC, god bless my poor Mom, we had at one time 4 dogs (my sister and I loved to bring home strays) living in our apartment.
But, there are many reasons one sometimes has to part with a beloved animal. I did just that many years ago. The year my Mom died I consoled myself by adopting three puppies over the course of one year - bringing our house total to 6 and three of them were under a year old. I had all five kids in the home at the time and even I was entirely overwhelmed in short order. The last pup I got was a lab mix rescue puppy. I had never had a lab and what I found with this puppy was he really wasn't happy to go out in the back yard and frollick with the other dogs, run and play and get his energy out, he was a people dog and just sat and cried at the door unless I was outside with him.
He got along with the other dogs but just didn't want to play or hang with them. Just me, or just a person I should say. After about 4 months I realized this was a bad situation for all of us and we adopted him out to a friend of a friend. Bougie became their "baby" and went everywhere with them, to work, everywhere they went. He lived happily this way for 8 years. After 8 years I got a call, this young couple had just had their second child and were completely overwhelmed, Bougie's tail would continually smack their 2 year old in the face and he was always crying (lab's tails can take out anything on a coffee table) and I think she was also having post partum depression. Anyway, they called to see if I wanted to take Bougie back. My youngest was having a rough summer and was begging for a puppy but with 4 dogs at the time I wasn't wanting another pup. Anyway, I said we would see if Bougie would be happy with us again now that he was a dog. I was worried that he still wouldn't like the "pack life". He came and stayed and instantly bonded with my son who was 8 years old at the time and they were inseparable until Bougie died at the age of 14.
I also adopted two of my five children. My second to youngest son was adopted when he was six years old. He was put up for adoption by his birth mom at the age of 5 1/2. We stayed in touch with his birth mother throughout the years after his adoption. I have to confess I was pretty judgemental towards his birth mom and thought, who does that, puts their child of 6 up for adoption but both Tony and I (my son is now 26) have come to believe that her doing so was in fact an act of love. She was in a terrible relationship and making bad choices and putting her son at risk. Yes, it is awful that she chose a terrible relationship over her young son, but it would have likely been worse if she had kept her young son around her terrible relationship. He sees her periodically and I believe Tony truly believes that his birth mother loves him and always has. I do too.d
When people say stuff like the stuff that woman said they really don't know what they are talking about.
Personally, I think you did the right thing and told her what you thought. You probably didn't change her closed mind but you may have changed someone elses.
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thanks ladies, I guess I just needed reassurance that I wasn't the evil person alive
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I love pets but I have met some dog lovers who are over the top. We rescued a stray off the street a number of years ago, cute tiny puppy, a rottweiler/chow mix. We did all the right things; crate training, lots of love and lots of training, puppy socialization classes, I work at home so he was hardly ever left alone. But within a couple of weeks he showed a vicious streak. We hired a dog trainer who helped us out, but the older he got the worse he got with resource guarding and location guarding. One day I went to get a glass of water and he decided I was not allowed in the dining room. Another, his toy went under the sofa, and when I pulled it out he bit me. The next day, my husband was doing a training session with him, and he went to pick up a treat that had fallen on the ground and he bit him. I picked up a piece of lint on the floor a couple feet away from his crate, and he through himself against the crate, snarling, and continued to snarl at me as I sat across the room putting my shoes on. I did not feel safe with this dog in our home.
We boarded him at a vet for a while ($50/day) until we were able to get him placed with a rottweiler rescue group. Within a few days of being with the other rotties, he'd torn an ear off one of them. They said he was the most aggressive dog their trainer had ever seen, worse than ones they've rescued in abusive situations or who had been trained for fighting.
But this is the "over the top" part. The vet tech where we were boarding him, when I told him that he wouldn't allow me into the dining room, said "Why not just keep him outside?" I replied that then he would likely not allow me in the back yard, and that although it was fenced, there were a half dozen small kids on our block, and I didn't think it wise to keep a vicious dog near so many small kids...dogs sometimes escape, and kids sometimes stick their hands through fences.
To which she said: "What do you care? They're not your kids."
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Oh my... That is insane!!! What happened to the dog in the end? Dogs like that should be put down, it's the only humane thing to do. The kind of life he would have, to keep people safe from him, is no life at all. Sad.
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Last we heard from the rottweiler rescue group, their trainer spent several weeks with him, and then he was adopted by a veterinarian who lived out in the country. We came very close to putting him down, and would have if that group hadn't stepped up. Because of the group's policies, once he was adopted we were not updated on how he was faring.
Although I know that in *most* cases it is true, it is not always the case that "the problem is the owner, not the pet". We did everything the "right" way, even had a professional trainer on the job, and he just got more and more vicious with each passing day.
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wow, cfdr! that is some messed up vet! maybe that is one person who became a vet cause they really don't like people! mstrouble, the fault does not lie with you.
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Crazy vet ass't.! Sounds like you did everything right and the dog has a good home.
I find that whenever "something" comes up that hints at being stressful, I cringe and back way off, wary that I'll not be able to handle it. I have been through a lot these past two and a half years and it has taken a big toll. When new, difficult life events piled up all at once during a week in November last year, I kind of lost it, crying every day, not myself for a couple of months. Tried counseling but couldn't follow through because it was the holidays and my husband had just lost his job. I will probably pursue that again soon now that he has been working again. For two weeks! My dilemma is, just like with cancer, family members don't really understand the stress I was under in November and then through seven months of unemployment, and how it, along with FBC, Hello! affects me still. Currently I am feeling pressure to visit my elderly, very miserably unhappy parents who just moved to a senior center near my brother, which is two states away from me. I flew down and spent several days sorting and packing up their lives in late May in preparation for the move, a very difficult and exhausting task. Hubs just started working, reconstruction is finally finished and I feel like I can finally relax a little. Not ready to try to cheer up and take care of my parents, whom I love dearly but who can hardly think straight most of the time and who deeply regret their move. They seem to need me (only daughter, two brothers) but I need to take care of myself. The family will just have to accept that, I guess. I feel better just having written this down!
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Oh my, I have been experiencing so much of what you ladies are sharing. I have days I can't concentrate at work, reading seems like such a chore! I told my daughter that my brain argues with me- I try to read, and it interupts me and yells, stop it, you are ignoring your aching legs and feet!I am four years out, feeling constantly fatigued, I have a constant ache in my left leg. (shin area) The doctor ordered an X-ray of both legs but it showed nothing. Even my sisters act like I am overly worried, my stage 2b cancer is cured! I feel angry at the doctors, I have been told from day one that my symptoms were just signs of depression, basically saying I was over exaggerating. Yes, I do have other issues from before the cancer, but I am afraid of it returning. Lately I am hearing of so many women who were early stage cancer to start, and then it spread and they are already gone!. One from my 2010 sisters group already! I feel like I have been lied to, that it really is more grim of a diagnosis that I was led to believe?
Am I crazy? Anyone else feel this way? I too was discouraged from looking at this site, but these board were a blessing to me when I was up sleepless nights during treatment!
I just want to add that I am an animal lover too! I have four dogs! All are rescues. Honestly, two are up in age, and I thought one was at death's door when I took in a pit mix puppy. Well the old one rebounded! That fall I was diagnosed with cancer. My new pit puppy stayed by my side the whole time! She has the best, goofy personality. She is playful and silly, but would snuggle up with me when I wasn't feeling well. What a comfort she was and still is to me. All my dog babies are special to me!
Sometimes I feel like the rescues on Facebook are too hard on those that have to give up their pets. I think in some ways they do it and possibly omit the reason they were given up so someone will take notice that normally wouldn't and adopt the dog in need.
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hope, if you are in constant pain then your doctors need to give a damn. If the X-ray doesn't show anything, push for an MRI. I've been told an X-ray can see the bones for a break, but as far as muscles, tendons and other things in there... well MRI definitely shows more and perhaps you can get to the bottom of it. I had a problem with my foot and we started with an x-ray which showed nothing, then we did the MRI and that showed that all was well so for me the only other explanation was nerve damage. We did some cortisone and thank goodness the pain finally went away. The whole darn thing was nine months from beginning to end, but my point is that the doctor's tried to figure it out. Don't give up if things are bugging you. As for reading... well, I haven't got that knack back either. I can read tons of short articles and surf around for information on the internet, but as for a novel... forget.
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Jeannie: When that “something” comes up you write about, I believe that “cringe” you speak of is you trying to take care of yourself. As an only daughter with two brothers myself (yes, we could have a longggggg weekend talking, couldn’t we? I almost typed “ lunch”, but replaced it with “weekend” hahaha) ~ I totally know that cringe feeling. I have to remind myself that I am putting my health first and that it is so important to relax when I “turn down an invitation” or “change my mind about assisting with something” or “take my time returning that phone call” or fill in the blank. I firmly believe we can “handle” anything that comes our way, my Lord... Yes...after what we have all experienced! It’s just that I feel our priorities change after treatment, etc . and it takes time to adjust to dealing with the “others” in our lives when issues arise. Like learning to dance a new dance with people you have been dancing with your whole life (maybe a nice relaxing waltz instead of a fox trot).
Have you heard that quote….”tears are not a sign of weakness, but a sign that you’ve been too strong for too long and need to release” or something wonderful like that. Release away.
I am sure you love your parents dearly, but if I just spent several DAYS helping mine pack up and move in late May, I’d be looking at maybe late November/December to visit. I would need quite a while to recharge from that. I just feel we are woven from the same cloth and I hear in your words how much you want/need to care for you right now and I am with you 100% as are the rest of these ladies. It DOES feel good to write down these feelings, doesn’t it? Hang in there….(((love/hug))).
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I believe more and more that when a doctor can't figure out what's wrong with you, they slap a diagnosis of depression on you and give you a prescription for antidepressants. Hello, 34% of women who have been through BC treatment are moderately to severely fatigued five years later. That's not depression, that's side effects.
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i told my Oncologist I was still abnormally tired two years out and he said "its normal" .........same doctir also told me 85% of women get side effects from aromastase inhibitors!
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It can be depressing to be so tired!
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it IS depresing to be so tired!
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cfdr, so true. My PCP is always pushing antidepressants at me when I know I am not clinically depressed. Last time, he put general anxiety disorder in my chart. Don't have that, either! He had cancer. You'd think he'd know better. I have nothing against anti-depressants but I'm not taking anything that could negatively affect my nearly non-existent sex life. We are trying to work on it.
Purl, thanks for your kind words. They mean a lot! I actually have THREE brothers but the oldest was in a car accident 40 years ago and suffered a traumatic brain injury. He lives in a facility just for TBI people. I am his guardian because he lives near me, which is so ironic since he's big bro and we did not get along at all while growing up. I am sure you and I would have LOTS to talk about!
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Okay... so I'm gonna throw this out since it just came to me while reading this morning. For those of you who are still tired and fatigued, have you ever thought of a lose dose of Adderall? I have always been a high energy person so when my energy was zapped, I was definitely starting to go downhill. My husband and daughter are both ADHD and my husband had 10mg pills of Adderall XR on the shelf. Either way, I was pretty desperate and I took half of his pill and it did wonders that day.
I believe a took the pills for a week and then when I saw my doctor I told her how they helped. She said a lot of meds are used off label and if it worked she was more then happy to write me a script. I never had to use them long term, but they did help get me back to feeling like my old self. I still have a new full bottle under my sink if I should ever need it again. Just a thought.
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Thank you Rocky for your post. It helps to hear another opinion. I will mention in the opposite leg they found a bone spur on the ball of my foot. Yes that is uncomfortable, but the dull ache in the other leg bothers me more. I will keep after the doctors.Oh Rocky- btw, Adderall is an excellent suggestion. I was sent to see a specialist to evaluate me a year or two after chemo because I was so afraid I was losing it- my memory was gone. It came back with a Adult ADD diagnosis. What was funny was that I told my breast surgeon and she said, "That is a bunch of shit!" "Do you know what you have been through?" I thought it was funny. But I don't totally disregard the diagnosis as it is in the family. I do have a script, and I take it for the hours I am at work. Half of the time I forget to take the second pill 4 hours later, haha! It isn't 100% for me, but it helps quite a bit!
Jeannie, I feel for you. Do take time out for yourself. I feel very much like you. My Mom is 92, (I am an after 40 baby) and very unhappy. My wonderful 16 year old son has suddenly turned into a jekyll and hyde. We are still recovering financially from the time I was out of work during treatment. SometimesI have all I can do just to find the energy for the day.
Blues, I appreciate your saying you feel alot like I do.
I wish we had "Like" buttons on here, the other replies today were all so good!
Hugs to all!
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i did ask my oncs np, and she said no! i dont think she even told him, but then i saw in the clinic notes from that meeting, that i had asked for stimulants. no. i just really really wanted a nano particle of my former energy. i think i will ask my pcp.
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Good to see familiar faces on here, kathec, bosom, and Jeannie!
I too realized yesterday that I am at the meltdown stage and have way less energy then when I was diagnosed Feb 19, surgery March 18 and then go, go , go, back to work 6 weeks later and not a lot of emotion associated with anything. I felt that since I was stage 1 and no mets per scan and nodes.... I was basically not allowed to have emotion about it all. Well my sister in law is now on hospice and it just hit me what this disease can do. I thought i would get all the cancer out of me and it was on to the next challenge and while that is probably true, I think after all the hustle and bustles quiets down your processing of all of it can begin and then I think maybe some healing on that front. Realizing that I don't know that much about all this and am no expert, it was wonderful to see this board and that what I am feeling is normal.
I wish I could just be a stay at home Mom right now hahahah but my kids are moved out essentially after August and I do carry the insurance for us and I actually am passionate about my job which is helping other people and feels so right for me. That being said, the six weeks off after surgery recovering from DIEP didn't give me the emotional time off I needed. You know what I mean? We are blessed to get to go to the beach in August so that will be wonderful! I am also off some in September for family visiting for two days the rest of the week is just for chillaxin.
Adderal is an interesting idea. Truly, not the first time something has been used off label, getting insurance to pay might be a challenge but good for anyone it helps.
Hang in there everyone, and ps mstrouble, sorry you had to deal with the nasties. I have found Facebook to be great but like everything else in our virtual world, has it's yukky parts too. Don't let it get to you. The written word doesn't ever seem to come out right, and if you were in a nice coffee shop with everyone when you shared your feelings things wouldn't be misunderstood or over-reacted too as much as they are on twitter, Facebook, or even here.
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I have a prescription for low-dose, extended release methylphenidate (ritalin), and it does help. A lot. Problem is it also worsens anxiety...and right now, that's a bigger problem for me. But that could change next week. Always an adventure!
When I do take the ritalin, I find I am better able to sit at my desk and focus and not flitter off doing a dozen other things.
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just need to throw my two cents in. I think anyone who is experiencing crying spells daily after some time has passed since treatment ended would be better off finding a really good psychiatrist who can help with antidepressants.
All if the anti-hormone pills that save so many lives get your estrogen levels down to zero. This can greatly affect moods, especially crying and depression. I know people here have mentioned various anti-depressants such as Wellbutrin one can look into. I know, it's another pill, but we need to have good quality of life!!!
Hugs to everyone,
Peggy
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I was told by my onco that I can only take effexor, celexa or lexapro. The other anti depressants have been found to interfere with the AI's. In the beginning I could not stop crying on the Ai's and I'm not a crier. But it stopped, along with a lot of the pains I had. It must be like going through menopause, the change is the hardest part and the body somehow adjusts. I used to take vacations and that was a bad idea, I developed uterine cancer which is estrogen dependent. No more vacations for me!
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I had not heard that any of the antidepressants interfere with AI's. I have not taken wellbutrin, but that was the next thing I was going to try if the ritalin didn't help or the fatigue didn't abate on its own. My PCP said that lexapro (which I was on for a while) is good for sadness and anxiety, but wellbutrin is better for sadness and fatigue.
I don't really feel sad...I need something for anxiety and fatigue!
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I am doing much better. I think delayed processing is normal and each person has to think through whether they need counseling/psych/meds if it doesn't let up and they have no quality of life and don't enjoy anything any more. Should I get there I will be first in line. I lost my sister in law last night and the trip getting there has been very hard but she is not suffering any longer and I feel I was able to help her. She had uterine cancer a few years back that they assured her was self contained and would not have spread since she had a hysterectomy. Unfortunately "they" were wrong. Between seeing someone in the office with "my kind" of cancer who had mets, and the experience with my sister in law, I have changed so much in the past few weeks.
1. I do not think I am "cured, or healed" but that I have done and will do all in my power to reduce chances of mets or recurrence.
2. Crying is healthy when bad stuff happens. Bottling it up inside did not work well for me.
3. Having Faith does not mean never having Fear, (since I am not perfect) but means that I will not let Fear dominate my every thought.
Not that I have it all together, that is for sure. But it is nice to have a moment where things make sense, my thoughts are based on reality, and I feel like for now the universe is calmer. Going to enjoy it! Hoping you all find and sort things. This stuff isn't for wimps that is for sure.
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Enjoy,
Sorry for your loss of your SIL, I know the feeling of relief, that your loved one is no longer suffering, in pain, and is now at peace.
I certainly do not think I am cured, either. I did my best with the chemo, rads, take the magic pill everyday, and will keep moving. Some days easy, other days, not so much.
Being on this website has taught me that, a whole lot of women, much younger than I, has had a much more difficult time.
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Enjoy, my sympathies to you. You're right, we're all doing the best we can but I don't consider myself cured even after throwing so much at it. I am wearing special socks today that say,"Carpe the f$&k of this diem." I never swore before bc but sometimes now it feels empowering for some reason, like spitting in bc's face. I only utter it here at home, though. It makes me feel feisty even if I'm not.
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I am sorry that I probably sounded so Debbie Downer, but I find looking the "what ifs" in the face was essential for me to move on, and I am finding I feel more free to live the new normal. Thanks Jeannie! I know what you mean about cancer changing you. I do not tolerate things like I used to, as far as I am better able to stand up for myself. The stupid things don't bother me as much, but yet I think we become warriors for sure.
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Enjoyeverymoment - Not Debbie Downer at all. You've been through a lot and the fact that you're finding the 'universe calmer' says a lot about your ability to cope, and move forward in spite of all the sh*t. Nothing down about that. Just the opposite.
This stuff really isn't for wimps. Or maybe it makes warriors out of wimps. I'm sort of a reluctant warrier with wimpy tendecies. Others mistakenly give me credit for being strong but little do they know how a gal is forced to act when she has no choice.
And I'm very sorry to hear about your sister in law. I have no doubt that you were a huge help to her.
Jeannie - I swear like a trucker. I could teach you a thing or too about dropping the f-bomb all over the place. Though - I think you sound pretty good just the way you are. And I don't want Tom to get mad at me.
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