Why was I stronger DURING treatment than I am now?
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Oh, Janet, Tom swears right along with me. It's like a silly game with us. I love "reluctant warrior with wimpy tendencies!"
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I'm right in there with you, trying to be philosophical, grateful, pragmatic two years after ending chemo, 2.5 years since diagnosis. Problems with hips, shoulder, hands. Must say that after going in Lexapro my life got much more balanced again. Wouldn't give it up!
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Bump
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Ii kind of had a different take on strength whe you have no choice but to be strong. It comes from a nurse who first saw me right after my cancer was diagnosed, right after the first biopsy. I was crying and asking even then if this intense emotion was normal (I hadn't had found breastcancer.org yet which saved me from so much self-doubt. ) The nurse assured me it was.
As I was leaving, she asked me if I was going to follow through with treatment. That question astounded me. I said "Are there women who don't follow through?" She told me that she had seen quite a few who put their head in the sand and did not follow through with any kind of treatment. She had seen these women again after they had mets from no treatment.
I realized a while after that I was making a choice to go through treatment. I chose to face reality, I chose not only to start but to complete treatment. I've always found that realizing that I have choices in any major challenge makes me stronger and better able to cope.
Everyone on these boards chose some kind of treatment and so took the first strong step in dealing with this disease. Just my opinion that even if the choice was unconscious, it provided some of the strength to keep on keeping on during this long and difficult journey.
Hugs to all,
Peggy
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How true, Peggy! And fortunately in many cases, it truly is a stage thing that varies as time goes by. Right now I am doing much better with things but I still feel it had to be processed in my own way and in my own time. We truly are strong even when we don't necessarily feel that way.
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Has anyone in this group taken early retirement due to issues after treatment? 2.5 years out, and although my fatigue and chemo brain are vastly improved, the improvement is not linear. I have bad weeks and good weeks, but no "I'm back to working normal 8-hour days" weeks (since Jan. 1, I have managed to work 7+ hours only 10 days). I work for myself and every day is a struggle to sit at my desk even for 4-6 hours and focus on my work (some of which can be quite challenging, cognitively). I had a great vacation that ended last week, but like any other interruption in my schedule, it has thrown everything out of whack again. It seems like the slightest deviation from routine, even a bad night's sleep, messes me up for days. I was OK for most of my vacation (even walked 7 miles one day!) but the most cognitively challenging thing I did was read a novel. And it seems that mental effort is actually more exhausting to me than physical. On the one hand it seems silly to throw in the towel after nearly 3 years of muddling through with even worse symptoms, but I am also exhausted by the struggle, and have lost all my enthusiasm for my business.
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Cfdr - I would love to have an early retirement, but that's not an option for me right now. It's been two years since I finished surgery, and one year since my DIEP, and my energy hasn't bounced back to where it used to be. I can still do everything I used to do but I don't have much stamina, or concentration. And my biggest beef about working is that it sucks up all my time. I don't have the energy for a long day, so it's working, then only couple of hours of evening time (eating, dogwalking) before sleep.
And I get the whole thing about a routine. I've always been anti-routine because I like spontaneity and shaking it up most times. But now I operate so much better if I sleep and wake at the same time every day. And a bad nights sleep wrecks everything. Mind you - I'm never sure how much of it is age, or hormones, or post treatment residue.
I like the way your described your improvement as non-linear. Exactly! People occasionally still ask how I'm doing and I give them my standard response (great, thank you!) but it's stil just a crazy rodeo.
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Janet, Happy belated birthday to the girls :-). Loved your blog post entry! I still have my 36Cs, but they too went on the roller coaster ride of changes. I always liked mine too. I loved the innocent victims line and felt the very same way. I didn't hate them, I wanted to heal them and make them well again.
Mine were bruised, battered and swollen. For a while, one side was a D with the other a B. There was no bra that worked. I hunted constantly. My credit card bill could have made headlines. Buys 3 returns 2, buys 5 returns 4, takes back first one that seemed okay and finally buys 10 camisoles in every color!
I too looked at mine last week and thought, wow, they are looking even and pretty again. Maybe I should let them snuggle into a bra and really look their best. A picture was taken of me and my kids for my son's 16th birthday and damn if the girls didn't look nice. My hair is long and thick again and I could see the "before me" in the picture. I compared the picture to one from July 2011, before surgery and treatment and I hardly look older. I do feel more worn and torn from time to time, but it all seems like a bad dream from the past.
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That is so encouraging, Rockym. I had pretty much given up on ever looking or feeling good again, to be honest. Maybe there's a glimmer of hope after all.
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Rockym - What a great post! You and I were diagnosed within months of each other so I know how three years can feel really long, and really short at the same time. How great that you can look at a picture of yourself and feel so positive.That's so great. I also can relate to your last line 'Lots of wear and tear, but feeling like a bad dream from the past'.
Dare we hope that it's all in the rear view mirror? Hmmm - it's finally starting to feel that way. But I know myself, and I know that I've come out stronger, but that some days I will still fall flat on my ass. There will be meltdowns in my future, but I will always come out the other side.
Bailey has a great quote: On particularly rough days, when I am sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days is 100% so far, and that's pretty good.
Jennie93 - Please don't give up on feeling good. Sometimes we just have to accept the fact that recovery is really f*cking long and hard. A glimmer of hope is a good start.
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janetm
Love Bailey's quote. It sure is a long road to recovery, and I think I am on my ass today!
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Hello friends,
I haven't posted in quite a long time but can assure you I have read the board many, many times so have been able to keep up with how everyone is doing.
The reason I have been gone is because my Mom was quite sick. She was diagnosed with colon cancer in Feb., had surgery in March and never really bounced back at all. The week before last, she became very weak and we found the cancer had spread everywhere. She passed peacefully and without any pain a week ago Saturday and we buried her this past Friday. I am really having a hard time and don't know where to turn but wanted to share with all of you who have been so supportive in the past. I'm feeling devastated and would welcome any help anyone can provide. She was 85 and led an otherwise happy and healthy life but I'm feeling completely lost without her as we were very close.
Rabbit
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Rabbit I am so sorry for your loss, we lost my mother in law 13 years ago to colon cancer, it was so hard. Give yourself time to grieve and slowly work on putting the pieces of your life back together. They say God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but sometimes I think He over estimates my abilities. Take care and once again I'm sorry for your loss.
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Rabbit, words are never adequate but big H U G S xx
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Rabbit, I am so sorry to hear about your mom. Losing a parent takes away a piece of ourselves. My father has been gone almost 10 years and it still hurts that I don't have him to talk to anymore. He was always there for me. My mom is 82 and lives one state over, but sometimes I get scared knowing her time is finishing up. Healing from the loss takes time. We of all people understand loss. Please come here often and let us know you are well.
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{{Rabbit}} ~~ We all know each other because of you. You started this wonderful thread so you know it holds the hearts and love of so many incredible compassionate women. I know I speak for everyone when I say thank you; we join hands in a circle of love around you. I'm so sorry that you don't have your mom to talk to and hug anymore. I lost my mom 38 years ago and just broke down yesterday when someone said I had her humor. She sure raised a wonderful daughter and her spirit shines through you. Take care of you, especially right now and, yes, please do check in with us, your tribe. Love, Purl
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Rabbit, I am so sorry to hear of your Mum`s passing. Purl has written such wonderful words and I know you will get some comfort from them. Meanwhile, I send you some flowers and know I am thinking of you. Gillian xx
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Oh Rabbit, so sorry to hear about your Mom. Doesn't matter how old she was or what she had when it comes to grieving the loss of who she was. Big hugs sent your way.
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Rabbit, my condolences on your loss. Losing a parent is tough.
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Oh Rabbit – I wish I was where you are so I could take your
hands in mine and tell you that it’s going to be okay.Like everything that turns our world upside down, it’s one
small tiny step at a time, and taking it day by day. Like Rocky, I lost my dad
ten years ago and it was a tidal
wave of grief. I don’t know how I got through, but I did. I've never felt more
lost and stranded in my life, and I can only imagine that you feel the same
way, and how difficult it is for
your to be separated from your mom.Just know that the love she had for you is still alive, and
that it is in every breath that you take. And know that she had the motherly privelage
of being there for you over the last three years, when you needed her so much. And,
that she left this earth knowing that your are alive and well and have a whole
lifetime ahead of you, and that you will be there for your small army when they
want you by their side. That is your gift to her.Grieving is never easy. And the the more your love someone the deeper the grief. When you don't know where to turn, you can come here. But sometimes the only thing you can do is sob your brains out and hope the pain goes away. And it will, one day there will be less pain. But the love she has for you will live in you forever.
I'm sending you my deepest sympathy, and all my very very best wishes.
Janet
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Oh Rabbit - I wish I was where you are so I could take your hands in mine and tell you that it's going to be okay.
Like everything that turns our world upside down, it's one small tiny step at a time, and taking it day by day. Like Rocky, I lost my beloved dad ten years ago, and it was a tidal wave of grief. I still don't know how I got through it, but I did. I've never felt more lost and stranded in my life, and I can only image that you feel the same way, and how difficult it is for you to be separated from your mom.
Just know that the love she had for you is still alive, and that it is in every breath that you take. And know that she had the motherly privilege of being there for you over the last three years, when you needed her so much. And, that she left this earth knowing that you are alive and well, and have a whole lifetime ahead of you, and that you will be there for your small army when they want you by their side. That is your gift to her.
Grieving is never easy. And the deeper the love the deeper the grief. When you don't know where to turn, you can always come here. And sometimes the only thing to do is to sob your heart out and hope the pain goes away. And it will. One day the pain of losing your mom will lessen, but the the love she has for you never will - it will live forever.
i am holding your hand and sending you my very very best wishes,
Janet
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.....(((((Rabbit)))))
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As usual, my friends on this board knew exactly what to say, what to do, and how to help. I am so grateful for each and every one of you. I'm feeling a lot like I did when I wrote the initial desperate post on this board and as was the case then (and over the last 3 years), you have all helped me more than you will ever know. You are all such remarkable women and I am privileged to know each of you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Anne-Marie
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Timbuktu,
I have a lot of neuropathy from chemo and my MO said Celexa "might" help that as well as any chemo brain I experience. I may change my current anti-depressant to this. I have delayed neuropathy. Most MOs don't tell you this can happen. So, if you have a choice of antidepressants you might want to try Celexa.
Hugs,
Peggy
PS Rabbit, thanks again for starting and staying on this thread, even in your time of grief.
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Thanks Peggy. Is your neuropathy painful? My feet woke me last night. The pain was maybe an 8 out of 10.
It's my major fear of a sixth infusion.
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Timbuktu,
Neuropathy that is painful is better than numbness. Pain actually means the nerve conductors are in better shape than when there is numbness I wish I had iced my feet, no matter how uncomfortable that would have been. Also another member got acupuncture weekly while she was getting taxol. Wish I had done that too! There's still time for you though.
Hugs,
Peggy
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Whew, it's been a busy month, husband's birthday, sister's birthday, my daughter-n-law (youngest son's wife) has been in the hospital 2x's for dehydration (she's 13 weeks pregnant with their first baby, she's lost 36lbs since she got pregnant) school has started for my oldest son's kids (he's has 3) and mawmaw and pawpaw had to "help" with school supplies (that's getting pretty expensive), 3rd anniversary of cancer diagnosis and 33rd wedding anniversary, now the last 2, are actually the same day, yes I found out on my 30the wedding anniversary I had breast cancer great gift right!! Any way I have a question and I'm not sure exactly where to post so this is for the ladies who had chemo and didn't have a port (maybe you ladies that did might be experiencing this too).......Ok so this is my question I had chemo 4 rounds of taxotere and cytoxan with
NO port, in my left arm. Since then almost everyday or shall I say
night I get this feeling like I have a tourniquet wrapped around my
bicep on my left arm. My cancer was in the right breast, I had a
bilateral mastectomy with immediate NS/SS DIEP flap reconstruction, I
also had one sentiel node removed on the right side as well, on the left side
no nodes removed but I did have a core needle biopsy done on one node,
the node was right by my armpit. Has anyone else experienced this?0 -
No. I just came through 5 rounds of T/C for uterine cancer and they could only use one arm because of my previous mastectomy. I was lucky and had no problems with veins and no pains afterwards. Same with my initial CMF, 8 rounds, for the breast cancer. What I'm experiencing now i terrible neuropathy and fatigue.
I recently asked my onco if the palpitations I'm having are a SE of chemo. She said "ANYTHING can happen from chemo!"
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Timbuktu, did you get uterine cancer after Femara or other AI? Sorry you had to deal with that. Hoping the palpitations get better soon! Wouldn't hurt to have your thyroid checked.
MStrouble, first of all Happy 33rd Anniversary and hope your DIL gets better soon. I had no chemo so cannot address your arm sensation but I am a big fan on telling my oncologist (who makes the big bucks and cares) about any weird symptoms.... Hope it gets straightened out.
Still thinking of you Rabbit, hang in there.
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yes, I got the uterine cancer while on Arrimidex but I have to admit that I'd taken many "vacations" from it because of the joint pain. No more vacations for me!
I just looked up Norco and found out that the codeine in it is a depressant. I've been feeling very down.
It also causes itching. I'm kind of annoyed that all of these side effects are never addressed. Now I'm wondering if I should have had the sixth infusion, it could be the depression that makes me want to give up.
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