I look for other flat chested women. A rant.
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But seriously, I try to hang out on the other threads and I just CAN'T because all they talk about it the "popping," "bursting," and "oozing" of their implants. Makes me MAD. I don't have whatever it takes to even READ about reconstruction. These women are in PAIN.
Wouldn't it be nice if a few more ladies saw us doing our thing and thought, "I'll have what she's having!"
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I'll take that email also. I would love to see them address it on their show.
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Hi there my sister decided not to have reconstruction after a double mastectomy she is very happy with her decision now that i have to make it i am having thoughts weather or not to have it done or just have no boobs and go flat
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(Spoken in my little cartoon voice) "Pick me, pick me" I'll be your runway model for 56 year OLD and FLAT . . . . good fashion would be NICE in my "neck of the woods" since WV doesn't have ANY good fashion stores . . . . no options here.
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I couldnt find and email address for Tim Gunn, so I PM'd his official facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/TimGunn?fref=ts
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happyraccoon- I laughed out loud when I got to your "oozing" comment. It isn't funny. But it is. I too hope that by normalizing non reconstruction and going flat, that more women will want some of this.
momto7-we love the options that going flat and opting out of reconstruction give us. It is a difficult decision. Please take your time, read through this thread, PM any of us and I am sure we will help as we are able.
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Tonight, reading how much some of you enjoy being flat was just what I needed. I spent a couple hours crying tonight because I am majorly dissapointed that my husband is not on board with my decision. He says he understands why I want to remove the second breast, but he just doesn't agree that I should do it unless the doctor says there is cancer. He says I am removing my femininity. The first breast never showed cancer on the mammogram or MRI - the doctors only finally biopsied because I developed Paget's disease which is a secondary breast cancer. So when the doctors tell me the right side doesn't show anything except cysts, there is no comfort in their words. I don't want to spend the rest of my life anxious and focused on my next test. Your experiences give me strength in my decision that maybe I can be flat and still be a woman. That I might be able to feel sexy again one day.
I too have never seen a flattie in my town. I only recently saw a couple of fellow uniboobers because I was at a woman only, breast cancer event. I have an acquaintance who is flat, but she won't go out of the house without her breast forms, and I have never seen her without them.
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P.S. yes MT1 we do need some clothing just for us. I have felt that since my first mastectomy. It is hard to find specialty sources and then they are expensive. There are lots of regular clothes that work just fine, but somebody needs to actually go to the trouble of finding these items and putting them all together in one store. I find you have to try on about a dozen tops to find just one that you feel comfortable in.
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Letter sent to Mr. Gunn. Fingers crossed!!
That's a great idea, Djustme, about a store just for us. I was complimenting a girlfriend of mine on her shirt the other day, and said it would have been perfect for what I'm looking for, myself, and she said she bought it at Target. Cheaper options exist for us, but I personally could do without (1) the hassle of looking through a ton of clothes for the one blouse that might work for me, and (2) seeing a bunch of cute clothes that are no longer options, thereby pissing me off. (pardon my french)
I'm sorry you and your husband are having a difference of opinion. Mine supports me in this, but in the end, it's our bodies. We have to be able to do what we feel is best for ourselves. Since you have "just cysts" in your breast, do you think your doctor may agree with removing it in order to be proactive? Perhaps having a doctor agree would make your husband look at it differently?
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While at work tonight, an old childhood friend came by. She was dx shortly after me and had a lumpectomy. However, her sister was also dx shortly afterwards and decided on dbl mast. When I had talked to her last, she was talking about staying flat. Now I find out that she went ahead with recon. She spent a year getting everything done. And now she has pain, discomfort and lymphedema. She is miserable and regrets her decision.
That is why it is so wonderful to get this message out. We do not need to do this to ourselves to be women. MT you are our fearless leader!
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Oh Djustme, I am so sorry your husband is not on board.
Count me as yet another who had bad stuff in both breasts. I knew about the invasive cancer on the left side, but I didn't know there was anything abnormal on the right until after my pre-op MRI, when they tried to schedule me for a mammo and biopsy. I threw a little fit because I was already up for the BMX and didn't see how another biopsy would change that plan. My surgeon actually agreed, so I didn't have to do it.
I had DCIS, LCIS and a stage III IDC - all in-situ on the right, but not all-clear. None of it was caught by routine mammograms (had a normal one 8 months before my diagnosis). But even before I knew there was anything in the other breast, I just wanted it off. Did not want the shrubbery around my house where the assailant lays in wait, if that makes sense. I am so sorry your husband does not understand the degree of fear. I also think it's sad he thinks your breasts are your "femininity." What would he say if you did have something in that breast and had to have it removed?
These are such personal decisions. My partner has said that at the time she thought I was being drastic when I requested the BMX, but as things panned out I needed it anyway and she pretty quickly came to see that for me it was exactly the right choice. Not only for the cancer, but I also just exited one type of body and entered another. It was a transition, but a transition to something, not just away from something. I think that was easier for me as a BMX than it would have been for me as a UMX. But we are all different and cope differently. I hope he comes to support what you want.
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Outfield, my thinking and experience were similar. Having one would have been harder on me than having none. With the BMX, it was a definitive bye-bye to having boobs. As you say, I am sure this is very individual.
My onc thought I was extreme for wanting the BMX. However, since it turned out that there was a problem on the "good" side as well, he couldn't say that much about it after.
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i havent read all the post, so someone might have said this already, but my daughter sent me last year a link of a photographer who took pictures of women who had mastectomy's. they were absolutely beautiful in the way he did the. black and whites if i can remember and soooo tasteful. if i can get my daughter to find the link i will send it on
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Djustme - I am sorry you are upset. You might like to tell your husband that when I had the prophylactic mastectomy (to balance up because I hated being a uniboober) my breast surgeon and my breast doctor (both female) told me quietly that if they were diagnosed they would do exactly the same thing. My surgeon said "I spend my entire working life day in day out surrounded by women with cancer in their breasts - if I got a diagnosis I would have both breasts removed instantly." That was enough for me. They were both staunchly anti-reconstruction too.
Feminity, femaleness - there IS an important conversation to be had about how being breastless informs your perception of your own sexuality and gender. (Maybe on a new thread?) But I get really irritated by the simple equation of breasts = feminine.
In the grand scheme of things the loss of oestrogen has been of far greater significance to my life than the loss of my tits.
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Djustme.
We are in a new place societally, those of us who opt out of reconstruction and refuse to wear forms are creating a new view of woman after breast cancer treatment. I think that as more women like Margaret W.Smith, Jodi Jaecks and on a smaller scale, myself, put our new images into our visual female lexicon, we will begin to garner acceptance and normalcy from the world at large.
But then there is the individual. I hope that both you and your husband are able to freely explore the emotions as well as the medical aspect of what you feel you want and need. Remember, this is your body and for as much as we love our mates and partners, comfort in our own skin is of tantamount importance. My breast surgeon looked at me after I told her I wanted a bilateral mastectomy, where I would be removing a breast profilacticly, and said, your husband can be fine with your decision but you will need to live with it. This is the bottom line.
There is great pressure in our society to be a certain size and shape. Throw breast cancer and its treatment and decisions into the discussion and life can be quite confusing. Keep coming back until you find clarity, whatever that means for YOU.
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Djusteme: I see so many posts from women who developed cancer in the cancerfree breast. Your decision is a rational one.
Making the decision was the hardest part, followed by the pre-surgery fear. It gets better.
BTW, next time someone suggests that you get breast forms, I would simply say, no thanks. I have my Halloween costume for the year.
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Susan, The photos you describe are at:
http://www.thescarproject.org/
There was also a documentary on the same thing which featured several women from The Scar Project. I have only seen it once on the Style Network. Hopefully it will run again.
Djustme, I am so sorry that your husband has not yet been able to get on board. We are not defined by our girl parts. I know some in my life had to get past the first knee jerk reaction before they eventually came around. As said by so many before, you are the one who has to live in your body and the ultimate decision has to be yours. And also as others have said here and I have seen too many times on this board, the "good" one turned out at biopsy to not be so good.
For what it is worth, the more I have been confident and determined in my decisions the easier it has been for those around me to take their cue from me and get on board, including my docs. If you are wavering and are mousy, the more people will fight you. Doesn't mean to not thoroughly think through every option, every scenario and to consult with others. That is a necessary part of the process and keeps those around you invested with you. Just when you finally come to peace with your decision, be firm. When they have walked with you through the process of the decision, even if their decision would have been different, I found it was easier for them to accept.
Probably didn't hurt when I told my BS that if I woke up and she had taken one and left the other, I had a loaded gun at home, I would use it. Wasn't kidding at the time. Now I just look back and laugh.
Barbara
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Did I mention that when I went on the breast cancer cruise a few years back I was the only one running around the ship without wearing Foobs.The two American surviviors that we dinned with could not believe that I had never even bothered to be fitted for a pair.
I am so glad to see that this is becomming more of an option and we are not being looked at as freaks..Maybe some appearances on these tv shows is just what we need. 0 -
Djustme...I am sorry that your dh isn't in the same place as you. That is hard.
I have one remaining breast and I sometimes consider prophylactically removing it, mainly because I don't want to wear a prosthetic. I don't really want to have the second mx and, for me, I would rather go around half flat, but since work requires me to "pass" I am considering all flat. I have raised the idea with my dh, and he, too, understands why, but would rather I didn't. For him, it is not a loss of femininity, but of the actual sexual enjoyment we BOTH get. I find it difficult to factor in his concerns, because it is MY body. And, he, fortunately, has made it clear that he doesn't at all expect me to factor in his concerns because it is MY body. But, how can I not? It is our sex life together, too.
And here I think is where it all gets so darned complicated. There is a political component here...to not be defined by breasts. There is a personal component here...to assess how we ourselves feel about our own bodies. There is a relationship component here...how our sexuality is impacted. And there is an additional relationship component...how our partners relate to us with respect to the politicial and personal components (do they see us as more than breasts, are they sensitive to our feelings about ourselves).
It is completely reasonable to feel absolutely overwhelmed by this. Your tears are so understandable. I have shed similar tears. I hope that the two of you find your way through it together.
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I had the second breast removed a year later and am much happier flat.Being one sided really bothered me and i hated always worrying about cancer in the healthy one.
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Greenfrog, I find it so interesting that your docs said that. I have heard of other doctors having the same attitude. At the same time, the medical consensus is that it doesn't help to raze the whole rack. I still can't quite understand how not, but I find it more interesting that many doctors privately don't seem to buy it either.
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My understanding from my diagnosis was that I was at much increased risk of BC in the non-cancer breast - that the greatest risk factor for new BC was BC in the other breast. The docs wanted me on Tamoxifen to protect the remaining breast, and I would have been on the every 6 months check-up regiment. Once I did the BMX, that was it. No hormone treatment. I was done. Of course it helps. The docs just push breast preservation.
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When I was scheduled for a single mastectomy I had an MRI that showed something in the opposite breast - this area had also been circled on my mammogram as an area of suspicion. The head radiologist and my oncologist wanted me to have an MRI guided biopsy. I said no I will just have both removed and then I can at least have symmetry. The radiologist said, "if I had cancer in one ball I wouldn't have the other removed too if I didn't know there was cancer there." The female tech in the room took up my cause, "but your pants would still fit." Boy did I love her in that moment. After the head radiologist left the room the younger radiologist told me, "you are doing exactly what I would want my wife to do. I've told her not to part herself out piece by piece - give it your best shot from the beginning.
Which is just to show that there is a great variance in opinion in the medical field too. If something hadn't shown in the MRI I would have been a uni. There was nothing in the opposite breast on final pathology, but the area was small and hadn't been marked so I think it was just missed. I didn't want to go through all the monitoring and watching waiting for it to become something bad enough to be certain about. I think this turned out to my benefit as I had dense, busy breasts and I was ready to be done with them.
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Part of the pressure and the statistic they like to throw out is that survivability is not significantly changed by removing the other breast. Underneath that is they are monitoring you more closely, hopefully catch anything quicker and start treatment immediately. What they like to gloss over is that you are in fact more likely to have BC show up in the other breast than someone who never had BC. Longevity is not the only criteria for me and while there are no guarantees whatsover to be found anywhere, I like my odds better without the ticking time bomb. After one tried to kill me, there wasn't alot of love lost for the other one waiting its turn.
I hope everyone understands and never forgets, especially those who are new to this, that there are no right or wrong answers here, only those that are right or wrong for you. If you poll us you will find out pretty quickly that our feelings and reasons for them are all over the map, even when we may have come to the same conclusion - or not.
Barbara
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I would like to second Barbara's reminder that there are no right or wrong answers. From where I am sitting, I am not even sure there is a right or a wrong answer for me, nevermind for everyone!!! I really like still having my remaining breast and there are a lot of good reasons to have only a umx. I often consider removing it, because there are a lot of good reasons to have a bmx.
This journey is a rough one. Anyone who can get through it feeling they've made the right choice for themselves should be supported and even applauded.
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My onc actually suggested at one point that symmetry is a good idea because I am pretty young (43) and over many years asymmetry can affect my postural balance, causing more back or neck problems. (I already have some.)
On the other hand, surrendering both breasts means I lost important sensory pleasure. Granted, I am only 6 weeks out from the surgery, and much of the sensation may come back. But, hey...it is GONE.
Obviously, I had to weigh these points and all the others you writers of this excellent thread have brought forward. I am very happy with my choice because I escaped radiation and chemo. And mammagrams. And MRIs. And biopsies. And waiting for/counting on reasonable interpretions of scar tissue, etc, found in all of these tests. And future lumpectomies. And bras.
As for my surgeon, my onc, the rad onc who would have treated me, and my husband: they all reiterated many times that I was opting out of breast conservation. They repeated the phrase, "You are a good candidate for breast conservation. I just need to make sure you know you have that option and that we offered it to you."
So I just parroted back that I hear them offering me breast conservation, but that I know for sure that my mind is made up. I even wrote my surgeon a letter for him to open just before the surgery, explaining my rationale IN DETAIL just so in case he had any reservations while I was on the table, that he would know how committed I am to this course of treatment.
This was, for me, the right way to go. My husband is totally in my camp, once I light the fire and put up the tent. It's easier for him the fire is BLAZING, the ropes are taught, and the stakes are driven deep into the earth.
Ultimately, it was prayer that brought me to my decision. Right or wrong. It'll all work out.
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CLC, yes it truly is a very individual decision. The sexual benefits of my breasts had already become pretty much a hit and miss thing due to nerve damage from previous biopsies and hormonal shifts. If they had still been much of a source of sexual pleasure and it didn't seem that something was starting up in the other breast I probably would have kept the one.
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What I neglect to mention often in these discussions was that my situation was so extreme and the size so massive that a UMX was never a serious consideration for anyone, doctors included. My actual realistic options were lumpectomy with radiation, lumpectomy with massive reductions on both sides with radiation (read that as a dozen hours on the table and several days in the hospital), or BMX 3-4 hrs on the table, 1 day in the hospital, no radiation and out. Throw in lupus, heart attack/stroke waiting to happen, living alone with no support system, and no spouse to consider and this one decision became one of the easier ones.
As you each face your options, it is highly likely that your situation looks alot different than mine did and therefore how you arrive at your answer will also likely be totally different.
Barbara
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Momine - My surgeon said "We have to offer all treatment options and provide the latest statistical data but we can't really instruct people what to do for the best. But if you were my sister I would tell you to remove them both." This was after I had made the decision to have the other breast removed so she was supporting rather than influencing my choice.
My cancer appeared directly under the scar of a previous "benign" lumpectomy. So eventhough the medics were obligated to mention the "no statistical advantage in having mastectomy over lumpectomy" thing I didn't want to hear it. If they had removed my entire breast the first time round I would never have gone on to develop breast cancer.
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I wouldn't want to second guess anyone's decision. I just know for me, I am of the anxious type, and the watching would drive me nuts. I had widespread DCIS on the right side. I really like the fact that my chances of ever getting BC are down to 1 - 2 percent now. It is really the personal level of stress that I thought I could stand.
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