I look for other flat chested women. A rant.
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Sue, good to meet you and welcome.
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Outfield - even though I had been small breasted, I also felt naked (exposed) going to work after my first mx, like I forgot to put on a bra. Frapp, you are right not to run out and spend money on new clothes right away. When I had my first mx I spent so much money on new bras and clothes that I was sure I had to have in order to be able to appear normal at work. Within about 6 months I had stopped wearing most of the new clothes and gone back to wearing some of my regular clothes and bought yet more clothes as I gradually learned what I felt comfortable in and what I didn't. Mostly it was about necklines - which ones I didn't have to worry about someone looking down and how I could alter existing clothes so that people couldn't see down my tops. I could have saved myself alot of money if I had waited. I knew I didn't want to have recon from the begining, but I needed the information on breastfree.org and this forum in order to feel 'normal' about my choice. I think being small breasted to start with, there is less change in my appearance than with some of you. That doesn't mean that I didn't mourn the loss of my breast, or have to endure dumb comments like 'gee - now you can get whatever size you want'. People just don't understand what we have already been through; what is involved in getting new perky boobs; how many things could go wrong; and that staying flat is an option!
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I visited my previous employment today. Guess who grilled me concerning no reconstruction? The social worker! U would think she would have known better......and then I wonder why I felt it necessary to explain my reasons!
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Sue, that's really heartening to hear that you've come through all that wound horror well enough to be active and doing so much.
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Beatmom, I am sorry, but that cracked me up. The social worker, huh? She probably thought she would "help" by "working through your choices" with you
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What I don't understand is why other people think they have a right to voice an opinion about our chests! I understand that people have opinions, I just don't know why people think they have the right to an uninvited expression of them. I think it is as rude as asking an acquaintance or stranger how large her chest is, and suggesting that she should have a breast reduction, or telling a small busted women that she really needs to go get implants, or at least a padded bra; or asking a woman what she weighs and telling her she needs to go on a diet. It's your body, and unless you ask someone their opinion, they should keep it to themselves.
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On another topic, Starak, I realize from your story about being a crazy homeless looking woman with big shirts (you have a way with words, lol) that you went about your business very early after surgery, but also that you had to, as you are on your own. I have been going stir crazy because my wound doesn't want to heal (I think I mentioned I sprunk another leak 3 days ago between the original stitches and the newer ones). I'm afraid to do anything to make it worse. And because I know that the more I do, the more my husband will expect me to do. He has had to take over walking the dogs because one big yank from those little guys and my stitches will be split for sure. But other than that, the only other thing he does for me is go to the store, and only if I tell him what to get. As soon as I start driving, that will be it. It's times like these that I wonder what other husbands were like during recovery time. Am I expecting too much? or are all men like this?
Edited to add: My dh is a hard worker and I realize he is tired like everyone else, it would just be wonderful to know one time in my life what it is like to have someone truly take care of me (other than on my deathbed, that is).
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My dh is good as gold, but pretty lame in the care-taking department. His idea of helping with the dishes is to insist that I hire a maid to do it. His idea of fixing me dinner is to insist that I go out to eat with him.
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My husband's "care taking" skills are so-so. He's 77 and of a generation that had little to do with childcare and household chores. Our sons are a lot more competent in both those areas. I raised them with the skills to care for themselves so they wouldn't HAVE TO get married when they left home. Plus, they're of a generation where dads are involved in childcare. Either one of them would outshine their father in care taking, but I'm grateful for the things that my husband does do. Also, that he makes no complaints about my not being up to taking the usual care of him and our home ... that he expresses concern about my "over doing it." He's a very nice person and I feel lucky to have been married to him going on 50 years.
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Djustme, It is exactly your complications that I feared most if I had gone with recon. Why being so self reliant and working so hard to preserve it is critical to me. My Yorkie girls are wonderful nurses but worthless at cooking, driving, or wound care.
My sister-in-law was here 10 days which saved my life but after that had wound care, re-bandaging and wrapping with one hand (other broken) entirely on my own, along with all self care and care of girls. And I really had no major complications.
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Hi Ladies, I have enjoyed this thread immensely - thank you so much for sharing! I had my bmx with no reconstruction on 11/29/12, and so far I have been pretty lucky as far as those who know making comments one way or the other. Either way, I don't really care. I can't drive yet because my drains are still in, but the few times I have gone out I haven't worried too much about being flat or not. As far as I'm concerned, my chest is nobody's business but my own. I'm so glad to have this surgery out of the way and to be able to move on now.
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If you don't mind being rude, there are some good comebacks for those rude questions. "When are you planning to lose weight?" "When you have BC you can choose what you want, I've chosen what I want." And for a man: "Are you planning to get a penile implant?" If you don't want to be rude, "I was raised not to ask personal questions about people's appearance."
Ok, so these are TOO snarky to actually say. Maybe saying them in your head will help.
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Granellie, your husband looks a lot younger than 77. I hear you on the boys, and you did well to teach them. My mother did the same for my brothers. It ended up getting my brother married anyway, because his then future wife was bowled over by his cooking skills, lol. My BIL once told me that his son (then a toddler) would not have to learn any of those things because he was a BOY. I asked my BIL if he planned to pay for a maid to go with his son to college. My nephew ended up learning.
Wren, I have been faced a few times with men who are all twisted up about how I must be all destroyed mentally by losing my boobs. I have told a few of them that they must be projecting and equating my boobs with their testicles. That seems to shut them up.
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Chewy, welcome!
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Wren - love the snarky comments. I've never had anyone comment or make recommendations. I'm single and only talked things over with my sisters (both RN's). I made the final decision on my own and then just announced my decision to family. Maybe my personality doesn't invite opinions
. I have been flat and free since mid-September and am ready to donate my bras. I just really don't care if people look at my flat chest and I don't care what they think. I think I am a bit proud of that people can look at me and know I survived a rugged road.I don't know - I suppose there is a lot of psychology behind everything but I like my flat chest. I can only hope I can think of a quick comeback if anyone expresses their opinion
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Wren, I like snarky!!! And yes, I usually am more snarky in my head than out loud, but oh so tempting.... but I don't want to have to add that to Sunday morning confessions... which is the worse sin, thinking it or saying it??? LOL.
No one has actually said anything to me about my appearance when I am flat. I did discuss the recon ideas with my youngest sister who was a plastic surgery nurse for many years, and she was completely supportive of me NOT reconstructing. I think she enjoyed the trauma reconstructions but not the cosmetic ones. She did not try to persuade me, just supported me, then later told me how relieved she was that I had chosen no recon. My other sister is a wonder with a sewing machine and tried initially to help make some pockets for me for prostheses, and they worked, but they are hot, a lot of bother, irritate my hypersensitive arm (just cannot find a bra with an armhole cut low enough not to irritate the front and back of the axilla), and I don't really care much anymore how I look, I just wish I would quit hurting.
Hoping you are all relatively stress-free right now!0 -
A couple of things. Spent Fri & Sat shopping, mostly window shopping. Anyway wearing fun interesting Xmas tees and interesting handmade red and green earrings. Was stopped and told many times how much they loved the tee or the earrings. Doubt the flat was noticed but if it was it was not a negative or disturbing.
Okay may have done it now... My yorkies are on twitter and tweeted Koo Stark and Linda Ellerbee about leading the way for the#Flat&Fabulous. Do the girls and I need to crawl in a hole? Hehehe0 -
Morning all,
Momnie - love your comment to men - filing it away in my brain for use at a date when needed!
Chewy - welcome
I had my umx in February and met with my surgeon on friday for follow up on my yearly mammogram. Major teaching hospital in Boston and they could not transfer the mammogram results to my surgeon before I saw her - computers not functioning! I will hear from her on Monday if there is an issue - but as I told her - not taking her calls. During my exam she asked if I was interested in reconstruction, thank you no, no elective surgery for me, did I want reduction? Hmm I am not that large but I guess maybe to even everything out, no going to pass on that as well. Very low key no pressure, and said if it were her, she would be making the same choices. That all our physicians were this sensitive to our wishes. Don't have to see her for another year. YEAH.
Be well. Have a gentle day
Nel
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Welcome Chewy!!!! I don't know why I didn't think to tell you about this thread. You girls are exactly what I needed this morning - you are all so funny! At least we get to express those thoughts here.
On the topic of dh taking care of me, you are right, the next generation should thereoretically be better prepared to take care of their partners during illness, males having been raised to at least take care of themselves if not actually someone else. My son is wonderfully sensitive and caring, and can take of himself. He is the one that took me to the hospital for the operation, and took care of me in the day time the first 2 days.
My two little doggies are shi tzu's, so they are a little bigger and stronger than yorkies, but still small. The little girl is very stubborn and when she sees a squirrel or another animal she pulls for all she's worth.
Went grocery shopping with my dh yesterday to keep the cabin fever at bay. I am supposed to go to a birthday party for his mom this afternoon, but am not looking forward to that. I love my mother-in-law, but the rest of the family - not so much. I am sure to get at least one unsolicited opinion on what I should do with my chest. Oh well, I'll be thinking about wren's comebacks (at least in my head, lol).
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I'm getting very used to being flat. The foobs I purchased at Target are still in the box. The one thing I'm still not happy about is the appearance of my naked chest. It never occurred to me before the dbl mastectomy to check out if a plastic surgeon could've closed me up after surgery and I've not seen that suggested anywhere that I've been online. Is that a feasible solution to more likely getting an aesthetically pleasing result?
I do understand, and accept, that it takes about a year for all the lumps, bumps, bags, tags, and dimples to settle out. Is that tight band feeling across my chest scar tissue? Also, I have what feels like contractions from under one armpit across the front to the other one... especially at the end of the day. Anyone else have this sensation?
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I have come here to report that I saw another flat-chested woman today. Nobody else seemed to notice and to tell you the truth I don't think I would have before.
Granellie, I'm over six years out and I still get some tightness. The weird thing is it seems to be the worst when I have to sit in a car for an extended period. I am able to stretch and massage it out but it continues to return. I've seen others here remark that they went for physical therapy and the tightness went away so you probably should ask your doctor about that. I haven't had the issue with contractions under the armpit.
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My BS said she would try to get the incision as smooth as possible and look as good as possible, and she did imo, its still a scar but as scars go Im pleased. I get a tightness right now, and when I do I do the exercises that I was given to do after surgery . I am doing them several times a day and Im finding that the tightness is getting better slowly.
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Granellie, I'm over 2 years out from surgery and 12/29 will be my 2 year annivesary for finishing all treatment. I still get tight across my chest if I'm inactive for very long. Getting moving truly has been the best thing for it. I think swimming, which I haven't done for the past 6 months, was very important in getting over some sort of hump. After I swam twice a week for a while, I really started to feel much better in general. I'd feel immediately better after the swim, but generally better all the time, too. I didn't lose those gains when I stopped swimming. Really, it's been a time and temperature thing. Swimming takes more time than other types of exercise, and I can't stand, really cannot stand, to be cold, which I often am. Getting into a pool is always a temperature trauma.
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Hi, I've got a uni masectomy and had an awful yr of failed recon. I'm having a prophylactic msx in feb, and I just wanted to connect with other women.
I had a question, could you get. Away with wearing thick padded bras when flat?
Do they work.
I'm just interested how other ladies go about dressing. I'm pretty young, and just hoping that being flat isn't going to bother me too much.0 -
I can't remember exactly when I first swam after my BMX. Probably about a month after. I had an uneventful recovery though. The first time I swam, I only did 1 lap. Worried that I was doing more harm than good. The next time I swam several laps. Showing up flat in competive style swimwear wasn't as bad as expected. Both men & women at the pool conversed with me as before. Nobody payed any attention to my altered appearance. Swimming really helped me get my arms going again & helped me extend them in a functional way. But I know what OUtfield means by be intolerant of cold. I do the temperature tantrum thing also. I only swim if the sun is out & the air temp isn't too cold. Forunately I live in a mild climate.
A friend of mine, in her early 30's, use to be an oncology RN. Her mom was diagnosed around the same time I was. Her mom had a UMX. My friend told me how "proud" she was of her mother for chosing not to reconstruct. I wonder if her mom knows this? For the most part, everyone's been supportive or me or kept their mouth shut.
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granellie - I'll be 3 years out from MX in April. I have spasms across my chest and under the arm frequently, lots of tightness, stretching helps some, but does nothing for the spasms, which I do get more often when I'm tired. Stretching often feels like I'm ripping tissue apart. YUCK!
Lately I've had a lot of burning sensation in my underarm - anyone have that?
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redninrah...I would think that the padded bra might work on some women. However, the problem is that there is no longer anything to keep the bra from moving around, and your foobs will end up in some awkward positions.
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Granellie, The tight band feeling lessened more and more over time and mostly disappeared at least most of the time.
As to a PS to close for the MX. Perhaps I am too cynical but here is my sense of things. There is the widest possible divide between the skill and care of BS. The really good ones do a remarkable job. At the far other end of the spectrum, I wonder how these people still have licenses and are not sitting in jail. And then there is a wide range in the middle. Complicating things is if a skin sparing was done which intentionally leaves extra skin in anticipation of a later recon. Good if you actually recon, not so much if you don't. Then there are the PS intervening. And here the cynical really rears its ugly head. Seems most PS are really not interested in participating in anything that is not full on recon so finding one to assist in closing could be extremely difficult and I might guess would not be approved by insurance.
As completely annoying and aggravating as it is, you can pursue "recon", just the part necessary to clean up the original surgery. As said above finding a PS willing to do it may be difficult and they need to submit it properly to insurance in order to have it approved. Difficult yes but likely not impossible. Perhaps the original BS could make a referral and set it up for you if that becomes what you decide you want to do.
I wish I had better answers.
Barbara
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Hi redninrah,
I've heard from some women who use a padded bra and nothing else and my physical therapist (who works exclusively with women who have had breast cancer) has told me of a couple of her patients who do that. No problem with the bra riding up in those cases. I would guess that it works for some women and not others. I've tried on a couple of padded bras, but don't like the way they look (you can kind of push them in, as the padded part doesn't fill up the entire bra space). I prefer unweighted foam forms in an unstructured bra or camisole, either with pockets or without, for a comfortable solution. In some bras, the forms ride up, but in others they're fine. For me, it's been a matter of trial and error. The best bras I ever found were cotton Maidenform bralettes with regular hook closures and adjustable straps, which I wear with small foam forms, either weighted or unweighted. For me, they work much better than the Genie or Ahh bras, which come up too high under the arms for me. Unfortunately, Maidenform discontinued the style several years ago, but there are lots of options out there. It can be fun to be creative about finding what works, but sometimes very frustrating.
Starak,
I agree with you that breast surgeons seem to be so variable in their skill (and in the effort they make to give a cosmetically good result). I'm a bit cynical on two counts--whether the PS would want to be "bothered" with a case that didn't involve recon and also whether it would ruffle the BS's feathers that I didn't trust him or her to do an adequate job. Given that I'm putting my life in the hands of the BS, I wouldn't want him or her annoyed with me. I know, sort of paranoid, but I would still worry about that.
In my actual case, it didn't even occur to me to request a PS. I simply asked my BS (head of the breast care center at a Harvard teaching hospital) to do the best cosmetic job possible--no excess skin and symmetrical scars. She did a great job, fortunately. I also asked her, in pre-op, who was doing the cutting. I wanted to make sure she didn't hand off the job to a resident (a risk in teaching hospitals). I understand that residents need to learn, but I didn't want to be someone's first case. She promised me that she would be doing the surgery.
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Erica, you were smart. The scar on my cancer side is beautifully neat and even. The one on the prophylactic side is jagged and I am almost certain my surgeon let his troll-like idiot of a resident practice on the "good" side. In fact, I plan to ask him next time.
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