I look for other flat chested women. A rant.
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I think the discussion of feeling/looking feminine is interesting.
CrystalPM, because we are in a formative period, it is easy to get knocked off game. And searching for images of other women on a similar journey can serve to confuse as much as it helps. Glad you are getting your footing back.
Momine, you look great.
Welcome Myrah, love the top, love your day one verve.
Fern, I am 43 and have been with my Man for 20 years, married for 18.
As I grow my hair out, I have been feeling poorly about myself. I loved my short haircut. I don't know that I have ever loved a cut more. I felt feminine in it and I loved the androgynous aspect of it. Now I can just about see my bangs, I feel sloppy and think I look mousey. My post cancer hair is thin, with some bald spots. It is like I have baby hair. It is not the hair I think of, when I think of my hair. I don't like my bald spot. I need to find a way to befriend my hair, it is what I have got.
I tried switching the part in my hair, I have always had a left side part, and it looks and feels wonky. But if I can get used to it, I won't have to see my bald spot. I have a haircut in mind, but it will be quite a few months before I can have it. It requires the hair in the back to be shoulder length. It is really hard to imagine what this thin baby hair will do!
And in the meantime, I would like to feel better about how I look.0 -
MT, I finished chemo 2 years ago, had short hair in 3 months, not what I liked either. Still don't love it. It has come surprisingly thick, but it took a while. I had wavy unmanageable hair before chemo, and it is even worse now. My wig looked better! So what I have done is take that catalog from TLC with all the wigs in it to my hair dresser, looked through the various styles, picked out the one I WANT to look like, and she said yes, we can do this, but it means using product and a flat iron. Didn't want to do that initially - I have always been a wash-and-wear kind of gal, and I do look pretty darn good with short&sassy, but am not feeling that way these days. Now that I am on leave from work, I decided to maybe put a little time in on my looks, so we went back to the drawing board, found a style to grow into. It is still short to mid-length and will take a little fussing over, and will take at least a year to get to, but I am feeling happier about my hair now than I did 2 years ago or even 2 months ago. The key to getting the hair to grow into the style you want is to make sure your hair dresser actually has a picture of it so he/she can help keep it trimmed nicely as it grows out. Hang in there - this too, will change....
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Great pics Momine and Maryah.
Mel - my hair came back like pubes. Curly and wiry. 18 months later it reverted to normal. Give it time - it needs to heal too.
I have really found considerable comfort lately in considering myself to be a flat-chested rather than a breastless woman. The distinction is subtle but it has boosted my confidence. I am no longer anxious about covering or disguising my chest.
It has been well over a year, maybe more, since I last attempted to wear prostheses. Apart from the pain they caused they damaged my confidence. If I bend forward and people see my scars I really don't give a damn - but I used to panic terribly at the thought of people seeing a glimpse of prosthesis. It all fed into my insecurity about being very tall and people thinking I am some kind of transvestite.
Maryah I have to agree - so many of these female celebs do look like drag queens to me. Cartoon parodies of what women really are.
Tig is my new heroine BTW. What a brilliant, funny woman.
For all of those recovering from surgery I hope all is going very well and I hope everyone else is feeling good too. A happy christmas to you all from England.
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I felt I had more intimacy issues with my husband after the first mx than the second. I think mostly because when I still had one breast he still wanted to see my chest and touch it and I didn't want him to. I think I mentioned before, that it was seeing the remaining breast that made me think 'cancer' rather than seeing the mx scar - the breast had become a bad thing in my mind. Despite the hematoma complications of my second mx, I feel so much more comfortable in my own skin now and therefore I am not uncomfortable about my husband seeing my chest anymore. I still have a lot of pain in my chest, shoulder, arm, but by switching sides of the bed I can cuddle with him now. I have no idea if it's true, but he likes the idea, so I have more or less convinced my dh that it's kind of like people's ears becoming more sensitive when they lose their sight - that the bottom half will become more sensitive due to the loss of sensation from breasts. The idea helped him to regain desire for me by putting a positive spin on it.
I too have been debating about the hair issue - I have had short hair all of my life because my hair does not grow at the temples and doing anything different with it would require hair products and work. Luckily my dh doesn't care what I do with my hair, but I have been toying with the idea that maybe I should put in the effort it would take to have my hair a little longer. I doubt I will though. MT1 I wish your dh could understand that liking your own hair is as important as liking your own body. As for looking too boyish, I think I would rather go to the trouble of adding little touches of feminine accessories like scarves, ear-rings, and painted nails, than being a slave to my hair in the morning (I am not a morning person). I have been spending my sick leave time making small adjustments to necklines so that I will feel comfortable in my clothes and not have to think about them at work. I am a law clerk and often have to bend over desks when signing papers or pointing something out to a client.
I have decided against foobs but for anyone interested in sewing foobs or altering bras or camis- I came across a website this morning that I had bookmarked last year and then completely forgot about - I think it's called mastectomysolutions.com
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Djustme, I think that is so sweet what you told your husband.
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Momine - GREAT PIC. I love your style and yes, you definitely look female. Spunky and female.
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They had a photo of the new Miss Universe, who is from Rhode Island, in the paper. DH looked and said she looks exactly like a Barbie doll. And he was right!
I have a friend with A- boobs. She came over wearing a ruffly scarf and it looked great. They don't work with big boobs.
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MT1. I cant recall asking your age..etc. I hope I didn't offend with my inquiry (that I can't remember.) I am 56 and have been around my hubby for ~23 years, married for 19. He is 11 years older than I. I felt younger than my years before DMX and chemotherapy. I feel/look VERY old now - in my opinion.
I want to feel confident, feminine, AND comfortable.
I appreciate ALL of everyone's honest struggle through our mutual life changing BC. Thanks for all your words.0 -
I am scheduled for a bmx on 12/27 and have decided against reconstruction. I am very large chested now with being a 38 G to I depending on the bra and I know this is going to sound weird but I am starting to look forward to not having to wear a bra. I have indentations in my shoulders from the things. I have spoken with my bs and ps and they both agree with my decision. My family and colleagues understand also as do most of my friends. I have one friend that says I have to have the reconstruction which I am not going to do. I am really glad to have found this forum.
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Welcome blackcat! Good luck and best wishes with your surgery.
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Maryah, great photo. You rock!
Blackcat, wishing you the best with your surgery.
May the new year bring us all peace and happiness in our journey.
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There is good news Black Cat. Those indentations will disappear!
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I had my 38 DD's removed on 11/2/12 and couldn't be happier. I feel like I look slimmer, I can wear cotton button down shirts and the weight, oh I feel so much lighter. I stand straight again,
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Fern and MT, that was me that asked that personal age question.... didn't mean to get all that personal, but sometimes age DOES make a difference in where we are and how we view ourselves. Although I don't think it really matters how long any of us have been in a relationship before MX - it takes a toll on all of them, regardless of how long we have been together. If it was solid before, most of us can weather it out. If it was weak before, this can be a make-or-break thing. But none of us remain unaffected. Just taking each moment at a time here myself, grateful for a break in the weather, and DH is taking me out for lunch in a few minutes.
Blessings to all of you today.0 -
This is an interesting topic.. I have been a sporty jockish type female, was a competive runner so always was very small breasted and would have what would be called a boyish figure. Worked on weights for many years and gave myself a more curvy figure that was muscle but still very much an athletic body.
Here is the thing.. all my life I felt like I had to defend myself in terms of feminity..mainly from other women.. so for many many years I felt like must be manish not femine etc etc. Long story short I eventually came to a point where i stopped caring about what other people thought of me and labelled me and embraced what I consider to my feminity.. I dont care if it doesnt fit into what society deems feminine . I am a woman, I have given birth, breast fed, and more importantly in my heart. boobs or lack of them do not make us less feminine imo, yes it changes the landscape, but it doesnt change who we are and if someone cant handle us being flat then to hell with them...after many years of tears and pain because I bought into societies standards .. I love my body irregardless of anything that changes with it.
Think about society changes what is acceptable.. Marilyn Monroe was a size 12, the model we see now are barely a 4 and they nearly always have breast implants.
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Rdrunner ~ well said!
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Rdrunner, well said, and maybe the same reason why it hasn't been that difficult for me (although I can't claim to be athletic). I did live in Hollywood for a while, home of the boob job, with an A-cup.
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Rrunner - well said.
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Went for my first run since the surgery..... even with the existing boob being small what I difference.. once the other boob goes, its going to feel amazing running without sports bra I suspect. Anyway just happy to be back at it a month after surgery, I tried two weeks ago and did not feel great but today felt like I could have run a lot further and faster, didnt though just took it easy and savoured it.
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This is a weird question so I thought, what better place to ask than here! Now that I have no breasts, do the same rules of modesty apply? On the day after surgery when I was bleeding through my stitches, my 23 year old son was the one who was home with me. It got me wondering if it was ok to ask him to help me change my blood soaked PJ top. The home care nurse showed up before I could decide, so I didn't have to ask him. Two weeks later, a friend came over to help me for a couple days, and I asked if she would mind helping me wash my hair since I was still banned from the shower due to stitches that didn't want to heal. When I had breasts, I probably wouldn't have just whipped off my top to kneel by the tub - but since I now don't have any, I didn't see why not. Any thoughts on this topic.
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my kids are teenagers, one boy one girl and they asked to see the incision etc after my surgery.. I showed them. the boob or lack of boob is just a body part imo.. I think the key is comfort level, if both you and your son were comfortable with it then there is nothing wrong with it imo.
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Djustme ~ Agree with Rdrunner. What is your level of comfort and comfort level of the other person? My three year old grandson has had 2 open heart surgeries and is going for his 3rd sometime this spring. He love lifting up my shirt and looking at my "zipper" and comparing it to his. He thinks his zipper is better because it goes up-down, like on sweatshirts, but mine goes side-to-side and "Nana, real zippers don't do that!"
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Maryah that is just too cute!
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Post mastectomy, I have no modesty. I have gotten used to whipping off my shirt so someone can examine my chest and so my lymphedema therapist can work on my chest. I dress and undress at the gym. I am comfortable. One thought I have is without breasts there are no sexual undertones to being naked in front of someone.
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Maryah, very sweet. I'm sorry you've had to deal with breast cancer but - making lemonade our of lemons - how wonderful that your grandson can have such good feelings about his scars because of you.
My grandkids have all seen my scars and they just seem to find my chest interesting. I don't go topless in front of anybody other than DH but in a family situation I don't worry a lot so I'm sure that my sons-in-law have also caught site of my scars at one time or another and nobody seems to have been traumatized. I do find that I will streak from the bathroom into the bedroom with the bedroom blinds open, just throwing an arm up across my chest now. I wouldn't have done that when I had breasts. An arm wouldn't have covered enough before but now it's just right.
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I posted this under singles without reocnstruction, but no response. i am 58 and will be divorced within the next year after a 2 year separation, having nothing to to do with BC. I have been comfortable all along with my decision for no reconstruction and have never defined my self by the size of my breasts( they were small , LOL) So the dating thing just seems insurmountable. I know when the right guy comes along all will be Ok etc, I guess I just can't believe anyone would ever see me or want me sexually again.
Others insights, thoughts. I am begining to think that when I am really OK with all, it will all make more sense to me and will fall into place.
Thanks
Nel
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Nel, I am not single so my imput really won't be helpful. But your thinking does make sense to me. Even those of us who have been married for a long time have the same insecurities when it comes to our sexuality after bmx. However, like us here (as well as others women who are suddenly single) I believe that you will find your feet and it will happen for you.
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Nel: A man of quality will adjust and be attracted to you as a person.
I always believed that the brain is the most important sex organ, by the way.
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Checking back in after my surgery a week ago. I had my bilateral implant reconstruction, deconstructed. I have to say, I feel more pure than I have felt since this whole process started for me in 2010. I am healing well, drains are out but I am getting a bit of fluid on my left side. Nothing to be concerned about yet...I have not been out and about that much without a winter jacket or sweater on so I have not really figured out what works and what doesn't.
This concept of feeling feminine is an interesting topic. I have always had an athletic build and I happen to think that is sexy and feminine even without breasts. I am young (under 40) no children and will probably never be able to have children but I do not feel any less of a woman. This disease has taken so much away from me but I finally feel like I am taking something back with this choice. I actually feel more empowered and inspired to get my body in even better shape for bike racing this 2013 season.
I do not plan on wearing any breast forms, for now. I know I will get stares but I always felt like people stared with the fake breasts just as much. When I was bald, I hated wearing a wig because I felt more insecure hiding my baldness. I am not saying I want to walk around as some sort of breast cancer billboard but I am going to do my best to hold my head high and not be ashamed of it or let society make me feel less of myself. My bf has loved on my body before, during and post surgeries. I am lucky he is so supportive. I am only a week out and it is winter here in NY so I am sure I will have moments of "this sucks" but for now, just trying to ride this out. Embrace my new body in it's purest.
Long winded today, so thanks for reading. Merry Christmas!
Rebecca
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well said Rebecca, I think the whole concept of femininity is very interesting and it means different things to different people. IMHO. we should not put something/anything in a box and label it, especially something that it so personal and dynamic. Happy Holidays everyone!
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