I look for other flat chested women. A rant.
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Rebecca - I'm glad you're feeling some power with your decision. I wouldn't wear prosthesis, except on special occasions if I wasn't so lop-sided - and I couldn't do the wig thing, that seemed like the wig really wasn't me - didn't look like my hair and it was soooooo uncomfortable, I wore scarves and hats, and nothing at home.
Wish you quick healing and a blessed Christmas and holiday season!
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Merry Christmas to all you helpful ladies. I am battling internal mental battles disconnected from the obvious SE's of BC. Hopefully I will "get over" and push back the negativity in my thoughts and just BE. I wish for purpose and for positivity to reign in my life. My WARM thoughts go to all you who are along for this BC ride. Happy Christmas.
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Fern ~ What ever your internal mental battles, you have an army of women behind you helping you push back. Warm thoughts and hugs to you.
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Happy holidays all. Sending gifts of warm thoughts and support.
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Merry Christmas, may your day be filled with love, laughter and good friends (family).
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Rebecca - I understand what you mean about feeling fake with forms. I too was small butsted before and was always annoyed by manufacturers assuming that all small breasted women wanted padded bras. I could not wear a padded bra without feeling fake and I similarly cannot wear forms without feeeling fake. It great that it makes some women more comfortable to wear them, but I just can't do it. I would feel the same way about implants.
Nel - being comfortable with yourself will make you just as attractive as before. I think that being self conscious about your chest, will make it an issue with other people, but if you are able to lose the self consciouness, most people either won't notice or they won't pay more than a passing notice that it's flat. A man who has similar interests as you, will get to know you first for who you are, and be attracted to you because of it. At least all of the jerks who pick a date based on their cleavage will be already weeded out.
Maryrah - I love the zipper comparison and that it helped your grandson feel more comfortable, that is a lot for a little guy to go through. I wish him well in his upcoming surgery.
Thanks to those who responded about modesty - Sometimes I feel like I want to show close family members the scars , to help them understand better. I am extremely close to my son (I only have one child), and have sometimes felt it is weird to be having a conversation with my son about my chest, but I think the last two years have maybe given him (and my dh) a new perspective on the lack of importance breasts are to a woman's personality and worth. A good lesson for a 23 year old male (or any male), but obviously I wish that our family never had to go down this road.
Merry Christmas everyone may God bless you and heal you physically and emotionally from anything that is currently weighing on your mind.
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Rebecca - Waving wildly with a broad smile! Yes, feeling "pure" again is exactly how I felt after deconstructing. It was like coming home to my body and the ability to reside inside it with confidence, comfort, and a sense of freedom. Those implants, not only did they cause me two years of nightmare pain, but they felt and looked so unnatural. Glad to hear you are doing well and adapting to your new shape. I have embraced my flatness and don't wear forms. It takes a while to learn what works on your body and what makes you feel attractive or feminine, but it comes with time. Best wishes for a speedy recovery.
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Photo from the last few days. Looks as if Koo Stark has gone to recon or forms at least for certain times.
http://cache.daylife.com/imageserve/05trguCdaz46w/x350.jpg
Of the public figures who have been posted here, I really like her aesthetic. Natural and ultra feminine without being prissy. Soooo jealous of the hair. I have the genetics that make people wonder if we would be bald to about the age of 3 and always thin, ultra fine and fragile. Oh well, no purpose to worry about what is missing. Moving on.
Hope everyone had a Merry Christmas.
First, I am fine so not to worry but the under 5% hit again. Really, who within just a few hours has an old seroma (2½ yrs BMX/14 mos from revision) fill up again and try to grow into a new breast from infection. No new surgery or anything invasive. Who gets this stuff? Fortunately took my own advice and showed up at the MO office when they opened, started on antibiotics and am on the mend. Verdict by all is no concern of cancer though on that side and not LE.
Ultrasound is scheduled and will see BS in overabundance of caution.
Barbara
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Starak: Hope everything is ok.
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Alexandria, The infection part seems to have resolved with no more heat or redness and from a AA boob size to a tiny fraction of that. Looking good but still religiously finishing out the full course of antibiotics. Thank you God that MO staff worked me in immediately and started the antibiotics immediately. Considering how fast it was worsening and how much worse it was 6 hours later before there was a chance for the antibiotics to kick in, I think we dodged a bullet. Only possible "source" of bacterial infection was questionable food from office party where several people got sick. Very odd to me. I seem to be a poster child for the 1-5% weird stuff.
Please do not worry, I am and will be fine.
Barbara
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Barbara, I'm really sorry you had to deal with such a scary situation and very glad you immediately saw your MO. Hope the healing continues. Seems odd that tainted food would cause a cellulitis-type infection. But the main thing is that you're better.
Regarding sharing/showing others my chest, I've never done that, other than DH, who saw it the first day (even before me) and has never had an issue with it. He still thinks I'm cute (after forty years of marriage!). My two sons, who were in their twenties when I had my bilateral mastectomy, were totally fine with the idea of mastectomy without reconstruction. Like my DH, they just wanted me healthy. But, while I've never had a problem going flat around them, I've also never considered showing them my bare chest. Growing up, it was clear they didn't want to see their mom's breasts, and I'm virtually certain they don't want to see their mom's chest now. If it happened inadvertently I don't think it would be a big deal at all, but I've always tried to take my cues from them and they've seemed to prefer modestly from their mother.
I'm not modest in general or in any way ashamed of my chest, though, so if a friend asked I would gladly show her (not sure about a him), but none ever has.
Barbara
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I agree with many - I wouldn't be shy about showing my chest, but have not done so to many. My mom asked post-surgery about 6 weeks, and then again in December when she visited. She's the only "nosey-nancy" so far.
I am back to work after 4 days off where I did NOT wear forms or wig MOST of the time (nor contact lenses for that matter). I am uncomfortable -- AGAIN -- working with the "most comfortable" option bra with foobs. I purchased a few more tops last week with a gift certificate - a bit more suited to going flat. I have to get some crocheted vests in basic colors, and/or scarves so that I can just quit being uncomfortable! My hair (3 months since chemo ended) is "almost" ready to be o.k. My kids said yesterday that I looked like Annie Lenox . . . don't know if that is good or bad. (tee hee) . . .
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Erica (Barbara) - I seriously doubt it was tainted food either. That was simply the only possible thing I could come up with. Nothing else or injury to explain it. From talking to MO and nurses, seems to be just one of those things that sometimes happens. Again a rare event but not unheard of.
This was the location of a seroma from the original surgery.
Barbara
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There was some discussion that sometimes with seroma that when it dries up the pocket flattens but is not actually gone. For whatever reason at some later date it can refill. That is the presumption of what happened in this case as it is in the same location as the seroma from 2½ yrs ago that took minimally 9 mos to resolve on its own. The BS and I decided to not syringe it off at the time for the very reason of not wanting to risk introducing an infection. Though it felt like forever it did eventually dry up. This is sitting in the location of that seroma and backs up exactly to the perpendicular scar from The Mutant removal on that side. The Mutant removal scar seemed to stop and prevent the swelling from progressing any further towards the breastbone so it spread the other directions. If refilling the seroma and becoming infected is what happened which from my perspective seems to be the most logical, it went from totally flat and fine to swollen and painful in a meer few hours. Again no bumps, bruises, cuts, scrapes, abrasions, needle sticks or anything. I guess I think of cellulitis as direct skin involvement and this was deeper and below the skin so may not have been cellulitis at all? Perhaps the ultrasound will tell us more.
Barbara
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I show my chest to whoever wants to see it. I do not hide when I am in a locker room, I get dressed as I normally would if I had breasts. I was not modest in this way before and I am not modest about my chest now.
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I am not at all afraid to show my chest to another woman. I am never in locker rooms but when I was considering swimming, I did plan to "hide out" in a stall to dress, not for other women, but because children frequent the pool. I am not personally bothered but think perhaps a small child seeing a perfect stranger might cross a line, particularly if a child might be in the dressing area without a parent or under adult supervision. But then you never know. I have frequently seen children handle things better than the adults.
Barbara
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Barbara, I hope the ultrasound will help you understand why the same area filled up and became infected. I had a small seroma that took six months to mostly drain but there was a tiny pocket of fluid that didn't drain for three years. That was three years ago. For a long time I worried that any disturbance of the area would bring the fluid back. So far, so good, but your experience makes me think my concern wasn't irrational.
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When I took swimming for physical therapy last year, I also felt that I should cover up when there were other people's children present, but I think I would have done that when I had breasts as well. Although, the kids would probably handle it better than some adults.
I still have a fluid pocket the full length of the scar and another just beside the underarm. It's the same place/pocket that the hematoma created, but a lot smaller. I don't know if it is blood or seroma. I was only able to start the basic after surgery exercises about 4 days ago, because I had to make sure I wasn't going to spring a leak through any of the stitched sites. I still have scabs on my scar from previous leaks. I'm still a little afraid to do the exercises because I have heard that shoulder exercises following surgery can increase the chance of seroma. I will see the bs on the 7th and will probably ask for 2 more weeks off work, due to the delay in healing caused by the hematoma. I think the bs will suggest leaving the remaining fluid to reabsorb, considering that he has already re-opened part of the incision to drain it on one visit and then drained the hematoma by syringe on another visit. At least it's not as big as a boob anymore, and its not red and black anymore. I am really surprised that your seroma could return that long after surgery. I hope once my swelling is gone it will be gone for good.
I am kinda glad Christmas is over, because it exhausted me to the point of feeling nauseous each day, and I didn't even have to cook. By the end of day 2 of dinners I had a migraine which lasted all of Christmas day. I had to keep excusing myself to go and lay down with an icepack (this dinner was at my place and my husband cooked it all). I'm glad I was feeling ok most of Christmas Eve day when my son was here, so I got to enjoy my visit with him. I showed him a couple of my work outfits. My son says they look good even with the flat chest, and the most important thing is for me to be comfortable - that's my sweetheart of a son.
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My dh gave me the Breast Stories book for Christmas. A lot of women in it did have recon...some good, some not so good. The book was passed around the room and everyone gave it a good look. Even my one son who absolutely does not want to see my chest.
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I couldn't remember what the Breast Stories book was about so I googled it. It is the one that includes beautiful photos of women following mastectomy. It is good to support this sort of book so people get an idea of what women go through, and so that women know there is life and beauty after mastectomy.
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barbara, my thoughts are with you, please keep us posted. I seriously do not think it could be something you ate. This had to be a small pocket that your body somehow encapsulated...I have once heard of this in an intestine...
Well, I took a huge stand this Christmas, I did not wear forms for the family Christmas dinner, and don't you know it, during a quiet moment an uncle asks me why I did not get reconstruction.
Since I have explained the real reasons before (I am hospital phobic and I can't possibly have breasts not since the old ones tried to kill me) I told him I didn't think my husband would want reconstructed breasts, that they are not really very sexy. And he understood this!! Crazy men, huh?
but I felt good about me, I wore a scoop neck pullover then a triangle scarf backwards so the point came down over my chest, with fringe. in some ways I think the look screamed "look at my fancy chest" but finally...finally....finally I felt good about me.
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Yay crystalpalm! Good for you. I was just going to wear a flat sweater, but chickened out because I knew from my first mx that my father-in-law would comment about the fact that the government will cover a portion of the cost of silicone breast forms. So I compromised and wore a thin scarf wrapped around my neck a couple times, with the ends hanging down the front. He has a big booming voice and I could just envision the whole family turning to look at me. In that situation it should be him that is embarrassed, not me, but people who do these things don't know enough to be embarrassed. Male chauvinists plus alcohol is not a good place to start out completely flat. I didn't feel at all that way with my own family and their significant others. Partly because I had already told my sisters of my decision, and also because my family doesn't drink at family gatherings.
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I think scarves and vests are great ways to start being flat in public. I used to wear them too. After awhile it just felt so normal to be flat that I stopped covering it.
Baby steps.
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Baby steps... thanks. That rings true to me. I can be with family flat, but not the office. That makes no logical sense... so I will be taking baby steps towards comfort and mental health.
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I wear scarves to cover up the crookedness that sometimes occurs with prosthesis and real breast - can't wait for PMX, so I'll at least be a little even.
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I wore big baggie tee shirts and sweaters for the first few months, but have progressed to wearing form fitting tees without giving it a second - or even a first - thought.
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I have a vision of what I'd do if a family member started in on me at the dinner table. It would probably involve stripping shirt off, giving it a twirl around and draping it around said family member's head.
That's just me though.
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Hi ladies,
I would just like to thank all of you! I have worn all my normal clothes without a thought and I feel great! Still a little sore from my surgery 3 weeks ago, but so happy I decided no recon.
I start Chemo Jan 11th the journeys continues..
Hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas!
Carla
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nibbana - - I LOVE IT - this will be my reaction exactly!
carlads - you are very brave . . . I had 4 rounds of taxotere and cytoxan, started July 31, ended Oct 2 - - so I'm 13 weeks out from the LAST round and doing just fine - except for the hair, I am "normal" - - I hope that your chemo goes smoothly . . . feel free to ask about ANY side effects, etc . . . or PM me . . . since I have been through that recently. NOTE: I have read in other threads here that the COLD CAP actually does save hair - my oncologist didn't suggest it or offer it - BUT, if that is a possibility for you, maybe you could try it - - just saying . . .
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nibanna - your post made me laugh! now I'll have that picture in my mind every time I see my father-in-law!
In Canada we have what are called Boxing Day sales the day after Christmas. It is a one day holiday but a week long sale. A lot of half price specials on clothes so I went out and tried on tons of different styles that I may have never tried. This is what I learned: I need non-seamed coloured undershirts instead of camisoles, because camisoles are too low in the neck and bother my underarm scars; For my frame (50 year old 5 foot 2 inches and 131 pounds) a very small amount of gathering at the neck is better than lots of gathers (lots of gathers enphasis the empty chest); that going down a size is often better than going up a size (same reason) - as long as the top just skims the stomach instead of being tight around the belly; love stripes - especially of different sizes or colours on one top; love small polka dots of different sizes or small prints that contain more than one colour or size. I bought mostly short sleeved printed tops in colours that would co-ordinate with cardigans and blazers that I already have, so I can wear them through more than one season of the year. I definately look flat, but nothing is tight on chest, and everything is comfortable. New Year's resolution - No more shopping for clothes! - (til spring?)
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