Lets do a Sh*t People say to Metastatic BC Patients
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My mom keeps asking me how many more cycles of chemo I have left. I don't remember how many times I've told her "as long as I'm alive."
Someone asked me how I was doing and I finally got tired of saying, "good" so I said I was terminal. She replied that she was too. I asked what was wrong, was she sick. Her respnse was, "Nope, we are all going to die someday."
You are strong and feisty enough to beat this thing.
Look on the bright side, at least your not that congress woman in AZ who got shot.0 -
My own Aunt has contacted me twice since my diagnosis and sent a "Get Well Soon" e-card. Not even a real snail mail card. I've heard nothing since last year. Funny since she used to claim to love me so very much.
Learnin - I'd say it's time to dump that friend. If people start lining up for my stuff while I'm alive, I think they should be shown the door.
How about: "You're still tired?|
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I haven't had too many stupid things said to me, mainly because I try to avoid people. lol I have had the usual comments like most of you have, but a new one was when my neighbor found out about my mbc and asked me if I'd tried homeopathics. Sigh!
I've also had a good friend comment that it must be hard for me knowing I'm going to leave my children without a mother. Ya, think? Some kind people are totally lacking in sensitivity.
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"But you look really good"
"If you need anything let me know" (they never are available)
"Oh I know what you mean I have back pain too"
"Oh my mother in law died of that.....it was horrible"
"You know Suzanne Sommers cured her self....you should read her book"
"You just need to do some yoga"
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"You'll be fine! Look at Lance Armstrong, they had given him his walking papers!"....my sister.
"Everyone is wondering why you're not getting thin."..... one of my girlfriends
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Why can't you take care of things like you used to?
It's pretty frustrating you don't remember anything anymore, we just talked about this yesterday.
Why can't you just get up in the morning? It's not that hard, just get up!
I don't think that doctor knows what he's talking about, are you sure he's right?
And the doctor, just prior to diagnosis...I think maybe you're just a little depressed.
And another doctor, recently...well, if you're stage IV I won't worry about this new lump then.
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Wow...all the things I have heard - pick a few...
Of course the "You look great" Wigs and makeup do wonders is my reply.
"When do you stop treatment?" Duh, never if I want to stay alive
"Oh, you are going to be just fine" This isn't the flu folks!
The best on was my ex-husband who had not finished buying me out for the house from the divorce and I pretty much demanded payment as back in 1999, you had to pay the plastic surgeon up front as 'reconstruction' was considered a 'vaniety' item not like today where it covered by insurance as a part of the breast cancer surgery so he says:
"You don't have cancer and aren't going through chemo, you haven't lost your hair. It's just another one of your schemes to get money from me" To which I grabbed him and walked him to a private place, pulled up my shirt and asked him "Do you think this is something I wanted to do to myself?" And said that not all chemo causes hair loss - I had elected CMF. I wonder what he would think now with mets, chemo that did take all my hair and all the wild and crazy side effects we have to deal with...do I have cancer now? He did see me 2 years ago with no more big boobs and a very slow abling gait - while my son has seen me with no hair (matched his Marine hairdo), the ex hasn't yet. It should be interesting...LOL
On a positive comment I recieved at my reunion party "They are coming up with all sorts of new treatment and new discoveries all the time - hopefully, if your present treatment stops working, there will be one available that is better and we will get to have you around for a long time" That was a sincere and knowlegable comment from a real friend - even though I hadn't seen or spoken to her in over 10 years. Much better than any of those have been around me since the mets dx.
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"Will you PLEASE check this out on YouTube? I know you are busy getting ready to leave today ... but
take a few minutes ... I am ALL about Natural treatments for illness and disease..." (followed by link to YouTube video abut alkaline diet or some combination of maple syrup and baking soda being "the cure" - from my sister who has never once called me or done anything to help through all of my treatments0 -
The stories that I am hearing are pretty crazy my uncle who I always looked up to and I would think we are pretty close since we are not far apart in age told me. What do you think all the Meds they are pumping into will save you no it is only prolonging your life. That really hurt and not to mention stuck in my head. I keep playing it over and over again.
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"Hey you never know how your life will turn out. Look at me, I thought by now I would have a wife and kids, a better house, more savings, I mean I'm not trying to compare but you know what I'm sayin'". Haha one of my best friends, poor guy. Yeah thank God I have cancer instead being single with a small house and medium income. Oh wait, that is my life exactly! The difference is I like that life but he is not satisfied with it.
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"I know exactly what you are going through since it could happen to me "(said by lower stage woman)
"You'll be fine, look at Lance Armstrong"
"Hey, my relative is stage IV, it spread to a lymph node. That was ten years ago and she's fine today!"
"They have great treatments now, you'll be fine."
(I think we alll hate the "you'll be fine" comments, or the "I know what it's like" comments, because it completely dismisses our reality. We won't be fine and no, you do not know what it's like to have a terminal diagnosis unless you have one.)
Fitz, would love the see the video when you are done!
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A friend of mine thought he might have testicular cancer. The doctors and nurses kept telling him that it's the same thing Lance had. He replied, "I'm glad you think so highly of me, but I'm not in as good of shape as him.
I watched this friend cry and tell me he didn't want to die. Less than a week later I was stage IV and it turned out he didn't have cancer.0 -
When I told a friend about the diagnosis in an e-mail, she said she was so sorry and "I'll be running for you, too, at the Race for the Cure next month."
I said, "You don't have to run for me. Just come visit me some day."
Didn't hear from her for 6 months.
But what bothers me most is when I complain to a friend or sibling about what someone has said to me that I think was insensitive or ridiculous (like, "I hear citrus is good on tumors," as if I'm going to open my belly and rub a lemon half on my liver"), and my friend's or sibling's response is, "But they mean well," or, "They have good intentions." My anger surges and I say, "No, if they meant well, they would have paused for a minute to consider why I might find their comment or unsolicited advice useful or comforting." Does that response, "They mean well," irk anyone else?
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It so very much does Surly! I know they mean well, but their comment was still stupid!
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My dear hubby said just last week-"Why do you need a bone scan? They cut out the cancer when you had your boobs cut off, why would there be cancer in your bones?" Me-???What? Where have you been this past year and a half? My cancer was inoperable, it can spread!
Then there is the scene from The Big C that I just love. Susan Sarandon is telling Laura that she had caused her own cancer because she is so negative, then Susan steps off the curb and gets hit by a bus! OK, I have a sick sense of humor!
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"When are yo done with chemo?" The kicker is this was asked by a nurse who was overseeing my recovery from a liver biopsy who knew I was stage IV.
"What did you do to get to stage IV?" - asked by an idiot.
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I just love this one: "How can it be breast cancer if it's in your bones? Isn't it bone cancer?"
"Gee, I just read about stage 4...it's pretty scary...do you have a will?" (my clueless brother)
A co-worker on finding out about another worker who has stage 4 ovarian cancer: "Yes, but she has REAL stage 4 cancer! She is going to lose her hair and everything!" (what, my breast cancer is fake?!)
"You must not have a serious case of cancer because you come to work every day."
(After being off for the summer and coming back for a new school year): "What, you're still here? I thought you would have...you know, died by now. I guess it's not serious, then, huh?"
And then there's my idiot new principal, when he asked me what I was planning to do for the summer. I shrugged and said, "I have surgery scheduled to remove a tumor, but other than that I'm planning on just relaxing." He responded, "Ew, I don't want to hear about surgery. That's gross."0 -
All priceless!!!!
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I think most have been said already here but my mother continues to insist 'It's all in your attitude - if you have the right attitude you can beat it'. She has just had an operation for colon cancer and has been advised to have a course of chemo, just in case. I will have to do a lot of tongue-biting to restrain myself from giving her her own advice. I could never say that to anyone.
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I think I'm more insensitive than some people are to me----I'm certainly meaning not to offend anyone now but for some reason this line upsets me so so much.
U'r not given more than u can handle-----my answer is Then why do peoplecommit suicide.?
I know that's very disrespevtful what I say but I don't believe in gee let's give it to so and so cuz she can handle it, but not this one cuz she can't.
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Hoo boy -
- I've been told I got cancer because of unconfessed sin in my life,
- ...because I stick straight pins into my bodice when sewing,
- ...because I hold my emotions in,
- ...because I am too extroverted in expressing my emotions,
- ...because I eat meat,
- ...because I am demon-possessed (It's not a demon - it's a disease!)
- ... ... ...
Like others, I've been told that it must not be that serious because I haven't died yet. A young man (whose mother survived BC and so he should know better!) told me that I was lucky I had a "friendly little cancer".Because I am generally calm and make a lot of jokes I've been told I must not really have very bad pain. (Hello, people! It's a defense mechanism!)I've been told that I'm not really that fatigued, I just need to make an effort not to be so lazy.Whew! Thanks for the chance to spit those out!
Claire0 -
At least you have the "good cancer" Breast cancer is treatments are always improving! This may be true,but I think we all would rather not have cancer at all!
You look so good, your beating it! "NO, I do what I have to do to survive! I don't complain to my co-workers! I save that for my poor DH! I'm pretty sure he gets the outcome but yet continues to provide hope and future goals for me..such a blessing!
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Oh I forgot one...
My PCP, when giving me my first diagnosis of IDC, said, "at least it's not DCIS"! Hello, what medical school did she attend?
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Huh. I was told to eat asparagus because it cured cancer. Unlike my Diet Coke which apparently caused it. I was also told to keep onions in my house so I wouldn't get sick.
"I had strep last week I know just how aweful you feel on chemo."
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There's a consistent thread through this thread: people just do not know what "Stage IV," "metastatic," or "advanced cancer" mean. And, if they have a clue, many pretend they do not--in an misguided effort to make you feel better!
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Their biggest misconnecption is we will always be here!
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Baking soda, in a large glass bowl in an east facing window. I scored a beautiful glass bowl and enough baking soda to meet all of my cleaning, deodorizing needs for the rest of my lifetime. ;|
My sister in law told me I had too much pent up angst about my eldest daughter and her spiralling substance abuse and THAT was why I developed BC. I needed to let it go....
Oh, she, my SIL, gave me the bowl and the baking soda.
She also gave me the gift of cleaning out my perennial beds in the spring of my diagnosis, going for walks, talking, laughing. Not all craziness.0 -
Well I'm still waiting for a bus to hit some of my friends....lol...just kidding...
"because you never know what's going to happen tomorrow. Anyone can walk outside their house and get hit by a bus."
Like that's suppose to be the same and make me feel "lucky"...lol0 -
this is kind of an awful little story.
I was an organist for my choir and church for many years. The head guitar player founded the group and always wanted her son to play the organ. Occasionally, he was allowed to.. he was pretty darn bad. So I was in the hallway one evening and i heard her say to her son.."Don't worry, she'll be dead soon enough'. I tiptoed the other way and never let them know I heard them talking. Now her husband and his father is dying of bladder cancer. I didn't think to myself 'just you wait - you'll see what it is like someday'. If there was ever a time for feeling snarky that was it.
i feel really sorry for the dad/husband.. he is in tons of pain and practically totally debilitated... he is delightful, very nice man . We had an excellent talk the other nite.
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Wow.
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