Lets do a Sh*t People say to Metastatic BC Patients
Comments
-
what do you say to someone who tells you to try some ridiculous herb or diet, etc?
0 -
I am a Christian and I certainly do not believe that cancer is a "blessing." We live in a fallen world with sin and sickness a part of that. All cancer does is steal, kill and destroy.
However, the Bible says that, if we put our faith in Him, God can bring good things out of the bad. And He also promises to never leave us or forsake us. That is what I hold on to as I live, and most likely die, with this wicked disease.
0 -
Bhd1 I had one of my elderly neighbors actually buy me some kind of miracle herb for like 200 dollars and this guy had absolutely no money. I was touched but didnt want him to pay for something I wasn't going to take! So I told him I had to check with my oncologist just in case and then told him she said there would be some kind of interaction..it was a lie but better than hurting his feelings.
I've also told people I have a lot of allergies to be careful with, which is true.0 -
That was very kind, Dutchie. I had a similiar situation where the coworker of a sibling (someone I have never met) bought me two gallons of special ionized (maybe de ionized water). It is sold in grocery stores, so I am glad the person did not spend a lot of money.
I was sincerely moved (altho I doubt the water does anything). I wrote a thank you note--and am I truly grateful for the thought. The water is now part of my disaster preparedness kit...I figure in a pinch I could drink it....
0 -
bhd1--well since I am sarcastic (I can't help it) to those who have suggested diets and odd stuff---I have said Oh yes I was on that for years, they suspect that's what caused my cancer, most people don't know anyway. I know I'm cruel but what can I say.
Holdonto hope---that's beautiful that u find so much comfort in u'r beliefs-that is a blessing for u.
0 -
My mom, the Plastic Surgery and Gambling addict, when I told her of my upcoming surgery, said..."Oh, that's easy. You'll be up and about in a day or two."
REALLY? Not all of us are "into" getting our bodies sliced open. UGH. Before cancer, I had never been in a hospital overnight, hated needles, etc...
So, I said, "If thinking surgery is easy makes you feel better, so be it."
I don't consider getting a body part cut off (and all that entails: hospital stay/drains/blood and goop, recovery etc...), "easy" by any definition of the word.
Then, not even two hours later, she calls me back, crying, asking for alot of $$ because she just lost her rent at the casino.
Again....REALLY??? You are going to call your daughter with the terminal illness that is trying to make financial arrangements so my hub and I can live on disability and you're going to call me and plead me to take a cash advance on a credit card because you gambled your money away? I was so upset. I still don't know whether I am sad, angry or feeling guilty for saying no (for the second time, no less).
I just keep thinking of the show, Intervention. She is no different than the herion/meth/alcohol addicts on that show. Somehow it is my fault (and my brothers' who also refused to give her money but did tell her she can always go live with him if things are desperate...he has the room) that she blew her money and still expects to "keep up with the Jones". Maybe she should have thought about the future when she was blowing her wad on Mediterranean Cruises, jewelry, cosmetic surgeries, trips to St. John and....gambling.
Sorry...this is my second rant of the week. Sheesh.
At least it is Friday.0 -
1. What is your prognosis? (denotes poor outcome)
2. Are you in remission? (no one knows if it is truly gone)
3. How is your disease progressing? (denotes worsening)
4. How arrre you? (don't treat me special because I have cancer, treat me like a normal person)
5. Are you cured? (no one knows for sure)
6. When do you have to go to the doctor again, scan... (let the patient bring this up)
7. You should ( insert unsolicted advice) (give up sugar, eat asparagus, get a second, third, opinion, go to this hospital, blah blah)
8. You are so lucky (really don't even go there)
9. You are so tough (no one is ever prepared for this battle)
10. Pray for a miracle! (see no. 1)
11. You are going to be just fine (see no. 5)
12. You lost your eyebrows, eyelashes, your hair will come in curly blah blah (hair loss stinks, bald is not beautiful when you lose it because of cancer treatment).
13. Just be strong and have a positive attitude (impossible to maintain and will that mean I will die if I don't have one?)
14. No one knows how long we have I could get hit by a bus today. (this is the ultimate worst!! please don't trivialize my experience and fear of death)I think this summarises a lot of it.
0 -
I only have one leg and now one boob and don't wear any prosthetics.
I was stopped by a stranger at a grocery store and told "I just know you have breast cancer, is that right?" I said nope... I was riding a motor cycle and I layed it down on the right side...took half my body off. (it was none of her damn business!)
I'm told often that if I'm not having chemo and rads that I must not have bc anymore...what?!
It's a miracle!!! I've been healed!
I try very hard not to be too hostile with the stupid and careless comments, and when I say that I want to make my "necessary arrangements" before I can't do it on my own... I'm told that I'm "just being dramatic and still look fine".
cin
0 -
Superfoob U have u'r hands full--I don't know howI'd feel if it were me--I was so lucky to have the parents I had but I miss them so especially now, it's funny cuz now I want them to make my decisions and my dad to make me drink wine (it builds up 'r blood)LOLI can't imagine having a dependant parent like that but as is said it is an illness--I don't know about it, but I feel bad that u have to feel the stress of it. It's on u and has to be hard to say no---and u must feel every feeling cuz I think I would.
Fitz u hit the nail on the head--in fun terms.
Cindy u'r so dramatic LOL--how could people ask u those things--whatever u say back is so apprpriate--say what u want u'r allowed.
0 -
Superfoob, I can relate since addiction runs rampant in my family too. Drunnks and gamblers....the only one who needs money is my brother, who has totally ignored me since the day of my dx, so I haven't had to say no to him.
0 -
Thanks y'all.
She called and apologized. Of course, only after I found out that her brother gave her the money. I'm quite sure that if he hadn't, she would still be angry and on the defensive.
Luckily, my brother and I are on the same page about how to deal with her.
I keep hoping this is the last time she asks~wishful thinking.
It is difficult.It's nice to have this place, and you guys, to "get it out."
0 -
I think you both ought to be on the same page of NOT giving her anything. Let her face what she's done. Why bail her out when she's only going to do it again?
Just my opinion but I wouldn't do it.
0 -
camillegal, ha, ha, I totally love your response.....really puts people in their place!
btw, my 1st name is Camille......for awhile I read your name as camille legal, thinking maybe you were a lawyer, but in typing it I see that it can also read Camille Gal. And sometimes I see your posts and for half a second, think they're mine. lol
0 -
I read the name Camillegal as Cam Illegal. I love the ambiguity.
0 -
CB: My Brother and I are on the same page about NOT giving her money. It was HER brother (my uncle) that gave her money.
Fortunately, my uncle and my brother spoke with each other (after he had already said he would give her money) and my uncle said that she didn't mention anything about gambling and, had he known, he wouldn't have helped her. Now he knows.
0 -
OMG the divine Mrs. m---u'r name is Camille--I haven't met many in my life--I was not being original when I started I took my first name and 1/2 of my last name--never thought of being clever only when pressed to a wall LOL
surly I wish I was a lawyer or at least have the pleasure of having been illegal at one time or another--I'm so boring I could nhave been a lawyer, OK if anyone.s a lawyer I apologize---but half of my family are attorneys or judges and when u'r debating them on an issue--oh whoa I win in my own head--cuz I nod off while they are talking their side.
0 -
Hi, I'm new to the forum but really enjoyed this discussion! My mom has stage IV and we often find ourselves struggling with the right thing to say. So far, gossiping about the treatment, her doctors and nurses seems to work because that is a lot of her life now. Or sometimes I say- I'm here, whatever happens, I'll be here. I have also said a lot of things that in retrospect were quite stupid!
Totally recommend a book deal- maybe you guys can e- publish via Amazon? And they can promote it electronically.0 -
Camillegal, when I was growing up I was the only Camille that I knew for years. Now I hear it more often. Have also seen it spelled with a K. I was supposed to be born in April and be named Rebecca. Instead, I came along in May, so my mother named me after a flower (from camelia). Not sure how she came to select that particular flower. And Surly, you are right, the different interpretations are interesting!
0 -
1. Do you think it's caused by X (insert something stupid here)?
2. I just know it's going to get better and your mum will get the all clear for good!
3. I knew someone who had breast cancer and then they got better but their husband died.
and my personal un-favourite...
4. I think that cancer is caused by stress.
I obviously have been entirely too many idiotic people in my life to have this list! lol
0 -
A friend of mine just told me she had ovarian cancer. I thought about this thread and freaked. I don't know what to say anymore. I guess I said the only thing you could, "I'm sorry."
0 -
Oh Spamgirl u r so right--I have no idea what to say I can't say what I really think--OMG u r in for it--that really wrong and I have said I'm sorry and I think I hope she wasn't looking for support from me---we should know what to say and Nothing comes to mind except the goofy stuff so I say very little. Probably the best thing to do.
0 -
The Soap Opera continues:
My mother emailed to my brother and I a self-serving "I'm embarrassed" email that I found offensive for many reasons, not the least of which was this statement:
"I am very thankful that I am healthy, I can only imagine and have seen first hand how scary it is to have Cancer."
So, you would think she was referring to me, her 45 year terminally ill daughter, right?
NOT!!!
She was referring to her 70 year old Jackhole of a husband that HAD (not has) Prostrate Cancer. This is a man that she knows I dislike intensly.I emailed her back, telling her that I found her email offensive and self-serving. That her personal issues have become to much for me to bear and that her manic behavior is affecting my health. I also said that, once her life is in a more stable place, then we can resume our relationship but until then, I cannot continue to cry and stress over her problems. I finished with, I hope you can appreciate my point of view and that, either way, this is how it has to be.
You would think this would make her take a deep breath and think about what she is doing, not only to me but to herself.
Again....NOT!!!I get an email back stating, "Obviously, I took it the wrong way." She said she will continue to call me and, if I want, I can hang up on her." She wants to "be involved in my life forever. Not cause me stress." And then a bunch of other c*ap I'm too irritated to write about.
Yeah, because having her call just so I can hang up on her isn't stressful at all.
Why, oh why, must we always have to console others and make their lives okay.
She will never ever get it....which I didn't really expect. All I want is for her to obey my wishes. Well I guess that's not ever gonna happen either.
And thank you...to y'all....for giving me this place of support to get all of this hurt, anger and frustration out of my soul.0 -
Wow superfoob, I can't even give any advice here, because I can't imagine being in a situation like that with my own Mom. I do know some of us have it easy with our parents, and some don't. Well u have problems and only u can fix them--but I don't know how.
0 -
My mother's name is Camille and its my middle name...Michelle Camille. Now that's a mouthful. Remember when you had to enter your name by filling in the little blanks for the letters of your name...mine never all fit! We moved my mom to a new assisted living facility yesterday (she has dementia) and they put her at a table with seven other women. They were all "oohing and ahhing" over her name. It was so cute!
0 -
SuperFoob, I totally relate. My Mom has completely whacked out and it isn't about me. It's just too crazy to even go into, but I find myself yielding to her whims much more often than I should. This IS my mortality. I agree, why do I have to do all the catering to her needs.blech
0 -
Ditto on the mom front. I guess the clincher for me was when she called to tell me that Costco had a great sale on blueberries and she had so many that she baked two pies- here I thought (silly me!) that she was going to say she was stopping by with one for me (we lived 6 houses away) but she said she was putting the second one in the freezer to save. REALLY?
0 -
My mother commented to me about the ten worst things people have said to me that I wrote about in my blog.(she thought she should comment on the blog how terrible it was) What was ironic was that she was the one with the #1 worst comment
"you're not having chemo so you don't have cancer anymore...your fine"
must be a mother thing lately.
cin
0 -
I have a dysfunctional family too. My mother is dead now and that was a big drama in itself. Needless to say, I was not allowed to go up there while she was dying because I would "scare my mother" a direct quote from my dad. She would "know she was dying" if I came up, which naturally made no sense. I'd been up a few months ago to cook foods for her. I tried to get my sister and brother to let him know that I should be up there anyway, that this was a family thing and I should be included, and they could make an exuse as to why I was visiting - that I was going to cook for her or something like last time - but they wouldn't stick up for me. My sister just said "this is the worst time in an old man's life so if he doesn't want you there, then that's what will happen." Fine, I stayed away as she suggested. So, the entire family was up there and then on the last day of my mother's life, which happened to be New Year's Eve, when it was obvious it was only a few hours away, my sister sends me a text telling me to stick my 'crap in a drawer" and get up there right now!
Aside from the fact that I'd wanted to go all along, and aside from the fact it was New Year's Eve, and aside from the fact from the fact that I had a frozen shoulder and could only use one arm, I tried. But the roads were closed for snow.
Guess who is the one who wouldn't go up while her mother is dying?
I have all of that documented with texts and emails to friends as it was happening, with quotes. (They don't know that). But, now everybody is shocked I even think that - of course they wanted me, I wouldn't come!
A dysfunctional family will never change. We fall into old family patterns in times of crisis. I was the bad girl, the one who was always wrong, too emotional. If I cried when I was beaten, I was called overly dramatic. My sister was the one who was always right and good and never beaten. Everything they remember is in that light - I'm a problem, they are not.
My sister is now all upset over my saying I've not seen my brother since I was diagnosed. Don't care about that but every year I take his kids for a week. I love the kids, been taking them for ten years, and they love me. They have said it is the "highlight of their summer." Their life has been hard and I wanted to give them a week of joy. We go to baseball games, out for ice cream, shopping, zoo, fun places always. Suddenly, since I am diagnosed and my mother has died, last year my dad got them (he had never asked before) and this year my sister (who has never asked before) but not me. My brother has said I will get them and then I hear they are visting somebody else. But, I only blame my brother, and nobody else; he is the one who can't face my cancer. But because I pointed out that my sister had never asked before, she thinks thinks I'm at fault for wanting the kids and being sad I can't get them. I'm wrong again and she's the perfect one, only helping out my poor brother, who is "in crisis." She chastised me for that.
(Note: he is going bankrupt and losing his house because of overspending and no doubt drinking. His marriage is in crisis because he beats his wife and kids. I am not in crisis because I merely have a terminal illness.) I guess I can have the kids next year, or the one after that. Right?
My sister has been helpful. She stayed when I had surgery and cleaned my house. She has come to see me a couple of times but usually when she visits my dad, not just to see me. She sent me money for a wig (although I didn't need it, it was nice). But, she won't do the simple thing - give me the benefit of the doubt in any situation. I think because if I am ever right when she feels I'm at odds with her, it messes with her self image of her being the fixer and the only one who is stable. She doesn't realize how quick she is to judge.
So, I limit my contact. I can't be their version of me all the time. And, they will never see me any other way.
And, you should too SuperFoob. You don't have to hang up the phone - just don't answer. That's what answering machines are for. Don't make it hard on yourself. Don't answer the phone, except maybe once a month. Talk about trivial things. If she asks for money, say no. "Oops, sorry, somebody is at the door. Bye, love ya mom." If she asks about your cancer, don't tell her the truth. "I'm fine." Stay out of the family drama. It will never change but you can.
She will NEVER appreciate your point of view. Some people only have their own and cannot look through the lense of anybody else's eyes.
0 -
superfoob and coolbreeze - my heart goes out to you. It's hard enough having stage IV cancer let alone having to deal with how others are handling it (not so well). I agree Ann, you only have control over one person, yourself...take care of you!
0 -
OMG I feel so bad for u 2--having cancer is so difficult and not to have u'r family there for u 24/7 is a horror. I don't know how I'd handle it, I'm sure not well. I'm sorry for all the turmoil u 2 go thru, but Ann u'r right u can only be responsible for u'rself--And BTW u must really miss the kids.
0
