Lets do a Sh*t People say to Metastatic BC Patients
Comments
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Leanna9, Just reading your words helped me to feel better! Thank you for caring enough to make that simple, but profoundly thoughtful statement. And Latte, yes, just hearing someone say, "Wow, that really sucks," would help as well and might even make me laugh if the timing were right! Goodness knows, I look for reasons to laugh!
Surly, with some people I think saying "Let me know if there's anything I can do for you," is just a cop out, as in "I get to feel good about offering you some help but I really didn't care enough to try to take any responsibility for offering something in particular." I often think that line just places more responsibility on the person needing help to figure out what someone else may be able to do and then to ask for it. One of the things that I get tired of hearing is, " I haven't offered to do anything for you because you are so capable/on top of everything/fill-in-the blank that you always take good care of everything." Now that's a cop out!
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My sister said the most wonderful thing to me when I had my first recurrence. I had called my parents, and within five minutes of that call, my sister called.
Her first words were "What is this shit about that damn cancer?" It was perfect. She is wonderful, and she said exactly what I needed to hear. It was so good to know that she was angry. She still refers to the "shitty cancer." Yes, indeed!!
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Brendatrue... I agree with the "let me know if there is anything I can do." I don't know what to say other than "ok, thanks." And, then I think they feel better
YAY them! Only one of my friends has taken the bull by the horn and said let me bring dinner over, and give you a break! That was nice. And, my FIL... still not getting it... comparing me to Robin Roberts asking over and over when I will be done with treatment and saying I will be fine. (different... again, it's different! Ugh). Nicole, love your friends saying it sucks... yes, it does! 0 -
Judy, Thanks so much for sharing your sister's comment! I loved it, especially how genuine it felt! One of my dear family members actually said to me, "Ohhhh...don't do this to me!" when I shared my news of mets. I was stunned...then I realized that it was her way of expressing how deeply it frightened her...but the choice of language, at least for the first few minutes, was terribly unnerving to me (on many levels).
Leanna9, Oh, do I understand the comparisons! I hate it when someone starts to ask, "Why don't you do like so-and-so and.............?" Then I wonder, is this person really interested in hearing how a situation is much more complex than a simplistic one-size-fits-all explanation suggests?
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I never confided in my co-workers that I have a stage iv bc diagnosis. So most treat me like, oh, that's no big deal you were treated for breast cancer, that was a couple years ago.
This week, I was shocked to learn that a 48 yr. old woman who I met when I used to go for weekly blood work during chemo passed away of breast cancer. She worked at the outpatient clinic in our small town and had been treated for bc about a year before me. I don't believe she was stage iv at the time. She was so supportive and positive with me. The last time I had blood work (in 2011) she talked about having a scan and she said things were all clear, ect.
Well, another woman I work with, who is one of my closer friends at work, said, "Yea, they said it just went to her brain! It came back and she was gone! It was so fast!" The subject came up about three times over the next few days and she repeated herself each time.
I would have hoped she could have been more sensitive towards me, even tho she doesn't know about the stage iv. I can understand how women at a lesser stage become upset and frustrated by people behaving like what they went through was no big deal because they should be 'over it' and moving on.
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I attended a funeral today for my husband's co-worker's wife. She died of breast cancer. 40 year old mother of 3! She was diagnosed stage 3 the same time I was diagnosed a second time and learned I was stage 4. She seemed like she was better off than me, and yet, she is gone and I am still here. It doesn't make sense.
Anyway, someone at the funeral asked me, no joke, "does this make you feel like you're next?"
I was speechless.......seriously?0 -
I'd of been thinking, "No, but if looks and thoughts could kill you're be next, you silly woman"
And by the way she needs a slap up the side of the head. I'm not a violent person and I never say anything like that but in my head I'm free to imagine all sorts of things. Quite a few people have had mental slaps up the side of their heads. A couple have had a good kicking too while I was at it. Relieves my mental stress at having to be nice and not take offence.
Moira
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One enormous dope slap for that person.
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Moira,
I'm with you on that one! My mother always said that you can think whatever you want you just can't always act on it. I have had some very unkind thoughts, though the subject of thoughts well deserved them, but have tried to take the high road in word and deed.
Caryn0 -
Yes it makes me feel like I'm next and you're an ass hole. How does it make you feel?
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Sad part about that line is when I was first diagnosed and went to a funeral for a friend who died of breast cancer, I did wonder if I was next.
Jean0 -
I was really pissed at DH when he suggested that maybe my back pain was a kidney stone cause it was close to the same spot he hurt when he had a kidney stone. I know he was trying to say something that would make me fell better, he has also said about making plans for when I am well again. Told him that the only thing I might get is better but never well like before. Had a run in with my onc's medical assistant when I insisted that I didn't want oxycotin for the pain that I wanted something that wouldn't prevent me from doing what I want to. The assistant did not educate me about how oxycotin works that I would not be knocked out like some other pain meds. Guess I will call the office and ask for a script for the oxy cause my back is really bothering me. Found out that it is because the med I'm on now has stopped working and it is time to move onto a different one or a nice cocktail. Hoping for a dry martini.
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The worst one ive heard is nobody knows how long they have , you could get hit by a bus tomorrowand my answer is probably not if im sitting in my house on a farm with no roads, anyways id much rather go that way then the xancer way but I hate the saying
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anamerty, many of us hear that bus story. I think it's Fitz who jokingly refers to it as 'that bus that's going around killing people.' I haven't gotten that comment in awhile, but next time I do, I'm going to say, "I don't know a single person personally who was killed by a bus, but I know a number of women who've died of breast cancer, and I bet you do to." I guess I should look up statistics of people killed by being run over by a bus. I don't think it is 40,000 people a year, which is the number of women who die each year of bc.
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According to the NHTSA, approximately 400 people are killed in bus accidents per year in the US. I don't know how many of those people actually were run over by buses though. I'm guessing there's more hit by buses now than a few years ago as so many people walk into traffic while looking down at their phone, but I think I stand a far greater chance of being wiped out by cancer than by being hit by a bus. I can only hope that my odds are that I would be hit by a bus! That would be great to live with those odds!!!
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Thank you for that statistic! I love it.
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108 people [give or take] die of breast cancer every single day in the USA. I'll take the bus, please.
*susan*
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OH! I love the bus statistic...thanks surfdreams.
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I actually DO know someone who died when he was hit by a bus -- he dashed out in front of it trying to cross the road.
However I'd bet he was an anomaly.
And I also hate the saying. Right along with no you aren't losing your mind (chemobrain) -- you just have a lot ON your mind. Roll my eyes.
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"What kind of gas do you put in your car?" was asked of me by the check-in desk person at big cancer facility, along with name, birthday, IV status and whether I have any flu or cold symptoms. "Oh I see that you also drive a ____, and someone in church told that I should only put hi-test in mine"
I yammered on about how I guess putting better fuel in the car might add to the life of my 10 year old car over the long-hual...oh yeah, I forgot - I'm going to die of cancer before I have to worry about that, right?
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I am so lucky - have never heard those insensitive, dumb remarks.
It was Oct. 1 and I didn't realize it was the beginning of PINK month. My son, d-i-l and I were greeted at our local supermarket by a young man carrying a tray of pink cupcakes. I asked- what's this about? He said - we want you to be aware of breast cancer.
My d-i-l rolled her eyes.
I'm aware!!!!!
(BC since 1998)
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Today I met with a radiation oncologist because of my inflamed left breast. He was talking about the side effects. He mentioned a possible heart attack in few years, then grinned and said that probably I do not need to worry about it. Oh well, medical dark humor… truth that I did not really want to hear.
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What the What! Pretty please with sugar on top, call his department head and mention this "funny" encounter. This guy needs a training a.s.a.p. on how to interact with patients.
Still shaking my head in wonder,
Jennifer
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Thanks Jennifer! The guy is indeed a very young doctor. I do not want him to get into trouble. If I am brave enough, next time I will tell him how I felt. He will be looking after me during the radiation rounds.
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Do tell him. He's endangering his career, as well as his patients' mental health.
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I'd love to take the bus! My onco (first appt) took me off my statins in Jan. as there was quite a bit of tumor load for my liver ....I said....huh, why..I have high cholesterol.... He said he wasn't worried about my heart....I never considered liver failure....geez. Jo
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This was said to me a long time ago, before I was stage 4, but it's a good one! I was recovering from my mastectomy and my cleaning lady said, "your husband is so wonderful. Here you are, only half a woman now, and he still loves you."
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Mary, I'm usually not one to take the Lord's name in vain but OH MY GOD.
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I saw an old friend over the weekend. When I talked about my cancer to her, she asked me if I had a will. I did speak up on this one. I told her it was an inappropriate question.
Worst though was the guy whose mother died of BC. He asked me if I was afraid of dying in pain. Answer in my head later: no shit, Sherlock. At time I was too shocked.0 -
Movies and TV shows never let us forget about dying in pain... 😡
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