Lets do a Sh*t People say to Metastatic BC Patients
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Moth, I hadn’t ever seen this thread. I really appreciate you reviving it. I read the first two pages. It’s going to take me a while to get through all of them. I definitely needed this.
Says the person who got to live those 30 years. I’m shaking my head.
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Good one, moth. And for everyone who hates Mondays - I'll take all your Mondays.
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I like / liked when people tell me “you look so good” because when I was on chemo I was working overtime to still look good and fool the world. Makeup, wigs, new outfits, I was doing it all to make myself feel better and what can I say, I like validation 😂 and I like to stay in a little bit of denial.
The crazy food and baking soda cures were being sent to me by one of my kids. The first couple of times it didn’t bother me , eventually it started getting annoying. I wouldn’t say anything if it was just something about general healthy eating but if it was a really quack-quack thing I would text back and say so. Eventually it stopped.
I hate to be too harsh with my family because they were really great when I was first diagnosed. And I know they have their own way of coping with this. But the woo-woo stuff was getting to be a bit much.
I am glad I don’t have co-workers to deal with. I don’t talk about my cancer to very many people, glad I don’t need to explain or make “small talk” about it to people I am not close with.
I can think of a few funny/strange interactions with medical people. Some doctors and nurses who aren’t in oncology seem really uncomfortable when they hear this diagnosis.
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Moth, thank you for bumping/reviving this thread. I can't believe I'm saying that it's "fun" to read all the sh*t people say. I guess it helps to know that we're not the only one to experience the crazy things people say. I think there are several categories of people who say stupid things. Feel free to add to the list:
- People who genuinely care, but don't know what to say
- People who don't really care and shrug it off - "It's no big deal"
- People who have no filters - "I have an aunt who died of cancer. It was horrible. She was in constant pain!"
- People who want to fix it - "You need to stop eating ____. You need to eat ___".
- People who say funny things without meaning to - "Keep us abreast of your situation" (That was actually said to me!")
- Religious people (note, that I did not say "Christians") who ask "Are you paying tithe?"
I could go on, but you all get it.0 -
Sunshine99, you’ve got the different people to a tee.
Someone wrote me the following. I really know they mean well, but just no, I do not want to hear this:
“I don't much understand this crazy life and the whys and wherefores but I do know that we will all be together again.
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"you'll be fine!" - no, just no
"I remain hopeful" - deluded. The word you're looking for is deluded.
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Moth, you are speaking the truth. I would love to come back with a great comeback. Here is another one.
“You got this." Why yes, yes, I do.
Or how about “come up with a mantra to say in the mirror every day."
Oh, yes, I am going to will it away. That's it.
And I love the “You've got such a positive attitude." Oh, really?? Tell my husband that when I whine to him about how I'm feeling.
Shaking my head.
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there is a video
youtube.com/watch?v=8fluBsPbP680 -
RangerGranger, that’s great. Thank you for sharing the site. I didn’t know the author of this post had actually made thevideo. I haven’t read far enough along in the post.
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Reading this thread from beginning is great. So many eyerolls but also giggles and it's funny how often we're hearing the same silly stuff.
Sunshine, I agree with the categorization! Spot on!
RengerGranger, thx for posting the vid. I read the thread from beginning a couple mos ago but missed this.
Edited as I was mistaken about Fitztwins current status
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Wow. The way the video ends. Great choice of music, too. It looks like a friend of Fitztwins (Maybe anther BCO member?) made the video based on this thread that Fitztwins started. The creator says her friend Janis collected the comments.
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“Nobody lives forever.”
Ok, how about we trade places and I live to be 85 and you get cheated out of decades of life? I was a worried stage 1, talking to a second-opinion onc about whether I was ok on just Tamoxifen to avoid recurrence. This is what she said to me.
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It's bad enough when it comes from acquaintances, friends, or family, but when the oncologist says it, ugh. Just insensitive.
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Yeah, I did not choose her to be my new oncologist.
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Fitz who started this post is still very much with us! The twins (whom she hoped to walk into kindergarden) are in college now.
I made the video 😀 I used to be EnglishMajor but I lost my login hence my current incarnation.... I was dx denovo in 2009 currently on 7th line of tx.
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Glad to hear FitzTwins is still with us and you are too, for 11 years! That’s great!
I talked to my EX today.
“How is your health”
“ I’m doing ok, just had my scan, all clear”
“Wow that’s great, so are you done now?”
((sigh))
“No, hun, I’m never gonna be done unless a miracle happens”
Mind you , this has been explained to himmultiple times. Oh well. This is life now. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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Sunshine , good job with those categories, reading through this thread I think you covered them all!
The No Big Deal types are the worst. How the hell can anyone be so callous about cancer?
Even if a person told me they had Stage Zero DCIS after a mammogram, I would still understand how anxious and concerned they would be feeling...even before I ever had cancer myself, I would never respond to anyone that way. Let alone someone with advanced disease.
Some people need to learn to just say “I am so sorry to hear this” and then be quiet.
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A friend loaned me 600-page "Essential Oils PDR". Normally PDR refers to Physicians Desk Reference and it's an official Medical guide. In this case the small print said Personal Desk Reference, they used the acronym to make it look more official. I was told "look through this it has some good stuff." Like I had the mental or physical energy to research my own cure.
Not intended to offend those who use alternative meds. Helpful - would have been to do the research and present me with ideas related to my diagnosis, instead of a book on 1000s of oils for everything that ails you.
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My cat is in end-stage renal failure. My psychologist said “It looks like you and your cat are in a race to the finish”. ????? I’m hoping it’s a one off stupid statement. If not, I’ll look around for a new psych.
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What. The. Actual...
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Nopink, nice friend. I’d say thanks but no thanks.
lehrski,No, just no. I hope he or she gave it some thought after saying something that stupid.
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Who the bleep ARE these people?
Tina
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The more I think about this, the more I think that comment — by a psychologist!— to a newly diagnosed person — Is so beyond the pale that it needs to be reported to someone. Licensing board? Does this person work for a hospital? For a group practice with an owner? How did you respond, lehrski? I would have been too shocked to say anything, I think.
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I had a phone call from someone to schedule a mammogram. I told her I didn't need one. She proceeded to tell me that mammograms should be done yearly to check for breast cancer. I said I don't need one because I already had metastatic breast cancer. You could have heard crickets on the other end of the phone. She finally said, Oh I'm sorry. And hung up.
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I burst into tears. I think she was trying to lighten things up, but that didn’t work. She works independently and has her own practice. I found her online. I was trying to find someone who does online appointments and is covered by my insurance.
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lehrski, that sounds just awful and for a mental health professional to say such a thing, I can't imagine.
Is there any counseling available where you go for your cancer treatment? Or maybe your oncology nurse can suggest someone? Or maybe a call to the American Cancer Society can help locate someone for you?
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Lehrski - you found this one online, try the next option. Hope it was a Zoom appt so pysch could see you burst into tears! Maybe if we all did that more often (instead of being "strong") it would send a message to the morons.
BTW, when typing that I felt a need to send a prayer of forgiveness to all those to whom I've said something stupid to during their life's trials. I'm sure I've done something similar in ignorance.
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Oh, lehrski, I wish I could give you a hug. Your reaction was natural and honest. I am glad you did not try to smooth it over for her.
If this comment was from a friend who is not routinely hurtful, I would say talk it over, give her a chance to apologize, and move on. Maybe the friend did not understand how lehrski must be feeling, or was uncomfortable and therefore said something stupid. But a psychologist — it is her JOB to think about how her client is feeling, and to not say things that cause further trauma. If she is ignorant or uncomfortable with the topic of cancer, she is not qualified to be counseling cancer patients.
I know I am butting into your business lehrski, and if you just wanted to vent rather than get advice, I apologize. I just feel like a mama bear here seeing how you reached out for help just one month after getting such difficult news, and got more pain for your trouble. Finding a good therapist who takes insurance can be difficult. For a while I saw someone just once a month at a reduced rate because that was what I could afford. In addition to Olma's suggestions above, you can call your insurance company and ask who is on their list that specializes in cancer/oncology, chronic illness (not the best term for cancer but a broader term), or grief. It may be you could talk to anyone who practices in your state, now that telehealth appointments are common.
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Simone, this problem with getting calls or letters about mammograms is one that comes up again and again here on BCO. Usually the person assigned to call or the computer that spits out the letters does it based on female over age 40, without knowing medical history. There really needs to be an opt-out available, because it can be painful to the person who gets the inappropriate call or letter. One person here told them, “I have no mammos to gram!”
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nice_of_u , i reported one pm i got this morning as spam
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