Lets do a Sh*t People say to Metastatic BC Patients
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WTF?!!
Oh Brenda, great response, still İ hope nobody dies of cancer any more. İ hate religion-promoters at such times! Btw İ'll make sure Mohammed the prophet, who İ am sure is a good friend of Christ (and Moses of course) will team up to make sure angels not welcome him to heaven.. This is a silly exaggeration of an example İ know, but in all religions there are people who (are inclined to) get this, and this only.. Wake up, heaven & hell starts here!!! Be kind to others..
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Okay, this is actually pretty funny, but it is more of what mothers say to their daughters. My mom came to keep me company during my weekly chemo infusion, and as we were sitting in the waiting room, she said "it's a shame there is a separate breast center. Odds are there aren't any cute single guys you could meet here". She then proceeded to ask the patient coordinator if the cancer center held singles mixers, while pointing at me! It was totally embarrassing! She has since sent me the name for a dating website for people dealing with cancer.
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Becs511, priceless! That scenario is right out of a sitcom!
Tina
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Becs511, I agree with Tina: it's right out of a sitcom. What a hoot! Hmmm...I can only imagine the story behind that sitcom....
Your mention of "mothers" made me think of what happened to me yesterday. I had my first visit with a new oral surgeon for a "lesion evaluation," and at one point in the discussion he remarked, "If you were my mother, I would recommend this same line of treatment. I think it's the best way to go." Bear in mind that I am one of those people who HATE it when MDs say, "If you were my (fill in with any particular family role), I would...." However, yesterday I almost burst into laughter when he said "my mother" because all I could think at the time was that when I was first diagnosed with breast cancer, MDs would say, "If you were my daughter, I would...." Then I heard, "If you were my wife (or my sister), I would...." So now it's "my mother"?!? Talk about destroying the illusion of youth (although breast ca/treatment for 19 years has already done a number on that one). But, come to think of it, maybe I'll be one of the lucky ones, and years from now I'll get to hear, "If you were my grandmother, I would...." And maybe I'll just smile.
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becs. Hilarious. Thank for sharing. On mothers. They are always trying to "fix " us regardless if we are already happy or not.
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Becs and Brenda,
Thanks for the sitcom chuckles- my mind went to Seinfeld. Hilarious stories.
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becs ha ha we have similar mothers! Guess it's that childhood cancer experience we had that ruined their brain tune.
Mine was quite hopeful for another grandchild frım me until very recently!! I am on chemo ma, I don't want a chemo baby!!!
Ugh
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I have to say, Brenda, that if someone made a comment to me like that, I'd respond, "Are you that eager to go meat Jesus, because I'd be happy to send you there right now..." Wow.
My issue with my mom is more that she is in denial about my abilities because she wants to believe that I'm as strong and healthy as always. We both lost our husbands in a six month period years ago and really relied on each other. Then I got cancer, and I think she is terrified of losing me. So she will ask if I can come over to help her with housework, weeding, etc. I have to (gently) tell her that I can't do some of those things anymore. She understands and backs down fast, but I can tell it pains her. I don't think she really expects me to be able to do things, but just wants us to feel "normal." I can't fault her for that.
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Tina and Brenda you are my heros! I wii stand in awe of your snappy comeback ability for years to come!
{{{hugs}}}
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I've been watching the series 'The Big C' , which I get from the library and am now watching the final four episodes. It's an HBO show about a woman named Cathy with stage iv melanoma. It's over the top, ridiculous, unrealistic, but......entertaining.
As I watched it today, Cathy gets into a conversation with a random mall employee who heard Cathy mention having chemo brain. The employee goes on and on about her mother in law who had breast cancer that came back twice, so she had chemo three times but died of a heart attack because the chemo weakened her heart. Everything Cathy didn't need to hear. So Cathy looks at the woman and says, "we're all dying inside a little each day, you know? Our cells die off a little more every day. That's why your hair is turning grey and you need those reading glasses." Cathy gives the woman a cold stare and continues: "I wonder what YOU'RE gonna die of? Ever wonder that? Do you ever wonder what's going to kill you?"
I thought it was a great comeback.
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Hubby and I were doing a little grocery shopping. We ran into a neighbor who is quite aware of my condition, but I don't get out much, so I haven't seen him in a while. He greeted my husband first. Then he said to me, "I heard you've been a little under the weather. (looks at my chest, and then says) Is it all gone?" I couldn't remember any of your snappy responses at the time(darn chemo brain!). So I told him, "No. I will have to have treatments for the rest of my life." He said, "Oh. Well you look great." I know he didn't know what to say, and I'm glad I look great, but "UNDER THE WEATHER"??? Sheesh.....it's not the flu....although it feels like it sometimes.0 -
I recognize this is a rant about vanity, so obviously it pales in comparison to some of the sh*t statements we have to put up with. But I always feel better after a rant, so sorry to unload on you girls! Facebook is evil. That aside, a friend posted the following cartoony thing on facebook... "if you have penciled on eyebrows, I can't hear a word you're saying because I'm staring at them". Then they, and several of their facebook friends had a running dialogue about the craziness of women who have penciled on eyebrows, including the following statements which I'm copying and pasting here : "My boyfriend Steve wants those ladies who do that to draw them on like they are angry; he gets a kick out of it!" --- - "And use different colors!!!!" -- - - "I never understood why some women shave them off and then draw them back on lol", - - - "Me either.. Eyebrows are hair..... We don't shave our heads and color it in...." --- "We don't but there is probably someone out there that does. LOL" - -- "But maybe?????...... I can start a new trend!!!!" - - This was followed by several LOL's and other's patting themselves on the back for their cleverness. I'm ranting here, because if I unleash on her post, it will jeapardize a working relationship that I require in order to provide rescue work that I do on the side. But I soooooo want to unleash!!!! Grrrrrrrr. Like we have a choice. Like we aren't just doing the best we can to get some "slap on" to try to feel a little more sense of normalcy in our abnormal existence and to maybe make us feel a little better when we're really feeling like crud. Grrrrrr.
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oh surf, people are just idiots! But meanwhile, keep in mind, my new favorite stroking comment "you beat this before, and I know you can do it again!" Really? That's not exactly accurate, but thanks for letting me know that you have never comprehended a single word I havesaid during the last year! Apparently brain mets make you cranky. Sorry for ranting.
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meanwhile, while I am feeling especially cranky... Does anyone else dread speaking to non-oncology medical staff? All I can generally manage is a dumbfounded look, followed by a meager and brief explanation of what mbc is, which isn't ever very satisfying, when asked repeatedly, "and how is your cancer doing?" Seems like my cancer is doing well, me, not so much. Argh.
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Surfdreams, don't get me started on Facebook. It's always given me the creeps! But we read these comments so differently now, don't we? I feel the same about some of the plastic surgery shows on TV. They make me sooo sad, and a little angry too. Perfectly healthy bodies willingly subjecting themselves to a whole lot of unnecessary nonsense, in my opinion. Grrrrrr...
And Delirium, re. the non-onc. medical staff... When I went in for my epidural for back pain, a nurse took down my medical history, including surgery I had to remove a MET from my spine. She says, "Wow, you've been through a lot..." Then she says, "I see you were diagnosed in 2010. You're almost to that 5 year mark! Congratulations, you're almost there!" I was so dumbfounded, I couldn't even find it in myself to give her the mbc explanation.I also felt like I would embarass AND depress her if I did explain it. ARGH is right!
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kudos to you steel for not bopping her in the head! Unless you did, and if so, kudos for that too.
How about the notion people get that if you are young, that "at least it was caught EARLY". What?? Yes an actual dr said that to me. When I explained that it was grade 3, he smiled and said, well it could be higher. I know these are not specialists but good lord, was there not a CHAPTER on cancer in med school?
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I wish I'd had the strength to bop her, Delirium. Normally, I'm pretty spirited in these situations, but all I could think about was how dumb her comment was. Yeah, there must have been a chapter somewhere on advanced cancer in those med books, right? Maybe they skipped it?
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I had to go to the ER one night while I was going through whole brain radiation treatments. The ER nurse asked me if I had a port for my radiation. Didn't fill me with confidence about her ability to help me!
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Surfdreams, you don't have to be nasty to those "mean girls". You can very sweetly suggest to them that the next time they see someone with pencilled-in eyebrows they should think about how BRAVE she is while going through chemo.
I have 6 kids so I am a professional at inducing guilt.
Leah
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Girls, your comments make me laugh and I am outraged by the incomprehension of some people, especially those in the medical field! Love your comment about guilt, Leah! So funny.
I'd be incensed about the eyebrow thing, too, because my never grew back in very well after chemo. I look at old photos of myself and feel a twinge of sadness for the eyebrows I had previously. Well, people are insensitive to say the least, but you are smart to vent here and not get into too much discussion on such matter through FB where things can sometimes get blown out of proportion.
As for the plastic surgery, the one "Botched" almost reminds me of Twilight Zone. Those people have had some bizarre surgeries. The doctors who are supposedly fixing it seem just a bit off to me as well. I've caught a few moments of the show but it's not going to be on my list of must watch tv.
Yeah, I'm just dumbfounded to read some of the remarks people have said to women with stage iv bc.
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Steelrose! How did you contain yourself about the 5 year mark comment????? That would have SO got me!
SusaninSF: where do I get one of those radiation ports! When I had radiation, they never suggested such a great thing! It might have saved me from some nasty burning and scarring!
DeleriumPie: Your avatar sums it up very nicely!!! And I love your comeback re: how's your cancer doing?
Leah: Nice comeback. Pretty much anything I was thinking of posting back was going to make them hang their heads in shame - but as MsDivine said, Facebook posts can sure get blown out of proportion and I don't like drama. I need to remember that I'm just oversensitive about things like this now. Again - it's a vanity issue, and though I let it bother me, I need to keep it in perspective. But I'm still glad to have a place to rant.
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I have lived all over this country, and there is one universal reality that is the same regardless of where you are. For some reason, everyone needs someone to look down on and to feel justified in their own judgements. Sometimes the lines are racial, sometimes the lines are religious, sometimes the lines are economic, but there is this need that many people have of simply making themselves feel better by negating the lives of others. How empty a life must this person have if they actually care to notice that some people use makeup to substitute for eyebrows?
Anyhow, once I understood that, I learned to let it go when the basis was this superiority thing. Civil rights and liberties and blatant discrimination should never be allowed to stand but that is a topic for a different forum.
*susan*
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Bumping this thread because I think I've heard half of these, and I've only known about my cancer for six weeks (stage IV for five), and I've only told a few people.
My duh moment was getting an email from a relative of my brother's wife saying she had breast cancer (stage 1) and beat it, through prayer and medical treatment. I know my SIL was trying to help, by giving my email address and diagnosis out to a complete (to me) stranger, but no, it's not helping!
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What I hear most from people is "I can't believe how well you're doing". I just focus on the last half of the sentence and ignore the first part.
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Okay, I'm new here but not new to cancer or wicked humor! So here goes my list:*When first DX and MO was going over treatment plan and SE, including hair loss, his PA looked at me and said " You have such gorgeous hair!" To which I replied "Thanks... I hope it grows back the same after I lose it all in the next month."
*At work, the ladies were not very kind when I was DX. Uncomfortable so they avoided me. I could work an entire day with zero conversation. One day, one of the ladies calls in because she is so upset about her bad haircut and everyone was all a twitter! Poor Patty! How terrible! I finally couldn't take it and said, "Could be worse. She could be about to lose all her hair!"
*Best friend of 20years, we would talk several times a week. He dropped off. I called him after 2 weeks and asked what was going on, he said "I've been really busy" never heard from him again.
*" We all die sometime Sis, you're just going to die sooner." So wise....
*MO when liver numbers were elevating "Well, you're not jaundice yet, so I wouldn't worry."
* After brain mets brother said, " It will be a few months before I can get out to visit" I asked if I should make my cousin power of attorney since brother was too far away, he replied, "Oh I can get there in 24 hours if you die" Thanks Bro! lol
* He followed that up with researching ways I could kill myself! Ahhh Brotherly love!
*GP gave me a list of books on juicing to cure my cancer. Maybe he sells Magic Bullets in his free time??
*As hair was growing back, "Is your hairstyle by choice?" Talk about making friends!
*In wheelchair after brain surgery, had just been told 3-6months to live, friend comes to visit me in rehab tells me she can't go to a party she wanted to go to because her son (who is making her car payments) needs a ride to work. She then says, "Everything bad always happens to me!" Gotta love it right?!
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I have a friend who says she wants to get together for lunch but for some reason it never happens. The funny thing is that she has always made it sound like she is so helpful to everyone in need, it's unbelievable when I think of it.
Thankfully I have some truly incredible friends who have been supporting me emotionally. It really is true that you don't know who your friends until they are tested a little bit.
Giving someone an angel and a card with religious verses on it is nice but really being there for them is quite something different.
*I may have posted this already but the memorable statement is, "It is difficult seeing you like this." What with a sad look on my face? Not the constant happy grin that you are accustom to?
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After about 30 minutes of talking about x miracle cure..."well, you can just research it and decide for yourself. I told so-and-so about it, but she died...so I guess she didn't look into it."
Same conversation... "The government doesn't want you to know about it (x miracle cure) because of all the money they would lose on drugs" (explaining that the government doesn't actually make money on drugs would have only prolonged the conversation, so I didn't bother).
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So true Musiclover! If I had a dollar for every time someone said they are "here for me" then vanished.... I would have a lot of dollars!! If nothing else, cancer teaches us who our true friends are, how much we can do on our own no matter how crappy we feel and that if we don't keep a happy mask in place24-7, people avoid us!I had a friend tell me that
they didn't want to ask how I was doing because they were afraid I might cry. Is it about our comfort or theirs that they avoid??
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I am really tired of people telling me about Gerson therapy. Do I look like I have the resources to buy and juice 20 pounds of fruits and vegetables a day? When I have no car, and live alone in a studio, with a tiny kitchen and not even a full-sized refrigerator? And what about my job? What am I supposed to do? Lug all that stuff to work (on my bicycle) and take a break every hour so I can drink fresh juice? And another four breaks for the coffee enemas...
At this point, the next person who mentions it is going to get an earful. Even if this crap cured my cancer (which it won't), how can my friends imagine that I would ever want to spend the rest of my life drinking juice and squirting coffee out my backside? Do they know me at all?
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NineTwelve, drink the coffee. Toss the juice. Squirt the jerks out your backside.
Leah
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