STFU (Shut the F*** UP)
Less than a week before my surgery and my new favorite words are STFU (Shut the F*** Up). Yes, clearly I'm completely in the throws of the anger stage. So far I only say it in my head, but I can't promise it's not going to slip out soon.
I don't want to hear:
"Oh, well you don't have it as bad as a friend of mine who had Chemo" STFU
or
"Well, that's not as bad as it could be. At least you get a bunch of time of work." STFU
or my new favorite which everyone keeps saying
"You'll get nice, perky boobs at the end of all this....I'm jealous". STFU
Yes, I realize that many women go through a lot more difficulties with their own journey with BC, and Yes I'm thankful that it's not "as bad as it could be".
But what is there to be jealous of? I'd gladly keep my tiny boobs in a heartbeat you insensitive moron! I'm not having a breast lift or an elective breast augmentation. I didn't volunteer for this.
I don't need to hear the worst BC story you know.
I don't need to hear that you wish you could have time off work and be pampered.
I don't need to hear that chemo is really the hardest part of BC (from people that haven't had it).
Can't you just say "I'm sorry" or "I'm here if you need me"???? How hard is that?
Otherwise, people really should just STFU.
Sorry, needed to vent. Sorry to upset anyone. This is the only place I can say this.
When I'm not crying I'm snapping at everyone. I know it's probably normal.
Comments
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Yes it's normal Shaneoak. People say the most stupid things sometimes. They have absolutely no idea because they haven't been there and I hate it when I hear people tell you about somebody else they know about - who cares - this is about you not somebody else. I completely get where you're coming from - it can take a lot of patience and self control not to snap at people. Here is the place to vent and I'm sure most if not everybody understands where you're coming from.
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ShaneOak....I remember when I was first DX......People don't know what to say and they make the stupid and senseless remarks.....Sometimes I felt like they were more scared than me..........
This is what I do in my head..........Slap slap slap......Hugs
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Yup, been there. All the stories people want to tell of others they even remotely heard about with breast cancer. Just wanted to say to them...I'm really not interested in your hairdresser's cousin's son's wife's best friend's case of breast cancer.
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Or when you get the thousands of questions about your lifestyle that probably caused your breast cancer. I think it is fear. They want or need to find the reason you got breast cancer to feel better that it won't happen to them too.
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FABULOUS POST and you keep venting!!!! Totally! We've all been there! And hahaha love Sheila's slapping emoticon
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Shaneoak - I totally agree. Unfortunately some people still say stupid things. I absolutely agree with the fear and inability to process what is going on with someone right in front of them and many are scared. Some people do find it easier to say the right things over time and come around to be really supportive, while others continue down the path of stupidity or total ignorance (the comments about new perky boobs or how lucky I am to get the chemo 'skinny have not stopped but I am a better processor in my head now). I can tell you my diagnosis will definitely change the way I deal with anyone going through a major life change - I will be there to help them fight the good fight and if I can't do that I will just be by their side.
Sheila - love the slapping, have felt like that many times!
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Tell it, Sister!!!
After enduring yet another story of another person's horrific suffering, I finally had to perfect the withering, unblinking stare....after which I would say "EXCUSE ME? Exactly how is that supposed to help me?"
And, depending on the source (I was compassionate with loved ones who were genuinely concerned about me but lacked the right words) I use the following:
"Oh, really? I didn't know YOU had cancer...."
"I'm sorry, I can't comfort you right now. I'm the one who's living with this, not you."
"Why would you even SAY something like that?"
Or even just "EXCUSE ME?" followed by the silent, piercing stare...
~~~~~~~
Big hugs to you, ShaneOak....we get it!!!!
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ShaneOak,
I am so sorry for what you are going through! I'm sure most of us have had our share of inappropriate comments. I try to remember that very few people, if anyone, says things purposefully to hurt us. Most are trying to help and just do not know what to say. Usually giving a little grace (unmerited favor), a smile, and maybe saying "Thank you" or "It's just really hard, right now" leave everyone feeling better.
Blessings to you!
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Oh my -- yes, I've been there to and silently say unmentionables in my head. (Doesn't always help though --- I need to use a spaced out look and stare blankly with no response - - hoping it will end the conversation.)
sheila888 - EXACTLY right on with the head slaps!!!
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I was very selective in who I told so not many people knew. The ones I did tell were close family and only very close friends and they were sworn to secrecy. In that way I never got unwanted comments or stories of far worse outcomes. I also found I liked the control of who knew and who didnt, so in many social occasions I was just the same person as always, not someone acquaintances looked at with pity or were at a loss of what to say. And with the bra I am now wearing no one can tell. It saves a lot of hassel in my opinion, but yes I understand what you are saying Shaneoak.
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I hear ya, ShaneOak!
I have had comments about getting 'new' boobs and how great it is to get a free tummy tuck (although it was a good bonus ;-) )
I get really irritated with people who really don't understand chemo and ask stupid questions, even though it's not fair to expect them to know if they've been lucky enough not to experience it. I had one friend ask if the chemo is to "keep it away for longer rather than just a few years". I just didn't know what to say.
Then the other day I had a pharmacist friend of mine that I work with tell me all about how chemo affects your blood cell counts and sometimes it delays chemo until they go up again. No shit Sherlock! He knows I've had cancer before and have been through chemo so how he thinks I don't know this I do not know. His mum had BC and he once told me how radiotherapy is easier than chemo. I snapped at him "how do you know?!" I've got all the t-shirts and radiotherapy gave me this BC so don't try and 'educate' me on cancer treatments and how they make me feel. STFU!
Okay, I needed that. Thanks!0 -
ShaneOak:
I had to laugh at your comment title, and I don't mean in any sense of making little of what you are feeling. I am almost 4 years out and I still mentally say that whenever another ignorant idiot makes an inane and non-educated comment about my cancer diagnose and where I am at this point in time. That said, there's just no cure for stupid and unfortunately, it never ends. Wishing you all the best always,
Linda
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You dont look like you had cancer....SHUT THE F UP.....am I supposed to look dead?
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I'm happy to report that since my initial post almost 12 hours ago and am a little better. Just a bad moment I think. This has been some rollercoaster. I know it will get better.
Thank you for relating and letting me vent. I know it probably just goes with being newly diagnosed and this too shall pass.
And I do agree with what most of you said about people not trying to be insensitive, they are just scared and lack the words to say.
grannydukes, Wow, that's one I haven't heard yet. That's truly terrible. That deserves a STFU!!
shelia, those slapping faces made me really laugh! Thanks for that.
Should I cancel the bulk shipment of "STFU" T-shirts?
Ha!
Love and Hugs to you all.
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ShaneOak wrote:
Should I cancel the bulk shipment of "STFU" T-shirts?
Nah...sadly, there will always be other occasions to use them....
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I want one of those T shirts. I would buy one of them before i would buy a pink ribbon one. No way am I putting one of those on me.
It's all in the attitude and feisty helps to get us though. It hurts no-one if it's just in our heads. just have to remember not to actually let it out and slap someone.
I laugh at the slapping faces too. I tend to brush aside people's comments and just cut conversations off. I don't get into cancer conversations with most people and I don't waste time on others peoples inability to know what to say.
I think it incredibly healthy to vent that feeling of STFU.
If you ever really do think about designing that Tshirt I think you would have a real winner.
Moira
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Good Night everyone.......
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Big High Five!!!! :-)
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I LOVE your STFU!!! I have a few drs and nurses and useless LE UNcertified therapists in my area I may use that on!! You put into words many things I feel!!
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From a newbie diagnosed and having mastectomy next week. I thank you for that post. It is priceless and i couldn't agree more with all you said.
I am sick of being told how incredibly well I look. STFU
I want the TShirt!
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P.S. I also want one of those T shirts and would wear one before I would EVER wear a pink ribbon one. I love pink btw
, just not the commercialization and bandwagoning of bc. 0 -
Well, what a nice surprise! You know after I posted/ranted/vented I half felt bad (I am really trying to be as positive as I can) and thought that I may get a message about my post not being very appropriate.
How nice that everyone can have a laugh and relate and vent and give a big GRRRRRR................to this whole crappy process of BC. I think we need it.
Perhaps I will not cancel the T-shirt order after all.
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I have to admit that I was taken aback, as well, about the "... you'll be able to get great, new boobs for free..." (I'm Canadian; breast reconstruction following a cancer diagnosis/breast surgery is covered by our provincial health plan). I mean, seriously? You really think that's supposed to make me feel better?
I, also, heard things like, while waiting for my biopsy results, "... oh, you have to stay positive, you can't be worrying that it's cancer, or it will turn out to be cancer and THEN what will you do..." Again, I say, SERIOUSLY???? Worrying is going to biologically change the nature of my breast lump from benign to cancer or, conversely, thinking that the lump is NOT cancer is going to, magically, transform it to something benign??
Yep. I agree wholeheartedly. STFU. And, as a neighbour of mine would add, ASFO (and stay f**ked off).0 -
It makes me want to scream when I keep getting comments along the lines of "everything's finished, so you're all cured now." I just say I hope so, but STFU would be so much better.
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In Oct.the pink month someone made T shirts all about the pink shit.I ordered 2 that said FOCKTOBER...JUST ASK ME...It worked like a charm...I knocked the shit out of all that pink crap.People stopping me and me tellin them just how much of your hard workin $$$$$ goes for research.
maybe a STF up tee could be a winner too...
I would buy one.....Great thread Shane.
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Still keen on the t shirt. It could cover a multitude of situations. Maybe I could wear it to my onc appt.
5 years of stage 4 and people think since I'm still alive I'm "fixed". I just don't talk about it and only my close family know when I have to go for appts and scans etc. It's enough to get myself though without carrying everyone else as well.
Having humour in all this healthy and black humour is my favourite.
You go Shane and repeat as much as you like.
It would be cool if someone did take the t shirt idea and have some made up. I'd order one from here in NZ and be happy to have it posted.
Moira
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My avitar was the pic of focktober.I know the sista who does it.....if you are serious i could contact her...she had lots to pick from and she had such a good time knocking the pink crap..
Im sure she would love STFU.
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I'm serious. Depending on the cost I suppose but if you found out and is was reasonable, yes.
I never wear pink and never draw attention to the fact I have cancer so this way, I know, but I don't have to have people look at me with pity. Or ask questions. Just expressing my inner mood.
Thanks Grannydukes, hope others want one to, it would make it worth doing.
Moira
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Hey they make a nice gift too...lol.
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I have the pic.on facebook but i dont know how to bring it here.It was my avitar but its very small.
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