January 2014 Surgery Sisters
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Congratulations Michelle!!
I know nothing about your area, but since you only have to see the MO every six weeks or so, maybe you could find one that's a little further-and a lot more compassionate? My MO is about an hour away, but when I saw her yesterday and we were talking about the next few appts, she remembered that I asked her several visits ago if I could get some of my Herceptin infusions in Fl. this summer.
I agree with Diane about getting some rest, but I finish my rads on Wed, and I've got plane tickets to Fl the same day. I will be back and forth 3x by July 4th. My grandchildren have their end of the year programs, my youngest grandchild is celebrating her first birthday in FL, because her Dad works there during the summer. They live in SC and I have some Dr appts the week before, so After ny appts, I will go to my DIL in SC and drive to Fl with her, the baby and their two dogs. Then the daughter I live with in Fl is coming to GA for the week of July 4th, and that works for another infusion, so I will be driving up and back with them.
That's just the traveling. In FL, we are redecorating just about the whole house- Tracy says there are just too many reminders of her Dad everywhere she looks, and that's hard to live with every day. So we will paint, and re-accessorize and move furniture around. The house will still have Bobs presence, just not quite so in-your-face. My youngest son wants my help in finding a place for him and his girlfriendto live, and also helping to make it a home. My older son needs my help with record keeping for his camp ( for the last 3 summers I have worked full time for the camp- don't think I have stamina for 50hrs a week yet). I can't wait to spend time with the grandchildren down there, so I will be pretty busy, and I can't wait. Back to life, finally. And I trust my body to tell me when I need to stop and rest.
Enjoy everything you have planned and listen to your body about resting.
Anne
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Ann - question for you...I'm thinking of ordering the Turtle Shell Sports Bra to protect me during my testing. It has pockets and you insert plastic cups that protect the foobs like the men's cups for sparring. Have you had any experience with this, or know anyone that has sparred with them? Of course, I'll be wearing an additional chest protector over my uniform, but I want more protection...just in case I catch a back kick to the chest.
Don't worry ladies, the testing is still over 2 months away, and it will be at least another month before I even try sparring. It's also unlikely that anyone is going to really T off on me at full speed even when I do, because they are all afraid of hurting me. Master P will probably put me with my 2 good friends, who are both women in their mid 40's and will be testing for there 2nd Dan black belts for the 2 on 1 sparring section. They both have great control and won't blast me hard...at least not on purpose. My biggest challenge will be stamina for the sparring, because it's exhausting.
Diane.
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Been awhile since I've been on this thread but mmtatagirl saw me on another thread and reminded me of that! Sounds like the January women are growing and growing and it feels goods. Dtkd, I love the men in pink! I think we owe so much to those women before us that sacrificed so much and wore that color to represent everything for the future, not for their time, but for ours. Seeing this photo shows getting our best buds involved can be a hoot to watch. Love the smiles! And your son is a real cutie!
Happy weekend all!
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Darn, I meant mmtagirl...hope I got it right this time...oh yeah, I used to be lost boob...seemed offensive to some (sorry)
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LOL Polly! That's a hilarious typo! I'm sure it will make Ann smile! Welcome back and thanks!
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Just wanted to share- I told my sister that I'm nervous about my upcoming hysterectomy that they will find cancer or some problem! Her response, "you dodged a bullet with the bc hopefully you'll dodge another one!!" I was like dodged a bullet???? Just because it wasn't invasive and I don't need chemo and rads to me doesn't mean I dodged a bullet!!!! I was at least grazed by the damn bullet!!!!!
This is how most people view me! I'm walking and talking and didn't need chemo or radiation I MUST be fine!!!
I was talking to my husband about my upcoming surgery and in mid sentence, he interrupted me and starting talking about barbecuing this weekend I was like wth!!!! I started crying and he said what's wrong?!? I couldn't even answer I just said nothing then he got mad at me! Again, wth!!!!!
People ask how I'm doing I say good, getting ready for my next surgery.... Theyre like more surgery?!?! I'm like ya it's a process and try and explain reconstruction then they go on their merry way and I'm left with the feeling of wondering did they really care as I was explaining everything I'm going through right now?!?
I need to get thicker skin and not worry so much and just say I'm good and leave it at that. I'm not sure why I have been sharing my experience w so many- I'm usually a person who is more reserved..... Guess I am just looking for someone to care- truly care about what I've BEEN dealing with the past 8 months and God only knows how many more months to come.
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Yeah Michelle! You did it!
Laurie
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Beverly - I think we all know what you are going through. I don't think that the amount or types of treatment you get make any difference to your emotional reaction. You were Dx with cancer! That shook my world off its axis, and from getting to know the other ladies on here, it did the same to them, too. We were in control of our own lives. Many of us were diligent about mammograms and PAP smears. Then BOOM! You don't know or understand your body, or this thing that has taken control of it. But we move thru it, doing what the Drs tell us to do. Outsiders (people who have not walked in our shoes) don't understand the emotional ramifications of cancer. Or the physical ones. My kids were great thru chemo and surgery. But they don't get Rads at all. The cancer is gone, so the rads are no big deal. Anytime I mention being burnt to a crisp, or I am so tired, their response is, yeah, but it's almost done... like it's no big deal. Even extended family- they called or emailed at least once a week, through chemo and surgery. I haven't heard from them since Feb. I have found Rads to be very difficult- not the burns so much, but the actual treatment itself is very scary to me. I tried telling my kids that, back at the beginning, but -"it's okay , Mom, you're almost done" so I stopped trying to tell them.
I don't think "outsiders" are being intentionally mean. They miss the "old" us and want that back. They truly think that cancer is like a really bad flu or something - with time, and proper care, it will go away. And you have had the time and proper care, so stop whining and obsessing about the past, and get back to being you. The problem is that cancer is not a flu, and you don't get over it. There is that fear, that I pray lessens as time goes by, but will never disappear completely- plus your body has changed, whether you are totally boobless, like me, or have a scar from a lumpectomy. Your faith in your own body is shaken, at best, and your body isn't capable of doing the things your mind tells it to do. They don't get any of that. You are cancer free, so it's over.
When you need someone to tell you that you are not crazy, or selfish, this is where you need to come. We share a bond that won't break. Whether someone has just been diagnosed, or has been a 5 year survivor or more, we understand. We have or are walking in the same brand of shoes that you are- maybe different colors or sizes, but the same shoes. Hope this helped a little to let you know you are not alone
Anne
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Anne....you mirror ALL my thoughts. It's NOT a frigging flu! IT IS CANCER. Most of us have had our lady parts all or partly removed. I was golfing the other day with a lady....probably 20 yrs older than me. And I saw her boobies jiggling...a little overflow....and I caught myself staring....watching them jiggle. My boobs will never do that again. But I'm alive!
Laurie
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My brother said "Hey, you didn't lose your hair, you're doing good!" It's like if people can't see something - scars, balding or bald, burns, then they think it must not have been so bad. The cancer is gone. Afterall, I still have boobs even if they are a bit uneven, they never saw them flat cause I had expanders (they don't even know what TEs are or what it means to have pain with them and they don't care to know). What they can't see are the other things that matter, not the cosmetic part. Those are bad enough. But the throwing up, the burning inside, the fear, the mets, the drugs and side effects, and all we have to endure, they ignore because they either don't understand or can't see it or won't see. My DH, who has stood by my side each step, told me to tell this one person, that I'm doing great. He said it wasn't necessary to always tell her otherwise. He didn't mean it in a bad way but to me, it was in a bad way. His dad is dying of lung cancer and just yesterday he asked me what goes through his dad's mind. I don't think he or anyone in my family ever asked me about dying from this disease. Everyone was worried at first but after the surgery, not. Maybe those of us that are in remission or are working toward remission are seen as survivors already. For myself, I'm not so sure how I feel about that word so soon. I have survived surgery and getting what I hope is most of the cancer, but it's never all gone. But the word "survivor" seems to be like I have gotten a prize at the end of surgery or getting these implants, just like our TV shows that you get a prize when you "finish." The prize I got was the hope I'd stay in remission along with more doctor appts, more side effects, no mets, knowing that devil is hiding somewhere, the list continues. We pray for those worse and pray for ourselves to not get worse. Are we really survivors? I don't feel like a survivor yet. Maybe when there's a real "cure" in my lifetime and I get the cure. But, not now. I'm still trying to survive.
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LoL! I am sitting on my deck listening to the Happy song coming from a pontoon boat about 100 yards away and decided to quickly check the threads. I am thinking of changing to mmtatata! I guffawed out loud. So funny....here comes Sweet Caroline as the next song jamming! Gotta go sing along! I love summer! So good, so good, so good!
Diane, I am familiar with the chest protectors but don't know much about how they protect the foobs. I will research with my good friend who knows all that stuff and get back with you.
I will be back on later this weekend to catch up on all the topics.
Omg, where is footbalnut, I got ac/dc shouting Hells bells now!
Gotta take a pic and share my back yard!
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my favorite place taken from my trailer porch. The DJ we call sandman has been cracking out the tunes all adternoon from a pontoon.
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That looks like soooo much fun! I've been working on our cat that wouldn't come in last evening and got sprayed by a skunk!!! Not good, not good at all
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That looks SO nice right now. It's pouring rain and 62 degrees here. Not very nice for anyone with Memorial Day weekend plans, but we desperately need the rain here.
Anne - your words were so eloquent. If you don't mind, I'd like to post some of it on my daily blog. You totally hit the nail on the head with how we feel versus how other people view us and our struggles.
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Michelle
Thank you and I would be honored if you use it on your blog.
Anne
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Ann
What an incredible view! Wish I was there.
Anne
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Thanks Anne!
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Kicking cancer's ass - day 270
My daily blog post with Anne's words.
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mmtagirl I am here!! HELLS BELLS!!!!! lol!!
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Michelle, I love that you included Anne's words to your blog. Your post today sums everything up...where we are now...changed. Couldn't agree more and I echo the same.
So like some of you who went through chemo, hair is growing. I can't quite say that I have a "hair style" but I have enough to cover my head, wash, and brush . I've been sporting my wigs since last August and am growing weary so lately I've been going "topless" around the house. Then I took a chance and went for a "topless" walk and I lived to tell about it. Ha! Today, sunny and 82, we decided to go out to our club for swimming etc. So I wore my new coverup and hoop earrings and left the wig at home!!!! So scared, nervous, and apprehensive to go but my family encouraged me snd I knew it was the right thing to do. Now remember, I haven't shared my cancer journey with everybody under the sun(no pun intended:)) and so I was sure that the people at the pool would ask questions. Hoping to dodge the bullet I wore big sunglasses in the hopes of being incognito. No such luck. Although I can say that those I did see we're like .." Love the short do" and another lady said .." Marissa!! Your hair.. I don't think I've seen you since you got it cut ... Isn't it so much easier to have short hair ?" Another woman said .." I LOVE your hair, it looks so good on you" . I'm glad for my first time out, it wasn't as bad as I would have thought.
Now that I'm home I feel so relieved to have made it through today. I know for some, the whole " hair" thing may not have been that big of a thing but for me it was huge..even more so than my breasts!!! I've always been a long hair girl and so no hair/ short hair has been a huge loss for me. But I made it girls!!! My next hurdle will be going topless at work... Not ready for that yet. Call me crazy?!?!@$&
On another note, had an emotional morning. I have stayed in contact with a girl I met at the infusion center back in September. At the time she was 29 and going through treatment for triple negative BC. She has been a very public warrior and so has been in the news, had news stories done on her journey, etc. Unfortunatly, in March she was diagnosed as Stage IV due to lung mets. She had surgery and things looked better..for a while. Spoke with her today only to find out that she has new lung met, new nodal involvement, and new skin met and her doc put her on a clinical trial and told her they may be running out of options!!!!! Needless to say I was a mess after that. She's now just 30 and has a beautiful kindergarten son. I feel helpless . I'm not quite sure what to do for her. My fears of BC started to resurface all over again. I will try not to internalize and be thankful and live every.single.day that God has given me. I will continue to live by faith and pray for my dear friend as she continues to fight. Just had to share, thanks for listening..Marissa
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Anne and Michelle - Very nicely put! I had lunch with a good friend today, who is also a psychologist. She says that what we are all going through is a grieving process. We've lost parts of ourselves, and complete control as Anne says. I remember by BFF, who lives in CO, had a very tough time when her mom passed. Nearly all of her friends and family couldn't understand why it took her so long to get over the loss. I'm sure she felt much like we do at times and used to go cry in her closet so she didn't have to hear a lecture from her DH. It takes as long as it takes, and we can't really expect that everyone will get it. We just have to support each other and lean on the people in our lives who at least try to understand. We will be forever changed by BC, but eventually, it won't define us in the way that it seems to now.
Ann - Can I come play in your yard? It looks marvelous. I'll bring the wine
Tomorrow, my son comes home from his dad's and we'll be having BBQ country style port ribs, smashed potatoes and corn on the cob. It is my last hurrah because my training diet starts Tuesday. No more dairy, alcohol, refined sugar, wheat or red meat for 6-8 weeks. I'll be eating lots of veggies, smaller servings of chicken and fish and low carbs 6 times a day. I'm hoping that posting publically will light a fire under me. I can't make it through my testing without taking off the extra lbs. I put on after my BMX, and with about 11 weeks until my testing, I can't put it off any longer. I didn't fight my way back from BC to class only to be taken down by depression eating. I know that if I can just get a week under my belt, I'll be good to go the distance. I'll have to put back some of the weight for fat grafting after testing, but I seem to be really good at that, so I'm not worried. ;0
I hope you all have a wonderful Memorial Day tomorrow with your respective families and friends.
Love and hugs,
Diane.
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you can do it Diane! It's one thing we CAN control (although very hard to resist). Keep us posted on your progress.
My return to work says I can't take any time off...but I've been fighting a cold/flu for 4 days and today is the worst...so I'm staying home! Not sure what they are going to say.
I'm going to be a couch potatoe today.Laurie
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Laurie- Thanks for your support. I'm sorry you have a cold. That is no good. I'm guessing that in Ontario they don't care about Memorial day. Too bad, you would be off if you were here. If it's only one day, they should count themselves lucky. Someone in your office may have been the one who gave you the cold in the first place. I say just forget about them, put on your tiara and find a recliner! I hope you feel better soon.
Diane
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PS...
Laurie, I find .myself staring at boobs all the time. Its.like I need to remember what they are supposed to look like. Since I have my revision surgery coming, its also like shopping for ideas to discuss with my PS, but it still seems weird.
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Well, holy cow,
I am gone for a few hours and I can't keep up! Love you guys.
I don't want to comment too much on the posts. Everyone took care of eachother already.
Going backwards on the posts...Diane and Laurie and anyone else....I look at myself and I see scars...weird looking boobs/foobs..they won't change...no fat grafting, nada nothing....they are what they are. If I had the money I would have had the old implants removed and ya da ya da ya da. I could have been many thousands of dollars richer because my silicone implants come under the Dow Corning law suit., where at one time it was thought that silicone implants caused cancer.
However, it wasn't worth it to me to have my body further pulled apart and then pulled back together for a few bucks.
LAURIE, lol, looking through a bunch of pictures on Saturday, trying to find a pic of my dog when she was a few months old....the pic of my freshly operated boobs kept coming up. Ladies, it was a pic I sent to Laurie, privately...K it is so not private anymore. My friends all saw it. OMG....so embarrassed.....I didn't need to be...they were all just glad that I was ok and thought the boobs looked awesome. OH MY!
YES! colds suck, I hope you are feeling better. I hate it when people come to work , sick, and then left...only to leave the nasty germs behind. And yet, we all are made to feel guilty when we need a day off because we are ill. :P
Ann what a wonderful view. Can I visit? Is that your home year round? Can I come?...oh wait I already asked...lol I love the water. DH and I spend a lot of time looking for our perfect retirement home. Your place looks lovely...is there a place for a hammock?
Wow! Diane...kick butt..or anything else you have to in order to get your black belt. the food though....I am NOT disciplined at all. Bravo to you. I am so very impressed...same with you Ann....amazing
Anne....you were right on with your post. I guess I am fortunate that I haven't had to hear other people's opinions about how I should be feeling or whatever.
I don't invite a feel sorry for me attitude, but if I need my friends or family to step up for me I just simply ask....and they are all there and ready to help. I think I am very fortunate to have my people in my life. Very fortunate.
you know I think of you all....nice to know the best of the best.
love Eve
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Oh my goodness...here I go again...
I have read so much about how other people are affecting us. Where we feel or think we have to defend ourselves because we don't feel well or have to have treatments etc..and WE may not like what people in our lives have to say or we are disappointed in those people because they are not acting or giving us what we need.
What have I missed?
So much is about external influences.
What about the internal strength that BC can bring.
What about that strength that becomes something we can impart to our kids, our husbands, our co-workers. Anyone and everyone in our lives. As much as I agree about saying "I am good or great" with people that have no vested interest in my life or mine in theirs, I have observed in myself...that I don't care about the cashier that handles my flax seed and supplements , saying wow this is really good stuff....uh yes! At first I want to say why I am using this stuff...but then I look at the line behind me...and I realize those people don't care and the cashier really doesn't care either...about the why I am eating this "stuff" While I appreciate the feigned interest ...I don't have the where with all to address it...although sometimes I think a simple raising of my shirt might explain everything in short order. Can you imagine? lol
So in the absolute realm of my life there are very few people that will ever give a damn. I HAVE TO GIVE A DAMN about my life....my one little life.......and make it count IN MY LITTLE WAY! I can not expect anyone else to make my life matter. I certainly find you all to be wondrous women...you all are a blessing and a joy to know. I am in awe of all of you.
You absolutely make my life sweeter knowing I have a place to come to .
I think we have to remember that BC not only has challenged us but it also has given everyone in our lives a huge pause in their thinking about us, even the people we may not like so much. Cancer has a way of infiltrating all of our emotions...meaning the whole of our lives and even the lives of everyone that we see on an occasional basis ,...I think that is the stigma that Diane has referred too.
We have to allow ourselves time to heal.
Beverly, you in particular...facing 2-3 more operations....my thoughts are with you...but take your strength from Michelle, marissa, ann and Anne.
When I feel down and scared I go on the stage 4 thread and read their posts....amazingly there is no fear there.
love you ladies
hugs
Eve
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Watch Forest Gump if you ever need inspiration....
we are watching it now...5th time......perfection
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ladies, so much has been happening this weekend on this thread that I can't possibly catch up but wanted to let you know that I am thinking of each of you. I also want Diane to know that her little man is the most handsome and sweetest thing! Loved the picture.
So, instead of replying to the threads I want all of you to consider my latest read on healing. I received this book last week from a college roommate who has remained a dear friend and is a 5 year survivor of lymphoma. This booked reminded me so much of all of you and everything we are each going through. It's not a book about BC. However, it is a book of stories on healing oneself written by a woman doctor who has lived with a life threatening illness for over 30 years. I have been very touched by the humanness of the stories and the reinforcement that each of us heals differently, crisis spurs growth and even anger can be a positive emotional engagement vs disengagement.
The name of the book is, "Kitchen Table Wisdom" Stories That Heal by Rachel Naomi Remen, MD.
I think we can all find ourselves in these stories. Love to you all.
Ann
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