Starting chemo August 2014
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I had a good cry about it last night with DH, and he was very good about just listening. I don't know if I could have half the patience he has.
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I have been feeling damaged, ugly, fat, sad... All of the above. I'm not really sure how to move on and get back to my life. I'm tired of looking and feeling different. I'm tired I going out and people giving me those "sorry stares." I stand in the elevator at work and want to hide because I can feel people staring at me. I go to work and all of a sudden people who didn't want to talk to me before think it's ok to ask personal questions and get all offended when I say I really don't want to talk about it. Sorry I guess I just needed to vent.
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Huge hugs Kellogg. I'm there with you. When I go out and people that never talked to me before want to hug me and get very personal, I don't know how to handle it. That and no hair, lopsided boobs ect make me want to just stay home and hide until everyone forgets and I look normal again. It sucks but we will get through it. We are stronger than this stupid cancer.
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Well, today I cried cuz I stopped by a barber shop on a whim, to see about cleaning up my neck and sides. The top is still so short, no need, so the young man cut it nice, shaved my beastly neck, and refused to accept a dime. He said, just send your hubby in!
Am trying to drum up work, think I am sitting around to much.
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that's what gets me...the unexpected kindness of perfect strangers makes me choke back tears. Since I didn't lose my hair, I get to hide much more than most, but word got around to my building, and one woman told my mom that 25 y ago she has Breast ca and she had to abort before treatment, went through menopause twice, and never had children. Hearing about my story brought her back to that time, but she did say don't worry, you'll be here in 25 years to see them graduate. This experience really does buy you entrance into a club. Maybe in time I'll look at it more like an opportunity to connect with fellow humans at our most striped away, honest, vulnerable selves. Sharing grief, fear, receiving unexpected moments of love and kindness with strangers.
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yes Gatomal, I hear that. He just about made me lose it in the shop. DH is there now!
I let go of some fair weather pals. Do not miss them. Here, there is loads of emphasis on what you have, who you know, and what you look like. I have always hated that. Now that my youth and physical beauty in the popular sense is gone, it has stripped away any need of continued pretense. Very liberating! Maybe since I never was in the club, it is easier? Today I went out sans foobs and giving nary a F&ck. too warm for them and any haters can suck it.
I just want to say, you all are special, beautiful women. Never forget it.
And yes, how best to stay in touch? i am not a facebooke
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Wow Bippy and Gatomal, you put words to what I've been feeling. Letting go of fair weather friends, pretense and a lot of unnecessary baggage. I'm not done yet but I know this cancer journey has and is still changing me. Love, Jean
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I have no fair weather friends because my brain is so fried.(chemobrain) I cannot remember much. My world has become super small. I always have trouble with the gray in life . That is totally gone. I am only black and white. So,on that note I cannot tolerate people that tax my brain. I think I am rude. My BF says I am fine. I have no idea and I do not care. Sorry, I am so happy that I do not have to pretent to like people or pretend I do.0 -
Ditto regarding the pretense friends, the feeling after treatment. I tried to explain this to DH about feeling Abandon, going from 0 to 100 then back to 0, the safety net, etc. and just being tired. I still hurt like the dickens from RADs.
Very well said by each of you.
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We need to stick together.
And help see each other through the low days so we can move through them and on to the brighter ones!Amy, good luck with your surgery tomorrow.
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LadyB - Sorry you are still uncomfortable. Should get better soon.
Amy - Good luck tmrw.
Ellenpg - I think I have been a little rude sometimes myself. I have very little patience with nonsense. I really just don't care about the small stuff and detailed stories. Just get to the point or they lose me. Lol
Cassiecat - Lets all figure out a way to stay in touch. I am on FB but I know not everyone here is. We can create a follow up after Cancer group on the boards. just thinking.....
Gatamol - Give yourself a break. After all you just delivered twins and still going thru all this crap. You are pretty awesome in my book. Dam, you even kept ur hair.... Lol
Hang in there ladies, it's all down hill to the finish line now. We kicked cancers butt
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I would love to stay together. Anyway is fine with me.
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Good morning, everyone. I think Amy has surgery today - good luck! I am down to my final 5 rads - 3 regulars and 2 boosts. I had a good ob-gyn visit yesterday. It was uncomfortable, but the fibroid has shrunk some, and my uterus is at more of a 9-week pregnancy size now. Chemopause is helping, I guess - less estrogen means less for the fibroid to feed on. Today I get my teeth cleaned and checked.
Small brag on my DD: one of her friends at ballet has been feeling down for quite some time. This young woman doesn't have an easy life, from what she's shared. She really likes the homemade snickerdoodle cookies that my DD likes to make, so yesterday she made a batch and brought her a dozen. Her friend shared on Facebook her gratitude. I am glad my DD showed her friendship through action. Sometimes, the small things really mean a lot. I think we all know that.
There's an older woman at rads who goes just before me and is just starting out. She seems very shell-shocked, which I can relate to. I am going to leave a little note of encouragement in her cubby today. I know with privacy acts and all that I shouldn't know who she is, but I hear the techs talking with her and I can see which cubby's gown is missing when I get there, so I know which one is hers.
I know we're not all on Facebook, so I don't know what the best idea is to stay connected, other than keeping our thread here going or start a survivorship thread, like Catie57 suggested. If you're on FB and want to be friends there, send me a private message here and I'll let you know my real name.
I have to warn you though - you'll see me liking a lot of things related to cats and dogs and animal shelters, lol.0 -
Hi!
I started chemo in early September, but since this thread is more active, I have been following everyone's progress here. I got what I assume is another gift from chemo this week. My big toenails turned black this week. One day they looked "new normal" and the next day black--like they got pinched in a door or something. Seriously?! Just in time for flip flop weather! Why all the uglies? Ugh.
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DaisyQ - Bummer about the toe nail. Have you tried Tree Tea Oil Soap from Trader joe's? I used it every day on hands and feet everyday. Can't hurt at this point, actually may help
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F- -K CANCER0 -
catie love that pic!Total beauty and freedom. Today we are here!
Cassie. I love the idea of a note, and love that you have taught your daughter kindness too. There isn't enough in the world.
Amy prayers and hugs to you today! Hope you are not in any pain. Keep the drugs coming.
Eileen, hugs to you.
My surgery is 3/31, next Tuesday, first case. I meet with RO Monday afternoon, and then get the old dye in the boob injection after. Hugging my kids extra tight this week. want to make sure I see them again Wednesday when I hopefully get home. Love you all strong sisters.
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Gatomal= Lumpectomy is not big deal. You will fly through it. I promise. The blue dye is crazy. Who thought that up? I assume that is what you mean. It feels really hot and strange. Passes quickly. GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!! I am with you in spirit. HUGS!!!!!!!
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Eileen...I'm geting a bilateral reduction and lift too with an ALND. I'm fighting a cold today. Hoping I dontget cancelled.
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Praying for you Gatomal. Love, Jean
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thanks Jean, how are you doing?
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Gatomal= Feel better. I hope you don't get cancelled either. If I lived nearby I would babysit for you. Good luck!!!
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Ok now that my brain can comprehend what my husband says he's been telling me, my doctor's decision doesn't sound as bad. He has me on antibiotics right now and if it comes back as infected, he will give me more. Removing my implants is a last resort, IF the antibiotics don't work. So while he didn't do everything right, its better than my brain could understand yesterday
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Catie, love the photo!
Gatomal, good luck next Tuesday.
Amy I hope the antibiotics do the trick for you.
I'm in the chair now for herceptin #10. Should be done in about 5 minutes.
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Catie that photo is awesome.
Gatomal you got this!!!! Good luck!
Amy I hope the antibiotics are working and you're feeling better.
Thanks everyone for making me feel like I'm not alone in feeling kind of down and crappy lately!
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had pelvic ultrasound and ca-125 today along with appt with MO to discuss what I do for follow ups. Naturally I cried...I was doing so good until MO gave me a hug and said congratulations.
No mammogram s No breast Mri s. Blood work and pelvic ultrasound s every 6 months until I get ovaries out. I see breast surgeon in ONE Year! PS in 3 months. I feel like it was such an abrupt ending to a very crazy 9months. Still have 6 week s of radiation to get through but seems surreal to think of getting past this nightmare. I know I am going to freak out over every ache and pain or cold that lasts just a little too long...l hope that will fade.
Deep breaths radiation simulation next week. L
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Nurseshark= rads are a breeze. You will fly through it. I loved my techs and it was over before I knew it. All my best. LOVE YOU LOTS.0 -
nurseshark - glad you had a goodappointment. It is so surreal being "done." I didn't do rads but am my second month of hormonal therapy.
Good luck next week.
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go nurseshark! Keep us posted about rads. Is there a rads board you are joining? I meet with my RO Monday. Go hug your gorgeous baby Levi
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Nurseshark, so glad you will be through with so many appointments. The girls seem to think rads will fly by for you! I haven't had radiation so I'm voting with them.
Amy, so sorry you are having problems. I was on oral antibiotics for over 6 weeks, after a few days on iv vanc. Surely it will work for you. I would hate for you to have to have surgery. Have they CT your implants to look for infection pockets? That is how they accidentally found my lung mets.....but they were going to place a CT guided drain to help get rid of the deep infection. But as it turns out, it was superficial and I only needed all the oral.
Had Dr. Visit yesterday prior to chemo-lite (herceptin and perjeta). We reviewed my CT from Tuesday. He was happy with the results....no progression, said was Stable. There are 5-6 measurable cancers still showing.....but he still thinks that great compared to the 50 last August.
I am happy for no progression, but fearful the H&P won't keep the beast away and I'll be back on big chemo. Sometimes don't you just get tired of people saying you'll be cured ........
Love to all our Ladies
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