"Hail Mary" miracles
So I'm sitting here in the hospital, wondering how I went from some shortness of breath to possibly the End of the Road. It really wasn't so bad before, but now I can't breathe and they act like it's no big deal. I am literally struggling for breath, but they say the oxygen level in my blood is too high, so it is okay that my pulse ox is 90. In the meantime, I'm breathing like I just ran a marathon, and this is after having a little nap! I was previously in a hospital that was new and small and everyone was fabulous. But they don't do chemo there. So now, I'm in a horrid, industrial place where everyone is running around and acts stressed and really couldn't care what's going on because they've already decided you're going to check out (I mean die) any time soon, so what's the point?
On top of that, I have brain mets that they haven't had time to zap with gamma knife because they are more concerned with my breathing (not that you can telll) I am going to start Navelbine tonight (was supposed to be this afternoon, but you know these types of places_) I am all alone because my daughter and DIL left to go home and shower and nap. They will come back "if they can," which I don't blame them for. Who wants to spend an entire day after day keeping someone company who has no modesty. who has a catheter bag,who farts and pukes and all the rest?
I am not afraid to die. I figure that God has given me 5+ years of stage 4 life in which to raise my kids as much as I could, and I would be ungrateful to not try my best to be strong and as healthy as possible for them now. And if God takes me earlier, so be it. I will be with lots of loved ones who went before me.
But I can't help wondering...how many of you have known PERSONALLY or experienced PERSONALLY a Hail Mary treatment? What I mean is, when doctors have given up on you, hospice is called, and you're told there's no hope. And then, suddenly, a chemo starts working, and the person is NED or stable for the first time in a long time? I'd love to fantasize about it, but I doubt it will happen to me. I'm just stunned at the speed with which this cancer has grown in my lungs and probably brain and liver. Suddenly all those things I've been putting off seem so much more important, while other things I was planning on doing seem petty and useless.
Comments, if you have them?