STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER
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Swess honey, I’m sorry you feel trapped. I felt trapped in a bad marriage years ago, with two small children, so I can relate a little. Of course, I wasn’t stage 4, which probably changes everything. I don’t know where you are or what your situation is, but if you really want a divorce, there may be resources to help you. I know there was free legal advice and help when I started looking. There was a lawyer who helped me fill out the paperwork to get the ball rolling. Being stage 4, perhaps you could go on disability? That would be some financial stability. Again, I don’t know your whole situation, but I feel for you.
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Thanks, cpeachy. The stage 4 was a game changer, definitely. Between treatments and side effects, it’s just not possible for me to work at this time.
I was so angry last night, I said horrible things to him in an attempt to get him to leave. He won’t go. He’ll never leave this house and told me so outright. So this morning I feel a bit of guilt for the things I said, and I’m hoping we find a way to coexist. At least until or unless something changes.
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he'll never leave this house as in you won't get the house? Coexisting in a marriage isn't right. And you shouldn't feel bad for blasting him. That's how you feel.
Apply for social security disability. There's a thread in the financial employment forum here that gives the best link to a forum on ssdi. Stage 4 are fast tracked through. I'd apply now. Gl
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Swess, I'm in a coexisting situation myself. I left DH for three years just before my dx. I was 62. That really woke him up. I moved back into the house we own and we do ok. He does all the housework, shopping, cooking, dishes, cleaning, laundry, everything. I also have MS so him doing it all is required. Recently, we got a dog and it is the first time we have something in common we really care about. That is helping. We don't do anything together except watch TV at night. I don't have any advice really. Just know that you are not alone in this mess. I bet it is pretty common. I have had SSDI since I was 52. Now, I'm 69. When you turn 65, SSDI turns into retirement SS. Amount doesn't change. Unless you made a very good salary, it is not enough to live on. Not even close.
PM me anytime.
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First post under the steam room but i've read practically all of yours. After a glorious six weeks, on the roller coaster again. Went to the doctor yesterday and he sent me for another round of herception/perjeta. In the process of making all the doctor appointments, the new biopsy appointment, you know how it goes. My mind is going a million miles an hour. The chemo nurse says to me, you need radiation. That will be what helps you. Get radiation.
Okay, thank you but I didn't ask you.
Then she's going over some medical history and out of nowhere she starts grilling me about why I didn't have both ovaries removed. (I had one ovary removed that had a large cyst. This was planned with my doctor over several months) I don't need her opinion on my ovary.
Okay, at that point I stopped explaining.
I used to be so nice and before would have said something like okay, I'm looking into it or working on that with the doctor but I'm over it.
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We’ve mostly been coexisting for years. Sometimes it’s just a little overwhelming. And yes, he won’t leave the house meaning I can’t have it. I left him 13 years ago, and he refused to leave the house then, too. So I uprooted my 3 young children and moved out that time. Unfortunately he wouldn’t pay child support and I ultimately sank financially so I went back. He’s always been the breadwinner... until the last few years. I finally got my nursing license and started travel (local travel) nursing. It was my plan. My escape. My secret knowledge that when my youngest graduated high school, I would be able to leave guilt free and independent. Then MBC reared it’s ugly head last year. I’m in the process of applying for SSDI, but it will in no way cover living expenses
He’s not abusive. He is a good provider. But he makes me feel as if he absolutely HATES my oldest child, his step son. He knit picks and tries to control everything my daughters do. And I do mean everything. He mostly leaves me alone. But when he’s on some tangent about the kids, this indescrible fury overtakes me. He’s a very judgemental person, he lies about stupid things (I mean really stupid things!), and I don’t trust him with money. For example, 2 years ago we had a pontoon, 2 jet skis, 2 four wheelers, and a moped. Our toys. He has sold every single one of them and I have no idea where any of the money went. He sold our stuff and his dad bought a new pontoon and a camper. I kinda think he contributed to the cost, but God knows why. His parents are very well off. He says it’s like the boat and camper are “ours”, but they’re not.
I didn’t grow up with much and it was so important to me that my children have all the things I couldn’t. I know it’s cliche, but it’s true. I knew from the beginning (22 years ago) that we were a bad match, but we had children pretty quickly and so hobbled through it. Now they’re grown and I’m an invalid. Ugh. It’s not always bad. Just when it is, it’s really bad for me emotionally, because I did this to myself. I lost myself, I lost my pride and I began to identify with having nice things. So now I get to pay the price of living with nice things, in a coexistent atmosphere for the rest of my days... And I still want to live a long time!
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Swess, what state do you live in? You could seek legal advice. Sounds like you are entitled to 50% of all assets.
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If I rant on the ranting thread about censorship, will I be censored by the censors that did the censoring?
Isn't that an interesting question?
I created this space to be a no holds bard talk space.. You asked that it wouldn't be a political space. I gave way to that.
Just want others to know...........what the line is........cross a line they don't like..... and you get deleted
That's my rant
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wish there was a like button schatzi...👍
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Lula
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Friends-
I was just informed that Bluebird (Diane) passed away yesterday. So sorry to be the bearer of more sad news....
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oh goodness no..... too much sadness! Enough bad news about loosing sisters. Ty for telling us. I know we were worrying a lot. Fly sister, sweet soul. Kind beautiful woman. Not a good day. At all. Four terrible losses. ~M~no more pain sister.
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No anger, just a bitchy, whiny post about how it looks like I'm about to lose my hair again from my latest chemo. Losing it isn't the problem. The problem is that I'm an intensely private person (even my family isn't 100% privy to everything) and people take hair-loss as an open invitation to "share and care" and offer advice. I am really adept at frosting strangers out, but it honks me off that I have to! I'm generally a nice, friendly person, but I turn feral when my privacy is invaded, even if by well-meaning strangers! Yes, I have a wig, but my Gulf Coast home is one of the hottest and steamiest places on earth...I'd rather have the freedom to go about au natural without being stared at or embraced. I *envy* people with other terminal diseases that don't advertise their presence like a neon sign!
Thank goodness that my friends and family know not ask about something, that I will bring it up if I need them to know. My Rules of Order.
I do freely use humor and/or feigned clueless-ness to deflect comments, sometimes it works. Sigh.
Thanks for letting me get that off my chest!
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I feel your pain. But sometimes a "don't ask me or I'll kill you" attitude helps. I saw a lady at the cancer center on Monday who was rocking the bald look. And I wouldn't have dreamed of saying anything.
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I'd go bald, but it's still too damn cold out here. I have to wear a scarf or hat or my head freezes.
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So sorry to hear of Bluebird’s passing. She was a big part of these boards on BCO and always provided good input. Her personalized signature quote is one of my favorites. I know she would want all of us to continue in her footsteps with that quote:
"Every mistake I have made has proven to be invaluable information for someone. Namely, me." Me. Diane
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Yeah, I'm pretty good at the "don't ask or I'll kill you" 'tude .
Next week I'm going to get my hair buzzed to about a 1/2" and go from there!0 -
I am sad to hear of Bluebird's passing, as well..I hate this disease...
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Long rant. Probably ranted about it before and can't remember that I did so this will be a repeat rant. Next rant ... thanks to tamoxifen I can't remember shit. Seriously. But that rant is for another day (which I will forget about).
I HATE how this disease has made me a person of comparisons. How did this happen? Is it me or is it everyone else around me? It's absolutely insane that a tragedy can no longer be a tragedy but is instead judged on a sliding scale of pros and cons, judged against cancer. Let me explain.
I have a friend. Diabetic. Stubbed a toe and toe did not heal. Toe turned black. Shit went wrong. They took off toes. Then most of her foot. And as the badness kept spreading they took her foot off above the ankle. When infection set in days later while still in hospital they took MORE of that leg off, to just below the knee. She spent the next many months trying to recover. Healing for her is very slow because of her diabetes. When others would have been walking on a prosthetic, docs advised her to take things super slow and easy. They didn't want anything to anger or damage her stump. She has been miserable for a long time, mostly immobile waiting for her stump to heal really, really well.
Then the toes on her other foot began to get funky. They took off the front half of her remaining foot and MORE time was spent in recovery. She was getting on her foott, trying to balance on half a foot and one fake leg. Today she sent me a text. It said, "Back in hospital. Got infection. They took my leg."
My heart hit the floor. The change in her life is catastrophic. She cannot do anything for herself. Her Husband's life has changed. He has to do everything for her. They live in a house where you have to go up a flight of stairs to get to the living area from outside. They may have to sell their home and move somewhere else where she can function in a wheelchair.
And as I thought about this a thought edged into my head. The thought was, this is worse than cancer. At least for me, at this point, I can carry on with my life as before. Mostly. There are a few glitches and pains and lymphedema, but they pale in comparison to losing both your legs to diabetes.... COMPARISON! There is that dirty word. Comparison? Why is everything like that? Why can't my cancer be a tragedy, your cancer be a tragedy and her leg loss be a tragedy? I thought maybe it was just me thinking this way but no, I hear these words issue forth from the mouths of many people. I sometimes feel like I have to apologize for feeling shitty about my cancer because other people have it so much worse (they win) until my cancer comes back in my bones or brain ( ha ha, now I'm winning!) and then it will kill me (boo, I lose!) I wonder, do I have a right to feel bad in the face of much greater misery? Real misery and suffering. And yet I feel bad despite this and that makes me feel bad that I feel bad. I hate myself for hating myself. It's circular and stupid.
It staggers me sometimes, drops me to my knees, the misery humans can suffer. In their minds and in their bodies. It amazes me how humans overcome and conquer, how they get on with the business of getting on, good or bad, it must be done. I wish I didn't do that insane comparison, that questioning of whether or not I should be allowed to feel bad. Which only makes me feel bad. But right now I feel very, very bad for my friend. She is in a black place and I do not know how to help her.
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Runor---
BLESS YOU !!!!! DAMN, YOU HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD !!!!!!
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Therapygirl, I just saw your May 15 post, and wow, it sure hit home with me. I, too, have found the emotional impact of this disease very hard to deal with. Surgery I got through just fine, chemo I'm sure I can manage (though not looking forward to it!), radiation I can handle. The shock, the uncertainty, the disruption of my life -- those are the hardest things for me to endure, and some of the people in my life, including medical people who should know better, have NOT been willing to even listen to me when I try to talk about such things. Very unhelpful.
The best advice I have received is to have as little as possible to do with the people who are unwilling or unable to help you deal with the things that trouble you, and rely as much as you can on those who are willing to listen and try to help. In my case, one person who has been helpful is the social worker at the medical center where I am receiving treatment. She is my go-to person when I need someone to listen and help me deal with the stress of my situation. Another person who has been helpful is the nurse navigator for breast cancer patients. She's great if I need to find out who to talk to about something, or if I'm having trouble getting a question answered, getting an appointment set up, or getting something done.
You should not have to put up with people who make it harder for you to get through this. So, if you need a little empathy, encouragement, or just practical help, and you aren't getting it from the person who ought to be providing it, I suggest looking for someone who can fill the gap. Your "someone" might be a nurse, a fellow patient, your aunt Sue, your next-door neighbor, or, like me, you might find that there is a social worker or "navigator" available to you who can help you deal with all sorts of problems. This is not a total solution to the problem of insensitive, uncaring, or unhelpful healthcare professionals; you will still encounter them. But if you can find a way to work around them to get what you need, at least some of the time, it may make your life a little better.
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wow, sorry to hear about your friend. I'v said before I'd rather be in my shoes with shitty ses than my dads. Seems the falls he had have damaged nerves to where his left arm is useless and left leg isn't great either. He needs my brothers help for a lot of things now. At least im very functional still despite bad fatigue and memory stuff, achy joints, insomnia, etc. So many people have it worse than me and my care for them trumps my woe wes me, poor me ever time.
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Rocky and Therapy, hopefully there is a cancer support group that meets in your area. I found that very helpful my first year dealing with Mr Cancer. I don’t go much anymore, other than to help support the new people.
Not trying to defend them, but drs and even onco nurses in my area are so over-scheduled these days.
Palliative care docs can be a good resource too.
But it continues to be a struggle, no matter what.
L
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More like devastated. My dad has been suffering from left side weakness for about a year now. He sometimes loses his balance and falls. His left arm is basically useless. After tests ruling out things like stroke and ms (mri, nerve conduction test, emg) docs best guess is pls (Primary lateral sclerosis) which is kind of like the non fatal form of als. The disabilities are the same but als you have 1-5 years average and pls 10 to maybe even 20. I'm trying to find a motor neuron problem that doesn't necessarily progress and has treatment. None with these diseases. Neuro confirmed today the damaged nerves are causing the signal to move in some muscles not to work or fully. I have read nothing reassuring or hopeful with any if the mnd.
Anyone here know of anyone that can share a story about. Tia. I should change from rosabella to devastated. Love my dad more than life itself. Felt like i have a death sentence, in fact id take the bullet for him no matter what it is. Other than this he is in good health with 0 issues with anything else. He was always wowing his doc with his bp, cholesterol, playing tennis up to 78. He's 79 now.
😭
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holding your hand roseabella. I’m very sorry.
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Thank you micmel. You are so kind ❤
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Karrh, the Gulf Coast is a HOT MESS for sure. I miss living there but I don’t miss the humidity. Tho lately we have the same weather... dang rain.
This summer I’m contemplating shaving my head. I mean, the hot flashes are awful already, when it actually gets hot here... but I haven’t decided for sure yet. My hair is already thinning (and I’m not taking chemo, just Tamoxifen). Bald may be beautiful for me this summer
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Runor, I feel for your situation. As well as the others here. I've been away from BCO for awhile. It wasn't an easy thing to leave, considering you ALL understand so much more about this journey. First of all- F'k cancer. I'm not entirely sure that I am Ned; as per recent tests of my other, ahem, parts. Tamoxifen has been a Jekyll/Hyde. @Runor, you mentioned the memory crap. Boy are you correct. And, after a year, I subsequently had two strokes which has further impaired my thinking processes. In a Big way. It, (cancer/surgery/chemo/tamoxifen) has next to destroyed so much of me. I scream, I yell, I get thoroughly pissed off some days. And marital issues that I can't EVen..not now anyway.
Tamoxifen has been linked to ovarian and or uterine probs. I did not decide to have a hysterectomy or anything else. Now, I'm looking at biopsy next week of said parts. I canNot wrap my mind around losing what's left of my femaleness!! Even if it's not 'C' I know they want me to have surgery. Tamox threw me into early menopause. Ugh. And it's been a loong road filled with potholes. I also used to love Sudoku - and by all rights, was really good... I can't even do the easiest ones now!
I've had two sons marry. Another miraculously survived a head-on w a tractor trailer, and is a brand new papa. My youngest thinks I've lost my mind...lol... He's almost right!
I'm broken hearted over the losses here. Hence another reason this is difficult.
Guess I'll end my rant. Ladies, I have missed many of you, and look forward to getting re/aquainted and visiting with newer sisters.
Thanks for listening... Big ((hugs))!
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I hate it too. I hate the disease I hate the treatment I hate the worry. I want to feel really good again. Every part of "the journey" sucks.
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Meow, ME TOO!
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