STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER
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Really need to vent. Been really angry for a month over something my older brother said to me when I saw him while on vacation. Hubby and I are planning on retiring to where I was born when he retires from his job. So we started looking at properties while we were on vacation in late April/early May. Almost all of my family and people I knew back home, that we were able to see or talk to were very supportive of us retiring out there.
Not so much with my older brother!!!! My brother went so far as to tell me that we need to stay where we are because of: a) my health. b) we are outsiders and we won't fit in, even though I was born there! c) my hubby won’t be able to find a job out there! d) he acted like my hubby and I are rookies at buying houses! When he said that it really ripped my heart into shreds and made my hubby angry! Who gave him the friggin’ right to decide about what I should do with my life?
I know I may never be cancer free and I am at peace with that! He’s also wrong about my hubby and I on so many levels! Everyone we talked to about it said we would fit in and are not outsiders. They said I am still considered a local, even though I haven’t lived there since I was a little girl. He was dead wrong about my hubby not being able to find a job out there, my hubby signed up for job search sites and he has been getting flooded with job offers! My hubby and I are no rookies at buying a house or land. We know what we are doing and what questions to ask and what we need to do!
Ever since we got back from vacation, I haven’t communicated with my brother in any way. My brother has changed from the person I knew to a stuck-up jerk who thinks that the world has to run the way he thinks it should
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M0mmy, sounds like he's jealous! When people say things to my DH that he has no interest in hearing, he smiles & says " thank you for your interest in National Security". They are so puzzled by his response that they usually shut up. Might work with your brother ....
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Mommy, it sounds to me like your brother has some other reason for not wanting you there. None of those reasons he gave make any sense. Maybe he thinks you diminish his importance in the community or within the family in some way. Sounds like an arrogant jerk but he is your brother. Were you close to him in the past? Maybe talking about it with him would help. Holding in anger never does. Sorry you are dealing with this.
One question. If DH is retiring, why would he be looking for a job?
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My hubby would be semi-retired as he has to wait until he is 60 to receive his retirement pension from the Navy, hence why he would have to work.
I used to be very close to my brother, but since he got in with people who he thinks are “rich”, my hubby and I are “poor” and not “worth being” associated with. I’m not the only one in the family he has taken this attitude with. His wife used to be very nice to me and my hubby, but she has become the same way now.
It would be useless to talk to him about this issue because he would say it is all my problem and that “you do as I say or else!”
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Mommy - if I were you, I’d move in right next door and throw a series of ‘redneck’ parties, complete with beer kegs, hay bales, live music, chickens wandering through the crowd and plenty of screaming children up far too late for their own good. Make sure the parties are held on the front lawn.
Seriously though, we can’t choose family, or control their hurtful behaviours.You can however separate yourself from his insecurities and forge ahead with your plans. Sounds like there are enough folks in town to make a happy life for you and DH.
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MOmmy, your brother's opinion is worth exactly what you paid for it. I wouldn't give it one ounce of my energy. Who cares if you move to a small town? (Well, obviously, he does. But as of right now Brother's opinion doesn't count for squat.)
Heck, DH & I sold our house, gave away about 75% of our possessions and moved to a tiny town in North Georgia to live in our RV. His family thinks we've either lost our money or lost our minds. We have no relatives here and our only friends are fellow campers. No problem! Everyone in town greets us like long lost cousins, even inviting us to their BBQs and covered dish suppers. The librarian helps me use the scanner and fax machine for free. The guy at the donut shop knows what we want as soon as we step up to the counter. It's like Mayberry RFD and we love it. Best decision we ever made! I'm so glad we didn't let a few siblings talk is out of doing this.
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The town we are looking to settle down in where I was born is very small (like 600 people) and almost three hours from my brother! My hubby and I decided that we will associate with those that want us there. It’s my brother’s fault that he turned out that way and hardly anyone wants anything to do with him.
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Not sure how to feel. Really, not sure. Just had this conversation with my mother.
"I was in town and ran into So and So and he asked how you were doing."
"Oh yeah. That was nice."
"I told him you had a little run in with some breast cancer last year but now you're doing just fine."
A little run in? A LITTLE RUN IN ?!?! Sleepless terror, upset stomach, shaking hands, fear of death. Injection in nipple, blood tests, ultra sounds, more mammograms, a frickin wire the length of a coat hanger stuck in my boob, surgical biopsy, cancer, lumpectomy, hemorrhage, more surgery, long recovery, mentally wrecked, lymphedema, chronic breast pain and a lingering unknown thing in my boob that they're 'watching', daily results of tamoxifen. A little run in?
I have no words.
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A little run in? Sounds more like a multi-car pileup on a crowded interstate in CA with cars in all directions as far as the eye can see. No emergency vehicles can get through. But wait. A large group of tough looking men are coming to save you but they turn out to all be members of a Mexican drug cartel...
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Runor, playing the devils advocate here, would you have preferred her to tell the so and so that you are having a hell of a time with it? I have a bud that likes to tell the world about my medical history, every ache and pain. Now some folks approach me as if i’m as fragile as glass....very annoying. For me personally, I’d rather they not know at all, but if they do know, I want them to think I’m doing well. That’s just me though.
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Oh, gosh, Egads, you just described my mother. She once pulled my wig off to show a hairdesser--who I had only just met-- my 1/2" long hair. She wanted her to style it for me. Mother introduced me to all her friends and acquaintances as "My daughter C, the one that had the double mastectomy" at which point everyone looked right at my flattened chest. Yeah, thanks mom.
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Runor, you must have made it look like BC was nothing? Or your mother doesn't listen?
My sister told a cousin I've never met that I had "health issues". What gave her the right? She has health issues! I would have preferred she said nothing at all considering. What a blab she is.
Was just listening to Lars Larson on the radio. Suicide is the third leading cause of death. The first two are Cancer and Alzheimers.
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Isn't it amazing how insensitive our family members can be?
It’s like an old friend once said, “You can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your relatives”
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Or family members are nose pickers?
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Lol
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Mustlovepoodles - that story was a jaw dropper! I thought my friend was bad! Honestly don’t know how you managed to keep your composure! How did you react??
Mommy & Marijen, I had a friend that was fond of saying ‘I’m going to the theatre and picking my seat!
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I agree with egads, thought the same thing. I wouldn't want my mom to go through the pronlems i had with bc and cont to have, is she knew which mine does not. I wouldnt get hung up on the words. My mom is clueless as well and says and thinks things that are way off. That's why interaction with me is on my terms only and not often. I already have anxiety issues pre cancer and dont have it in me to use what little energy i have to fight something or get upset about it that i know will never change.
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I don't feel my cancer is or should be a secret. I am a very 'say it as it is' kind of person. I don't care if my mom tells someone I had cancer. What I do react to is the minimization, the invalidation and the dismissal of the situation. Examine the following two statements.
My daughter had breast cancer last year and it was a tough year, but she's doing better now.
My daughter had a little run in with breast cancer last year, but she's fine now.
One is honest without being over the top descriptive. The second makes a joke out of it.
Okay. I am a mom and I do not know how I would cope if my kid had a cancer diagnosis. I would freak right out. But my mom is The Queen of denial and the absolute master of saying exactly the wrong thing at the wrong time. It is her skill. She has, at every turn, acted like this cancer was no big deal and maybe that's what she has to do to cope. But that approach is pure death to me. That is not how I roll. And if she wants to act like I had my ears pierced or a mole removed, then please, for the love of god, don't repeat it to me in a phone conversation! It is hurtful and insulting.
If my doctors had dismissed my little run in with cancer I'd maybe be dead by now, or soon. It was a tsunami that I was not prepared for. I am indeed getting my legs under me again, until round two, which I fully expect. Will my mom be there asking if I'm having another little run in with cancer? Shoot me now!
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You reinforce why my family doesn't know. I know how they are so I keep a lot of stuff about me from them, for literally my sanitys sake. But if you cant, you need to shut her out. In one ear, out the other. My bro is great at this and im not bad at it either. Who cares whay mom and others say or think. Screw them. Vent here but dont carry it on your shoulder irl. Its not worth your mental health.
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Egads, I was stunned, to say the least. My mother has never had much of a filter, but in her old age it disappeared entirely. I gave her the benefit of the doubt because she was very ill with end-stage renal failure, so maybe the electrolyte imbalance made her do it. Probably not, just her usual modus operandi. But I did decide not to share my cancer issues with her after she told me emphatically NOT to have reconstruction because it her friend had recon "and she DIED!" She was convinced that recon causes cancer recurrence "and you don't need those titties anyway." Mother was an old Labor & Delivery nurse, so this, of course, made her an expert in everything including breast cancer.
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When I told my mom I had TN breast cancer she said, “you know it likes to go to the brain?”
Thanks Mom!!
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I think mothers are not supposed to say things like that and yet I believe my mother would have.
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Dont mean anyones mother here but some women shouldnt be mothers.
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I agree with that!
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Mommy, so sorry with the brother issue. My concern is how far from really good medical care. I moved to central Florida, Brevard county directly across from Kennedy Space Center in 1992. We checked out schools first and communiity. I never thought to ask about hospital /medical community. The community is great. The schools were superlative. But once we were settled in, I was in shock about what was available in the whole medical community. I'd grown up in Detroit----great hospitals and docs, then onto Cleveland---even better, then onto Akron,Ohio. Great and what wasn't there was available in Cleveland.
For really good care I think Orlando, Tampa, Gainesville, Jacksonville, Miami. Frankly, if I weren't a nurse I'd be dead. I knew how to seek out the best docs and treatments.
Just had two friends move up to Georgia
They moved to Thomastown. They bought a renovated 2500+ sq ft house for 62,000$. 10,000 people. I love the thought. But it has a very small local hospital and is an hour from any major facility. They are sisters 60 & 70. I find that scary.I so get the idea of moving back to our roots. Just a thought about access to good care.
Of course, you could just be miles from the most superlative care in the world
Where's Mayo?0 -
Just as an example of concern of living in the hinterland. Dear Twin was in a very small hospital the last week. 1. they didn't pick up right away that he CBC showed bone marrow suppression. 2. her port of 8 years clotted with a blood draw, they didn't know what Cathflo was and that it could be used with ports. They "looked it up" and said it could only be used with Piccs. From Florida, I'm saying ask about Cathflo and do they have a Hematoligist on staff. The next day she was transferred to a larger hospital for a hematologic evaluation.
They took out her port-------hmmm didn't attempt Cathflo........She ended up d/c in a couple of days, but no answer to bone marrow suppression. But her numbers got better. Oh, not on chemo, not on any new drugs, but Platelets were 45, RBC< normal(new), WBC showed three drops under normal over 3 days. But came up on last day to bottom normal. She was in Michigan. You get above Saginaw / Bay city, it's a medical wasteland until you get to Traverse City
That was the phrase I was looking for for my own county. Medical wasteland. Obviously, it's improved over the years. But not close to the big centers
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Sas, I would only be about a half hour from medical care. We had already been looking at that situation and talking to family members about the quality of care at the two hospitals we would with in reach of.
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Mommy, great. YAAY 1/2 hour is doable. When I moved from Akron in 1992, it just wasn't on my radar. Schools were the absolute priority. I had always lived where there were major medical centers. It was a shock when I realize how backward my county was.
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I went to a MH First Aid training yesterday. The speaker compared MH to cancer. Umm...no. Just no. Yes, I understand that it is hard for people to find analogies for mental health issues. Yes, I understand MH is underfunded and employees are underpaid. Yes, we need to do more for all of us with anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation, psychotic disturbances, PTSD and all other mental health issues.
However, it was so triggering to hear that. I literally had to get up and get out quickly. Then I got to a bathroom and sobbed. (Hello PTSD). And with 12.5% of the female population in the US facing this, not to mention those who have a relative or friend with BC, I think the training needs to be handled differently.
And please don't ask people to do physical exercises in MH training without disclaiming for disabilities. It's great that there are kinesthetic ways to remember the exercises. It's frustrating that it was, "Stand up and do this" with no...if you can, and if you want to sit, it's OK, too. I still cannot get my arms above my head.
I spoke to the trainer afterward, kindly, gently and respectfully and voiced my concerns. She understood in a heartbeat and the look of horror on her face when she realized....I know she won't ever make the mistake again. But the other trainers.....and then she explained that part of their literature actually teaches that comparison. Just....NO.
Am I overreacting? What do you ladies think?
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I heard one BCO member say that she need sometime off or something to cope with her recent diagnosis of breast cancer and her coworker looked at her and said "so what, I have to live with AFIB". Oh my God, no it is just wrong.
Cancer, is bad the treatment is bad and the outcome is uncertain. It can grow out of control and take your life. And that is the physical reality not even the emotional one.
I think it is not right to compare anything to cancer.
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