STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER
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I spend but not as nutty as before. I'm on Medicare but I'm not comfy assuming it'll be there the rest of my life. It may not get chopped all together but modifications usually are to our disadvantage.
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I do hope to keep a job and stay employer covered until I can get on Medicare. I should save for a supplemental insurance, we will need that!
Last night I slept a really long time. I think it was the heat we had over the weekend. Although I didn't go out in it more than I had to, it still took a lot out of me to stay cool. I did have quite a few sweats going on. My knees and hips hurt, I'm going for a walk now. Still getting used to this new normal, sucking it up and shutting up now! I have acceptance issues!
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I think I'm stuck with my Medicare Advantage plan. I like that it's just the Part B cost for a premium, and it includes the drug plan. I'm limited on choice, but I live in a city, so even the restricted choices are pretty decent. I looked into the supplemental plans recently, and I thought I saw something about needing to be five years cancer-free to be eligible. So, no.
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I'm not going crazy w/my spending, but I'm trying to enjoy going on mini-trips (can't fly b'cuz of brain mets and possibility of brain bleeds).
I figure you can't take it w/you.
L
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Hubby and I take mini-trips to clear our heads. Last year, we did a lot of day trips between surgeries, tests, appointments, and radiation, plus a few half-week trips, one shortly before my nephrectomy, and one when I was healing but before starting rads. I'm so glad we did those because instead of looking back over last year just being one medical thing after another, I remember the trips instead. Most of the time.☺
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I had to sell my house so I paid off all my debt once it sold.
I have to make the money last the rest of my days so the only thing I allowed myself was a small treadmill in my apartment. I bought it as a way to combat all my depression and grief issues. I was also having panic attacks which was SCARY. I have found I feel mentally strongest when being physical so I want to take advantage of that as long as my body will allow. I live on my own and must rely on myself to monitor my mental state. I justified the purchase that way for myself.
I am frugal when it comes to eating out, groceries etc. I have not got much interest in clothes or wigs. I am more interested in investing now that I am able so I have become a saver instead of an emotional spender. The financial investments and finding ways to save money added with the treadmill walking have finally cut down on the number of panic attacks and crying bouts. It makes life worth living again. If I had to live in the depressive state all the time, I would have halted treatment for quality of life issues. I am unmarried and have no children who depend on me. I knew I did not want drugs and had to reach out to my professional supports as well but the exercise has helped the most.
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Mara- You sound like me. I too live alone, unmarried, no children. I bought a cheap treadmill last year- no video of trails, just turn it on and walk. I don't use it as much as I should. But I try to walk once or twice a week. I too am frugal. Eat out sparingly with a friend. Hate to go to restaurant alone. So I eat at home watching TV. And I too think my money needs to last for what future I have. I am off work now- medical leave- and planning on applying for SSD. Depression is there also, but I am managing.
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I am managing. Finding walking in short 5 minute bursts more beneficial. Have got up to 3.2 mph which for me is FAST. I view those short fast walks more beneficial for adding energy to my fuel tanks.
This morning I woke up after 4 hours sleep feeling quite groggy and weepy. A late night usually means a bad day for me. I tried a slow 20 min walk but that did not cut it. Had a quick bowl of cereal and started the 3 to 5 minute high speed bursts. It's like putting gas in my tank. Feel much better. No point doing long slower walks. Will stick to short throughout the day to modulate both energy and my mood. No drugs for me as I don't want side effects and I know my main problem is grief. Drugs don't take it away, I have to keep working through it. Exercise helps, I have a volunteer on Fridays. We just go out like regular friends, do some mall walking, coffee and grocery shopping but even this once a week has helped.
I don't knock the sitting and watching tv. I've been watching the old Wonder Woman show from the 70's. It was cheesy but a lot of fun to me.
I also found a laughter yoga group via skype in my area. Does not cost anything. Going to try it out tonight and see if doing it sort of in person is different than youtube. The fake laughing helps release endorphins as the body cannot tell the difference between fake or real laughing. That has helped me too. I need to look after myself instead of waiting for people to do it for me.
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Forgot to add, mine is a tiny one as my apartment is maybe 500 sqft. No trails, I do have to hang on as my balance is not good since my brain mets but I can live with that. If I want to walk a virtual place I use youtube. I usually go between walking in California, nature trails or New York. I can't honestly travel to these places as with my dx, I would be unable to get insurance to cover me and with my luck, something would happen in another country. Virtually is the closest I will get but I am OK with that. My treadmill also does not incline so I did invest in a step bench to do some stairs. There are stairs in my building but they are really wonky. Would not be safe for someone like me. I try to adapt to more things. I just find it hard because I have spent almost 50 yrs acting the same way, other people usually helped me out. Working was always my social outlet and I was good at my last couple of jobs but when the cancer went into my brain, that was no longer an option. I am also very short on frustration and explode quite easily. Sometimes that is shouting, sometimes that is crying. I am getting better at taking care of it but can't imagine being around customers at this stage, even if my health status stayed stable for a longer period of time. I would be verbally abusive and get fired immediately.
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Mara- I usually walk on my treadmill for 30 minutes at a time, but a slow walk 1 MPH. So in 30 minutes 1/2 mile. If I am feeling frisky I may bump up to 2 MPH for some time, but I get winded easily. I want time/length vs speed. I don't want drugs for the depression/grief either. No more side effects of meds and like you said the drugs aren't going to change the situation.
Little House On The Prairie or The Waltons for me. LOL.
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Candy678, we both have found what works for us. I have not bothered trying to watch tv at a slower speed but may try it sometime. I just listen to music when I go fast and short. I also do it for at least 90 mins in total. I think I will try a combo of both. I love to watch movies or my soap myself.
Glad to hear you enjoy those shows. I never watched the Waltons but Little House on the Prairie was big for me. As a kid, my mother had to force my brothers to let me watch it. I also read all of the books as well.
Nowadays, I watch my soap, netflix movies, wonder woman and old 80's cartoons as well for the most part. I enjoy the cartoons from time to time. Silly but fun.
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Today I received my pathology. 4 of 8 removed nodes were still cancerous after chemotherapy. I wonder why I made chemo. That is my complaint today
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Hi, Yndorian1. I had a similar experience-- more cancerous nodes after chemo than before chemo. Twice as many! I could feel the nodes getting bigger. When I completed chemo, my oncologist said that ER+ tumors do not usually respond well to chemo. I had the same reaction as you did--Why bother to do chemo if it doesn't work!?
Nevertheless, I am still here and doing absolutely fine at almost 4 years after surgery, even though (for complicated reasons) I am not doing the recommended hormone therapy that is supposedly the most important thing to avoid a recurrence.
I am sending you wishes for comfort and strength, and a wonderful life ahead for you and your family.
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Toscaxoxo: Thank you very much for posting that! As you can imagine, my mind went anywhere ...
Good health and all the best for you too. Hugs!
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Yndorian1,
Well crap to that. You have every reason to vent/complain today.
Consider though that those nodes were just doing their job - rounding up and holding onto all the cancer cells that entered your lymphatic system, stopping them from travelling any further. Now those nodes are out and gone, along with all the cancer that they trapped.
Wishing you every success with the rest of your treatment plan!
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Yndorian - I hear you. I had three cancerous nodes still after chemo, and my tumor went from 2.8 to 2.1cm. Seemed like a waste of hair. Best of luck with rads.
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Sportymom~. There is a lot of wisdom on this thread already, so I’ll just add something someone told me after my 1st diagnosis; you just have to get to the other side- it doesn’t have to be pretty.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve repeated that to myself. It gave me permission to let myself be not okay at times, but then I picked myself up, dusted myself off and continued to put one foot in front of the other.
You will get through this.. one day, one hour at a time.. and you know what, you’ll be back offering words of wisdom to someone else before you know it. That’s the magic of this site.. we have all been exactly where you are and know exactly how you are feeling. Bookmark this page.. these ladies (and gentlemen) will be a very valuable lifeline. As much as friends or spouses want to understand, unless you’ve heard those “you have cancer” words, they just don’t get it. We do
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Sorry to hear the bad news and hopefully they can treat you more to get that kicked.
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ER+ does respond to chemo. It's the grade. Grade 3 responds the best to chemo...
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I'm sorry about those pathology results Yndorian1. Healing thoughts coming your way.
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Yndorian, sometimes there is just nothing to say. I wish I was with you. I'd just sit there and drink coffee and say nothing. I am so sorry about this shitty news. Yo tengo no palabras. (I do not speak Spanish!)
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Yndorian, 😯 😕
Joining runor in the cup of coffee, may any further treatment be very successful!
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finallyoverit,
Many thanks for your words of support. This diagnosis and waiting makes everything very hard. I come to this site almost everyday and while I don’t post my complaints or accomplishmentseveryday the sense of love and community gives me strength.
Thanks to you and all who have provided your guidance, advice, wisdom, and love. It truly makes a remarkable difference.
One day at a time. I will update my diagnosis fully when I get my scans back.
Hugs to all of my sisters and brothers here.
Wendy
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Thank you all for your comforting words. 💟
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Taking a moment to rant that today is one of those days I don't want to get myself up and brush myself off. The SEs of this AI are having cumulative effects on my body. Slowly, gradually, not feeling myself. I was away in early July and it was wonderful. I did take my meds with me. So is this all in my head? Can't get back into a good groove. If I don't move I hurt, when I hurt I want to smoke. So what if I don't feel like moving 24 hrs. a day, 365 days a year?!! Never mind the constant brushing strands of hair off my arms/clothes, cleaning drains and brushes, the random running nose, and god forbid don't ever over eat and tax your GI system down any further now that's is so much slower than before. And the Water!! I'm so sick of water I wanna spit! I'd rather drink myself into a wine coma!
Thank you/rant over.
Y-sorry about your recent news. Hope you get a good treatment plan.
I should probably take a little break from the site and come back being more supportive, understanding, and maybe even helpful to any of you instead of being a putz.
Peace all.
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Ctmnsikia: thank you! And you are using the thread for what it was created. I don't think you have to apologize at all 😘
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Ctmnsikia:
I am so tired of the SE of AI's and how incapacitating they can be at times. I move everyday and I have a plan for each day to keep myself active but I have started to rank which joint(s) have/ has dominance today. It differs from day to day but my knees lately have been the winner by a mile; followed by hands, feet, hips and back on a rotational basis. As far as water goes, I second your rant and to me a wine coma sounds inviting. Wine to top off a whine works for me. You are not a putz by any means, just honest.
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I am reading about others struggling with AI drugs and I can relate. I never saw data that convinced me it was effectively fighting my cancer from recurring. I did 4 years and I can honestly say I am not sure I would do it again. You make a choice I am glad I quit because it affected my health to an extent it was not worth the supposed benefit.
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