STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER
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Than you Beesie
I've calmed down a little. Still not sorry for being angry, but calmed down enough to try to file it away under “nothing I can do about it."
But I WILL advocate for myself AND others. I am in charge of my Treatment Decisions now. And it does reassure me. Whatever the outcome, choices will ultimately be mine. There isn't a lot I can control about this but what I can, I will.
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I didn’t have any pain. The only sign I believe that something was wrong was when I dropped weight like overnite without really trying.
Diane
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A few weeks ago at my regular MO visit, I mentioned I was have pretty bad joint pain in one foot. This happened with Arimidex and tamoxifen and was bad enough to stop. Currently on ibrance/letrozole. So he says he’d move me to faslodex, but continue letrozole until that was approved. Ok. Finish visit, go out to make next appts and schedule a port flush.
Got letter from insurance and call from office, been approved. Go Monday for flush. We don’t have authorization for flush, you’re here for shot. Nope!!
Somebody in that office took it upon herself to wipe that flush off the schedule and put me in for shot. Second time this has happened.
I’m beyond mad. Now I have to make another long drive to office for flush. I’m going to start keeping the visit paper they print for me, so when it happens again, and it will, I’ll show them and make them deal with their high handed ways now in person
And I didn’t get the shot. During my off week from ibrance the pain decreased a lot. So maybe this time it wasn’t the AI.
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Is it the pending holidays or are families always a problem? I love my sister, but... She is very opinionated and has no trouble sharing her thoughts. Recently I sent her a picture of myself and my DH at the base of a waterfall after a mile hike to get there. Her comment was that my eyebrows were too dark. This is a woman that does not have cancer, has professionally shaped eyebrows and has had surgically lifted eyelids. She could not keep that thought to herself and just say, “Wow! Congrats on the hike!” Even this morning I shared with her that I was making a couple of dishes to take to a pot luck luncheon. Her comments were that one sounded selection sounded awful. Why not say, “glad you feel well enough to cook and to drive an hour for a luncheon”. Oh well... Someday I will tell her this is why none of her children or theirspouses want to come to her house for any holiday. Everything is so very negative.
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would the term "judgemental" better describe your sister? because I was thinking opinionated and negative don't adequately encompass the personality trait present in the examples of your sister's behavior. I just googled judgemental and found this Judgmental people have three common traits: They are overly critical, they show no respect for the person they criticize, and they justify what they say because they believe it is the truth. People can become judgmental due to their pride, their hurt and anger at being wronged, and a lack of love for others. I was thinking that instead of remarking the next time (and there will be a next time)n she gives an unasked for critical opinion, that that is what is driving her family away, perhaps you could model an appropriate response like the ones you provided. Like, sis, why couldn't you just say.......
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Some people feel so insecure in themselves they look to criticize others to avoid looking at the faults in their own lives. Cancer makes you realize what is important in life. Eyebrows is not one of them. Living as much as you are able to is important. She has not experienced that herself and can't see past herself to realize how great you did dong that hike. Don't let her get you down. You are awesome and did that great thing!!! Celebrate your accomplishment! Good for you!!!!!
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I'd have probably turned that dumb eyebrow comment around and said "THANK YOU! I love how they look, too!"
And hope it gives her a huge headache.
😈
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I have begun saying "Wow, what an odd thing to say to me."
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Thanks for the ideas! I do plan on talking with her. The problem is she lives in Texas and I live in South Carolina, so it has to be over the phone. It is difficult when you cannot see someone’s face to read their emotional response. I do feel she acts out of problems in her life that she does not look at with any kind of understanding. I tried to talk with her once about therapy and she cackled in my face. Seems she does not believe in “that kind of thing”. She is a loving person. Just very judgmental and not afraid of oversharing. I am also a bit of an enabler. I try not to make my diagnosis a daily topic so often people do not think about it.
Just another day in paradise
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JCSLibrarian, you can video call via Skype using a computer or a phone, if you both install Skype. Available for iPhone and android; bigger picture with desktop computer. That might help you to see as well as hear her.
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In my opinion, this was very passive-aggressive. I think she is mean.
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CSLibrarian: You have a mean, judgmental, self-centered sister.
Yes, indeed, congratulations on the hike! I hope you had a great time and made some wonderful memories. I hope you framed that lovely picture and display it prominently in your home.
Also, I'm so happy you're cooking multiple dishes and driving an hour for a luncheon. I hope you had a great time. Be sure to make that dish again if your sister ever happens to visit your home.
I would eat "that selection" just because you made it and you think it's delicious, which it probably is.
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Mominator & Cowgirl, I’m with you. Sister is mean spirited. Scratch beneath the surface and you’ll find profound insecurity. She is critical of others to try to “even the playing field”. She feels bad about her so she needs you to feel bad about you. The arrogance is just for show.....not genuine. Take care of yourself and develop a shield for your sister so her bullshit just bounces off. It helps me to start saying in my head “blah, blah, blah”.
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Yoga, love the bkah, blah blah idea.
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Judgemental or mean, what gets me about those sorts of people is the pure, yellowbellied cowardice. I can almost respect a mean person, if they own it. If they recognize it, name it, claim it and wear it like a mink coat. But to say something deliberately mean and then shrug it off with "I was just joking", "I didn't mean anything by it", "You're always so sensitive", THAT sort of shit makes me homicidal.
Now and then after some social event Hub might tentatively say to me, that was sort of a nasty thing you said to So and So. Damn straight it was! So and So had irked me (or whatever) so I said what I said, it was meant to be mean, it was delivered to be mean and I did not, in any way, try to paint myself with the brush of joking or trying to make a 'helpful constructive criticism'. No siree. When I am MEAN to someone, they know it! The very LEAST I can do for the less intelligent is make my meanness plain enough for them to grasp it. It's the only decent way to be a bitch, really.
It's true that if you scratch the surface of these people you'll find insecurity and a poor self imagine blah, blah, blah, gag. Is it my job to run around scratching other people;s surfaces? Is it my job to delve into all the pathetic excuses why someone is being a passive aggressive coward asshole? No! No! That is THEIR job to figure out why they can't outright express their peevish resentment and gnawing anxiety. It's their job to see a therapist and find out why they are honesty constipated. Because when someone makes a remark about your eyebrows, they are being constipated about their vile and ugly feelings. That is THEIR problem. Theirs to figure out, theirs to solve. All I need to know is that I do not need to tolerate nor allow into my life such people. And if the response they get is, " go to hell, Betty, I guess dark eyebrows should be reserved for people with lots of chin hair. Like you. ." then they richly deserve it. I am sorry this happened to you and sorry your sister sucks.
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Ooh, I'll have to remember the "blah blah blah." Or the sound they use in the Peanuts cartoons when adults talk, "Wa wa WAA wa wa!" Or pretend The Annoyer is speaking a language I don't know, and give her/him a blank, slightly puzzled look.
Too bad there isn't a mute button to use on people when they say something stupid in person.
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runor, my point about the insecurity was not to suggest it is to excuse away bad behavior, but rather to recognize that these types of comments say everything about the speaker and nothing about the receiver.
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Yogatyme, that comment was not aimed at you, although I see how it could feel that way. I was trying (and not managing) to convey that our society / culture is too quick to NOT lay responsibility at the feet of people who are indeed responsible. The shit that comes out of a person's mouth, is their responsibility. I'm sure you've heard someone say to you, about someone else who is behaving like a troll, "Oh that's just the way they are" as if they can't change or we all have to just sigh and suck it up because the way they are is carved in stone and unchangeable. We act as if people are not capable of change. I look at it this way. We were all born shitting our pants and eating with our hands. If our mothers were able to potty train us and show us how to use utensils to fill our faces, then EVERYTHING ELSE ABOUT US is able to change, at any time. The only people who have as an excuse 'that's just the way I am'; are those who are born so broken that they never learn to not shit their pants and never learn to eat with utensils. We very quickly excuse away the horrid behaviour of people who should be held accountable for their crap. My point was in the general sense and not at all meant to make you feel like I was aiming at you. Sorry that I was not more clear. (bad communication skills, I''m owning them!)
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runor, i hear you. Excusing away bad behavior is also a pet peeve of mine. We are becoming more and more guilty of it as a society and don’t even get me started about kids not being held accountable
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I enjoy the honesty in this thread. It is possible to misinterpret and/or misunderstand the written word through no fault of the writer. The world is very much ready to pounce on a person for anything said.
I agree that people can change. I have certainly had numerous learning experiences that have caused me to redirect my thinking. Admitting mistakes, living without judgment and forgiving others are all learned behaviors. The problem is some people learn them and some do not! Having a possible end-of-life diagnosis has certainly changed me in many ways. Hopefully some of them are for the better.
Keep up the great comments and support! You all are wonderful!!
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Runor, you are my spirit animal! Or possibly my separated-at-birth sister. Or both. Your posts are my thoughts exactly and are worded PERFECTLY! "The very LEAST I can do for the less intelligent is make my meanness plain enough for them to grasp it. It's the only decent way to be a bitch, really" is my new mantra!
Our families appear to be one in the same. I am so done with mine that there was actually a small part of me that was glad when I was told I would need chemo, because that would mean I could completely avoid seeing any of them during the holidays. Yes, they're that bad. To the point that the only relative I like is my sister-in-law, who has driven two hours to be at my side every time I have a cancer related procedure. Anyone actually related to me by blood can't be bothered. "Oh, you'll be fine" is their standard response to any information about what's going on with me. So my sister-in-law has been promoted to full sister, and everyone else is about to be written off!
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JCSLibrarian, I have a brother that sounds a lot like your sister. He took great pleasure in putting me down, making fun and I always used to fall into the trap of taking it personally instead of brushing it off. Standing up for myself would not work and he would take pleasure in poking at me until I yelled or cried so he could say I was stupid. This went on from the time he was a teen and most of our adult years. After my mother passed away, he allowed his wife to verbally abuse me so I put my foot down and said they would not hear from me again. There are times letting go of people is better than putting up with it or fighting with them. I have cut him and his immediate family right off and largely don't give them a thought. I wish them a good life but cannot have any of them in my life. Not worth the stress. Life is peaceful and there is no one causing toxicity like I used to deal with.
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I'm uncomfortable when I see people don't know what to say to me. So I change the subject. Relieves both of us. I struggle what to say to my dad. He hates to see me upset so I sound ok on the phone. When he talks about the prison he is now in I don't know what to say. He's not going to get better. He's miserable. What the hell uplifting can you say except love you. If I talk too much about his situation to him, it'll both just make us more upset. So we don't. No one wants to upset the other. I'm pretty sure dad's PT and now friend has told him not to bring me down as I've had meltdowns over his situation. My situation never really bothered me. I'm a whatever type for myself. But dad or other loved ones, no way. I'm in the torture chamber too even though I know there's nothing I can do to improve his mobility. Sucks ass.
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I don’t get mean people, they seem to delight in being nasty. And I think life is too short for that crap! Had a friend recently be a real pill so I called her on it. Usually I ignore, but I was really hurt and thought she needed to know how I felt. Really didn’t even fizz on her. Meanwhile my cousin is in ICU fighting for her life. Why dontthese people get what really matters?
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- I had the need to let off steam with my best girl friend ... I recognize that I was having a bad day. I told her that I will have to live the rest of my life with the fear of recurrence, that I will not be able to teach yoga again because my arm was damaged by surgery and radiation, that I am in risk of lymphedema, that tamoxifen causes me insomnia, joint pain and possible vision, endometrial and Alzheimer's problems in the future, that I will have to take care of the sun in my skin (that I love so much), that I can no longer work hard in the garden as before ... I explained all the side effects of the treatments. Her reaction was: "Why do you victimize yourself that way?
I think there are people who are unable to put themselves in each other's shoes
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Euphoriaa, so sad that she thinks you are victimizing yourself when you are simply stating the reality with which you now live and much of which most of us share with you. Granted my view is rosier some days than othets...
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Sometimes it seems that we are not allowed to have bad days like everyone else does, like after going through Cancerland™, we're supposed to be so STRONG from now on. Or that we used up our share of down days and aren't allowed any more of them. Bullcrap.
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AliceBastable so true. I'm sure the rest of you will be nodding your heads on this--I'm over being told how strong I am, how brave, etc. Look. I didn't have a choice, no one with cancer or any other potentially fatal disease has a choice. We got thrust in it, we can't get out of it so the only way out is through. That's not being strong or brave, that's just going through treatment. No adjectives needed.
Euphoriaa, it sounds to me like you are grieving. I for one honor where you are, and know it's a terrible place to be, contemplating those kinds of losses.
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I totally agree! People keep asking me when my treatments will be over (It has now been a year!). When I explain that treatment will continue forever, they look at me with confusion. Other people are cured. What about the five year thing? And on and on. I have no choice but to put a smile on my face and soldier on. Part of me wants to feel worse so people will understand I am sick, but that is not my nature. Instead, I slap my wig on and go Christmas shopping with lots of hand sanitizer. Oh well! At least I have this group for support and keeping me sane while I attempt to navigate what is left of my life.
Thank you all for being here
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I am so sick of the drama going on surrounding my step-grandad. I have had several calls this week about this from my mom. A certain family member got mad at my mom because of something my younger brother did and my mom said that my brother is an adult and she doesn't control who he talks to or what hedoes. It then proceeded in my direction that I was to be told about my grandad but my mother was told I was to be told I could not even say anything to my husband! My mother flipped on that one. She said that under “No way in Hades" was she going to tell me I couldn't say anything to my husband about what's going on with my grandad. She also this family member that my husband and I were both raised to never keep secrets from our spouse.
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