STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER
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Thanks. Cancer is something I could never wish on my worst enemy. I have lost a friend and family members to this disease. My mom and I are both lucky to have survived this disease. I hate it when we lose another person or even a pet to cancer
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Thank you for this thread!!!
I HATE this freakin S@#$! “Your Recurrence Rate is on 5-6% for IDC in the other breast so we’re not going to do a bilateral MX.”
NINE years (plus one week) DX with ILC in the other breast! What, I couldn’t get one more year? Why didn’t you just take both like I asked you too to start with!
And to the PS who told me 9 years ago I was too “mature” and my BMI was too high at 31 to consider Reconstruction for the one they took, can I just say a big “Up yours too!” I’d like to see the look on his face when he realizes not all women who get BC look like 20 year old models!
And too the MO from two weeks ago that said chemo and Radiation wouldn’t work on ILC...SHE had written a “Paper” on it. I’m sorry I have no words even remotely considered too profane to talk.
I’m sputtering. I’m not a vocal person. I’m not an aggressive person. I’m a Southern Lady born and bred. I can’t say the word S@#$ in public. But I got another MO’s second opinion and the agreement to try 3 months of chemotherapy to see if this 10 x 7 cm tumor will shrink and see if the chest wall disease will be effected.
I don’t want to apologize to anyone about standing up for myself. If I die because I didn’t want to do it “their way” I’ll just be dead
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mac5, not to make you any more angry, but who ever told you that "Your Recurrence Rate is on 5-6% for IDC in the other breast so we're not going to do a bilateral MX." flat out lied.
First off, breast cancer does not (or at least virtually never) recurs in the other breast. Breast cancer cells might travel from the affected breast into the body, but rarely do they skip across from one breast to the other. But as women with breast tissue, we can all develop breast cancer again - a new primary cancer, unrelated to the first cancer - and in fact because we've been diagnosed before, our risk to be diagnosed again is increased.
You were about 60 when first diagnosed, correct? The average 60 year old has an 8%-9% chance of being diagnosed with breast cancer, with most of that risk being when she in her 60s and 70s. My MO told me that having been diagnosed once, my risk to be diagnosed again was about double that of the average woman my age. Using what my MO told me, it means that your risk to be diagnosed again was more in the range of 16%-18%, not 5%-6%.
I don't blame you for being angry. You knew what was right for you and your doctors wouldn't do it. And you are the one paying the price for their bad decision. I'm so sorry.
Doctors who don't respect their patients. Doctors who don't understand that the patient has a right to make her own treatment decisions. Doctors who don't provide their patients with the information they need to make their own treatment decisions. Doctors who lie to coerce a patient down a specific treatment path. That makes me angry.
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wow what surgeon doesn't do what you want? My ps didn't recommend diep or the other flap because of my bmi because chance of complication like infection was high. So I had bilat implants. At least i got an explanation. Ugh
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Mine didn’t tell me that. She only worried about the potential issues that could come up from the chemo.
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My first go round, ca was in lefty. 11 nodes out. Had bmx. 7 years later, 7 nodes out on right side, no where else, yet. Would it have been in righty if I still had it? Don’t know. Haven’t asked.
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"Doctors who don't respect their patients. Doctors who don't understand that the patient has a right to make her own treatment decisions. Doctors who don't provide their patients with the information they need to make their own treatment decisions. Doctors who lie to coerce a patient down a specific treatment path. That makes me angry".
Excatly. Unfortunately there are many of them around.
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So mad I want to spit this morning. Went to take the trash out to the bin and when I was putting on one of my winter coats, I found two areas that looked like two neat cuts. Hadn’t worn that coat in two years so I didn’t notice it before today. Thinking the last time my nephew slept over because I was making him share tv time with his sister and he wanted the tv all to himself, that when I was occupied, he took something to my coat like scissors. Can’t prove it, but I highly suspect it was him. So I spent 45 minutes repairing the damage.
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Mommyof2
Oh man!! I can see why you are mad! Not the surprise we are looking for on a cold morning.
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I'm so bugged, I was diagnosed with bone mets and I started off with Ibrance which caused my blood counts to drop and I stated to take blood transfusions almost every other week because my hemoglobin was at 6. So my doctor took me off and I started falsodex injections that didn't do its job. Now he has wm on Xgeva which isn't to bad but I am also on a steroid. BUT he had me get radiation since one of my lesions was close to a area that would cause me the loss of my legs. After going through radiation, I have weak legs and now have to use a walker, I feel like I have to urinate all the time. The steroid has me alll messed up and I just can't kick this foggy brain feeling. I just feel that radiation was done wrong because how could I be able to walk and have no problems and now my legs are weak. I just feel like giving up!!
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You are so right Yoga! My husband was not happy either!
On top of this, the new winter coat I had ordered for him came today and it was not as thick as it advertised to be. So I had to make a fast trip to the store where I had ordered it from to return it. Got the money I spent on it back, but I will never order clothes online again!
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yes, ordering clothes online is always a crap shoot. I think the exception is when you want to replace an item or order it in a different color. You already know what the garment is like, so no surprises.
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rubyredslip, I could not agree with you more.
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Momdin, I am so sorry you are going through all that. I hope the leg weakness is a temporary side effect.
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I love that this is here!
@Momdin sending love and light your way.
This week was absolutely terrible but ended nicely with the help of my family.
I have been feeling blue lately, my PCP is saying it is moderate depression because of my meds (Arimidex + Lupron lowers serotonin) and wants me to go on Lexapro, also my cholesterol is through the ROOF so I may have to take Lipitor too. THATS TOO MUCH MEDICINE, PERIOD.
Im choosing to take the recommended Lipitor but not the Lexapro, Ive had this happen to me before (increased lipid panel) and I exercised everyday along with diet changes and I was right where I needed to be in one month. My weight makes me even more depressed, I just dont have the energy to workout like I used to.
This news made me upset and found it difficult to go to work and manage school this week, thank goodness for FMLA. I asked for an extension on my exam and professor gave me the toughest time, she knows of my diagnosis but chose to be a complete jerk before she decided to let me take my exam at a later date.
Sometimes is feels like no-one understands how life can be managing a chronic illness,d, im not used to feeling this way, seems like post cancer life can be really harder than when I was in treatment.
Thinking of going back to therapy.
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Jinx27 I'm seeing a psychologist who's part of the care team where I've been treated. I deeply resent that this breast cancer undid nearly all the work I did as a childhood sexual abuse survivor, but it did. So I'm back doing that work again. Go--at worst, all you lose is some time. At best, you get some help--right?
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I so agree Yoga! I would rather go to the store than order online. It may be a pain to get there, but at least you can try on the item and make sure it is exactly what you want!At least my hubby found a jacket that was thicker, even though it was a bit more money.
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momdin, I am so sorry that you are going through such a hard time and dealing with so much. Sending good thoughts your way.
rubyred, I totally agree with you about providers not always giving complete information about treatments and potential SE’s, etc. I feel like I made some of my “informed decisions” based on research I did on my own, not from info I got from docs. Sometimes I think they forget that we are the ones MOST concerned about our care, QOL, etc.
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This is a complete self centered whine fest. I am feeling sorry for myself and it's shameful. Let me just get that out at the start so we're all on the same page.
But for cripes sake. I get tired of the ongoing family drama, the sick patterns that have existed with my family of origin and now my family of choice for my entire life. We are all adults. Let's acknowledge some truths and realities. Like...I have cancer. Had cancer? Am at a higher risk of having it again? WHO FUCKING CARES THE SEMANTICS, but some event happened in my life that told me, with no room for misunderstanding, that THE CLOCK WAS ON! I know this rocked my world to the core and it is unrealistic to expect it to rock everyone else. But can't there be some small adjustment in their self centered bullshit? Can't some of them take a step back and think, is it okay for me to continue to act this way when Runor might be a memory this time next year? Yes, that is true for all of us. But maybe a wee bit more true for me. Just a smidge. No, I do not expect to be dead this time next year. But I never expected to get breast cancer at 53. So the universe does not give a fuck about what I expect. Anything can happen. And the calling card that bad shit is on the horizon has been taped to my front door.
And no one seems to have read the memo but me.
I am tired, tired to the bone of being the person who does the right thing, takes the high road, draws a deep breath and keeps going anyway. Yes, I do think it's the only way to live. But I am surrounded by people who think the opposite. They take what they want no matter the cost, do what they want no matter who gets hurt. THey expect that I should just continue to be the dependable, steady, honest, asshat that I've always been. And I don't want to be anymore. I don't want to be invisible to them anymore. I'm not asking for star status. But at some point I'd like them to think hmm, does Runor matter to me at all and should I continue to be this way in light of recent events? Thought. All I'd like is a little thought that tells me that someone else has been touched by this goddamned cancer too. That someone else gets it. That things have changed ever so slightly for them too. But it feels like it's just all on me and everyone carries on as if nothing has happened.
Hub actually used the phrase "I'll have more time to do the things that matter to you when I retire.: When you retire? Buddy, maybe putting flowers on my grave will be what we get to do together when you retire. RETHINK YOUR REALITY! Because I've had a reality change shoved down my throat while I screamed for mercy. There is no going back.
I am dealing with family fucking drama as I brace for a mamm and the tension that builds as I wait. The ache in the boob for the last 2 months that reminds me of the endless ache that drove me to have a mamm in the first place. The ache that turned out to be breast cancer even though 'cancer doesn't hurt'. Oh yes it does. It never quits hurting. In your chest, in your head, in the way no one thinks it's worthy of a change. If there was a cliff nearby I'd walk off it. I am feeling seriously done with it all right now. I know I'm being a dink but I just can't feel any other way right now.
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Yeah, but do you tell THEM? You tell us in your wonderfully eloquent way. But WE already get it. This behavior is so common. I see it over and over (and over) again with women and their families. We do everything. We expect ourselves to do everything. Then something happens and we can't/don't want to do everything. A woman I worked with a very long time ago got leukemia. The fatal kind. She had a husband and three teenage children. One day, she walked into the house at dinner time and said I'm not doing food in this house anymore. She just stopped. This was in the late 70's, I think. I was in graduate school. She was the department chair's wife and also a professor herself. She died less than a year later. I'll never forget her courage. She just stopped making any food for her family. Or shopping for food. Amazing. But you gotta tell them. (Don't know how I got off on this story but I haven't thought about Laverne in a long time. Glad I did.)
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runor, I always appreciate how you tell it like it is. Thank you.
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And thank you SO much, insurance company, for refusing to approve the stress test because it has to happen AFTER the scan. Only guess what? There are NO APPOINTMENTS LEFT IN 2019 AFTER THAT SCAN, which was hard to get on December 4.
Which means oh yes, I get to start the deduction clock over again with a STRESS TEST. Seriously annoyed right now.
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I don't get it either. Hubby is pretty good with my worries, but not everyone is. My younger brother asked one day. I was happy to tell him how scary it is to get a life threatening diagnosis-regardless of stage/type/outcome. It's still the C word. My sister was diagnosed at 50 and metastatic. Me 56 and I'm kicking myself for getting involved in caring for hubby's mom and step father before BC. I often wonder if the added stress of getting somebody in my house up at 4:30am to take step father to dialysis, doing coverage schedules (mother in law having delusions every time he left the house) Doctor appts for both and meds. When I was diagnosed you bet I played the C card and gave up dealing with hubby's family/step family and gave up caregiving. Hubby still did his part. He had an especially ugly confrontation with his 1 sister whom we haven't spoken to in almost a year. She had now heard about hubby's diagnosis and has called. He doesn't want to see her and I am rolling with whatever he wants and that's the answer his 3 brothers and 3 sisters are going to get. If he doesn't want to talk to you or let you know anything about his health, that's his choice. There will be no more confrontations. If I can help it.
runor I hope the ache lessens for you. It's so hard to stay calm around imaging time. Less stress and worrying is key I think to part of it anyway.. Since hubby's diagnosis my post radiation rash has re-appeared (upper chest on my collar bone)- and the hot flashes are coming more than they were just a few months ago. I need a drink!!!! Have a good night.
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Other people’s drama is particularly irritating to me since my dx. Most of the shit they complain about is self imposed and they victimize themselves. These are the same folks who didn’t bother to check on me after BMX and only want to hear “I’m fine” when they ask. I have started saying things like, “since my diagnosis I have become focused on what I need to do for me. I have no patience for BS about things that in the whole scheme of life matter not”. Some folks have “dropped off” and frankly, I don’t miss them. On the other hand, DH, a niece and good friends have been top shelf!
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runor I'm glad that you were able to vent here. I hope the family drama calms down. More importantly, wishing you all the best for your next mamm.
edj3 insurance companies make it so hard to get approvals. Could you get on the cancellation list for your stress test? Or maybe just keep calling them ever day or so checking on cancellations. That might work with some test centers in December where some folks might postpone their tests because they don't drive in certain weathers. Grrhhh! So sorry that you have to start the deduction clock all over again. (((HUGS)))
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It was the unlenting breast pain that drove me to get it checked and at 50, bam! So this no pain for bc dx is bs. I chose from the start to keep this secret with only my bro knowing. He's not like the fam. So glad I did because I have a new vent.
My dad is hemiplegic due to we're not sure what. Stroke doesn't add up since he had a few minis long ago, nothing recent shows on mri or primary lateral sclerosis a very slow motor neuron disease same catagory as ALS. He's stuck on the couch only going a short distance to the bathroom and back with his cane praying he doesn't fall, which he has on his head a few times.
I withdrew from the fam coming on 5 years now, a year before my dx. Only text. Will see certain few if they abide by my wishes to zip it on some talk. My aunt had to have a knee replacement. She's cool and ok to occasionally see. The other aunt that I cut out except for written communication came for the appts. The surgeon was the 1 I worked for years. So it was 5 min from me. Dad keeps in touch with mom's family. The fam I speak of is mom's. She's in Seattle and he's in S. California. She keeps asking me at my other aunt's appt if my dad is getting better. Um, wtf? Dumb question that only makes me want to cry. Is he walking better, falling less, gaining more muscle strength and control...no! She has to know after 3 years that at 80 he's not going to improve and it's slowly getting worse. Quit asking me. I almost blew up last time saying ask my bro who bless his heart helps him the best he can while working.
This fam are all know it alls. This aunt treated her husband dxd with dementia horribly, verbally. Are you deaf, stupid,etc. He died 6 mo ago and she'll recall stories of how stupid he was. Makes me angry. I say it's ok to hate fam members. Blood isn't always thicker than water.
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I too would like to testify that the breast cancer doesn't hurt theory is BS!!! Looking back, in the year prior to diagnosis, there were times especially while being physically active or just afterwards, I would get an aching pain in my left breast. So much so I would grab it to make it stop! Now we know, it was a tumor.
I would be interested to know why some women feel pain while others don't? Do dense breasts make one more prone to pain? Is it because the cancer is breaking through a duct/growing? Invading and attaching to tissue that one can feel?
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Oh Boy Runor and Artista! . We sure can't pick our families.
I've got mine on a long long arms length leash. I try to prolong the gaps between contact with them and it seems to be working. I don't have enough time left in life to go into my family's dysfunction here and my DH family is no better.
In fact, I think most families I know are pretty nuts - one way or another.
I've learned to treat others as I find them and not, as I was taught as a child, as I would like them to treat me. That last one never works. Somehow I think they've all pressed the 'lets talk about me and my life' button and it's somehow gotten stuck!
Good luck with the mammo Runor. Scan time is no fun.
Your poor old dad Artista. I hope he has some comfortable days left yet.
And yes, cancer hurts - like hell. And if it counts ctmbsikia dense breasts here too.
GP
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