STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER
Comments
-
It’s liberating and more relaxed already. Feels good to not hold my tongue and let go of all that negativity.
0 -
Mommyof2, toxic people are there to suck the joy out of our lives. It is so good for us to cut out the toxic people and just take the time to enjoy ourselves when we can do so. It is a lot less stressful for us. It can be hard to cut off family members, but at the end of the day, it can also be much better for our mental health. Glad you are able to let go of the negativity.
0 -
Indeed. I believe in karma and I see their toxic behavior bouncing back on them someday.
0 -
I scrolled through all the available topics looking for a place to write this but nothing seemed right. So I landed back here. Because it's in my favorties and seems to be the place where any topic can be rolled out and kicked around.
I hate Christmas.
There. I said it. I hate Christmas. I hate the pressure and the expectations. I hate being the one who does it all. I hate being the one who has to crack a whip and hand out orders to others if I don't want to be doing it all alone. I hate how they look at me blankly like they have no clue what it takes to make Christmas. I hate it all. I hate cleaning the house like a crazy person and then as all 14 people sit down to eat, spying one massive cobweb wafting its way from the overhead light and dangling, threateningly, tauntingly, above the jellied salad. I hope and pray no on else notices. It never fails that I will forget the cranberry sauce and Hub, knowing this, never steps in to take over that task himself. But as I finally get my ass in a chair to eat something that I have spent 2 days cooking... he will ask for the cranberry sauce. I get up, rummage around for a can, open it, schlok it into a bowl, hand it to him and he will pass it to his father who will beam at him with genuine gratitude and say, "Thank you son, I love cranberry sauce on my turkey."
Years ago I quit cooking turkey. Left over turkey smells like someone farted in your fridge.
I hate UNdecorating my house and putting all my regular stuff in closets and behind doors then lug out all the dusty stuff I have in storage to REdecorate again. I hate the whole process in reverse a few days after the festivities are over. I hate the sight of a sad, browning and balding tree hucked on the front lawn until someone lugs it away. A forlorn expression of the fickle and fleeting 'spirit' that takes us over. It's more like possession, really. I have friends who are rabid Christmas revelers. They decorate, they bake, they shop, they wrap, they sing, they are warm and welcoming, they scare the hell out of me. I avoid them until the insanity passes. They phone me, "Come over for Christmas drinks and appies." Hell no! I'd rather walk through the snake cage at the zoo!
I hate the guilt. Oh, you don't like Christmas, where's your humanity? Let me tell you. My humanity is to pay attention to the needs and situations of everyone around me all the time, all year long, without having to be nudged into it with a holiday. And I DO that, I am aware and reactive and it does get tiring and to have to ramp it up with shortbread and tinsel is more than I have energy for. But apparently this is NOT acceptable. I have to produce more. Because people expect it. Well, I resent it. I resent doing all the thinking, planning, strategizing, organizing, cooking, cleaning, washing up. On a typical Christmas day I have been on the go since I woke up and will still be at the kitchen sink washing dishes at 2 in the morning. That same day is, for Hub, one of great leisure in which he watches great stretches of tv, eats a lot of shortbread, opens the door when guests arrive, eats, ushers guests out, then falls into bed for a long winter's nap.
More and more I am a minimalist. I don't want stuff. After my diagnosis I spent a long time getting rid of stuff. I still continuously get rid of stuff. Pruning my life and objects makes me feel clean, accomplished, in order and at peace. When people bring me stuff, it seriously messes me up. I do not want them to spend their money. There is nothing that I need. I need them to take care of their own lives and bills and that does not happen buying me a bottle of wine that I hate. And I hate most wine. I tell people that if they want to bring me something it better be consumable. A bar of handmade soap, a pound of coffee, a candle. But if you give me something that you want me to keep and display and dust and cherish, you will be very disappointed.
God. Not only does this season make me feel bad but I feel bad that this is how I feel about the season. It's like a dose of depression, squared. Compounding depression. E=MC squared, expectations = mental collapse, squared. It's a scientific and mathematical truth!
For all people who find this season a great load of hot air and misery, you are not alone. I'd like to say it's okay but it's really not. We are not permitted to hate the holidays. It's a very judgy time of year. I do like seeing happy people and busy people and those who love to decorate and undecorate their homes. Go you! But me... count me out. I just don't have it in me.
0 -
I would tell hubs he's cleaning or you'll hire help. Things will sit. I have no problem with mess so that's what I'd do. Or fake being ill and see if they do anything. If not, no xmas. My aunt used to be the one for everything. Now it's potluck and help with clean up or her place is out. Works. End of pressure.
0 -
Ugh, Runor...no wonder you hate Christmas...that sounds horrible. I'm sorry it's so hard for you. I'm starting to hate Christmas for my own reasons and I don't even have 10% of your justification. On top of everything else...sheesh.
I say print out your rant, have it laminated, and use it for placemats this year. Maybe then someone will figure it out.
Sending peace, strength, and best wishes for a happy, healthy New Year.
0 -
runor in my first marriage, I was the Doer of All Things (married to a man baby) and about nine years into the 16 wretched years I was married to him, I snapped about a week before Christmas.
I told him I was done, done DONE buying all the gifts for his gigantic family on top of all the other holiday stuff. He sniffled and pouted and told me I was wrong to wait until so late that year to hit my breaking point. Whatever.
So I get it. Thankfully, I chose much more wisely with my second and last husband so that's not an issue here. Other things with him, sure. He's a world class snorer, so much so that we cannot sleep in the same room. And his feet can get quite stinky. But he's no man baby, thank God.
My vent: I really really do not want any more bad news on the health front. Logical brain knows the kidney scan on Thursday will turn up nothing other than the "two almost certainly" benign tumors the ultrasound found.
But.
- I never thought I would have melanoma. WRONG.
- I never thought I'd have osteoporosis--I lift weights, I run, blah blah self-righteous living BLAH. But I do.
- And I sure as shit never though I'd have breast cancer.
2019 can kiss my ass.
0 -
Since Christmas is a religious holiday....
Apostle Paul: "Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content." (Philippians 4:11)
Contentedness... that is a high goal, and easier said than done sometimes. And Christmas can be quite challenging if everyone doesn't help out a little. But as we have gotten older our children have carried the burden of meal preparation and most of the harder things that go along with Christmas at home. So... so far so good. I do understand it's a tough holiday for some and for that I am sorry.
0 -
runor - I also hate Christmas, and I don't do half as much as you do. My family isn't even Christian so why I am buying them all crap that they don't need?
0 -
We're not Christian either. My family is Iranian. My parents came here 56 years ago to enter university. They decided to do both cultures for us kids so we don't feel left out. So had the tree, stocking and gifts. The fam has kept this up for future kids. In their minds it's a time for family gatherings.
0 -
Edj, I also hope you get no more bad news. Enough already! I hope no one gets bad news but I know several are teetering on that brink of not knowing, waiting to find out. It is hard any time but especially hard at this time.
0 -
150% agrre Runor!
Here's to no more "teetering" for any of us! **clinks invisible wine glass**
Lord knows what I'll do if any more bad news drops in my lap, probably crawl in a corner and not come out until 2022!
If I had money I would buy a boat just to name it "2019 Can Kiss My Ass"! Edj, care to co-captain it with me to Hawaii!!??!
0 -
Runor, as you know, I totally don't have your issues. DH does everything and we have no visitors. We will spend the day alone. I will watch sports and read the books my sister sends me for Christmas. We decided ages ago that we give each other books and no one else gets anything. DH will practice his music. We will be content. It's hard at first to be alone and doing nothing special but it grows on you. I love it now. DS may even be out of cell range. There is only one consolation I can give you: it will all be over at some point. Until next year.
0 -
There have been so many things going on in our lives the last 6 mo and DH & I decided we would hang a wreath on the front door and call it Christmas decorating. We both feel so relieved. As a family, years ago we decided that we would all buy for the kids but no adult gifts. Nobody needs anything that someone else is going to buy (new appliances, cars, etc). DH & I share in the cooking for his elderly parents on holidays and son & SIL reap the benefits of that but I’m done with all the work.
0 -
Candy -- Cancer #2 surgery was a Thyroidectomy on 12/4 for Thyroid Cancer which was found this summer due to my RARE ovarian suppression medication allergy. US found cancer in the Right lobe at that time. After surgery, they found cancer in the Left lobe in final pathology, plus 2 of 6 lymph nodes. Which of course, 1) if I hadn't have pushed for a total vs half thyroid removal, they would've left cancer behind since they thought all I needed was the half and the US had missed it in the Left. UGGGH. And 2) they would have missed the nodes since if I hadn't have convinced my PCP order a PET Scan for me due to all my health craziness this year. You'd think my MO would've gladly ordered one but nope. Anyway, the PET showed uptake and my surgeon decided to check the nodes and again they didn't show up on either of the 2 US's I had in July nor in Sept. So yeah.....that was fun. Uggggh so ready for 2019 to be done. Healing is slow going but am thankful the thyroid cancer is gone.
0 -
The only thing I like about Christmas is the two weeks off from work. Every year I do less and less. Minimal gifts for son, DIL, and grandchildren only. Minimal decorations. No tree. May go out for dinner on the 25th. My goal is to take a trip over Christmas every year to the beach or somewhere else relaxing
0 -
I am going out both Christmas Eve and Christmas. It is my first without my mother around. Older DB and SIL and their family are having me over at SIL's family Christmas Eve and older DB and SIL are having me over Christmas. I intend to have a happy Christmas. Not choosing to be sad since my Mom suffered a lot and I cried a lifetime of tears in the almost year she has been gone. I mostly get a lump in my throat here and there but overall, choose to remember her in the good times and that she is better off not suffering as she did for the last year or so of her life. I don't have decorations or a tree but there really is no room in my apartment for one.
0 -
Runer well said. All holidays way too much stress and work. Thankfully my mother informed the extended family that I was not up to hosting things anymore. I had 14 people and 5 dogs in my house and I was doing was cooking and doing dishes before then basically alone. We went elsewhere for Thanksgiving and someone else did the work. Was not how I would have done it but I did not do it. Christmas will be just us and my mom and simple and quiet. Need nothing. Bought only for grandkids. Figure kids can buy their own stuff with their money and we need nothing and told them that. Just want quiet and rest.
0 -
I am so fed up with telling my hubby that he had better prep the satellite dish before we have ice storms like yesterday’s. Lost signal and had to delete recordings I had set up for last night because he was lazy! Won’t get to see those shows til next summer when the reruns are on! Still no signal this morning and his response is “just wait, you’ll get tv back today”. If I miss my show tonight, he’s going be sleeping in the garage
0 -
Mara, my condolences on the loss of your mother.
I simplified Christmas so much this year, my only gripe is why did I not do it sooner. I give cash to nieces and nephews. They are young adults and I remember how much I appreciated money gifts at that age. Several couples in the family will get $20 gift cards. They are there for me if I need them during the year so its a small token of appreciation. I can afford giving money gifts so am happy to do so. One brother will get zilch from me because he is an a- - hole. I mention him lest you think I got the perfect family.
Ds needed tires for his car so we went halves with him as a Christmas present. I got him and dh a few other small gifts like books, slippers, travel mugs and tea. I asked for an electric car starter which will be installed in January. We do not carry credit card debt, never have. Everything for Christmas is paid up come January.
Christmas is what you make it. Not everyone is caught up in the hype. I mostly see women get too crazy. Men pretty much don't sweat it. I've learned in this case to be more like the guys.
0 -
Didn’t get tv back until noon when the ice melted off the satellite dish.
0 -
It's hard the 1st year or two or five missing loved ones that have passed. At first it's so sad missing them, but after some time goes by you're not as sad and choose to remember the good years and not so much the years we were going through the grief process. I had some family (especially my mother's stuff) in storage for over a year before I could go through it. Selling the family home was so daunting and I was so numb I just took what was left and put it away for awhile until I was ready. I did minimal decorating this year which still was work. There's a few treasures that my mother had and some she bought for me that come out for display every year.
This year, I am beginning to get a little (well a lot) emotional with the holiday closing in. My husband is dying of cancer. We don't know when. We don't know if he will respond to treatment. We don't know if he does respond and with maintenance he could have another Christmas. We just don't know. All I do know is that I just wish for peace. I wish for the strength to be able to comfort my husband and our children. I don't know how to do this, but I'm here. Living it. Everyday. It's not going away. Just hope this slap in the face doesn't sting for too long, and we can all come out of it with some grace and dignity. Yep, this Christmas will be a hard one, but it can also be one of the most special ones ever.
0 -
Ctmbsikia, I wish you and your family a peaceful Christmas with lovely family memories to share with each other.
My father passed a few days before Christmas in 2003. Mom insisted on still having Christmas, and spent the time he was being cremated doing last-minute Christmas shopping. We all cope with loss differently. I remember just being numb and going through minimal holiday motions, but I think staying busy helped her. It was a pretty weird day, though, especially since any service and interment of ashes wouldn't be done until a few months later - it kind of felt like Dad was put on hold.
In 2017, Mom got really sick around Christmas - she cancelled the family gathering, then a few days later, was admitted to the hospital, where she died about three weeks later. Mom always had to do Christmas her way, although she eventually learned to be flexible on what day we celebrated due to so many scheduling conflicts with adult grandchildren. Last year, after my sister, niece, and nephew cancelled our little get-together because somebody had a bad cold, my DH, DS and I had a simple, relaxed Christmas with no stress and nobody else's timetable. It was lovely! No staying up until 3:00 a.m. wrapping and cooking for everyone - and for the first time in decades, I went to church Christmas Eve. I'm not religious, but I like a dose of tradition occasionally! I was also pretty pooped after months of medical crap, so it was just the day I needed. We never did get together with my sister's family - they're always too busy with ... whatever. For a year. With only a week until Christmas, I have a feeling it's not gonna happen this year, either. And all I feel is relief.
0 -
Thanks Alice. I recall you posting somewhere about your sister and the get togethers that didn't happen. It's just inevitable that family dynamics change over the years no matter how hard we try to keep tradition. One can always start new traditions, like having a restful day off!!!!
I remember in 2017 texting my sibs to let them know Santa got me BC for Christmas. I still dread that December is a due month for me with tests and visits. Add in hubby's stuff and I know what you mean about all the appointments. It's a real diagnosis too--"appointment fatigue" although I don't know how to code it! LOL I trust things are going better for you now. We are appt. free until the 26th, hubby has labs and check up. I still have MRI and a mammo to go.
We are invited to husbands cousins house for dinner this Sunday. She just lost her husband in March of this year to the same type cancer my husband has. We may or may not go to my niece's for Christmas Eve, and I have absolutely nothing planned for Christmas Day. I really could kick myself over all the worrying, planning, cleaning and cooking I wasted my time on. Why does it always take a crisis for people to realize that none of us are getting out of here alive and we should truly feel blessed and grateful for each and everyday we're here? I also feel relief that I don't have to plan a damn thing now. My family and everyone knows we are living each day as it comes. It's going by God's plan. I'll eventually come to peace with it.
0 -
Sometimes I think we're all in the slow learners' class on the big life lessons.
0 -
I am still doing OK the closer we get to Christmas. I like imagining my mother looking down on me and being happy that I can enjoy myself. Though I had some hard times this year, Mom's passing, having to testify in court at a murder preliminary hearing (did not see the crime, the accused tossed his bloody clothes in my backyard), selling my home and getting an apartment among others. I also had to separate from my younger brother's family as well due to his and his wife's verbal abuse and anger toward me. Not going to regale you all again with what happened as living in the past does not work. We all blocked each other from social media and he has not tried to call which is good. I do wish them all a good life going forward. It was a little weird Christmas shopping for just my older DB, SIL and family. I am committed to enjoying myself and older DB and family are making sure I will not be alone. It is appreciated for my part. The only one from younger brother's family I have reached out to and not blocked is his own son. I don't expect to see or speak to him, but he was innocent in all of the problems. If he wanted to reach out, I left the door open, inviting him out for coffee. Truth be told, I don't expect to hear from him and that is OK. He has his own young family and job. I am quite proud of him though he will likely never know.
I also have been blessed with a new friend whom I talk to on the phone. She started out as a volunteer who calls on weekdays to make sure I answer, if I do not, she will call my emergency contact after an hour of trying. She asked if we could talk together outside of the actual service, and we hit it off. She is a very nice lady and appreciate her reaching out and we enjoy our talks. This has helped me a great deal and makes me happy as well.
Overall, I guess for all the crap that has happened this year, some good things came out them. My apartment, looking after myself and other things. Knowing I am stronger than I ever thought and that I can decide if life is good or bad, not circumstances I appreciate this.
0 -
So yeah....FML....everything is FUBAR....just got home from the Vet. My 4 year old pup Gypsy definitely has a enlarged lymph node or possibly a salivary gland. She is being put on antibiotics and steriods to rule out infection of some sort. If there is no response, then in about 2 weeks when the 2 rxes finish, she'll need x-rays of her stomach/liver since she already has liver issues, repeat bloodwork, and a FNA of the swollen node/gland to determine if it's malignant. My 4 year old cat has lymphoma, I have 2 cancers, waiting to find out about #3, dealing with brand new MS, and now my dog is one step closer to cancer too!
WTF. I think I'm going to crumble to pieces.
0 -
MOmmyof2 totally understand about TV in bad weather. Ours does the same thing here. We got an inside antenna to get over the air stations at least when it the satellite freezes. If you have any local stations it might be worth getting a box and local inside antenna to hook up. Works good for us at least here in Colorado. We don''t get all the channels but better than nothing.
0 -
Spoonie, you poor thing, I am so sorry for you. My thoughts go with you and your family. I hope there are people helping you directly, be it family , friends or professionals to distribute some of the stress you are under. WAY too much for one person. I hope you have asked for a therapist or social worker.
0
