STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER
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What we may never know, was she one of us. May sound bizarre to ask that. But I could easily see her being one of us.
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No one pissed off since June?????????????
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Actually, I was talking with a friend and was reminded of EricV,. He had a story that you can read on his page. He may or may not of died from BC had his doc's listened or not made stupid diagnoses.. The problem is his doc's ignored the signs. He left two small children and a loving wife. It didn't have to happen.
For the short time he was here he gave support to others. His story on his bio page is the seriously sad story
https://community.breastcancer.org/member/128670/profile
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Oh Sas, that's a really sad story. Trust your instict.
As for the pissing off part, my boss changed jobs, he sent a general mail to everyone and disappeared. So now I don't have a (unempathetic) boss to bother me and all the "friends" with their stupid comments are on vacation. I'll have to arrange myself the plan for going back to work, I don't mind.
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It's too hot to be pissed off. And all the annoying people are on vacation. . .
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LOL Pajim! Amen to that!
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I for one hate seeing stuff like this:
This came up on my fb page. Here's my response I wrote:
"Seriously, while I understand losing hair that will grow back during chemo is traumatic for many, this is a slap in the face imo. Hardly support. Majority of us fighting cancer could give a shit less about vanity when you are in pain and vomitting. This type of behaviour belittles what it's like, imo. Also many do not lose their hair. Depends on the chemo. You want to show support and you care? Volunteer to help those who are struggling. Here in CA I used Drivers For Survivors several times, volunteers who drive cancer pts to and from their million appts. Take food to them. We don't feel like doing anything. Run their errands. There's so much you can do to help. Wearing a silly cap and wearing pink is stupid to most of us, seriously."
I hate pinktober. Not only is info put out there that is not always correct, but then you have this stuff popping up. sigh
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I was dx'd in Dec. I'm dreading Pinktober. i hate it. Can't really say why but I do. I feel it minimizes side effects, treatment etc. Like we feel like running after chemo
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It really doesn't bring awareness unless you've never heard of cancer happening in the breast. This wearing pink biz and shaving your head to bring awareness. Huh? I think they should encourage those who support us to volunteer to help someone battling. The money raised in walks and such while nice is pennies compared to what drug companies put toward research. I'd rather folks use their resources toward actually helping someone(s) in battle having a hard time with bills, cooking, cleaning, etc- stuff that actually helps us.
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I'm pissed off because my scars still hurt from my third surgery in December and the BS puts in his notes that I have no problems following surgery.
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Thank God we have each other to talk to, i hate pinktober. It all seems to be about losing your hair then after treatment you are cured. Such a superficial understanding about what someone with breast cancer goes through. I wish they would stop spending money on awareness. I get my mammogram in October and last time i receive a little spa gift basket. Ugh just spend the money on a cure.
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It doesn't seem that even the doctors understand what it's like. Let's spend money on doctor awareness.
Homework assignment for doctors - READ BCO comments all 300,000 of them!
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Seriously, I post the link to this site whenever I see stupid posts on fb. People post inaccurate stuff, some who haven't even had bc, and many people take it as truth. Dangerous thing. One gal wrote in response to that wearing the bald cap for awareness in Oct that easy solution, just don't do chemo. Uh. So are you saying you refused chemo because you'd be bald?? Someone reading it cold would take it cool, no chemo then. I mean you can't write such a one liner. Unbelievable.
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"Also many do not lose their hair. Depends on the chemo." - Amen. Thank you, Artista928
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I'm pissed that I got BC at 41! I'm tired of being cut on. I have no sex drive and I'm dry as a bone down there after the hysterectomy. I'm tired of taking a pill that makes my hot flashes worse and nauseated me. I'm passed that I was thrown in full blown menopause and haven't had a full nights sleep in two months. I'm passed I got an infection in surgical incision from suture left in. I'm passed that I feel like SHIT 24 hours a day and come home to lie in bed at six pm just to lie there for HOURS! I'm passed that I don't care about anything anymore and I'm on antidepressant and have tried two narcotic sleeping pills that don't work. I just want ONE day where I feel good. I'm passed that I feel the need to feel my breasts up almost nightly to feel for lumps. I'm passed that I was told I had favoritism at work because they feel sorry for me. I'm passed that my brain doesn't work right anymore and my eyesight is worse. I don't want to be told that I'm someone's inspiration or that I have the BEST kind of cancer one can have by my MO. I don't want to be told I'm lucky I didn't have to have mmastectomy or chemo. I'm tired of my hair falling out and the anxiety attacks I have. I'm tired of feeling like everyone wants to forget what I've been through, but wonder why I look like crap at work? I'm tired of crying and worrying. I'm sick of it. I'm tired of worrying about a mammogram that's 4 months away. I'm tired of my belly swelling and hurting from the last surgery. I'm tired of feeling as if I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I guess that was enough lol!
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I've been really angry because of my situation, and I know I have to work thru it somehow. My dad smoked for 30 years, was exposed to a lot of asbestos in his job, drank like a fish and died at 85. My mom never smoked or drank, but got cancer and passed when she was 48. Go figure!
When I was young, I used to attribute my mom's death to all the Diet Pepsi she consumed: two 16 oz bottles a day, and more in the summer (we didn't have those 2 liter plastic bottles back in the early 70's). She also used a lot of Coffee Mate and ate Diet Parkay Margarine - nothing but chemicals in both. My dad, if he drank soda at all, it had to be the real thing with sugar, and he only put real milk in his coffee and wouldn't touch that imitation margarine in the little tub.
There's an interesting article in the Winter 2016 issue of CURE magazine that discusses the randomness of cancer. Why do some people smoke and NEVER get cancer? Why does breast cancer show up in women with no family history of any cancer whatsoever? The randomness of cancer is especially prevalent in very small children - obviously they didn't smoke or drink more than a glass of Chardonnay every evening. I'm not going to summarize the article, but it's an interesting read. For a lot people, cancer is just the hand you're dealt - of course this is very controversial, as the article points out.
But I'm still pissed...REALLY pissed! I didn't drink soda for decades because of what I thought it did to my mom. I was a "meatless Monday" person a couple times a week, and mostly ate fish and poultry, eschewing my beloved bacon, cold cuts, etc. because of nitrates and nitrites. I never went to McDonalds or Taco Bell. I did all my own yard work, walked, and joined Curves. What the hell for?
In truth, food choices and exercise probably delayed my "random" cancer by X number of years, but I still got it regardless of all the sacrifices I made. Now I'm not going to go crazy and let myself go, but I went out and bought a 2 liter bottle of Diet Caffeine Free Coke (I don't like the taste of Diet Pepsi), and I plan to drink it. I had my husband grill up some fat, juicy steaks last weekend (but I could only swallow half of it because I was still on a chemo cycle), and I'm planning on going to McDonald's next week and get their new garlic fries. Might as well. Gonna die anyway.
Not having any sugar cravings on "off cycle weeks," tho. I used to enjoy dessert once in a while, especially cheesecake and Ben & Jerry's, but since menopause kicked in, I really tried to watch the sugar consumption too, especially when they declared me PRE-diabetic in 2010. I'm not going to run out and get a big Sara Lee's because I heard that sugar feeds the cancer - not sure if that's an old wives' tale or not, but it makes sense. Cancer needs easy-to-procure calories to keep dividing, and one digests sugars and carbs quicker than protein and fats.
It effin' sucks that I have to apply for permanent disability because of all the compression fractures in my spine and ribs - all because of my new second husband, cancer. There is NO SUCH THING as divorce, when you're married to Stage IV cancer - it literally is until "death do us part."
Yep, infuriated by all this, and that's the way I'm gonna be for a while, which is good. You have to be ANGRY to keep fighting.0 -
Count me in as being pissed - too! Cancer barely runs in my family, I don't smoke, I exercise, I (usually) eat right, I'm 48 and I have Stage III Grade 3 Cancer!!!!!! I feel like my life (what's left of it) is never going toto be the same!!
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i get pissed when they claim maintaning a healthy life sytle will keep cancer away. Well it didnt help me.
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So glad I found this forum because I need a good rant and no one else unlesss in this crappy situation themselves could ever possibly understand.
So here is my story, last summer I was feeling really tired and suffering from terrible earaches I did not have a family doctor so off to the emergency room I went a total of 6 times to be told it is allergies, it is TMJ and I can't remember what else, each visit I was given a prescription for some antibiotic or pain med by October I had a drawer full of prescriptions and nothing worked and it was getting worse I could keep no food down and was losing weight. On my last trip to the emergency room my DH stated to the doctor that we were not leaving until we found out what was going on, the doctor was great she said well first off we are going to order a CAT scan and go from there, within minutes they were doing the CAT scan, she came back and told me there was a large mass in my throat and in all probability it was cancer and made an appointment with the ENT doctor for the next morning. A biopsy was done and sure enough came back positive for Squamous Cell Carcinoma. Treatment plan was 3 rounds of Chemo and 35 radiation treatments. MO told me it was quite a large mass and was un operatable because of where it was located and instead of growing outward it had grown inward and was up against my spine, he also went on to say we only had 1 chance to get it and he gave it 40% chance.
I was so sick and unable to eat that they put in a g-tube and they hospitalzed me for 2 months as my wieght loss was so extreme ( went down to 80 lbs). A week before I was hospitlized I had to put my best friend of 16 years down ( my little black pug Winston) and I still miss him . Last treament was end of January and I finally got to go home still tube feeding but at least I was home.
By May I was starting to feel like myself again and looking forward to going back to work and life returning to normal. I stopped the tube feeding as I was finally able to eat again and had gained weight I was up to 104 lbs ( my normal weight is about 116-120 lbs) I had a PET scan late May and it revealed the throat cancer was gone!!!! but also revealed a tiny pinprick in my left breast he said it is probably nothing but lets get a mammogram just to be sure there was no lump so I went off had the mammogram and ultra sound and a core biopsy, they had a hard time doing the biopsy as it was so small it kept disappearing but finally they got it. They made an appointment that day with a breast surgeon for 2 weeks later, it was on my mind but I was so sure it was nothing and they assured me that the appointment with the surgeon was protocal and the nurses all told me if they find anything they will call before the appointment. I never got a call so off I went to the appointment 99% sure it was nothing, I was wrong dx as IDC 7.6 mm ER & PR positive HER negative as it sits right now treatment plan is lumpectomy and 16 rad treatments. and hormone therapy.
I have spent the last month or so in disbelief how the heck could this happen I just beat this bastard cancer in my throat only to find a different one in my breast. I just went back to work in July and now this, before the throat cancer I was never sick I rarely got colds or flu and never any major illnesses until I hit 60 last year. My employer has been great I took 10 1/2 months off with the throat cancer and had only been working for this company for 9 months, they told me my job would be there when I returned and now I have to tell them about this new cancer. I love this job and don't want to lose it to cancer, my docs say I should be able to work through radiation but I really won't know until I try.
So here I sit hooked up once again to a feeding tube as I am still not able to eat enough to gain or maintain weight I went down to 94 lbs. But with the tube I am now up to 100 lbs. I feel good physically but mentally I am a basket case. I am a sales rep and only work 3 days a week which is good but we are doing our annual Breast Cancer Awareness month promo's and it just seems so strange to be out there selling and promoting this when none of my clients know my situation and yesterday a package arrives full of Fking pink ribbons for me to pass out!!!! I want to throw them in the garbage.
I have yet to cry over this damn cancer and know I have to get it out and I am sure the tears will come but right now I am still so angry that it has not happened yet. I feel guilty about my pity party when there are so many women in much worse situations than mine.
I worry myself sick over this upcoming surgery this Thursday more about the results than the actual surgery. I am so scared it will come back with more than what we expected that it is in the lymph nodes and will be bigger and more widespread than they thought.
I do have a great DH but he is just as scared as I am so I only access this boards when he is not around as he has a heart condition and the stress of my cancers is taking its toll on him as well. The financial situation is also a killer, the tube feeding equipment and formula runs about $1,200 a month and is not covered by anyone as it is non-prescription, this last bout of cancer depleted our savings and mine is the only income because of his medical problems. We are fortunate that we have no mortgage so our expenses are low. Some family and friends had a benefit auction for me last week and raised over $8,00.00 which will cover the costs for this cancer and I at least do not have to worry about finances on top of everything else.
I am so sick of riding this cancer train and want off. I am so sick of well meaning people saying God does not give you more than you can handle or you are a strong woman you will get through this. Yes I am strong but how much can you throw at me before I just fall apart I feel I am on the brink of that right now. I want to yell, scream and beat my fists.
I know I will deal with whatever the outcome of the surgery is but with every little ache and pain I immediately think it has spread to my bones etc. I went to my family doc asking for some anti aniexity drugs and she must have misunderstood because when I got them home they are sleeping pills. I have no problem sleeping it is the waking hours that are driving me nuts. I find myself snapping at people over the stupidest little things which is not my nature I am usually laid back and take things as they come but right now I feel like I am losing my grip. I am so pissed that I will spend the rest of my life being monitored for this ugly disease.
I know this is a very long post and after writing this I do feel better
Thank you ladies I wish everyone here the best.
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Charlene, all I can do is validate your feelings (they are absolutely appropriate and normal in your situation) and offer you a cyber hug. Sometimes, just getting it out can help a little bit. As for what you need, call that doctor and explain that you need anti anxiety meds NOT sleeping pills and hopefully they can remedy that quickly enough. Being in a highly agitated state is not good for your recovery and as such, you most definitely will benefit from some help. Huge hugs and prayers your way that this newest cancer is a blip on the radar and that after treatment you can put it in the rear view mirror. It is always there...there is always the outside chance it could rear its ugly head again of course but hopefully it was caught early enough that you can concentrate on getting and staying well!
(((((Charlene))))
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Charlene, sorry for all the chit(shit). What drug? Important, you may not have a complete understanding of the drug. Say if it's Ativan/lorazepam. It'll work for both. I'll look for your response. Many of the benzo's work for sleep as well as other things. They each have a niche in the drug class.
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Hi Charlene, I feel you.
And don't you just hate it when well-meaning friends say, "Well, maybe you should go see a therapist." What the eff is a therapist gonna do? Wave her magic wand and make the cancer disappear? I would only see one if THEY were a cancer survivor themselves, or else they wouldn't be able to relate to what I was going thru. "Oh, just practice some guided imagery…take a few deep breaths with your diaphragm…try some different yoga asanas." Bullshit!!! **
You have every right to be pissed as hell and scared to death to boot. You wouldn't be human if you weren't. You've won the cancer lottery, not once but twice! No one needs to tell you that people actually die from this. At our age, we know lots of people (friends, family, co-workers) who have already passed from cancer, and we could be next.
Of course, I try not to dwell on that – I could just as easily get hit by a drunk driver tomorrow. But I still think about it every day, especially after the last scan showed it's now in my liver and I have even more compression fractures in the lumbar area because of Mr. Cancer's new lytic lesions in my spine.
The tears will come when they're ready to come. I couldn't journal about Mr. C for weeks. It felt totally surreal, and I thought if I actually wrote the words down, then it wouldn't be some nebulous bad dream any more, it would be a reality...no going back to a fantasy land where it didn't exist.
We are here for you anytime you want to vent, scream, moan, howl, whatever.
Sending prayers and hugs your way.
** Please note, I'm not trying to "dis" anybody who does see a therapist or does yoga, but it doesn't always help everyone. Sadly, I used to love yoga, but I literally can't get down on the floor or bend over anymore because I have half a dozen compression fractures in my spine. Happy days.
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I'm pissed that when I was diagnosed last September I assumed I'd be done by now.
I'm not.
My irradiated tit has the kind of oozy, pus-dripping infection that is usually featured in horror movies, and I still have a fever. I feel like hot dog shit.
I'm pissed that every well-meaning person that offers help (not that there are many) fails to offer the one thing I desperately need: Watch my autistic son.
I'm pissed that people give our family that look: "That poor, poor family. Husband is a cop, wife has cancer, only child has autism." Some people just say it aloud, adding, "What else could go wrong?"
By all means, let's tempt the fates with such questions!
I'm pissed that I can't sleep at night, and then I'm super pissy because I haven't been sleeping.
I'd like to say I'm pissed about Pinktober, but I really love Halloween. I barely saw the pink last year and I'll barely see it this year. True, I think all that pink crap is stupid, and I certainly wouldn't wear any of it, but having been the parent of an autistic kid all these years what does turning your porch light blue, or wearing a blue shirt in April really do? I'm kind of used to the public getting all excited once a year(but not really understanding) something that totally dominates my life.
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Hugs to you (((Rory))), and hang in there, Jumpship.
It also bothers me when people call it "your cancer journey," like it's some happy little trip off to Disneyland that you didn't make a reservation for.
Why do people have to sanitize it? Let's call it what it really is: Your cancer nightmare...your cancer living hell...your cancer decent into madness...
I am sure you can all come up with your own descriptive nouns and expressions. Anything but journey. The only way my Stage IV journey's going to end is in death.
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My breast surgeon would say it is like climbing a mountain. Ugh i dont want to think about climbing a mountain. I want it over already and get back to life. Why worry about what could happen.
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The thought of climbing a mountain when do you get to the top, never. I want out of this twight zone.
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Meow13, when you find the door out let me know. I'm with you.
Lita 57, yes I would call it decent into madness. I had a doc call it journey and I knew there was something wrong with that. What a jerk, a real patronizer.
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April 485 Thank you for your reply and hugs I have a call into my Dr for some better meds I am still highly agitated but hope she gets back to me with some better meds
Sas-Schatzi thanks for your reply. The instructions with these meds states they are a hypnotic and not to use unless you can get 8 hours of sleep. I do have Ativan but they also make me sleepy. Have a call into the doctor hopefully to get something
Lita57 thanks for your reply I agree about deep breathing exercises etc I am glad they work for some but not for me Thanks for the hugs and prayers
Rory I hate Pinktober as well
I feel like cancer has taken over my life this past year and I know everyone one here can relate I obsess about it 24/7
I took that bag of pink ribbons and tossed them in the garbage and it felt great
Hugs Prayers and best wishes to all
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Charlene, Please, tell me the name of the drug she prescribed. There are dozens of hypnotics. I know a bit about drugs.
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Hi Sas-I'm still alive!!! Scans today Hoping I am still NED. Became metster 3 yrs ago.
This rant is for part of my family.
My sister-older. quit her job as nurse when I first got cancer "to help me" never got a casserole
I have been working on selling something that my parents left to my sister and me. She hung up on me twice. The last real conversation that we had she said "can't you wait three years" in whiney voice and hangs up. there tax loss would be less in three years. I know better than to try and call the idiot bitch back. she screens her calls. she has hung up on me before. I may not have 3 years! she either doesn't care or doesn't understand what metastatic BC means? I am a nurse too. I have cried many tears since I can't go back to nursing.
Then there is Aunt Shirley-she is my moms older sister-she is in hospice -her sons all hate her. my mom goes up and visits her every sunday. she told my mom Fran is just using this BC thing-I know what BC is. She had lumpectomy. Oh Really Aunt Shirley you have had years of chemo.had so many scans that your scanaxiety starts week before
and of course I call my mom the next day to complain about my idiot sister. she just says "I wish you'll could get along" doesn't call my sister and ask wtf did you just say to frances? says nothing. I wait months. No apology
And then lately I have been hearing snide remarks fom other people in outer family. Do they not know what we have been through?
I moved when we found my mets. Left 2 girls at home 21 and 17-17 has type 1. I dont know how she survived or how she got supplies
left my husband in Va -he can move here in jan. Do they know what its like for a young adult to know they have horrible disease and there mom is terminal and she is gone??? girls are with me now and are okay. but you know its been a bitch
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