STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER
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Runor , I've been off BCO since 2018. Lost to many friends in a short time. But your post got me when I came back for a look. Their was a sorority pledge song. since 1970 thereabouts, got me through many life events and negative days. Sometimes I screamed it, sometimes I hummed it. The tune is a typical camp song
"Shit Damn hell, son of a bastard bitch, rape screw fuck you, and you can go to hell too" It's horrible. But it's a great rage Screaming it, does give a peace. I know very strange1 -
Runor, back here tonight, years gone, and responding to a second note of yours. Random. No clue how you are doing. But your rant is well founded. CANCER sucks, anyone that perceives we caused this is an analpore. I.e. asshole. In my family on the paternal side grandmother is the clue for 12of21 women having BC. It would seem "someone" with that statistic would jump at us and say should study the family. I have tried. NADA.
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Sas-schatzi - Loved seeing your sorority chant and can totally understand it! I might copy it down and use it myself. I found it interesting that you have a "formalized" chant like that, because over the years I have found that when I get really frustrated I sometimes recite a rote stream of memorized profanities all in a row to myself. I think it's a similar phenomenon to your chant and it makes me feel like I'm not alone in this stress reduction technique. When I first found myself doing it, seemingly out of nowhere, I was actually ashamed and embarrassed for myself because I don't normally use the words in my string of profanities and couldn't believe I was doing that, even all alone with no one around. Now I don't feel so bad.
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My husband…he aggravates me 😭 he’s always been a health hypochondriac. Like seriously always thinks he has some sort of bad health problem or cancer. He will talk himself into believing this stuff and literally won’t drop it until he gets some sort of imaging or tests to rule them out. Sometimes that’s still not enough. And then what’s worse is he thinks the radiation will end up giving him cancer!!! It’s INSANE.
and then I feel very selfish because I’m thinking, I actually DO have cancer, but it’s never about me. In fact his mental issues have him downright mean at times. It’s like he forgets that I have cancer. No I don’t want him loathing over me, or making me be the constant center of attention, but I don’t need his stupid shit right now. He’s fine. Why can’t he just act it?! Rant over.0 -
I am slow to anger but I am floored by a recent pm exchange. Due to my unusually long survival at stage IV, I occasionally get pm’s asking about treatment, lifestyle, etc. I am always happy to answer questions but it’s often a let down as I have no secret diet, lifestyle, protocol, etc., to explain my progression free longevity. Today, I got a pm from someone I’d corresponded with recently. Here’s what stopped me in my tracks… she asked if I ever had breast cancer at all! I cannot tell you how hurt and angry I was by that question. 12 freaking years, biopsies, surgeries, recon, rads, collapsed lung, AI’s and she asks if I had breast cancer at all !!!
The idea that she thinks I am either faking it or that all my medical providers have been putting me through procedures and treatments I don’t need is beyond the pale. It doesn’t happen often but I am both hurt and angry.5 -
@exbrnxgrl, just wow! It would be difficult to respond calmly to that. Good luck.
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Thanks,malleemiss. I am one of the most even keeled people and rarely get upset, not even about bc! However, this has happened to me once before on bco and twice IRL. Other than being thin, I look completely well and have throughout most of my bc journey. I realize full well that I do not look like a stage IV patient and don’t meet some image that people have of stage IV but it is impossibly rude and very upsetting to hear those who are not doctors, not MY doctor, and don’t know me at all, question or doubt my diagnosis. I just came back from walking my sweet dog. That always helps 😊
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I am mad/sad in your behalf @exbrnxgrl! You’ve inspired me and I dare say most of us here!!! How could anyone even wonder something like that?
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Thanks, needs.a.nap. I am actually sitting here still in disbelief, despite the lovely dog walk. “ Did you have breast cancer at all?” , her words keep echoing in my head. I simply cannot imagine joining a bc forum and contacting a (long term) member for support but then questioning whether that person ever had bc. As I said, it’s beyond the pale and it has really upset me. I might need a glass of wine 🍷
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Oh Caryn!! To say that to you! The nicest long time poster here! Take Pumpkin for another walkie, and 2 glasses of wine. Dr Barbs orders😍
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exbrnxgrl, I’m stunned and mad enough to throw my cup of tea across the room. WTF would someone say that to you??? You went out of your way to offer support and this is what you got.
I’ll join you in a glass of wine 🍷. Red or white?
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Exbrnxgirl- there is no accounting for some people's.…audacity? insensitivity? stupidity?
I'm so sorry. Snuggle that puppy again.
I vote for red. 🍷
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I can't believe someone would even ask someone that question! There is no reason for anyone to be here unless you were diagnoses or someone who is supporting someone and there are boards for that as well. It is something that never goes away no matter what stage you are and the tests go on and on and on and the fear never ends. It affected every part of you. Those side effects go on and on once you have diagnosed. Bone issues. Joint issues. Other issues. Energy. Cancer is terrible and how dare them even question you.
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Exbrnxgrl, How long has the person who pm’d you questioning your diagnosis been a bco member?
If it were me, I would enlist the help of the moderators. I’d pm them, explain the situation, and report the person who pm’d you as harassment. Because that’s what it is. Over the years, I’ve had a few distressing interactions with members here, and I turned to the moderators for insight and support. I found them to be level headed and they offered good advice. There’s no need for you to put up with a member who’s questioning your authenticity.1 -
It's time to change the stigma that stage IV cancer patients need to look sick and be given a period of time of their life expectancy. It's totally ridiculous in this day and age!!
I get that a lot in regard to my sister who is Stave IV about how she looks well. What people don't know about cancer is a lot. I whole heartedly admit that I knew ZERO until it happened to me. My sister was diagnosed 6 years before me. She's 10 years in by the way.
@
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@exbrnxgrl Your contributions to this place have been very helpful. I bet it gets tiring though.
Sorry for the double post, I hit the wrong button!! UGH!!! It's colonoscopy prep day for me and I am none too happy about it. Doing my best to keep on track for a good test BUT I just want a sandwich!!!
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I second Divine in reporting the rude person to the moderators. Why would anyone who did not have breast cancer want to come to this site? As much as I value being able to gain support and knowledge here, given my druthers I would never have developed BC and spared myself all that it entails. So if someone was rude enough to make that comment to me, I would gladly hand them their head. You were far too kind.
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Have I mentioned how wonderful all of you are? Thank you 😘
And now an update. The member has since apologized to me which I appreciate. She was still a bit miffed that I called her out on it saying I should have asked for an explanation but it was a yes/no question (Did you have breast cancer at all?). What’s to explain? I am just going to assume that perhaps her own potential bad news has clouded her thinking and leave it at that. ¡Muchísimas gracias a todos!
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De nada.
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Many people like to fling shit anonymously on the internet and get away with it. Not sure why the member who pm’d you, exbrnxgrl, thought you’d keep quiet. You did her a favor by not disclosing her screen name, but you could have done that.
I’ve never sent anyone on this forum a rude pm. If I have a gripe with someone, it is aired publicly. I’ve reported less than a handful of members to the moderators over the 13+ years I’ve been here. Once, someone was attacking me in numerous posts on a thread which caused me distress. I pm’d the mods for advice. Then I went back to the thread and told everyone that I’d reported the issue to the mods. I think the attacking member was shocked that she’d been reported as many members looked up to her for her medical intelligence. Members still have to be courteous to one a other, regardless of what they bring to the table.1 -
Wow, I guess I've been lucky not to be attacked here. I've had people say things that seem stupid, but I think it's out of ignorance and not meanness.
Hoping everyone has a lovely, peaceful day. I ordered a new little trash can for my used tissues. I didn't like how they were piling up on my desk.
Carol
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Another day, another rant! This time about my mother! I envy anyone who has a good relationship with their mom.
My mom thinks she is a medical expert! I was recently diagnosed as diabetic and saw an endocrinologist. Well the endocrinologist took me off one medication that was not working to curb it and put me on a different one and Ozempic, and put me on the Dexcom monitor. So far two weeks in, no problems. The minute my mother found out what my new doctor did, she started her “do as I say because I am a medical expert” crap. She told me to tell my doctor to put me on the meds she is on for diabetes and to get on the CGM she is using. I told her my insurance won’t pay for the CGM she is on, but will pay for the one I am on and that I am trusting my doctor with my new meds as she is the expert and not me. I don’t see my endo doctor until next month! So now every time my mother calls, like today, she persists on asking if I bullied the doctor to put me on what she takes. I told her I’m not having any issues so far and if I did my doctor told me to tell her asap! My mother blew a fuse over me trusting my doctor over her “advice”. I had to listen to a 20 minute rant about it! I ended up so upset over it, I hung up! I am nearly 50 years old, I think I would know by now who to listen to for medical advice!2 -
Does your mother have any medical training? Just curious…
Yes, at age 50 you should not put up with her treating you like a child. You can reassure her that you love her and you know that she has your best interests at heart, but you will be following your doctors advice since he knows you from a medical perspective. If she persists, you need to tell her that this is stressing you out and stress is very bad for your health. If she still persists, and this is not an option to arrive at lightly, you can go low contact until she can respect your position. If she can’t behave like an adult, at least you can. You are her child, but you are no longer a child.
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I get along with my mom and guess we are the ones in charge of her at this point. She lives by herself in a senior building but we have had to go over and help her a lot with things she can't do herself at this point. She still wants to think there is nothing wrong with me even though she knows I had BC surgery and now have a another thing that will end up killing me probably before cancer does at this point. I just want to keep going to outlive my parents at this point.
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mommyof3, it sounds like you need to create better boundaries with your mother. It’s something I’ve been working on for several years in all my relationships. It was very difficult for me at first. My parents have passed away, but I had issues with siblings. Having boundaries meant I learned to say no to things. I spend less time with them. I am mindful of what I say to them. I don’t need their unsolicited advice. When I see them now, it is more pleasant. “Less is more” in this case.
There are many articles online about putting boundaries in place. But I love to find tips about boundaries on Pinterest, and I pin them to a board so I can review them from time to time. I found that even my good relationships benefitted from having better boundaries.
I used to wait and hope others would change their ways. It’s not going to happen. I finally realized the change needed to come from me. That’s the hard part, haha! But I’m proud of myself for sticking with it. Good boundaries improve my relationships.0 -
I only call her once a week, but if she keeps it up, it will go to once every couple of weeks. She has no formal medical training but she listens to all these supposed “experts” on tv and thinks that qualifies her to tell me how to handle my medical issues. I have gotten to the point at that I just let what she says go in one ear and out the other. It causes too much stress for me and my hubby gets irritated with her trying to push me into listening to her. My endocrinologist is a woman and my hubby sees her as well, if I can’t trust her, I’m in big trouble. I have told my mom many times that I may e her child, but I am well into my adulthood and no longer will tolerate being treated like I am a child, of course, she ignores it.
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I’ll add a bit of humor to the issue of parents and medical advice *.
My father simply couldn’t understand that all cancers are not the same. He was fond of saying, “Cancer is cancer!”. Nothing could convince him otherwise. As a result of this, he spent quite a few years before his passing clipping and sending me articles about new treatments and advances for… prostate cancer, pancreatic cancer, testicular cancer, etc. Yup, he was convinced that the latest advances in treating prostate cancer would sure work on breast cancer because… cancer is cancer!
He was also fairly certain that my sister got cancer, uterine sarcoma, from sitting in the chair of a woman who had also been diagnosed with cancer. He argued that researchers couldn’t prove that that wasn’t a possible cause of cancer, so in fact it might be 🤷🏻♀️.*My apologies to those who’ve been on bco for a while as I’m sure I’ve told this story before.
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exbrnxgrl, that is pretty humorous! It can be rather unbelievable the way some people think, and there is no changing their mind. Though it’s not always easy to do, it sounds like you were able to take it in stride. You probably knew there was no use trying to argue the point. And no, I hadn't heard this story from you before!
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Exbrnxgrl - Sounds very "Dad like" to me. He obviously cared a lot though and was trying to work the problem. Since my dad wasn't an expert, he wanted everyone to simply defer totally to the doctors; no asking them questions or bringing up something you'd heard, etc. ( That was for the rest of us of course, not him.). Very sorry about your sister having the uterine sarcoma. That's what took my mother. They say it's so rare that they just don't know much about it, so no real progress on treatments.
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Thank you three tree. She was dx’ed and passed away about 6 months later. I don’t think my mom ever stopped grieving as my sister was her youngest.
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