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STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER

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  • m0mmyof3
    m0mmyof3 Member Posts: 9,454
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    Thanks gals! I feel the same way. My cats and my dog are my babies.

  • bcincolorado
    bcincolorado Member Posts: 4,700
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    Pets also relieve stress we are feeling, and it has been studied. We adopted a new doggie last year and she is now so spoiled and gives so much joy every day with playing with her toys. I can't walk with her yet after my fall last year but DH walks her and it is good time for him to be out and away from the stress of being here with me and caring for me right now. Pets are important and anyone who feels differently has never had a real pet in their lives.

  • m0mmyof3
    m0mmyof3 Member Posts: 9,454
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    My mom got two Shih Tzu mix rescues over the weekend. She really wanted a puppy but she couldn’t resist the two. They are two years old and as long as it makes her happy, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.

  • spookiesmom
    spookiesmom Member Posts: 8,176
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    exactly tell your bro to go fly a kite

  • bcincolorado
    bcincolorado Member Posts: 4,700
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    Rescue doggies are the best ones if you ask me. They are usually very loving dogs and happy to have a good home as well. Every pet we had has been a rescue since we were married and we have been married for 42 years almost and been through a few now since we out lived our doggies. We used to have 2 but now that we are old got one this time and she loves being an only so much and could not imagine getting another one right now since we do not have the energy for 2 right now.

  • m0mmyof3
    m0mmyof3 Member Posts: 9,454
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    Younger brother isn’t happy but mom got her way.

  • ctmbsikia
    ctmbsikia Member Posts: 756
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    I'm glad your mom has new companions. Since my husband passed, I really would like a dog, but I still work every day and I just wouldn't be able to leave it alone all day knowing that it is wondering if I will ever return. I just can't. Not sure I want the responsibility as well. Then, there's the added expense. Figure I will revisit this one day when I have more time to be with a pet. My daughter and soon to be son in-law rescued a dog 2 years ago. She most definitely was abused. Vet took a bb out of her side. She does not like other dogs or men with hats ( ie my son). She really has come a long way since they got her. I have treats and a toy basket for her at my house. My name is Gigi. She does well at my place. Here she was at Easter.

  • bcincolorado
    bcincolorado Member Posts: 4,700
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    She looks like a sweetie pie. You can have visiting doggies for now. Ours is one we got from the shelter which is where we got all our other ones. The people had 3 other dogs and this one and this one was more active and bigger and they had a new baby and did not have time to give her the attention that she needed. They paid her adoption fee which we did not know when we chose her. She is so sweet and loves being an only girl who gets all the attention at our house. She thinks anybody who comes to visit is to see her as well.

  • m0mmyof3
    m0mmyof3 Member Posts: 9,454
    edited May 15
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    Feeling like I want to repeatedly slam my head into a wall! As some of you know, my relationship with my mom is a very tense one. I have been extremely busy with things and almost forgot about Mother’s Day until hubby reminded me about it on Saturday when he picked up a card for his stepmom and my mom. I called my mom on Mother’s Day and told her that I hadn’t forgotten but her card for Mother’s Day was going to be a bit late but I had remembered her. I got berated because it wasn’t on time and all she was getting was a card. Every year for my birthday, hubby’s birthday, our anniversary, Christmas, we get promised we are supposed to be getting something as a gift with a card and never do. I at least make the effort to call for whatever the occasion it is. I got crabbed at “well if this is the way I’m going to be treated, you might as well not bother with me.”

    I feel very hurt by this. At least I made the effort to send a card and then call her to let her know it’s on the way! Am I wrong to feel like this?

  • betrayal
    betrayal Member Posts: 2,209
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    It's what I would call a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation, m0mmyof3. Towards the end of her life (and for the 10-15 years prior to that to be honest) I could not please my mother if I had been able to stand on my head and spit nickels, so I stopped trying. It wasn't worth the constant negative feedback, so I did the honorable thing and sent her cards for her birthday, Christmas, and Mother's day including a gift certificate for a meal or sending her something I ordered online. Never got any thanks but I was dutiful even if she was just downright mean. She lived with my brother and I had to leave messages on their message machine and my nasty SIL used to erase them so then I got accused of never calling her. Spoke to brother that was able to visit and he explained why she got no calls and she told him he was lying. So he began to see the dynamics of the relationship as well.

    I had enough going on in my life that was causing negativity so I did not need it from someone who was supposed to love me. I do not feel guilty for the way I kept my distance from this toxicity. I did visit her the day before she died and she told me to get out. I went because she had asked my niece to contact me to tell me she wanted to see me. My brother and SIL witnessed it and kept apologizing to me for how she acted. Why, they weren't the nasty ones and they had driven me there. Another brother called the next day to say she was not going to last the day and I declined to return. I had paid my final respects. BTW, I was her only daughter and she had made it crystal clear from childhood she preferred my brothers.

    So lower your expectations, keep doing the honorable thing, and then realize you cannot make her happy but you can ignore the toxicity by limiting direct contact. I can understand your hurt, but don't give her the power to hurt you. You did nothing wrong.

  • gailmary
    gailmary Member Posts: 435
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    Hi all,Mommy of3 and Betrayal. Your stories of mom remind me of many I've heard from older women who were expected to stick around and take care of their parents. Youngest daughter shouldn't get married but care for the old folks. Maybe Mom is mad at you for leaving her. Did you move far from them?.

    I have 3 sisters. Each moved far from home. Ohhow I wish I could have. I was the one there for mom. Never nasty but

  • m0mmyof3
    m0mmyof3 Member Posts: 9,454
    edited May 16
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    My mom never wanted me to get married. She expected me to be alone all my life, so I could take care of her. She has my stepdad and they live with my younger brother. Whenever she gets into one of her snits I get “Nobody cares about me” and other things of that nature. She even hints that when Hubby and I finally sell our house here in Connecticut and move to Wisconsin to our new house, she is going to come live with me. I don’t need the constant stress and none of the family on either side will come to visit if she gets her way. My older brother has cut all communication to her and so did my older sister before she passed. I feel sorry for my younger brother who has to put up with it. Every time we talk, I can tell he’s really stressed over it. I tell him that I have been dealing with it longer than he has and it’s her way of seeking attention by playing the “Poor Me” card.

  • betrayal
    betrayal Member Posts: 2,209
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    Just because you have a mother doesn't necessarily mean you get a "loving true mom". Move to Wisconsin and leave Mother behind. You are not there to fulfill her "neediness".

  • sunshine99
    sunshine99 Member Posts: 2,636
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    Betrayal, that is heartbreaking and I’m so sorry you had to live with that for so long. It’s so hard to step away from someone and realize that you are never going to fix the situation. The problem is theirs, right?

    You all know that you are loved here and are safe.

    (((hugs)))

    Carol

  • divinemrsm
    divinemrsm Member Posts: 6,082
    edited May 16
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    Mommyof3, no, you are not wrong to feel the way you do. We are bombarded with all kinds of precious messages like “Family is everything!” that you see everywhere: online, on home decor, in books and tv shows and movies. Women are especially conditioned from an early age to be kind, considerate and tolerant of others. When we feel the hard feelings, we come up against all that social conditioning that tries to tell us we should not feel that way. We don’t want others to think we’re monsters! I sound like a broken record, but for me, it boils down to creating boundaries. I keep a Pinterest board full of helpful tips to practice better boundaries. Occasionally I browse thru them to remind myself on how to keep them in place. I find I can still be considerate while getting my point firmly across that I’m not going to be mistreated. It’s an ongoing process but so worth it.

  • ctmbsikia
    ctmbsikia Member Posts: 756
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    Sorry to hear about how your mother's treat (ed) you @m0mmyof3 and @betrayal. Great advice with making boundaries and limiting contact. You do you!

    I gave my mom a hard time as a youngster, then when I grew up, she and I were like best friends. I didn't hesitate when my Dad died suddenly and one of us had to stay with her. Even when you have a close-knit family it is really hard taking care of aging parents. Moving her to assistant living was a harder day then the day we buried her. Almost 10 years ago. Good thing I was young 50's at the time, not sure how well I'd hold up now. I hope you don't have to take care of your mother. Let someone else and don't feel guilty about it. I too think you did the right thing by sending a card and calling.

  • m0mmyof3
    m0mmyof3 Member Posts: 9,454
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    Mom is now in Nebraska but still will be far enough away from me when I get to Wisconsin to maintain a boundary.

  • divinemrsm
    divinemrsm Member Posts: 6,082
    edited May 16
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    Mommyof3, boundaries aren’t just physical as in distance. Other kinds of boundaries include mental and emotional ones. Here are several pins I have on my Boundaries board on Pinterest.




























  • m0mmyof3
    m0mmyof3 Member Posts: 9,454
    edited May 17
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    Mom sent me a couple of nasty texts pointed at my hubby. I read them, laughed at them because they were way off base about him and deleted them. I was right in the middle of prepping an assignment that is due next week for one of my classes before hubby and I were going to see a friend of ours in the hospital. I am going back to calling her once a week or two. Got so much stuff going on I need to concentrate on the important stuff first.

  • malleemiss251
    malleemiss251 Member Posts: 211
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    I ended up moving to another state and wrote letters to my mother, rather than having phone conversations, cos I knew that we would only get into an argument. It is easier to ignore, or not respond to nasty comments in letters than in a phone conversation. I was with her when she died and I don't regret that, I do regret that we got on much better when we were apart than together. But at least we maintained contact - as you are doing @m0mmyof3 .

  • betrayal
    betrayal Member Posts: 2,209
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    DivineMrsM: Thank you for posting those boundary responses. I did stand my ground with my mother and there were certain topics that were clearly off the table. I drove 60 minutes to take her out to lunch for her birthday and she brought up one of the forbidden topics. I stated that we had agreed not to discuss this (it was a worm in her head (not literally) and that she needed to stop now. We had discussed this topic many times and it wasn't the truth but her skewed perception. I did not need to hear it yet again and there was no way to break the cycle.

    Her response was to tell me to "get the hell out of her house" and when I asked if she was willing to sacrifice her birthday lunch at Red Lobster for this, she said "yes". So I climbed back in my car and drove home. I did leave her birthday card which I later learned she tossed unread. So her decision and I honored it.

    The letter idea sounds good but in essence it wouldn't have worked for us. She needed to verbally abuse me and hurt me. I later learned not to let her do this. Sad because I still loved her but to this day I do not miss her.

  • divinemrsm
    divinemrsm Member Posts: 6,082
    edited May 17
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    betrayal, I think it’s healthy to accept that a relationship isn’t worth the heartache and trouble to try and maintain, even if it is with our mom (or dad). My own parents were extremely dysfunctional and two of my sisters became what is called “parentified” meaning they took on the responsibilities of raising the younger kids. Yet even as we all grew into adults, the two sisters still acted like they were the heads of the family (both my parents passed in the 1990s). The sisters bonded together and bullied, criticized and ridiculed me. They enjoyed treating me that way. It is with them that I’ve had to work diligently to create firm boundaries. I also had to stop seeing them as parental figures and would continually remind myself they were my sisters and I didn’ have to answer to them about anything. I was shocked how difficult it was to make these relationship changes. It took me well over a year to stop feeling so guilty and fearful about it. I could not believe what a total push over I truly had been!

    These days I visit far less frequently with them, and I no longer do anything with just those two; I always make sure dh is with me or we’re in a larger family gathering. What surprised me in my quest to change the dynamics between them and me is that I began creating better boundaries in all my relationships, even the good ones, and have benefitted from that as well.

    My only regret about all of this is not practicing better boundaries a long, long time ago!

  • mkestrel
    mkestrel Member Posts: 158
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    Tired of trying to be nice to people who keep recommending their latest magical diets to cure cancer. This week it's one recommending some diet with no meat, no dairy, no eggs. The other recommends keto with all protein but no carbs, no fruit, no sugar. Then there's one that says she read on the internet this guy was stage 4 who cured it with eating 250 calories a day to "starve the cancer." so apparently not eating at all.

    When I express skepticism about this nonsense, I get the inevitable well the doctors don't know anything and are hiding the cure and if I had cancer I'd be trying everything I could, blah blah.

    Now I'm going to be put on Afinitor which apparently can cause mouth sores and make you lose your taste. Just great. Cancer is sucking every last drop of joy out of our lives. I am going to eat what the blank blank blank blank blank I want. The end.

  • m0mmyof3
    m0mmyof3 Member Posts: 9,454
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    mkestrel,

    I say go for it! Do what makes you happy and if your doctors don’t see a problem with you eating what you want, so be it, and ignore the people who think they are know-it-alls!

  • betrayal
    betrayal Member Posts: 2,209
    edited May 17
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    mkestrel, I had to bite my tongue about the one who said if she had cancer she would do all she can, I probably would have asked her what she would do? Ignorance is bliss and she is a candidate for being the poster child. Eat what you want, eat what you can tolerate, eat what you like and eat what doesn't cause issues. You need to enjoy life and if food choices is part of it, go for it.

  • malleemiss251
    malleemiss251 Member Posts: 211
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    I am hearing you @mkestrel. It irritates me beyond belief about how everyone - most of whom have not got bc - has an opinion on what you should be doing. Some days I tell myself that I should be nice cos they are just trying to help in their own misguided way and other times I am afraid I tell them that I am happy to follow their advice as soon as they can tell me which medical school they graduated from. I am also very tired of being told what i should and should not be doing with my life. This is my stage iv cancer - i will do what feels good and right for me - not what makes others feel good. Rant over.😎

  • sunshine99
    sunshine99 Member Posts: 2,636
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    Amen to the above comments. Eat and drink what you want. What’s the worst that could happen? We die a week sooner? Even my MO said if I enjoy something, then why not? There’s a doctor’s opinion for you!

  • m0mmyof3
    m0mmyof3 Member Posts: 9,454
    edited May 18
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    And the hits keep coming!

    I haven’t spoken to my mom since earlier this week and had no plan to as I was putting boundary in place! She called a little after seven my time this morning and berated me over the card she got for Mother’s Day! Meanwhile, my hubby started his mouth going from another room. I hung up on her tirade and blew up at him for the petty crap the two of them are pulling and always putting me in the middle! She continued to call the house while I refused to answer the phone. Hubby picks up and tries to hand me the phone! I refused to take it and yelled loud enough that they both can stop their petty war as I am done dealing with it! I was so furious with both of them that I texted both and told them to leave me alone! I’m so stressed out I’m either going to have a nervous breakdown or a heart attack. She texted back and said some pretty nasty things about my hubby which I told her was unacceptable to me and left it at that. The final time Mom called, I made the stupid mistake of picking up the phone thinking it was a friend of ours calling. She continued the attack on me so I fired back with, “Gee Mom, it must be nice that I send you cards or call for important days like your birthday, etc. But when it comes to me or my husband, we don’t get anything, not even a card for our anniversary!” I hung up as she was trying to claim that she doesn’t know when our anniversary is. She should darn well remember when my wedding anniversary is, as she tried to make the day of my wedding all about her as she was there! The only thing that changed it was my late older sister stepping in and steering it back in my direction!

  • divinemrsm
    divinemrsm Member Posts: 6,082
    edited May 18
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    mommyof3, your husband’s actions were wrong. Because he’s your husband, in a calm moment, remind him that even tho he may mean well and think he’s helping somehow, it’s you and he who are a team, you’re partners. Let him know you need his support and it isn’t his place to get between you and your mother. When my dh and I encounter similar issues, I say something like, “I know you love me and want to help and the best way to do that is let me work this out on my own and just be by my side quietly supporting me.” That’s a boundary I’ve learned to place in my relationship with dh in more recent years. Basically I’m telling him to “stay out of it” but in a nice, wifely way. Your husband can listen and offer you advice privately, but he should steer clear of any more involvement than that.


    It felt like when I got serious about boundaries, those who were taking advantage of me sensed a power shift in our relationship, and it’s as if they doubled down on their attempts to gain the upper hand. My sisters found more excuses to try to get us together, and I kept coming up with all kinds of wonderful excuses to turn them down. They tried to guilt me and I would envision myself wearing gold hand cuffs like Wonder Woman and mentally pictured myself using them to deflect their guilt and any other garbage they tried to sling my way.

  • sunshine99
    sunshine99 Member Posts: 2,636
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    I just finished a book by Steve Leder called, "The Beauty of What Remains." He made a comment in there about making peace with people before we die—EXCEPT WITH NARSICISTS and other abusive people. He says to cut them out of your life as their only intent is to hurt. I've bookmarked the page in my Kindle, and I need to go back and find the quote. I think he's spot on!

    I highly recommend this book. He's a Jewish rabbi who has spent time with many dying people. I bought two hard copies so that my DH can read it and I can have a copy to bookmark and highlight.

    Wishing all of you a peaceful day.

    Carol