STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER
Comments
-
Lita 57 & XXYzed....great posts. Thank you. My son is seven has has to grow up fast. I just tell myself he's already two years older than my cousin was when she lost her mom at 5. It sucks but it's our reality. Deal with it or ....there really is no or.
0 -
getting BC costs money that I would have loved to spend on a vacation or a down payment for a new car or saving for ,my kids' college...people don't realize this, and the sick and tired and scared. They just want to tell you stories about their friend/relative/neighbor/coworker who just sailed right through treatments. Are people really so stupid they don't realize that 80% of what we say is keeping a game face on so others don't judge. Feeling very cynical...
0 -
Yeah, Beagle, it's hella expensive. And it's gonna be worse for me because with Stage IV and all my mets, I've been forced into an early retirement. I've filed for Social Security disability, but it doesn't even amount to HALF of what I used to take home.
Sadly, no more vacations, or going out to dinner once a week, or new cars for us.
Cancer sucks!
Lita
0 -
After fighting real hard to get to some semblance of normal, I finally had to accept that I was disabled. Due to the fact that at the time of my diagnosis I had been in the US for only 10 years, of course I didn't have a lot gathered in terms of quarters of work/income. So yes, forget about vacations or anything else, welcome to counting every penny to make things work. At least when it happened I had already paid off my house and car, so that makes things just a tad easier.
0 -
Yeah, seachain, it totally sucks. Do you have problems with neuropathy from the Tx? I know they can linger for quite a while.
Lita
0 -
1) I know that my friend is trying to be supportive but I don't need someone laughing, stating "well, at least you get a boob job," as a source of comfort. I know she is trying to cheer me up but honestly I would take my once saggy non cancerous boobs over cancer and now soon to be reconstructed boobs any day. I just wish people would read others and the situation and act appropriately.
2) Some people should NOT be in healthcare. I don't care who you are or what you look like, patients should be treated with care and respect. Treat people the way you want to be treated. Simple yet so hard for ppl to grasp. I work in healthcare and even with this cancer looming over me I still have to keep it together. I think now I have more empathy at times.
0 -
Lita57, yes, among others. Also chemo caused fibromyalgia, AIs caused fast advancing osteoarthritis with cervical stenosis of the spinal cord and nerves, I have generalized costochondritis, post-mastectomy pain syndrome, the lower half of my back is scar tissue from the LD reconstruction, and a few more things.
0 -
Hi natstar - I've had more than a few comments from people who think they are funny. "OOOOH FREE BOOB JOB!!" If they could only see what has happen to my chest. Idiots!! Free my ass!! I feel like I am in prison with no chance of parole anytime soon. I guess they don't get it until they get it.
Maryann
0 -
And I wouldn't wish this shit on anyone so I hope they don't get it.
0 -
Seachain, that's why I dread going on AIs. Endless hell.
Lita
0 -
I'm angry and a little sad...
3 years ago this week marks the first time I felt the lump in my breast and then went in for my diagnostic mammogram. I was told right then and there by the radiologist that he believed I had cancer. My life has never been the same and I am now understanding that it never will be.
I'm still angry that I wasn't given enough information about reconstruction and the risk of infection, I'm angry that I went thru an already terrible mastectomy then to have further complications of Pseudomonas. I was in hell for months, had a terrible PS and just a terrible time. I'm still picking up the pieces and while I'm doing better it is still a struggle.
I miss my breasts...I miss my sex life. I'm 41 and feel ancient.
There it is...thank you for letting me vent.
0 -
((((tangandchris))) Vent away sweetie. You are much too young (everyone is too young but 20-50 is REALLY terrible in my opinion to deal with this disease) to have to deal with loss of so much in your life. I am angry for you! Hugs and may the pieces that seem to have fallen away return one by one until you have some semblance of normal again.
0 -
Thanks April.....I'm not the only one who has these issues but the hugs are nice. Sometimes it just hits me that actually had BC, like wth this happened to me?? Sounds strange maybe, but it's almost like it happened to someone else. Maybe that is the coping mechanism I use to walk thru it.
((Hugs))
0 -
Someone told me to "be brave" yesterday. Ticked me off so bad! Why are we never allowed to feel anything but "a good attitude?"
0 -
Oh, I could never go through treatment like you did. What! Not ready to just roll over, give up and die yet. Didn't see where I had much choice if I wanted to see my daughter married and two grandsons born.
0 -
I think people don't know what to say, Wicked, and they're trying to offer encouragement. Shoot, I have cancer and I don't know what to say or even want others to say. I agree that "Be brave / strong / positive!" makes me feel like I can't have a bad day or vent because it would tarnish my pink warrior persona.
The worst for me is, "Attitude is everything!" Cemeteries are full of women with positive attitudes and bring cheerful and plucky doesn't offer protection from side effects, surgical complications or metastasis. I try to face challenges with resolve & optimism, but want to be able to indulge in a guilt-free whinefest now and then, darn it!
Lyn
0 -
Wicked how true, our cancer centre hands out literature for chemotherapy with a women on front , with a caption on how she always comes to her appointments with a smile on her face. I rolled my eyes when I saw that.
Grace our stats are about the same , my good friend would comment how she would never have chemo when I was having treatments and when I was having radiation she would never do that that either. Like you I wanted to survive, I finally said would that be fair to your family not to do anything.
0 -
Lookforward, the kicker is that yes she would. If faced with this, she would have chemo and radiation too, just as you did. You do what you have to do.
No one likes to imagine themselves on this side of the fence. It's hard to blame them for that.
0 -
Yep, sometimes I get really fed up, too. When I told a close friend I was looking at urns and making an appt. to go and see wall plots at the same cemetery/mausoleum where my parents are buried, she said, "Why are you doing this now? Are just going to give up?"
I let her have it (cuz if she's a GOOD friend, she should be able to take it). I said, "When people say stuff like that to me, I just want to say EF you! What the hell do you think YOU'D be doing if YOU had St IV cancer with extensive bone mets and organ mets?! Some people may only live less than a year with this and some people may live 5-7 yrs or more. What if I happen to be on the crappy end of that spectrum? I want to plan for it! I don't want to end up like my husband's mom...her ashes are STILL on a dusty book shelve in a cardboard box with brown paper wrapping!!!"
That shut her up.
I'll know in a couple of weeks if Mr. Cancer doesn't like Xeloda and is receding or if he sarcastically snickers at it because he's found a way to outsmart it.
I don't want my husband to stick me on that same dusty shelf in a cardboard box next to my mother-in-law
.I'm ranting along with y'all.
Lita
0 -
Just so sick of the fall out of all this. You think once treatment is over your "done", ....but the fatigue, pneumonia, hysterectomy, joint pain, physiotherapy, damaged relationships, fear of reoccurrence...it's all real. We don't make this crap up. Someone told me my shoulder pain was because I don't stand straight...I do stand straight but the boobs aren't balanced anymore so it looks like I'm tilted. 6 month mammo is coming up...how do you explain this stress to others??
0 -
That's why I didn't tell any fam except my bro who wouldn't say such shit. Him and 2 bffs are all who know, who matter that is. The expectation to be done with it because I am x months out from tx alone would send me over the edge. Don't need emotional/mental stress like that on top, so they remain in the dark. Not seeing them often really helps too.
0 -
Ladies, there is a Web site called www.needymeds.com. go to diagnosis specific, there are some resources there that may help. I will pray for all of you for peace and help as you go through this one hell of a journey.
Love,
Debbie
0 -
Lita, I'm sorry but I couldn't stop laughing at the image of you being next to your mother in law on the self :-)
Hoping that it won't happen in a loooooong time and xeloda works.
0 -
MoreShoes, It's not so much being on a shelf with my mother-in-law that gets me, it's that she's been gone for FIVE years, and DH hasn't even gone out and gotten a decent urn for her or anything. She's still wrapped in the SAME brown paper wrapping with the label on it for criminy sakes! It's like he's totally forgotten about her. Occasionally, I'll put a little vase of flowers next to her. It's the least I can do.
I realize every culture has different traditions about death and honoring their dead. I don't think it's because DH is cheap, it's just how he chooses to handle it. (DH is Hawaiian/Chinese....his Chinese ancestors are probably appalled, but his Hawaiian relatives probably take a much more lax approach.) My brothers and I had to go to the cemetery at least three times a year to honor the grandparents....we didn't mind going. We just thought that's what EVERYBODY did. And it touches me deeply that my brothers, who live close by, STILL go and place flowers at my parents' and grandparents' graves, and I know they will do the same for me when I go. That's why I'm picking out the niche and urn now. If I leave it to DH, I'll be shelved, and that'll be that!
Lita
0 -
My neighbors are really getting on my nerves. I recently had terrible back spasms that have me unable to move around very well. My husband told them about it and that I would be unavailable for a few days till the muscle relaxed. They call and ring the doorbell to see me. I really am not up for company I don't know how to get them to leave me alone. It is getting ridiculous.
0 -
Meow13, I got mine "trained". 3 to 5 days a month I do not take any pain killers so I can "reset" my body from getting used to them - this is how I managed to be on the same dosage for over 4 years now.
Anyway, I let everybody know about this, and told them that when I am in pain I am grumpy and to excuse me in advance if I say something hurtful and think that it's the pain talking not me. And that is the reason why I prefer to be alone during these days I do "detox". After I lashed a few times at people who didn't get it, I haven't been bothered in a looong time. I used little greeting cards that I got really cheap at the dollar store. Then I went to all my neighbors and gave them one with a cellophane wrapped cookie on top.
0 -
I have a neighbour that likes to drop by. She has my number. I told her to call first as I may be asleep. But she'll show up and in the evening when it's dark. I just don't open the door. I've mentioned before a lot of times I have my headphones on listening to music so I don't hear anything.. Tell them they should call first to make sure it's a good time. Some people need to be told the obvious when someone is not always up to par.
0 -
Really not sure why I have had it with neighbor. She is really nice but I feel like she takes every opportunity to quiz me when I dont feel well.
0 -
JJ, good description. I don't know why, but for some reason, year 2 was worse for me emotionally than the first one. I never am able to get to sleep before 3 or 4 a.m. and when I do get to sleep, it isn't a good sound sleep. So the fatigue is really bad. Nobody understands. They just say "go to bed earlier", like I haven't already tried that. I just end up getting back up.
0 -
VLH, I often wonder what those "attitude is everything" people would do if I told them that I was forgoing all treatment and surgery and just going with attitude. It should work, it's everything, right?
0
