CRAZY TOWN WAITING ROOM - TESTS coming up? All Stages Welcome.
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Oh Rose- I'm so very sorry about your mom. I totally understand (I rarely say this because I feel people rarely really do understand what you feel like) having lost my Mom and Dad, and a younger brother all in a relatively short time span. My father was in memory care, my mom lived with me, my brother died in my arms 10 weeks after his dx. It wasn't all at the same time but the cumulative effect of the chaos, the guilt, the grief, the loss, and so on, left me ill prepared to deal with my own illness. I live alone and mowing and heavy lifting gets hired out here too.
I was in the worst shape of my life going into surgery. Recovery then chemo took me down to the ground.
But it was the loss of my brainpower that has been the hardest to deal with. I think I'm getting better, but I think the math co-processor has been permanently downsized. Losing this edge has been far more difficult for me than the loss of my hair. I think Iwould trade permanent hair loss to get the rest of "me" back.
The only upside is I think as my brain has gotten smaller, my heart has gotten bigger. I wasn't always the nicest person in business. At the time it seemed like a survival technique. As others have said today, I'm reflecting now on the opportunity, to use the word so VERY loosely, to be who we wanted to be when we grew up. If we even knew, which I did not. So I'm feeling my way, much like emotional Braille.
I'm sorry, Rose. I didn't start this post to be about me. But your losses struck a chord. Please do continue to stick to the outer non-artery roads of CTown as much as possible. For what it's worth, you seem very sharp and articulate. Only you probably really knows the difference between the old and new you. And somehow at the end of it all you mighg just get to like the new one just as well.
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as a very stubborn person, I worked, exercised and keptmy three grandchildren two days a week all through chemo. I was determined to not let it take away my life as much as possible. My job is a desk job, all mind. But I did, as Katy said, exercise like a lunatic through chemo. My bike became my best friend, therapist, crazy town to rant and rave to.
Having said that, there is no shame in taking time off if you need to. If I had needed to, I would have. But work and normal activity kept me out of my head and away from my pity parties.
I read a meditation forum on here, and I am now striving for being in the moment. Today we did a 6.3 mile hike in Big Bear in the mountains and it was mostly done in silence as I looked at the trees, birds, lizards, etc. I don't want to look back seeing that I spent my time with my grand children worrying if I would be here to see them grow. I have them today and that is all that matters.
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Beautifully said, T.
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Katy, thanks so much for your kind words. God's grace has sustained me and continues to do so.. As long as I let Him.
I pray and think of you, all of you daily, share your smiles and tears, hugs and energy.
Must get back to work..
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I am so moved by every single person on this thread. So full of heart. Everyone right where we are. Slow, Katy, Tomboy,, Sula, Octo, Italy, Rose, QMC, Rain, Alyson, Lucy, Ducky, PTS, Pennsygal, Clarrn... and whomever I have missed... every share weaves a beautiful thread here.....
feeling much love and thanks
and a gentle reminder- it's the full moon so it's an opportune moment to let go of whatever is holding you down- on any level
here is to lightness in the fortnight to come.
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Gala......back at cha girlfriend..........
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Gaia,
Such lovely thoughts...I love your name
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Christine- I never knew that about letting go after the full moon. I wonder if that is what howling is about. A bit of a primal release? I think I have a lot to let go. I am meditating on this. It is so much easier to be honest with others than to be honest with myself. Thank you for your generous spirit.
BTW, I've been feeling better from the LE manual lymph drainage. But I have a funny area in the upper left quadrant of my stomach. It's a bit swollen and sensitive to the touch.
I've been trying to figure out what organ that is that is obviously cancerous.
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Definitely howling over here.
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Katy, maybe you have acid indigestion like me from all the lovely stress shit and not to mention the crazy meds.
tummy better today but still crankie, got my lovely cleaning gal here, she could not come for a few weeks as her mom was ill so we have lots of dust bunnies
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All you crazies have drawn me in and kept me coming back since Tomboy mentioned this wacky place weeks ago on the middies forum. Invisible tethers that weave and bind...
Octomom, reading about your concerns took me back to my circumstance when I was diagnosed. I had taken care of my mom for a year (she passed five + years after diagnosis of ovarian cancer), and six months later I got the best job I've ever had. I loved it. I traveled the US, not too much, just enough to always be enjoyable. One week after my new health insurance kicked in, I had my mammogram. So here I was, with my brand new sales job that involved travel, being told that I would likely need chemo. I was the ruler of Crazy Town back then.
My mind went to the dark side, worried that I would lose my job, just as I had passed the probationary period. How could I possibly travel, have sales meetings, keep up my looks and energy all while undergoing chemo?!? Then something happened. The earth shifted. I allowed people to emotionally support me. After surgery, my pathology came out much better than initially thought. I would not have to endure chemo. My recovery was a breeze, and HR told me that if I made even one phone call, that I had worked for the day. Support from employer? Priceless.
You know how people say that good things came from their cancer diagnosis? I used to think, sure, they're just saying that. But I think I became a better person, more real, and caring of others and less invincible. I truly believe strength and passion come from adversity.
Octomom, I don't wish chemo on anyone. But it sounds like you have choices and flexibility with your work. The silver lining amid the swirling thunderstorm that is a cancer diagnosis. If I learned anything, it was to try to take each step, minute, hour, day as they came, and not get too ahead of myself. I encourage you to do the same. You may be one of those little affected by chemo, and to waste time and energy on the what if's, while very natural, causes stress that is better avoided.
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"The only upside is I think as my brain has gotten smaller, my heart has gotten bigger"
Can't express how this touched me!
Was sitting at the kitchen table this morning more in the moment than in years favoring the taste of the breakfast my DH made and savoring his presence across the table 38 years married and really appreciating these gifts rather than thinking about what has to be done next
Then I tried to tell him something and the words were mixed up tried to say anonymous and it came out ammonamus! I speak for my profession ( which I'm on leave from now 9 mos post dx) last year I could literally do somersaults Now have to use a cane sometimes with AI pain and neuropathy limiting balance It really is a Crazytowm I'm living in now. Adjusting slowly to the relocation here with a wonderf therapist and all of you! Glad to be reminded by jackbirdies post that there is a positive somewhere here in this place
Hugs, Suz
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Morning- well actually afternoon- Crazies
There is SO much I want to say, but need to be brief for the moment as a sizable food project awaits me.
Katy howling and the moon. briefly when our ancestors lived more closely and in harmony with the earth, the waxing and waning of the moon was used as a guide for living, planting, ritual, women and their "moon cycles' etc. The new moon is a time for laying down 'new seeds' hopes, dreams and intentions and the full moon is a moment to give thanks for all that grew and to clear, let go and unburden. This is a very cursory telling. The larger arcs are the 13 lunation cycles and and the 8 holi-days through the year. It may all sound a little 'witchy', but I have always honored it ( some times more, some times less) as a way to anchor me to something deeper and bigger than myself and this crazy, concrete, construct of 'civilization' called NYC.
AND YES to the brain bowing itself to the heart. It's a big practice!
Chloesmom- I love your observation this morning- being fully present and 'Adjusting slowly to the relocation here'; I took that to mean relocation in a new way of being..... and I can totally relate to that.
Ok as I said I am saying a huge group good morning and happy Sunday-I am off to start food prep- my first big project since dx and I have to admit I'm feeling a little anxious as the next 10 days will be busier for me than they have in 3 months. Trying to breath. and let go of anticipation and maybe there will be some HOWLING!
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love this thread....I am driving my family crazy. I try to be positive but I always go to the dark side eventually. I can give myself diarrehea instantly. Not good I also figure being on Tamoxifin has been playing with my hormone levels to the point where I'm standing in the gym weeping like an idiot. If I didn't have my iPad to distract me in the middle of the night I would have already been bonkers. Thank you Steve Jobs and my husband says thank you to. Count me in at Crazy Town.
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Ok NOW I'm procrastinating, but Katy I did see you mention a concern about the 'upper left quadrant of your stomach'.. Do you mean upper left of your whole abdomen? The stomach itself is on the left side and so is the spleen.....
ok
I. Must. Stop.
for now
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it must be cancer of the spleen then.
Wendy- welcome to the big top! Crazytown needs more like you! We are all half nuts and laughing and loving our way through what I call the shit sandwich.
The LE manual lymph drainage exercises are feeling very good to me. I actually find them calming and i am trying to focus on my breathing while I do them. I feel that although the delivery of certain information last week was roughly done, the message and the tx is going to make a big difference in my pain levels.
I ordered a couple of (used) books last night at 3 am. About mindful practice. Something about full chaos living and another by the same author. The famously helpful Specialk and others recommended them one time too many and I fell victim to the wee hours shopper.
I find it so ironic and so mundane of me that I waited until I had bc to truly try to "get right". I would have been such a more interesting and honorable person to be right for its own sake and not to just save my own emotional ass because it's sitting in Crazytown!!
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Relocation as in taking up permanent residence in Crazytown. Also emotional relocation to the new normal for me. It's taken me 62 years to savor things, but the lady that could do somersaults lives in my old town
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Perhaps, Suz. But you've already proven your heart can still do flips for the man whose presence you were savoring this morning. Beautiful.
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Hi jackbirdie/katy! I had cancerous spleen a few months ago, you'll be fine! What you said about manual lymph drainage feeling so nice in a mental sense reminded me that that is true. I had forgotten what a kind of meditative calmness that it could bring, where your own "laying of hands" on your own body can be very grounding and healing and meditative, especially when you are controlling your breathing. So I am going to try it again! At the very least, it's like a time out, always a good thing. I also hear ya about the book thing, sometimes I cannot resist!
queenmomcat: I can hear you howling, from my house!
Gaia, pictures please! I have to go back and find your website again, Sula's too, I really need to step up my game food wise. It has been so hot, I really need to develop some extraordinary good tasting morsels to stimulate our appetites. We are living on smoothies, salads, and deli food. No air con in my house, so it is really hard to stand in the kitchen. Really, it's been too hot to be upstairs at all! (we live upstairs and make art in the studio/workspace downstairs) No problem with 'witchy' , I am sure if it was 100 years ago, I would be one of the weird wild ladies they would string up...
staynsane, yay! Glad you came! Love your peeky picture!
Howdy to everyone else i haven't mentioned by name.WOW! I am sitting outside in the shade, and this HUGE iridescent beetle was just whirring by me! It looked like he wanted to land on me! I had to discourage him from that, but he was so pretty! Emerald green, cobalt blue, and a wicked purple! So pretty.
Our fearless mayor must be pooped from making all those capes!
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Tomboy- Exactly. What you said.
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and my echo is perfect...in fact my EF went up... thank you for allowing me to visit crazy town!
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Tresjoli- Yay! Sending in the dancing girls and party poppers! 💃🏿💃🏿💃🏿💃🏿💃🏿💃🏿💃🏿💃🏿💃🏿💃🏿💃🏿🎈🎈🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
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hmmm, wonder if my tummy ache was cancer of the spleen, I did think I was having a heart attack at one point but doc said acid indi and since the Tums seems to have cured it then guess she is better at diagnostic stuff than me, course she does have a medical degree
dang house is clean and just back from my lovely pool time so now, relaxing and trying to decide on dinner for a still tender tummy
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I hope it's not my tummy. I've been having weird cravings for old recipes I haven't made in years. Near my new home is a butcher who sources local grass-fed beef with no hormones and does a beautiful job with it. Very clean, very fresh. I hardly eat red meat but since chemo finished I've been craving it. So I made some 5 alarm chili with a mixture of Hatch and Dixon chili powder from NM. Yum. Decided Ibetter have some cornbread. It's in the oven now.
Dang! Can anybody smell that?
I continue to wonder why, if they can attach audio to video, why I can't put an "aromalink".....
Insert link here. (This should be blue so y'all can click on it and smell this cornbread!)
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Sula- if you are out there today and can kick the monkey off your computer, could you point me in the direction of a good source/cookbook/blog for making Indian? I have been taking supplements but I think I would be happier incorporating it into real food.
Thanks in advance.
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Katy, the grass fed meat sounds tempting to me, I sort of stopped eating red meat after the diagnosis but would definitely go for some of that great beef. I also would love if Sula suggested a good Indian cookbook. My cleaning gal just left and said she was trying to find some good Indian recipes as she had a really almost deadly allergic reaction to some Indian Food. Fortunately she works as a nurse for an Indian doc so she is fine but now stays out of Indian restaurants and wants to try stuff on her own but so far, it is not coming out!
my stomach cancer is much better tonight and fresh roasted eggplant seems good to me
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Indian food: Madhur Jaffrey's cookbooks?
But definitely wishing for an aroma attachment to posts.
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good suggestion as she is the classic expert, think I might have one of her books
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Certainly also very approachable in her writing. (I was first aware of her as an actress.) I think I shall go sit on the porch and read cookbooks, drooling helplessly.
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oooh, sitting on the deck reading cookbooks? sounds like a grand idea!
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