CRAZY TOWN WAITING ROOM - TESTS coming up? All Stages Welcome.
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I am.
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I am so sorry, M0mmy! May the memories of your friendship be a blessing!
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(((M0mmy))).May his memory be for a blessing.
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Thank you all. Still dealing with this, slept pretty lousy.
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(Warning: self-pitying insomniac rant ahead):
Everything is going to hell in a handbasket--and it's not even about my health. (Each problem is seemingly trivial but in the aggregate it's making me a wreck). My travails regarding my leaking ancient water heater & rattling old boiler can be found in excruciating detail over on the How About Drinking? thread. (Long story short--nobody willing to fix the boiler or sell me a new one; and had to buy a new water heater--and they're coming first thing Monday morning to install it and haul the old one away. That's three days in a row I will have less than 6 hrs. sleep). Ditto having had my Facebook account hacked 4 times in 4 days--was advised by my security person to change my AppleID password too, lest that had been hacked. So I did, put in my Keychain, and thought all was well. After all, I was able to log into iCloud.com with it.
But then I got a message from Apple that "some services may not be available until you log in again." So I tried, only to find that Keychain hadn't saved my password--and because it was one of those "strong" passwords Apple's random generator had suggested, I couldn't remember it. But not to worry--click "forgot password" and I could reset it, using my admin password for the computer, right? Nope--spinning ratchet cursor, and then "An unknown error occurred." Tried it another 5 times--same "unknown error." So I called AppleCare...and was on hold for half an hour. Finally got that straightened out. But I'm still dreading checking my e-mail, lest I find my FB has been hacked again.
About an hour before that misadventure we got a call (at midnight) from our housekeeper (of 35 years)--her husband is back in the hospital, the ICU this time. (He is a prostate cancer survivor and brittle T2 diabetic about to go on dialysis--and he collapsed for the third time this week, unable to keep even water down). Bob agrees that the situation looks grave. And she had to postpone her own mammogram--every year I get scanxiety for her worse than for myself (she's not a bc survivor but I hope she never has to be).
Then there's the Bar Assn. Show (aka The Bar Show). I've been in it every year since 2002 (except for 2015 when I had breast cancer--not knowing what my treatment would entail and not wanting to be cast only to pull out and let everyone down--or worse, give a half-assed performance due to illness, I only wrote for it that year). I've never been part of the "in" crowd (never been in a big firm, not an alum of a local law school), so never got to play a major character--but over the years I began getting some small but memorable solo and duo/quartet turns, speaking parts in other scenes, and even played guitar onstage some years. I had wondered whether my age & weight may have had something to do with it. So I figured this year after losing 45+ lbs. I might have a fighting chance. Nope. Other than the four full-cast choral numbers and one small (12 member) chorus backing up the lead soloists, I am in one quartet--with eight bars of a solo and less dialogue than anyone else in the scene. Not only that, the one woman with possibly the worst voice in the show (but who is production coordinator) is in both numbers with me--as well as in the other closest thing to a solo I get (a 4-bar duet in the full-cast choral closer), in which she warble-screeches the melody while I get stuck with a devilishly difficult (it's a Sondheim parody, for all you musical theater fans, so you understand) alto line beneath. And she gets another speaking part in another scene. The "cool kids" get at least two, maybe three major characters in featured numbers, especially those who work in megafirms and large gov't offices and can easily sell 50-100 tickets and maybe even rope in a sponsor or two. Me? In my one turn in the spotlight, I get to play...myself. (And variations on that in the full and small chorus numbers).
Look, I know there are no small parts, only small players. But after 17 yrs. in the show, you'd think I wouldn't have ended up this small, especially since there are less talented and less experienced people getting more to do. To add insult to injury, we are exhorted by the producer to sell at least 10 tickets each--encouraged to tell our friends & colleagues what fun they will have getting to see us play some famous person or other. (Being retired I don't have any colleagues--and the only way our friends are willing to come see the show is if we buy them the tickets and take them to dinner afterwards, especially since they can't afford to buy their own tickets). The past couple of years, I got to play one major character and some memorable bit speaking parts, and all our friends raved about my performances. Tonight I got shamed by the producer in an open-letter e-mail, in which he mentioned that nearly half the cast had yet to sell a single ticket--he didn't name names, but he threatened he absolutely will this coming Thursday. Bob's office nurses & secretaries all said they wanted to go, and the 10 tickets we bought last year didn't cover all of them. So Bob said to go ahead and buy 12 this time, and I did. And shortly thereafter, I got the casting list. I feel utterly humiliated--our friends are going to be disappointed at how little they're going to see of me. At least it won't have to be on their dime.
In all my years of performing (solo or ensemble), and all the disappointments over gigs not gotten, audiences too small for me to get re-booked, and contests not anywhere near won, this slight has hurt me the worst by far. You'd think that having gotten used to rejection by my age (and I have), no slap in the face could possibly sting. But I am cruelly and freshly reminded of the childhood humiliation of being picked last for teams and of the primal pain of being excluded. I think this will be my last year in the show. (I may even give up performing, period).
So I have to be up in time to drive down to the Loop by 10 am, ready to rehearse. It's 4 am and I lay awake for over 2 hrs., lump in my throat, jaw clenched, red with disappointed embarrassment. Same thing Sunday morning, every night this week, all day next weekend before our brief Thanksgiving week respite in London. And that's assuming my finicky cats don't run me ragged, nothing else in our house goes blooey and our housekeeper's husband stays alive. (If not, she will retire to Alabama where her sisters live). I have no idea how I am going to get through this weekend.
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Sandy, those slights hurt, especially when they are part of a lifelong pattern. I, too am unathletic and was always chosen last for teams in PE. I also need to avoid tight-fitting clothing because my nerves complain when pinched. I also had popularity problems because of sociological problems in the community where I was raised. Those lifelong slights hurt more deeply than something new.
I was never musically inclined, and my fingers were too slow for playing a musical instrument, although I tried. I have always been aware that my body is abysmally equipped for carrying extra weight, but I have lost 25 pounds in the past year through diarrhea and going to the gym. Now the weather is colder and I can't use my mobility scooter in freezing temps, going to the gym would be getting expensive (taxi fare). Walking my dog does help.
Yesterday the weather was fine, so I got my scooter out and Tippy had fun playing sled-dog. At eighteen pounds and four years old, he is never going to do it in reality, but I do let him fantasize. He was relaxed during the rest of the day. I have to play music during most of the day to keep him calm. Dog relaxation music has a lot of high-frequency sounds. It is nice to turn over and find him sleeping next to me. His fur is so fine and silky, a tactile refreshment.
I have a little more income, by surprise, so getting an iPhone to use with equipment for the hearing impaired will now be doable.
I have been toughing through pain with the tooth extraction on Monday. I talked with a friend, and decided to start taking one acetaminophen and one ibuprofen every two hours to minimize stomach problems. I even woke up every two hours to take more, and used some old burritos from the freezer to soothe the pain. Oncologist reminded me about high blood pressure from pain. I do think my morning left-side headaches had something to do with one of the teeth, allergies, and sinuses.
I have my first post-mastectomy mammo on the 26th. Not worried, really, que sera, sera.
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Mary, thanks for indulging my snit-fit. Meanwhile, in your pocket for the dentist on Monday--besides the tylenol+ibuprofen (should be more like 2 and 3 or 4 every 4-7 hrs--the proportion is important), oil of cloves or even dipping your finger in ground cloves or sprinkling it on your coffee or tee should help. (Helps my singing partner in Madison, who has neither the $ nor time to go to the dentist). Once that tooth is out your sinuses should improve (but treat the sinuses as well--steaming and saline spray work wonders).
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Sandy,
We all wish this were different, and that everything (Except the most important,Health) weren’t crashing down on you all at once, leaving you hurt, vulnerable, wounded with painful childhood stuff coming to the surface. Much to mourn for all of us. And it’s not fair how Bar production people have excluded you, when in spirit and energy you’re probably younger than all of them( and more talented.) You do know how to get through the weekend though- the one minute at a time trick.
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I did write myself an extra line at the end of the dialogue going into the song in my one scene—won’t let on here, but it’s a catchphrase punch line that is very much in the news. (No, it’s not “OK Boomer”—a millennial says that in another scene). And they are letting me play either a farmer or a cow as an silent extra in the IA caucus scene. Any Chicagoland ladies who’d like to see the show, please PM me. I have tickets.
My housekeeper’s husband had a mild M.I., but they’ll also do an EGD and maybe capsule study on Monday to check for a GI bleed (which could explain the anemia). His kidney enzymes weren’t good, so they attempted a mini-dialysis session today, which caused his BP to tank (so his collapse yesterday was likely orthostatic hypotension). Still no idea what’s in store, but at least he’s started keeping a liquid diet down. He is in the Hines V.A. for the foreseeable future.
Will try to get at least 6 hrs. sleep tonight, as I had less than 3 last night and my back is killing me. Hoping the boiler guy can come Monday right after the water heater guys are finished, so I can get to rehearsal on time. Tues. is shot, since I have my annual derm appt. in Lake Bluff (blew off the last one) at 1:45pm—skin mapping, maybe lancing a huge sebaceous cyst on my back. The weird lesions I had all summer seem to have gone, so there’s nothing to biopsy (differential dx is psoriasis vs. nummular eczema vs.—gulp—mycosis fungoides, which is a very low grade and indolent form of cutaneous T-cell lymphoma; treatable with topical steroids). Again, it’s way up in the north burbs, and I hope I can get down to the Loop for 6pm rehearsal. Wed. is my last chance for a mani-pedi (and ingrown toenail tx) before leaving for London a week from Mon.—I wouldn’t be home before 2pm. I have nobody here to hold down the home repair fort. (Bob has graciously agreed to take out the garbage and kitty litter, as my MO warned me I’m probably still a bit immunocompromised).
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Sandy, a busy life, for sure. London will be sort of time out of time without sucky home responsibilities. Good you took charge and wrote yourself an extra line. My question is “ Why did MO say you were still a bit immunocompromised? I am, but not as far as I know, from BC, but from having my spleen removed 22 years ago.I forget though and still take out the garbage and kitty litter.
Judy
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Nothing too crazy going on for me this week except making the rolls for Thanksgiving dinner this week and normal stuff.
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Just catching up. ((((M0mmy)))) I am so sorry for the loss of your friend. Sandy, I hope your show went well and that everything straightened itself out. I hope London is fabulous. I need some direction from all of you. I saw my ONC surgeon on Tuesday and all was well. Wednesday morning as I was moisturizing my chest and neck ( it has been extremely dry here) I saw a lump on my clavicle. There is a small "mole" on it as well. I would never had seen if the light didn't reflect off the lotion. I had noticed a bit of a pulling sensation on that side but I have had a lump on my chest wall on the same side (right side non cancer side) for well over a year and it doesn't show up in imaging so everyone thinks it may be a stitch or something that migrated after my ruptured hematoma. Anyway, I don't see my dermatologist until February and like I said, I JUST saw my surgeon. I see my MO mid January. So, what would you do?
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Sandy ..Hope things have settled down for you ..sorry you were hurt like that !
mommy..I hope those rolls were yummy !
Molly ..ugh ..it must be only the smallest lump if you only noticed because you applied the moisturiser ?? Moles can be raised can't they ..was the mole always there ?..Honestly Molly ..it will be nothing ...but because I am such a worry -wart myself I'd have to have it checked out before Feb ...just to put my own mind at ease..Maybe the derm could see you earlier ..or your onc have area ultra sounded for you ???
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They will be.
Thank you Molly. It’s been a struggle with getting over my friend’s death, but it is better by degrees
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Last Saturday my favorite cousin passed away at 88 after years of struggle with Type 2 diabetes, arthritis, CHF, COPD and most recently bladder cancer. She suffered so. It was finally a massive stroke that felled her. The memorial was in Parkland, FL (her eldest daughter’s house) this past Saturday, and it was comforting to reconnect with what has become a huge network of family. Her husband (who is the “blood” first cousin) is 90, and is utterly lost without her: they were together for 74 years and he has been her full time caregiver for the past two years. We have all resolved to keep in much closer touch, including visiting more often. (They used to spend half the year RVing around the country, and we’d always go out together whenever they were in or near Chicago). It was also the first time in 2 years I’ve seen my sister who lives in n. VA—we both flew in to FLL on Jet Blue and out on SW so we could spend time together in the same terminals and share Ubers. We both had to miss major rehearsals (she’s a soloist with the Alexandria Singers, and has an upcoming holiday concert; I am in the Chicago Bar Assn’s annual musical “The Bar Show”) but our respective directors understood and wished us heartfelt sympathy.
Happy to report, though, I have a brand new water heater, fully-repaired boiler, and no dermatological issues whatsoever. (The lump on my back turned out to be a lipoma, not worth treating. I never wear backless clothes anyway).
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I have so much going on. The holidays, obedience school postponed to January, but Tippy goes to the spa on Tuesday, depending on the weather. Dental work, first post-diagnosis mammo tomorrow. Last Herceptin coming up, then the decision on removing the port. First week of December I get to talk with the county's liaison person for adaptive equipment for the disabled, on a cellphone to hook up with all sorts of goodies, but numero uno is my HA's. I will get through this, I have been through worse. I think.
Plus for some strange reason my left shoulder has been horriffically in pain. I was going to make an appt with PCP about some med for it. Of course, I forget acetaminophen until I am in agony. The TENS helps.
I probably ought to get a haircut for myself, too. This is a wild mess.
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Mary, you look great. Hope you feel better. I know you’ve had it “up to here” with surgery, but they do replace shoulders now.
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The mammo was clear. We discussed my dog's sixth sense when it comes to my health, and doctor agreed that it could be beneficial to watch his behavior around me. If anything, to relax me. I adjusted the height of my desk chair, that might help.
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Amazing how one little ergonomic factor can mean the difference between pain & comfort !
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Molly...I'd get the lump/mole checked out by MO sooner than Feb..maybe in between Thanksgiving and the Dec holidays...I'd want to put it off, but that would make me just too, well you know, crazy...hoping it is nothing!
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Molly, hopefully a shave biopsy will show that the lesion is a nothingburger. Meanwhile, Happy Thanksgiving from across the pond (vacationing in London)
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Hello crazies,
I hope you all had a good Thanksgiving. Mine was lovely. My son got married on Halloween and we threw a reception for them when they came down for Thanksgiving. I noticed this morning that I also have a lump on my right shoulder and my clavicle appears to be swollen all across my chest and some swelling in my neck. I called my surgeon (she gets things done faster than anyone) and she is in surgery today but her nurse scheduled me to see the NP this afternoon. NP wants to examine me before they order any scans. I am proud of myself for even calling. I am so overwrought and depressed from my grief that I can tend to be rather fatalistic about myself.
Sandy, so sorry for the loss of your dear cousin. Hugs all around.
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Molly ..oh ! congrats to your son ! It's good you can get into the NP today ...hopefully she can get you in for a scan quickly so you don't have to worry . Praying for great results for you ..hugs
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Ah, Molly, please keep us updated! What a mix of happy and anxiety producing news.
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Molly I think of you often....hope all is okay and your NP orders scans to rule out EVERYTHING!
I know the grief of losing a child must be overwhelming!
Hugs,
Di
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Well she didn't think it's anything, she is going to order an ultrasound anyway. When did I become this sad, broken and scared woman?
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Molly ..you have been through so much ! More than most of us can imagine ! You must be gentle on yourself ..I see you as a strong , caring , loving Mum ..who has always held her family together !
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Thank you, Lucy ❤️
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Molly, ditto what Lucy said!
xoxox and hugs.
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I am heartbroken this morning. Just got news that my step-grandfather passed away. I will miss him terribly. Another WWII vet gone.
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