Light from around the world for LongTermSurvivor/Stephanie
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Stephanie, thank you for sharing "you" with all of us. You are amazing.
Mary Anne
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thinking of you Stephanie
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Stephanie- this has been a hard road for you. You have shown such compassion to others and so much grace with your pain and suffering. I pray you are released into the heavens to be free from suffering. I join the great big circle of love and compassion supporting you on your journey home. Blessings and lovingkindness dear Stephanie. (((Hugs))) and much love rosevalley
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(((Stephanie))) We have been so blessed by your participation in and wide range of contributions to these discussion boards. You are a wealth of information and have been a wonderful catalyst for some great discussions. I hope you realize how very much you are loved by so many of us. You are in my prayers. Deanna
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Oh sweet ones!
Thank you for your loving kindness and holding me in such regard!
After a week's absence from my personal blog, I wrote last night:
"I'm alive, just really sick...right now that looks like waking every 60-90 minutes all night long with a variety of symptoms - dry mouth, pain, nausea (not vomiting!), urinary urgency & retention (cancer leaning on bladder), pooping at 1 or 3 AM and shortness of breath.
"During the day it looks like morning appointments with hospice nurses; shifts with afternoon caregivers; trying to get some "work" done and sleeping far more than waking - often sleeping for 2 to 2 1/2 hours at a stretch, because symptoms better controlled. But awake less than 2 hours before sleeping again."
It's true!
But the part I didn't say is that my work consists not only of full-time-plus patience, but also tending my relationships here at bco and with my other communities (human and beyond). I've been writing up instructions for managing my house and what I want when I can no longer speak or move on my own behalf. The multitude of tasks multiplies, rather than diminishes.
Three weeks ago, I turned over nine banker boxes of my private and published writing to the Gay and Lesbian History Project of the SF Bay Area. Getting it together for its departure was a huge undertaking, as it meant sorting through 40+ years of my personal and public past. It also meant letting go of many items (journals) that I will likely never see or touch or read again. It was like giving my shadow self up for adoption. Whew!
Last week, my Circle of Care members met to strengthen our commitment to work together for my end-of-life period, preparation of my body after death for a 3-day after-death at-home vigil and funeral. Since I don't have a partner or offspring, the usual people to care for a dying person, I'm reliant on a couple of close relatives and the gathering of friends. Most of us came together in early 2012, when it seemed I'd die soon. Ha!
This coming Wednesday, those who will care for me as I'm dying will meet with my hospice nurse. Several have already met with my hospice social worker on anticipatory grief (no, I don't know who or what was said, but tensions were eased). Back in 2012, we also enjoyed a personal grief ritual of transformation with Francis Weller where feelings were expressed, shared, turned over to the divine/ancestors and released.
A few weeks ago, I participated in my last anointing with members of my Circle of Care and my congregation of The Christian Community: Movement for Religious Renewal.
Here I am divulging all sorts of secret, personal information about who and what has kept me going for so long - my activism, love, belief in transformation and my esoteric Christian faith practices.
At bco, I usually keep these aspects of my life quiet and dodge the "what's kept you alive so long?" questions, because this has been my own unique quest into the unknown. My secrets to survival aren't really basic good health hygiene/support and the mistletoe-based anti-cancer medication Iscador. They only act within the larger matrix of my life.
You get to forge your own path into your own unknown!
We live in a materialistic society that promotes survival of the body over the thriving of the spirit/soul. I've chosen to nurture and support the latter.
It's been more important to find common ground here at bco, than to focus on what sets me apart, what is uniquely mine.
Now, it's 3:30 AM. I woke an hour ago with nausea, though not vomiting. Soon I will sleep again. And give more and more of myself to sleep.
This is an odd, slow dying that may take many more days or weeks. I pray it doesn't take months. I don't think I'm strong enough to undergo many more months of disintegration, no matter how good my systems of support!
Friends, I will continue to come to bco, because you are my friends and I can still support you in a variety of ways.
Thanks for listening this morning!
Thank you all for sharing yourselves and your stories and images and writings of what you love.
Each of us truly makes a difference for one another, the wider world!
Best regards always, Stephanie
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Oh, Stephanie. Thank you so much for being you. This thread is called 'light from around the world for LongTermSurvivor/Stephanie' but I think that it really is light from Stephanie sent round the world. Love & peace to you ....
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Sending you a gentle hug Stephanie. I think of you often and I'm so grateful for all you have taught me
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Sending you gentle hugs and love. You are in my thoughts every day.
Cathy
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Best wishes for your care and comfort Stephanie
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I was so worried Stephanie that your friend's post meant you wouldn't be posting. I knew you voted and were sleeping a lot. I am glad to see you are back sorry about the nausea, pain, elimination issues and misery. We are all thinking about you and wishing you well on this journey. hugs!
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Stephanie, thank you for everything you have given us here. Still posting about it all in the midst of everything you are going through. I hope it will not take many months to complete the process either. You have certainly impacted us all greatly in everything you have written and shared. Though we will miss you when the time comes, I know this will end the long road you have been on. You are inspiring to us all. Gentle hugs from me to you as well.
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Stephanie, Thank you for sharing your gift with us. I am new to these boards and your words have brought be much strength and peace to embrace and accept myself as a 54 yo child of God who is bisexual and accepted by a loving caring husband of 5 years. I have been struggling with accepting I am worthy of Gods (higher power) grace and your words brought me comfort and a thought that maybe I am worthy of His love.
I am currently between chemo and surgery and I decided it was a good time to take a two week friends/family road trip through the west coast. We moved to WA last year however I grewup in So. California. We have made 14 stops so far with a couple of more to go. What a blessing to connect and thank everyone who has reached out to me with their prayers, love, and support over the past 6 months.
Here is a picture I took on a evening walk along the beach in Redondo Beach.
My love and prayers of peace and strength to you; an amazing spirit and an example to all of us.
Sandra
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Stephanie- sending you love and comfort during this time of transition. May you find an easy transition that will allow your spirit to sore.
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Sending love and prayers of comfort to you.
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Stephanie - praying for peace and comfort for you right now. You have been such a wonderful teacher to so many of us and I have appreciated your wisdom, love, and kindness. Thank you - you have truly touched my life.
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Ah, Stephanie, so many thanks to you for the ways you have touched me.
I was at a quilting retreat this weekend with my best friend. I started a quilt that I hope is going to be my best ever and I decided a few days ago that it's going to be named Stephanie after you, with a description permanently put on the back of the quilt. If there is anything you would like said, please let me know.
With love,
JJ
P.S. Here is one block and a four-block patch of it. I got about 40 blocks done out of 156 needed.
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Sending peace and love to you from Southern California. May God's love and peace fill you. I pray you won't be suffering from nausea anymore.
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Stephanie you have been a beacon of light and hope and graciousness during your long struggle. May you find the peace and light you so richly deserve. Spread your wings and soar away from the shell of your body and the pain of living onearth.
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Stephanie,
I am in awe of you. Your strength alone is simply amazing and gives so many hope. And your posts, so informative, beautiful and loving. I didn't realize you have a thread outside of the stage IV forum until I saw the link in the death and dying thread today, so imagine my glee in being able to post.
Your signature "with loving kindness" is one that I'll always remember of you. Perfect description of you, loving kindness. You have quite a legacy here and no one will ever forget you. Thank you for being a blessing in all of our lives here at bco. I wish you comfort, peace and love. You are in my thoughts and prayers. With much love and respect..
I created an album for you with photos taken over the years of good ole CA. Password is lovingkindness
http://s58.photobucket.com/user/Artista92864/library/?sort=3&page=1
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I pray you have a peaceful journey. I know God is waiting for you in a wonderful place. I am so glad I found this thread and met you and all your supporters here. Sending cyberhugs from Roseburg, OR this morning.
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Thinking of you always, Stephanie. Sending light and love and lovingkindness to you.
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Dear Stephanie
Thank you for bringing light to so many lives - your words have helped me through some very dark times.
I think of you often and pray for comfort and peace for you. Sending love from Ireland with this song
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Stephanie, I am on vacation in San Antonio. Although I am not Catholic, I lit a candle for you at the old Mission San Jose. Sending light and love your way.
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Dear Stephanie,
You've been the light for many of us through this journey. Sending you thoughts of comfort, peace and light.
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Finally got this little hummer in flight. Very hard to do!
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Stephanie, I am changed for the better having "known" you. Your wisdom and guidance will help so many in the future who read here. Sending Love.
ShetlandPony
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We sang one of my favorite hymns at church last weekend. I especially love the last few lines... Love has found you Stephanie
1 For the fruit of all creation,
thanks be to God.
For his gifts to every nation,
thanks be to God.
For the plowing, sowing, reaping,
silent growth while we are sleeping,
future needs in earth's safe-keeping,
thanks be to God.2 In the just reward of labor,
God's will is done.
In the help we give our neighbor,
God's will is done.
In our world-wide task of caring
for the hungry and despairing,
in the harvests we are sharing,
God's will is done.3 For the harvests of the Spirit,
thanks be to God.
For the good we all inherit,
thanks be to God.
For the wonders that astound us,
for the truths that still confound us,
most of all, that love has found us,
thanks be to God.0 -
Everyone, thank you for your kind reflections - I feel loved, held, safe and released - a paradoxical state of being. Thank you, a year ago, I wouldn't have looked for help here, but what a difference 11 months have made. I'm grateful for all you've taught and shared of yourselves.
Grateful too that this topic is a safe and happy place for you to visit and to share what you love. This place too is of light and love!
Another day of physical deterioration and corresponding hard work!
It takes more focus and surrender and awareness of the spiritual world to die than I ever could have guessed. Am glad I'm not snowed on painkillers, but what others see as "doing nothing" and needing of their interruptive caring, I experience as intrusive!
For four years I was a volunteer hospital chaplain. I so wish I knew then what I know now. It was arrogant to assume my company was more valuable than their hard, inner work.
Ruth, Guadalupe, goddess of the Americas, is my gal. I've given away many artifacts depicting her image in a variety of forms, so my friends can experience her sacred connection and tough-tender love. My cottage is a sacred place of beauty, rest and divine presence, but there are still too many books.
Gma Foley, that hummingbird photo is magnificent. There are many hummingbird plants outside my windows and I watch the birds dart and dance.
Everyone, your art, poetry, music and STORIES make a real difference.
all love all the time, Stephanie
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Stephanie, thank you for all your posts. This is a special tree in our woods; we call it Dancing Tree. Maybe I posted it before? Not sure.
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