My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer
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Also thank you for the photo of Berry CAT. The Mocha flavor is excellent!
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BooBoo~It's funny it just hit me that my nickname from my father was boo! I loved it when he said it. I have not really been doing too good since he passed. I realize I have been pushing down a lot of things while he was out of my life. Pushing it down and forcing it away. Trying to be indifferent because of my step mother and the toxic way I felt about her. It's years of sorrow topped off with a scan trigger and the freaking waiting! This month has sucked!!!! May will never be the same for me. Again. Just Being introduced to my new “new" normal without my father. Alive. Ugh grief sucks. Cancer sucks ! You're a sweet woman, I always wished you never moved. Even before my loss. You are special to me. Boo? Too coincidental thank you!
Sandi~ Thank you lovely lady I am trying to dig deep I had no idea this is what people went through with grief I mean I was always afraid of it, but it just proves the phrase of “walk a mile in someone's shoes" Sometimes life is the most amazing thing and it's beautiful in every way. Once something changes the way you see things You just never ever recover, I look outside now and things aren't as beautiful or vibrant. It's an immediate loss, knowing right behind my dad and loosing him, I very well may have stared in the face my own future way earlier than one would ever imagine. (Gutteral moan)
You ladies ground me thank you! For being here
Also* we are having horrible storms and tornadoes here one touched town miles from my home and it went through my yard I saw the funnel clouds. Pease be safe out there. Please take care and stay safe my wonderful sisters!! ❤️😙💙
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p.s.s. The Berry was also delicious but ran right threw me. The tech mentioned mocha. I was told the flavors are only in the docs office and that the hospitals haven't gotten them yet. Mocha for me too! No more hand lotion! Yay now find the Effin cure. Am i right ?
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P.s.s.s. We hit 9k ladies. My loving second family ! Thanks! 🥰💙❤️ Love to all!!
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micmel, I’m sorry about your grief, which is understood, however, it’s your daily grief that concerns me sometimes. I so wish you could find more joy in life when things are ok. You’re so thoughtful and kind, it pains me that you’re not getting out, having adventures and living it up. I wish your time in the darkness is short and the sun shines on you soon 🙂
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Micmel, the only thing that helps grieving is time. My Father passed away 39 years ago today. I was 22 years old. I can honestly say that I still think of him every day of my life. He was an excellent Father, a loving Father. You will never forget your Dad, but try to live your life as he would have wanted you to live. He would want you to make the most of every day, for You, your husband, your children. Time will heal. Thinking of you, lots of love x
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Mae~ my sweet friend. I am sitting here smiling at you. That is the most heart felt text I have ever seen you write to me. I always would like to be able to be more like you and the way you handle things. You're amazing. I mean it. That helped me what you said because you know what. I don't enjoy anything anymore. Nothing except being alone and watching my shows that take me to another place. I enjoyed decorating the bra. I enjoyed taking care of my father. I think I need to volunteer an hour or so someplace each week. It would help me. You're correct when you say I don't ever feel as if things are ok. I don't even think I'll ever feel that way. I just have to take it as it comes. I suppose. Thank you for your sweet thoughts I adore you friend!
Minnie~ I can imagine why you would think of your dad everyday. How could you help it? I'm in the phase of seeing all the pictures and memories that are ripping my soul out. I know it will get better but I honestly still think I'm in shock. It hasn't been 26 days. It's been 17. And I can't even count. Wtf is wrong with me.
Not to mention waiting for the damn scans. Literal torture to pile ontop. You're all strong women and I'm lucky to have you all to talk to. Thank you so much.
Much love ~M~
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A tornado crossed behind our field behind our development and then went up to the very next town. It’s pretty bad and a lot of people have a power outage. I hope everyone is safe tonight. i saw the funnel above the field and trees. My house was shaking and the hail was horrible, it sounded like my house was shaking. I hope everyone is ok out there !!0 -
Micmel, I lingered a long time over the keyboard, knowing that what I felt compelled to type would be controversial and fly in the face of your grief and all the support that everyone is giving you. You have to believe me when I say this is offered in the spirit of wrestling something free that seems to be tied up in you. But it's not going to be pretty and you may well hate me when I'm done. But I forge ahead because I believe there is a spark of truth in what I am about to say.
I loved my dad. He was my hero. He loved me. I was his pride and joy. He was a brilliant, amazing, astonishing human. My admiration of him was to the moon and back. He died when I had just turned 27 and it destroyed me. There is one thing I have seen happen over and over and it had the distinct smell of bullshit about it. That the dead person was suddenly promoted into sainthood. Every good thing about them was remembered and spoken of - which is all you can do in the face of grief. But it has to be remembered that people are people. Our parents are people. Our parents make mistakes and have failures and glaring deficiencies in decision making or moral judgement and when we do not call a spade a spade when we need to .... well, it's just not honest and it clouds reality.
You seem to carry a great deal of bitterness and resentment towards stepmonster and rightly so from your description. However, your father's own choices and actions cannot be discounted. She might have been a beast. But he chose her. He stayed with her. He was a free, thinking adult. He was under no obligation to make the choices he did. But he did. HIs kids paid the price. Not all of that can be laid at the feet of stepmonster.
Sometimes it feels that if we say that our dead parent wasn't perfect, it's the same as not loving them. That is not true. You can love an imperfect person. In fact, we all have to! They're the only people available! I think on some level you are mad at your dad for the choices he made and you have felt it's safer to lump all that blame on stepmonster. While she can be blamed for her own actions, she could not take a man away from his children who was not willing to let that happen. God that sounded ugly and harsh as I typed it. But somewhere in there is perhaps a shift in what you're feeling. Because while you feel gut ripping grief, I think there is also a conflict with anger. I can freely admit that my hero dad really messed up in some pretty damaging ways. That there is more he could have done for my life, but instead of paying attention he jetted off to his own next adventure. He didn't pay too much attention to how we were doing. That wasn't his job. It should have been. I needed it to be. I didn't get what I needed. I blame him for that and that's because he is, indeed, to blame.
You are spending a lot of energy pitting bad stepmonster against good father and you need that energy to be better spent on your own recovery. If you were able to say, 'yeah, my dad made stupid choices and we paid the price for that and I have to blame him for that, not her. She is just a person. ' You might be able to take one small step back from what is keeping you so tied up in grief. You are defending a dad in your heart when it might be more truthful to say that he did a few things that were indefensible. He was human. He failed. You love him anyway. And in allowing that he was not all good, it might allow the slightest bit of room for stepmom to not be all bad. Oh, she's still plenty bad! But you have been in the middle holding back two boulders rolling in to crush you: his goodness and her badness. Let go of them. Quit believing in them so solidly. Allow your dad to be less than perfect, allow him to be responsible for what he is indeed responsible for, and entertain the thought that stepmonster is also fallible, but not responsible for all the bad stuff.
In your state of grief you will be mad at me and think, Runor has lost her frikkin mind! But I haven't. It seems brutal to say your father should carry blame. But he should! And I know that in seeing him as human, and not superhuman, in being able to admit he let you down, I know admitting these things which seem taboo - will give you some rest. You might begin to see the whole situation in a different light. It won't fix anything - what happened, happened. But it can change how you feel about it. It can shift the burden you are carrying. It's not a burden you have to carry!!! You can lay that down and step away. Keeping someone on a pedestal is too much work. I speak from knowledge. I am telling you what I lived. It was a relief. My dad was not perfect. He messed up. I can quit pretending now. I can quit working so hard to make him so wonderful. He WAS wonderful - but he was also a shit. Makes him real and makes his loss a bit more bearable.
Like Mae, I worry about you on a deep level. What I have written here is not all love and kisses . It is hard. But I see you bound and struggling. Untie yourself, friend. Untie yourself so you can finally breathe.
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Runor~My sweet friend , this is why I made this Thread, family in the title because of my life and my disfunctional family. (Not that I am the only one by any means). When I read your warning I immediately paid attention, I knew you were lingering. I knew you'd speak when you saw fit to. I am not a judge-mental type of person. My DH said the same exact thing to me last night while I was beating myself up over what I could have done differently. My sister and I have also talked about it for sure. I agree there is not sainthood. That's why I wrote how could you leave these faces? I wrestle back and forth with both. While there are many reasons to dis like the step mother. (Graduated from monster) I was civil and I respected their marriage the entire time. Because the little girl inside me realizes, she loved me too in her strange ways. I was a tug of war object they would battle over. I had many times been asked to move in with them. But as much as I loved my father. She is just too annoying. Too loud and obnoxious. When they say opposites attract they aren't kidding. She has been glomming onto me and my family now, because we are the ones that stepped up. I went with my mind convinced it was to honor my father. I am just again picking up the pieces of a broken relationship dealing with her. Usually my father was the buffer and smoothed things as much as he could. Now I have to either learn to accept her in our lives. With her being respectful to my DH (A MUST). I did put him on a pedastool. (Spelling) that hit me hard when I read it, because that's exactly what I was doing. It's easy to blame her because she isn't a very nice person about anything. Maybe that was easier than admitting my father had failed miserably. But it does take two to tango. Yes it does. I guess inside of myself. It's one disappointment after another. After you reach a certain age. The rose colored glasses can no longer hide the imperfections of our history. Thank you friend. I could never ever be upset with honest feelings or opinions. (It is why we lost Lynne 50's because she felt I got upset which I honestly didn't and wouldn't I love her) ). Why would I put it out here unless I wanted, or needed your experiences and understanding of what I'm going through.?You taking the time to share with me. Is why i am here. Runor You're very special to me. I would never get upset at any anything you do. No one. That would be counter productive.
Mae~. Thank you and you're right. I've lost the ability to be happy when things are stable. I've lost the ability to look at the place I call my life the same. Even the people. I'm so afraid of loss and death, that having seen this up close it makes what I, we are going through all that more real. It was up close and so very personal. That it's shocked my soul. I'm ok. Honestly. But I am a writer and a feeling talker. Always have been. Sometimes I feel like I put down the sadness. I leave behind all the happy times. Thank you ladies for your honesty.
I love you guys!! ❤️
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Runor. I, too have seen friends try to white- wash husbands, parents and siblings after their deaths. Big mistake. The worst I've seen recently is my DS MIL. Her husband of almost forty years dropped dead of a heart attack almost two years ago. As if that would not be hard enough, they found out he was living a double life. Instead of being a millionaire, as he claimed he was and as his family thought he was, he was millions in debt!!!! His wife and family had absolutely no idea. The grief of his death was overshadowed by his fraud. But, now his wife is trying to white wash what he did. Oh, he loved us and didn't do anything in a malicious way, she says. Are you kidding me? He certainly did! My poor DIL is looking at it straight on. Not denying the truth. So, she and her mom are not getting along well at all.
It is a complicated set of emotions and reality. I would wish it on no one. Add in having children who adored their Papi. It's a fine line to try to help them remember good things until they are old enough to understand the truth. The aftermath needs to be met head on in order to heal. White-washing is harmful in every way to all the survivors.
That said, I'm not referring to you, Micmel, just recounting an event and the consequences. Give yourself time, don't make any big decisions. YOU did a good thing, you did the right thing, you did the honorable thing. Try not to analyze right now, just be. The big picture will be revealed to you at some point but not today.💞
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Grannax~Wow.. another example of experience that I needed to hear. I realize this is all raw and new for me. But you’re all exactly correct when you say I was putting him on a pedastool. That’s exactly what I was doing. The second I read that. I was like OMG. She’s right! Bam! I felt lighter being able to recognize what I was in fact doing and I am able to really breathe a little easier. I did do the right thing. I was there for him. I was the child who stepped up. It is so helpful sometimes. Being here then anywhere. Here you get the raw truth. And sometimes in life the people who know you, only tell you what they think you want to hear. No DH though. He has been telling me exactly the entire time. I just needed to see clearly and let time clear my thoughts. I know my scan was triggering right alongside it all. Just really shitty timing !
Thank you alll!!!!!!!!!! Sisters for sure !
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Runor, I have the utmost respect for your bravery, saying what needs to be said when it might sound harsh in a time of incredible grief 👏👏👏
Micmel, this thought helped me, it may help you too.
If you were told you had 2 years to live, would you live it as you do now?
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Runor, Grannax: wise words.
Micmel, I love your instinct about volunteering. It can be very healing to step outside of ourselves and help someone... it's frankly a relief to be a helper, not a victim, for an hour or two.
Since my diagnosis-- because one of my biggest sadnesses was perhaps never getting to be a grandmother-- I have been helping a friend once per week with her 1 and 3 year old for the afternoon. I decided why not get in some surrogate grandmotherhood in, while I could? She needed the help and I needed somewhere to go be useful in a quiet way, by rocking a sleepy baby or playing blocks with a 3 year old. I did it all through chemo (skipping treatment weeks)-- and it was so healing, just to hang out with these adorable kids, who were totally unconscious of my illness and just natural and fun.... and their mom was so grateful.
Answering a hotline, or providing online support, or tutoring can even be done from home. It's good to know we can be joy-givers even if not feeling joyful ourselves... it gets the ball rolling!
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Mae~I think if I wasn't such a zombie all of the time , and didn't have such fatigue. I may do-things differently. I wish I could travel more with out pain. It's the locale of my spine met that gets me every time. But honestly if I were told that. I would just love a little harder, talk a little longer, listen more intently. Respect everyone I met. Having realized putting this cancer aside. I've had a great life and I am loved by the most incredible man in the world. I would give my life for him and the kids. So maybe emotionally I would try to shape things differently in my mind. I don't know how I would feel honestly. But in a way maybe I feel that way already. Maybe all along I'm still grieving my cancer. Topping it with scans, bloodwork, death of my father. Birthday with a party, (which was wonderful!!!!! Admitting good things! ) and then the very next day my father's memorial. Just spun out a bit with this entire month. I'm going pick my ass up after I get my scan results. Waiting is hard. Aren't you ever afraid
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“There is a grace in denial. It is nature's way of letting in only as much as we can handle.
—Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
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I know I always said my kids floated there once in a while. But now i have joined them. Maybe it was a bit of that and a bit of runor and Grannaxs views really helps. That’s seriously why I made this thread for views and sharing and support someone else may not be able to explain or even understand! I agree some hard topics are discussed but I can agree with Mae. It needed to be said. Thanks ladies !!0 -
hi just popping in to share the news that my scans came back all good and I’m still stable!!! Time to celebrate 🎉 (I’m celebrating from my bed!!!!)
Wishing everyone who is waiting for scan results lots of love and good scan results.
Hugs and love,
Py
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Yay for stable scans Philly! 🎉🎈
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Yay!!!!!! 🥰🥰. Philly!!!!!!!
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Yay Philly! Great news!!
Divine, Great quote, that’s me, in denial! I know enough to realize what I’m in for. But day to day I’m living life and making plans. One good scan has given me a mental boost too.
Mae, I like the question about how would you live if you knew you had only two years left. For me, I would travel with my DH as much as possible (we both enjoy that) and I’d try to be more expressive to my family and friends about how much they mean to me. No time like the present to do that, just a little out of my comfort zone.
Mel, there are a lot of wise women here. I hope they’ve given you some comfort/ perspective /hope. My own dad once said to me in a beautiful card during a difficult time, “Dear daughter, one day the sun will shine for you again”. We lived 14 hours apart so phone, mail, and email were our main methods of communication and that card meant so much to me. I needed to hear that and my dad saying it made it that much sweeter. I believe that for most of us experiencing loss, that one day the sun will shine for us again.
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Mae~Lol I still can’t believe how much that looks like you!! That’s awesome. Lol
Rosie~ there are sweet wonderful sisters here that I care deeply for. This thread is my second family. It’s like cheers. You come and go and are always welcome. No matter how long. No matter what mood. !!
It’s looking bad outside again here. Tornadoes have been all around... looks bad again. Good grief !
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A lot of good perspectives shared here. Diversity of thoughts, experiences and perspectives is a great thing and makes us all the wiser.
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I agree!! It's another reason I made it! I feel that when people are honest. No stone is left unturned!! Another crazy weather night. Hope everyone is safe.
If I am putting out things and asking perspectives, sometimes it may not be exactly what I might want to hear. But what kind of person would I be, if I couldn't hear. Others opinions and thoughts Pretty stupid!! You are special ladies. All of you.
Parry are you ok ? ❤️
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I can understand the sainting of a loved one who's passed. My mother suffered from mental illness and when she was in the throes of it, us kids were terrorized by that side of her. When she was sane, she was very sweet, docile, kind and caring. As a kid, you learn skills to survive that roller coaster, hating the mental illness part of her, protecting your inner being. As an adult, you find compassion but don't fully recover from the damaging effects the mental illness caused in the relationship.
We kids were always the adults towards her and she was the child. I was almost 40 when mom passed, and she'd been her kind, loving self for several years, undergoing open heart surgery then eventually having complications. We bent over backwards caring for her. The few days after she died, my grief was unbearable.
Then one night I had a dream. The terrifying voice my mother possessed when her mental illness was active called out to me and for a split second, I felt the the hatred towards her that I used to have when I had to deal withher mental illness. I hadn't felt that hatred in years and had even forgot about it. But deep, deep down inside my very being, I felt a tiny pin prick of release from the grief of losing her, remembering the side of my mother that haunted me and was hard to break free from as a child.
Upon waking, I never, ever was able to conjure up that hateful feeling towards her again, I “remembered" it, like I was watching it in tv, but I was removed from it and couldn't “feel" it, and of course, that was okay with me. And tho my grief over losing her was still there, it no longer overwhelmed me or flooded out all my emotions. The dream protected my emotional state from going over the edge.
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Divine~I am so sorry you had to go through all of that.. like I said I completely realize everyone has their own dysfunction with Imperfect people and parents. It helps me tremendously to hear these things because I have never walked down this new street in my life.
The emotional blocks we set up. Like you said, our internal protection mechanisms kick in!!! I think my grief was a lot of things combined! So many heavy things just escalated and began hitting all at once. I am aware more now and feeling. Much less of a heavy grief, now I sit and wait for results! Usually it’s not this long at all. Back ups they say. YEah well let me at em you filthy animal! (Home alone reference!) They have no idea what is patients go through waiting. I mean this is our lives for goodness sakes !!! Thank you ladies!!
Hugs hugs~M~
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Divine - My dad died 24 years ago just a few months before my original breast cancer dx. He was an alcoholic and made our lives hell for many many years. My grief and uncontrollable weeping after he died was about what could have been. He was such a nice and fun person when we were kids, but alchohol took the him away. My siblings and I all grieved that person, not the one who terrorized us when he was drinking. I still wish we could have had a better relationship with each other. I think he would have been an incredible dad to me as an adult, as well as a wonderful grandfather to my kids. I don't hate him any more but I did for a very long time.
It is piano recital week here. I am not looking forward to it this year. My hip hurts and I don't know why. (orthopedic oncologist next week) My back is still not completely healed from the compression fracture at my T11 and I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever be the same. Anyone else have a T11 compression fracture? I had rads but the damage to the nerves and stuff is really challenging to go through. I started my 2nd cycle of Ibrance this morning. I was feeling pretty energetic and pumped this last week on my week off Ibrance. I still feel good but between this hip and back, the recital preparation is going so slooooowly and I'm a little bit nervous about being master of ceremonies at the recital. I think that because that third week of the first cycle, I was SO fatigued that I was a little weepy for about 7-10 days. It's on my mind somewhere that this is coming back and I'm letting that get to me. I don't feel creative about the recital prep at all. But - I'm doing it. And then I am taking the summer off to re-group. I find this process of mbc quite interesting emotionally. It's only been two months since dx and I tend to want things to be okay NOW. My oncologist and I had a phone chat the other day about how Ibrance is NOTHING like penecillin. You aren't going to feel all better in 24-48 hours. She gave me an excellent picture of what things are going to look like for the next six month and I was grateful for both her insight, her reality check as well as the opportunity for me to learn to let go of control over everything. It is just SO damned frustrating that I was doing a daily 90 minute workout of some kind just six months ago, was on the go morning until night, and now if feels as if my body is just betraying me and I can't seem to get that physical aspect of my life back.
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Moomala~I just felt another moment of clarity....he did drink, everyday. It was first beer when I was young. I would toddle off to the fridge to retrieve his cans. Then later during our estranged Time frame switched to bourbon. His smoking his what ultimately ended up killing him as it was determined to be COPD. They said flat out. Stop smoking now or after this Major heart surgery, or you will die. He didn't stop. Creature of habit. I have been going through many many pictures. He smoked since a young teen. (Looked like James Dean actually.) it makes sense that would be it in the end. (Wasn't pretty) It is another example of different views, experiences and factual information, not emotion... which I've been doing. I am so much lighter. I feel so much better..... so much lighter.
I am sorry to hear everyone's life stories and hard times. It isn't an easy thing to discuss or admit. I wanted to mention that ibrance is fickle. One day could be incredible, the next you could sleep all day, just roll with it. I didn't see stability until around month six I believe. I am starting month 32 this weekend. I'm awaiting. Results which absolutely sucks. I don't know how they can get away with “oh we are backed up". If I told my cable company oh hey I'm behind I'll pay in five days, but hey be patient we have other customers". Really ? Like freaking the deli line, number 18 being read now (radiology backed up two weeks, really? Uh no! Now please you Jack asses. You all knew the holiday was coming up , maybe bring on a few others “before the rush" in anticipation of the holiday versus scans. ) these are our lives. Ugh! They can be so flippant. I call, they say “ we will call you back". Shame on me, for not asking when. Duh! Could be the year 2020 for all I know. I try to be patient as well. I know I am not the only one waiting. So I am totally nice. But I feel like telling them if this was them, how would you feel?
Hang tough... team FU cancer!!
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Moomala, thanks for sharing the story of your dad and his demons. Grievng for what might have been...yes, that makes sense.
You are SOOO very new to the mbc diagnosis! You are smart to take the summer off and regroup. I appreciate what your mo said about Ibrance, I am just on my second round of it, too, after being stable on Arimidex for about 7 years.
Micmel, while my parents were dysfunctional is many ways (my dad was an alcoholic), they still did many things right! Also, they were a product of their time. The oppression of 1950s housewives and societal pressures for women to present a perfect image damaged a lot of women from that era. And men had their own set of standards they were supposed to live up to, they weren't the hands on kinds of dads we see more of these days. It helps to view my parents in the time frame they lived in and not judge them by today's standards.
I realized as a teenager I could create a better life for myself when I became an adult. My parents had their hands full with 7 kids. Just the simple fact that birth control was available to me and it wasn't for my mom, that was a game changer and I knew I didn't have to be a slave to reproduction.
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Hi everyone! Lots of wisdom here for sure. Micmel, I don't know if I'm wise, but I'll share. As you know my dad died about six months ago. When I was little he was my daddy, and fun, telling stories, and so on. But, he was demanding and nothing met his expectations. My mother was useless at that point in my life. Later also. Long story I won't go into. Anyway they divorced and we stayed with her, seeing Dad on weekends....IF he wanted us. So, I literally raised myself, and my sister as well as a child can. Even as a first grader there was no adult to get me ready for school, or check if I had lunch money. Once I packed my own lunch. As as a six year old might do I took some jello in a bowl. Of course it melted and ran everywhere and when I told dad, he laughed and asked how I was that stupid. Lots of that. So...fast forward to my adult years and his declining years. Lots of emotional conflict but until my dx and not being able to drive to his town and take care of him, I did all I could. My sister took him to a nursing home near her and I didn't see him for a year when he died. The grief was the grief of that little girl I used to be. Unexpectedly hard. When I'd remember the hateful things, it was (and is) like they were new. New hurt. Finally, I looked at his picture and said, out loud " you SOB , I'm not taking any more pain, not now. I refuse it. I miss you and hope you did the best you could. Goodbye. ". I do still miss him, especially the "what could have been". But I only have so much energy ( thanks MBC). When I think of him I try to exhale deeply and say "he did the best he could and that is all any of us can do". Now, I don't think you feel that harsh toward your dad, and your grieving will come and go like normal. But, look at his picture and tell him your goodbye. The goodbye that fits your situation. Do it as often as you need, honoring that he's gone, but saving energy for you and your immediate family. You 're not giving up on your grief; maybe look at it as a rationing your energy. Find something that interests you. Obviously you like crafts and have an artistic eye! Take a craft or art class. Find one that is short. Then, if you like it, find another class. You're still driving (how I miss that freedom) so collect old blankets, newspapers, and grab a bag of dog or cat food and take them to your animal shelter once a month. Something like that, that interests you.
You, Philly, and I had scans the same day! Who copied whom? LOL Philly, you looked pretty even in a hospital gown! I always have my CTs and bone scan in my regular clothes.
Divine, I always like your posts. We humans have to deal with a lot don't we? I like all the posts here and I wish I could keep up better. My best to everyone, whether you post or follow along.
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