My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer
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booboo~I’ve never been to Florida. I hear it’s lovely, but I also hear it is hot hot and humid. I don’t breathe well in the stifling heat! I also sweat at command. The heat makes it worse for me. So I’ll be wearing hats all summer. I’m just glad you’re settled. I hope you’re happy in your new home!! So nice you’re back! We’ve even had a NaN citing. Love you ladies
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This is such a mystical beautiful place! I'd love my ashes let go at the top and run away free. So magical. I feel like I'm peeking out of the high stone areas with a most sense of peace. 0 -
That is a stunning landscape. Wow! It almost looks like two people standing chest to chest, almost touching...
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i thought so too. What an amazing hike that would be. I’m thinking a peaceful sound of water. Interesting thought on the chest. I do see it! Very cool that everyone else sees different things ! To me it seemed like teke faces. All different faces and shapes. Very cool !
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That kind of looks like The Narrows at Zion National Park. Do you know where the photo was from? Definitely Beautiful
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I wish I did know!! I would love to visit it, magnificent picture and I felt immediate peace and tranquility! Who doesn't need that? Loving the creek. Running. Have always loved the sound of that. Could fall asleep in an instant. Ever since my father passed, I haven't been sleeping. At all well. I have quiet dark time. But no sleep. I've read that can happen. So I'm searching for peaceful things ! Imagine looking at that? Oh yeah! Little cottage at the end with my porch ive always wanted with my sweet DH!
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Micmel, I know you’ve had a very painful loss and so much emotional and physical stress. I also know you have scans coming up, so maybe after you deal with that you and DH could take a little getaway to somewhere peaceful. It doesn’t have to be far away or for long, unless you want that. See something pretty with your own eyes and just be with whatever thoughts enter your mind. And be with your DH. Just a thought? I’m not the best with words but after all you’ve been through with your dear dad and this stupid disease you deserve something for yourself.
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🥺 I have to admit, every ache and pain I worry. Everyone says “oh you have been so physical with taking care of your dad". “That's what the aches and pains are" it very well could be, but it also very well may not be. Bloodwork on Friday. One foot in front of the other. I'm going to his memorial life celebration on Sunday. I hope I don't fall over. I am supposed to speak. I agree with you about a venture with my DH. Long over due! Thank you Rosie! For being here.
Much love ~M~
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Micmel, I was afraid that I would literally pass out and fall on my face at my father's service. I was delivering the eulogy. I figured if I had to crash on my face in front of all those people I wanted to minimize the damage by being as close to the ground as possible. As the minister said I would now come up to deliver the eulogy, I kicked off my high heels. I walked up there before all those people in my bare feet. Delivered a eulogy in bare feet. Like those 3 inches were going to save my teeth if I pitched face forward. Either way. That's what I did. If you feel the need, go barefoot. You're that much closer to the ground if you do decide to take a header. Hugs to you.
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but my teeth are a good feature I ve managed to keep! I’d rather not have them all over the floor like chicklets. I’m so nervous. Any tips from anyone who’s been through it before.
Thanks runor. If I take a header. It’s with you in mind right before I meet the ground! Ugh! Lol much love!
Donna ~ you ok ? It’s almost time for role call. Lol
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hi micmel - Im so sorry to hear about your father passing away. I am very very close with my dad and I know I’ll be an absolute wreck when that day arrives. I love him so dearly. Yesterday we sat on the sofa and discussed the possible ways that the end of humanity will happen. Morbid topic but these are the kinds of things his Aquarian brain loves to ponder and I love to ponder them with him ❤️
My heart goes out to you as you get through these days. Allow the fog to lift you up and carry you and just know that soon enough you will feel shifts happen mentally little by little and that you are exactly where you are supposed to be, right here, right now. Try to remember to breathe, get fresh air, take some walks, eat every four hours and sleep as much as you can.
Love and hugs,
Philly
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runor, I was nodding at you kicking off your heels. I think I'd have done the same, as if somehow feeling my bare feet keeps me feeling connected to the floor which will keep me from falling over.
micmel, gentle hug. I think of you so often this week. My father and I were not close but even after 25 years I still think of the good times when my siblings and I were children and he was a more happy person.
My son called me Sunday and asked if he could watch GoT finale at my house with my husband and me. I am still so touched by that. These are the important memories that he wants to create I guess but I can't help feeling a little down about it. I wish we'd had a more exciting finale to keep my mind occupied but I kept thinking how odd he didn't want to stay home with his wife and it makes me think about how people are thinking of life without me and things they want to remember about me, like watching GoT final episode with me. I'm three months into diagnosis, finishing up my first Ibrance cycle, and this week i'm feeling a little depressed and really pissed off.
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Mel,
I spoke at my Mother’s funeral, and it was almost surreal how calm I was. I looked out at all of the people who were there to celebrate her life...so many dear friends and family, and I took a deep breath and just said what was on my heart. The nerves melted away, and I even had a laugh from them as I explained that my nervousness must be from all of the Starbucks I drank that morning. Anyway, don’t think about it too much. Just get up there and speak from your enormous heart! Even if you cry, that’s ok too.
I’ll be thinking of you and will say prayers for peace.
Love and big hugs,
Laurie
P.S. You are right about the heat...supposed to be in the 90’s here over the next week....hot even for Florida
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Philly~It definitely messes with your mind. I sometimes feel so strong and others. Toast... kinda reminiscent of being diagnosed. Another awful, terrible, heartbreaking loss. That we can't change or that we have to just accept that Susie down the lane has money falling out of her ass as she saunters to the gym that I used to go to. I get damned angry for sure. Susie is clueless that the grim reaper can reach out and introduce cancer at any turn. Thank you for caring about my father My stomach is a mess!! I feel very heavy inside Sleep is my best friend as usual!
Moomala~ You're not alone with the anger at all, it will wax and wane and you'll have good days and bad days. It is maddening. I cry still sometimes. Others I feel just entirely sad and broken. Or like I have cried so many times, I am cried out. Soon I'll be crying blanks. One day at a time is what I've done. Hold onto every second you can. I've memorized every loved ones face and voice in my minds eye. For safe keeping, i also tell everyone. That I love, that I love them ! No Time to mince words. I want no regrets! My father is total proof of that. But I will eliminate toxic relationships easily. I need peace and happiness. We all do.
Hugs to all beautiful ladies !
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BooBoo~I will have to turn on auto pilot. I don’t know how else I’ll be able to do it. I also don’t know people go through this. It sucks. So bad. I’ll do it, somehow. Thank you for sharing with me your experience with this. I haven’t a clue what I’m doing. I known it's a personal thing, to talk about. I thank you for your heart felt thoughts. So glad to have you back!
~M~
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Thank you Micmel. I appreciate hearing about the emotions from people who are a bit more experienced than I am. And yes, on Susie down the lane. That's exactly what's got me angry this week. I'm lucky, I know - I have a nice home. I am still working teaching piano and can even cut my schedule down a bit this summer and next school year. I have two kids and two granddaughters and an amazing support system and tons of love in my life. But cancer's got hold of my emotions right now. Insert choice swear words and weepies here.
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Moomala~you're part of the the family now! Shoulders a plenty! Please know. There are also many lines of treatment. I was concerned my dance with ibrance was over soon. (Starting month 32) he assured me that there was other things that would not take my hair. I will never loose my hair again. I've been there. I cannot face that terror again. (For myself, of course others may and should feel differently. Because at the end of the day....it still Is only hair.) it's a personal Choice for me. I am like Linus with his blanket. I can't bare to loose it over and over. And what for? To make believe that a treatment won't come along at some point that is needed for me, and will take my hair, I will say. No thank you, And just accept what I already know that someday will take my life. But remember and repeat. Not today! Just like Ayria Stark. “Not Today"!
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My aunt couldn't stand from the grief of losing her husband of 57 years so they put a chair up front and she gave her speech sitting.
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I can see why. This is no picnic. Honestly. I cannot tell which pains are grief pains or cancer pains. Talk about torture. I've always said May sucks. Saturday is my birthday and I don't even give a hoot. DH had some things planned including my father. Unfortunately he didn't make it to my birthday. 💔. I just hope he can see me.
Today something strange happened. My son was at work and a parts cart fell over on his foot. That parts cart weighs over 1k lbs with truck heavy rotors. His co workers were amazed and they all sat there with their mouths agape, knowing that it usually would have been the loss of his foot. It's seriously bruised, but he said it was like something pushed his foot to another position In a split second, he said he didn't have time to think. His mind took over and said flatten your foot. He said he felt chills when it happened. I would love to believe it was my dad with him, protecting him. He walked across the floor after they lifted it off of him. It's swollen. But he can walk and it wasn't even broken. He took the full weight. Now how does that happen? Sooooo weird. To me.
My how the mind wishes to wish.
~M~
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Good afternoon,
Micmel your son sure did avoid a major life changing injury. Thank God for that.
I've never done an eulogy but I'm sure you'll be fine. You have a lot of experience and advice on here to read through. I like barefeet and possibly a chair. Speaking from the heart should do it too.
Take care and I'll be in your pocket for your bloodwork.
Tanya
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Tanya~Thank you for the vote of confidence.. I most likely won't remember very much of it. It is like walking and not really walking. It's been that way since diagnosis. I hope you're doing well. How is the family and those beautiful grandchildren of yours? I am thankful that my son is ok. Unfortunately, it's really starting to hurt him. I knew it would. Tomorrow is going to be questionable if he is even able to work. He said it's throbbing. I feel badly for him. I know it's really hurting him and he loves this job. It's always something, isn't it ? Hugs my sweet sister.... ~M~
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Micmel- I am so sorry about the loss of your father. I did write out a longer message awhile back but I just don’t find it. There were like three days my phone didn’t update the website.
I do believe your father watched over your son.my dad died long before my son was born and then he was born on my dads birthday. One day, he was very young, we were driving on the highway. He said mom what’s up there, do you see it? I said well the clouds in the sky. He said no mom it’s grandpa and he is watching over us, can’t you see him? It was so out of the blue. We didn’t talk much about my dad. I had the chills.
Won’t be long I’m heading to Orlando. I keep forgetting I can’t swim with this pic line. My hair is coming in but not enough yet for me to go hat or wigless.
I don’t much care if I have hair now or not. I do not miss spending the time doing it. I have seemed to find a don’t give a crap attitude lately. I’m here and that’s all i can hope for. I do wish to be not so haggy looking and tired looking.
Best of luck to you this weekend. You can do it Michael. You got this!
Sara
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Making this quick, gotta report to the neuro rads unit at 6am, ugh, so early.
Micmel, I’m happy your son is not badly injured and recovers quickly.
And.... Happy Birthday 🎉🎊🎈🎂 (is it the big one?)
Hello to everyone 😀
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skitz~i also was perplexed on how his foot wasn't snapped in half. Quite scary the size of the cart. I've seen it when I have visited. It gives me pause, I have always questioned my faith. So much ugliness in the world all around. Thank you for caring.... I'll do my best. I'm a little nervous.
Mae~49! And counting. My DH is planning something, but somehow I get all the questions. What to bring etc. what Time. All I know is I'm getting a year older. That's ok. I'll take every day I can get. And thanks for the early birthday wishes. I'm thankful to be here for another year. Much love my dear. 6am is early. Reporting for pocket duty!!!! Hugs.
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Micmel, happy Birthday early, otherwise I will forget. Glad the kid's foot is okay, that was close! And please think of something more pleasant as you do The Flop than me. I'd hate to think of you hitting the floor, waking up with a goose egg on your noggin thinking "Runor, that rotter, was on my mind!"
Mae...there with you. I know I don't type it all that often but read here always and travel along for support with all of you. Can't keep it all straight like Micmel who has a steel trap for a mind, but still, I read.0 -
Micmel,
Hoping your hubby plans something awesome for you. You certainly have a good man. I have read many times how much you cherish him, so let everything else go on Saturday, and enjoy whatever he has planned. Your Dad would not want you to be sad on your birthday.
I’ll be in your pocket (I love this phrase) on Sunday when you speak about him. Think of your fondest memories, and then tell those to your friends and family.
Take care, my dear Micmel.
Your MBC sister,
Laurie
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Just checking in
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mae you're amazing. Seriously. You truly are a strong woman. You have a beautiful smile. In your pocket snacking away!
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Mae, that gear on your head looks painful but since you’re smiling I guess it’s not bad?! Hope your treatment went ok. (My scan took all of 5 min, now I wait.).
Hi everyone!
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Rosie~Lots of pocket jumping today huh ? Odd how we are all having something done this week. My back is not being friendly. I sure hope it's stress and not progression. I am hoping against hope we all hear what we want to hear. Enough crap has gone on. My heart, head, mind, and physical body cannot take anymore sadness or bad news. Seriously like enough.
Today my DD and I went up to my Dads house to put together our memory boards for him and the memorial celebration of life for him. They came out gorgeous. But it was so hard to sit there and see all of the history and all the wonderful years I did have him. I am deeply regretful for missing a day no less 15 years of missing that beautiful man.
Why do things like that even have to happen? How can families allow that to even take form.? (Myself certainly included) I was younger and not perfect ... but now I get to live with the fact I cannot ever get those years back again. No matter how hard I cry or beg. Those pictures will forever be proof that my father was a special man, when things were good, things were so good.
I feel sick in every cell of my body. Grief is terrible. Absolutely raw terrible heavy emotional torture. Mixed with MBC? Uh no. I can't do anymore. I am sunk. Tomorrow XGeva, so tomorrow is shitty for me. Down all day after. Saturday is my birthday. I Will feel like ass all day long.
Sunday is the memorial party. I am going to be the only sibling there out of 5 to represent and to speak. That bothers me. Like wtf is wrong with people.? I don't understand others behaviors sometimes and how people can look at themselves in the mirror knowing their father has died and they aren't going to be there? . Even one of the grandchildren, that was close to him, has chosen to go away to Puerto Rico instead of changing the date. And or coming back a day early or leaving later? Is it that hard? Are you that selfish? He was amazing to you all your lifetime ? Why does this generation have to be soooo selfish. ? So clueless about respecting people especially elders that had a hand in molding you into who you are today.? Disrespectful.
I feel like smacking a few family members. I gotta tell you all. I just need to be honest !!!!! I realize I am not perfect. No way, but when I am needed I am there and my actions speak louder than words. When he wasn't sick and was buying everyone trips to Disney and was doing all that was needed for them , it was fine. Then when he got sick and needed everyone to step up. The real picture became clear. It has nothing to do with my step mother either. I did what i did for my father. Out of pure love and unconditional devotion. I didn't hesitate. I didn't expect anything.... nor want anything. Just to be with him. It was all about him.
Wow, some young ones don't get it. Funny thing is. MY kids do get it. They were there, they showed up and continue to show up. They sometimes hurt me, but at the end of the day, they have the Respect when it needs to be had. And That my friends makes me proud. So proud. My two kids will be the only grandchildren there to represent the grandchildren. It's so fitting. I was the closest child to him always, it's very fitting that my kids would be the ones there . I just wish for once, for him, everyone would shut their mouth and just show up.!!! Families. Ugh!!
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