My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer
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Hi My Friends,
Kiko: Love the idea of taking pics of what’s in boxes. I have OCD, and this is gonna make me do a happy dance. I LOVE anything and everything that is organized. Yup, gonna use that one as soon as I get back to FL.
I’m flying back to FL tomorrow, there until March 7th, and then starts my “new life”. I’m driving back to PA to live near my sister (my “person”). I can’t wait. I can’t tell you how excited I am. I’ve been helping her with her grandson Alex (she baby sits him on Monday and Tuesdays) with whom I have fallen in love. He will be one year old in March, so I will help my niece plan his birthday party when I return.
I feel alive again, friends. It took me 3 long years to figure out that I was slowly dying—not just from cancer, but from depression. I thought I had no choices. I sat on a chair and stared at the wall for over 3 years now watching my DH disappear…replaced by this selfish, ego-driven maniac who thought that his actions had no consequences. And I thought I had no choices. WE ALL HAVE CHOICES!!! How sweet it is.
DH doesn’t know what hit him. I told him I was no longer going to sit and watch him drink himself to death, and I was moving out. Stun gun. I told him I was in no hurry to make any other major decisions right now about our marriage, and he agreed. I asked him to write down any and all questions he may have and we could discuss them when I got back to FL, and he said ok. I am not trying to hurt him, but I am ready to change my life and make my last months enjoyable. Yup, more like months for me. Unless the new MO I found (at Penn) has something new to try that might give me more time without driving me to a bed. (Sorry…I’m rambling.)
Anyhoo, I’m a very, very happy camper right now. I have so many things I want to do. I am just, plain grateful right now for the opportunity to spend the rest of my days with people I love and who love and support me. Wow. Good stuff.
Kiko, my sisters (from PA) and I are flying to SA to visit my 3rd sister (she lives near Kerrville) on April 6th. If you have any favorite restaurants or things to do in the area, I’m all ears.Mel, once I get back to PA, it’s time for us to get together. I would be honored to have lunch with the woman who started all of this.
Love to all,
Boo
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Booboo- I am soooo happy for you. That you found some peace and happiness now. You deserve it, my friend. Go enjoy the months you have left. Live life. Hugs from here.
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Crap. I just got the email from my attorney that he has my Will done. I can review it and come in to sign anytime. Now I have to face it. Well, maybe I will deal with it tomorrow, or the next day. We started this back in October with a discussion with my Palliative care team that I needed to finalize things--- Will, POA, maybe even funeral planning. I drug my feet. Then the attorney got busy and drug his feet. Now, I guess I need to get back to it. I don't want to think about it.
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Candy, I personally don't describe my fatigue as being tired because people will say me too. If I am exhausted, I will say I am exhausted, I don't minimize it. That is just me. I am personally exhausted most days even with good sleep, food and walking.
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Boo, I can feel the pep in your step. I’m so happy for you. You really tried to make it work with your husband. You deserve the happiness. Aren’t babies the best? That’s what’s gotten me through to now is my grandson. I know some may not understand, but I feel needed by him. Have a safe trip back to Florida.
Candy, I know the will process sucks. Hopefully you sign the paperwork and can put it behind you and not have to think about it any longer.
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Boo you sound so happy. I can feel your joy in having made this decision. A decision to finally make yourself happy that doesn't involve waiting on someone else's happiness.
Candy - go sign the papers, get it over with and pat yourself on the back that you got it done! Good for you 👍
Mara you are right when you use the word exhausted. I am exhausted everyday. Exhausted emotionally and mentally.
I went for my CT scan today. Now the waiting game begins until next week when I see the MO. I try not to think of the outcome but you women know how hard that is.
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BooBoo - I smiled all the way through your post. You sound 100 pounds lighter. Like a black burden is gone and light can fill that space. It does't change anything about your health, but it changes things about your soul. I am happy for you!
Mel - forgive if this sounds unkind, but it seems to me that if your Talk Doc helps you honestly recognize, examine and give voice to your true feelings, that can only be helpful. I will use a terrible analogy from my own life. Chickens. We feed them for 10 weeks, twice a day. Hope bears, owls, bobcats and heart attacks don't take them out. Then we butcher them. Kill, pluck, gut, wash, weigh, bag up and freeze. When I open my freezer months later and take out a chicken that I know is going to make a fabulous dinner, I am thrilled. But at no point in the life, raising and processing of that chicken was there any joy. In fact, not only is it hard work, but even though we've done it many times, it is still a very sober day of doing what needs to be done. In the middle of daily feeding, mending fences after wildlife attack or wrist deep inside a dead chicken, I never have thoughts of roast chicken. I can't see that far ahead. I know that's why I'm doing it, but it seems utterly disconnected from the daily grind. I think that's where you are now. You are in the middle of the daily grind and I believe it will be worth it. But I also believe that at this point there is no way you can even imagine it will be. You cannot see the end product. You can just see the messy work with even more messy work yet to come. HANG ON! Give yourself credit for showing up. Give yourself credit for how far you've made it! Take a deep breath and keep going. I am sending you every ounce of love and encouragement that I can - there it goes - it's flying over to your house right now. Watch for it!
KBL - I have a friend who is very much like you and also would lose her mind when Hub would do something in the kitchen and without fail place items in the wrong place. Not only is there the disappointment of not finding something where you expect it, your daily tasks are now complicated by an unwanted game of hide-and-seek. After telling him to not replace things unless he knows exactly where they go - and he just kept messing things up, she went out into his workshop to educate him on the mindless rudeness of his actions. She re-organized everything. Metric tools were mixed with standards. Screwdriver sets were tucked haphazardly into places it made no sense to have them. Attachments were removed from power tools and put id drawers where sandpaper was kept. Sand paper was also removed and stored where no thinking person would place it. And on it went. Took her most of a day. Then she waited. For the message to be received. And it was. Loud and clear. They now have an understanding. He is free to use anything in the house as long as he puts it in a plain and visible place - like on the counter - if he does not know where it belongs. Problem solved. But it took guerrilla warfare to get there.0 -
oh this vegan is almost passing out here
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I'm good, puttering around and getting things done today. Got all my premeds from pharmacy for my treatment tomorrow.
Booboo you sound happy!
LivingIVlife- fingers crossed for you!
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Moth, So happy your new treatment tomorrow is a go! I hope it all goes well and is easy on you.
Booboo, I loved reading your post. You’re an example for us all. 🌺
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I don't think I will ever reach the acceptance stage of this disease. Never. It has changed who I was who I am. In one fell swoop whooosh. New person
BooBoo~I'll have time carved out in your name. Always wanted our PA lunches. Same with Philly. We were going to meet and she went so fast we didn't have time. She was living off her best life. Which she should have done with her beloved family. So if it would become too much I could ask DH to bring me instead of me driving .
Speaking of marriages and relationships, I worry every day mine would be exhausted and have too much of care taking. The placement of the cancer in my spine in s3. So any long time movements walking sitting causes great intense pain. I'm not much help. I'm not ripping any chickens apart or repairing any fences that need mending. I am not a person who likes too cook even if I could stand long periods of time. Relationships and cancer a hard. Hard. Hard. Hard.thing.
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BooBoo - you do sound like a weight has been lifted. I hate to think you only have months but it sounds like you know how to fill them with priorities and good memories. Sending you hugs and hoping your settling in PA and your travels bring you many good days.
Not much to report here. I have a CT chest/abd/pelvis on the 2nd. I don't know that I get much scanziety but I think in the back of my mind I'm always mentally preparing for bad news. I've actually had a series of good days and I like to think it's the weather, we are having a false spring right now which is not what we need to prevent summer fires but at the same time I'm enjoying it.
I know there are a couple of you on here with brain mets. What were your first symptoms? I think I'm being completely paranoid but I get frequent headaches. I think some of the forgetfulness and word finding I can chalk up to chemobrain. I have no other neurological symptoms. I just get really frequent headaches and they are usually stabbing, not dull, always on the right and sometimes with sharp pain in the right side of my face, almost like a trigeminal neuralgia. In all of this, other than my PET and Bone scans, I've never had any imaging of my head. Anyway, I have mentioned my headaches to my MO but it doesn't seem to get a lot of concern. Just curious. I try to keep my active imagination under wraps but I also don't want to be minimizing something I should be more assertive about mentioning.
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emac- I had absolutely no symptoms. We just checked out my brain because Her2+ likes to go there, and there they all were. It’s probably just nothing but if you are worried about it, better to get it checked, IMO
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Moth - sorry about that! I should have posted a warning, Not Vegan Friendly.
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Runor, that’s so awesome your friend had that idea. I probably won’t go that far, but how creative. Lol. I am learning to let go a little because he’s been cleaning up the kitchen more often and putting things in different spots. He never puts anything in the same spot twice. Rather than complain, I just quietly put it where it goes. I don’t want to complain myself out of his help.
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Booboo- so glad to hear you so happy! I was going to PM you about your trip to San Antonio, and still will, but just had to post this in case anyone else is interested.
Every year at the end of April, San Antonio throws a big party called Fiesta. I was checking their website, because sometimes they have earlier events, and find out they have MOVED the dates to beginning of April, with the most activities the weekend of the 9th. Not sure how long you’ll be staying Booboo and also, most stuff is an downtown SA, about an hour from Kerrville. Most events are outdoors, but most also get very crowded. So if you’re not ok with crowds, maybe it’s not your thing.
But if any of you don’t mind crowds and love parties you would love it. There’s a Cajun festival, oyster bake, day parade, night parade, river parade, events all over town, queens, kings, medals, funnel cakes, chicken on a stick, margaritas, crazy hats, a days-long party called NIOSA, OH so much fun stuff! And this is the first year since Covid they are doing it full out. It’s mostly all outdoor events so I hope to hit a few things, our office is on the parade route too! We moved into our new space then COVID hit. hope I feel well enough in April… Back, Damn cancer- you ruin everything, you better stay out of my way! Wanted to post about it because not many people have heard of it and it’s really somethin’
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I don’t see my post from last night, so I must have closed before submitting it oops.
Booboo, I know the situation with DH is not ideal but I love how your handling it, prioritizing what you want and need right now. I wish you all the happiness in the universe.
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Chiming in to let you know that we have our
VIRTUAL MBC Meetup TODAY (WEDNESDAY) AT 4PM, ET:
Register here: https://breastcancer-org.zoom.us/meeting/register/...
Hope to see some of you there!
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Emac, I had symptoms due to brain swelling, pressure like a nutcracker, felt like eyes would pop out, seizures, mostly focal and losing some cognitive ability as well. Once the 10 cm tumour was removed, and brain radiated, I recovered everything.
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Thank you Mara and Kikomoon. I have a follow up with my MO's NP to go over my scan on the 7th so I will ask again if this is something I should be worried about.
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Mods, sorry I can’t make today’s meeting. Grandma duty. I will try to make a Wednesday meeting soon.
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Laurie, glad you are staying true to what you want though I am sorry the situation is not working with DH.
It is a beautiful sunny day so actually looking forward to my walk to and from the hospital. Will be a long day as I see the doctor and all that fun stuff, then get my Herceptin after. Wearing cleats of course, pretty cold but I find a fleece jacket under my hoodie with a hood works really well for me. Hopefully I am not at the cancer centre longer than 6 hours but doubtful. I still love the cleats though if they were easier to put on, that would be easier.
My MO came and updated me on the MRI, they figured I would not want to wait until the 1st of Feb. Apparently nothing has grown since October and both the radiation oncologist and the medical oncologist feel that I don't have any more mets invading so I will take that as a win. I have a CT scan tomorrow as well but not worried about that. MO office will call with results when they have them though she said she would be surprised if anything showed up after 7 years of this beast.
The walk was OK, knee was acting up so I shrank my steps even more and kept up the marching, cleats kept me from slipping and I am watching my feet more, been wondering if I tripped over my feet last time I took a tumble. Who knows. Sunny and cold here.
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Great news on the mri, Mara!!
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that’s awesome Mara! 💐💐
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Woohoo mara !!!!!
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yay on the MRI results Mara!!
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Awesome, Mara. Great news. So happy for you. I’m in your pocket for your CT.
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That's great news Mara!
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Thank you everyone, feels good to be told not to worry about it. Not too worried about the CT scan either but always like to hear the results as well.
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Awesome update Mara! Congrats 🎉
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