My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer
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love the red cardinals. Beautiful Rosie
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yesterday was six years from diagnosis, I had mixed feelings about it. Thankful that it's been six years. But compared to 26 years or more. It makes me sad. I don't want to have To count the surviving years. I just don't want cancer. I have blood work in February and I'm already hating it. Once you're on the hamster wheel you don't get off. I have a hope I'll see another six at least I hope. That's all we have sometimes. Makes each day rough. I'm trying to be more aware and thankful. I'm honestly trying.
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Mel, I hear you. I'm on seven years, no breaks in treatment either. Cannot remember life pre cancer. I worked, put the down payment on a condo which was 3 times the size of what I have now. Cancer took my mother, job, owning a home and my younger brother. That's a long story as well. He is alive but we separated when my mom died.
I try to stop remembering what I no longer have and work with what I do have now. We will see what happens.
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I count my surviving years in January because my diagnosis month is in December but I started most of my treatments in January. I'm starting my third year with MBC. In some ways it feels like it hasn't been that long, in other ways it feels like the longest three years of my life. I have to really focus on what I have, otherwise like Mara and Mel said, the losses add up and are overwhelming. I am still working but in a different capacity than I was. I feel like I lost my career in many ways. My body doesn't move, look or feel the way it did and that has been challenging. So I agree, I have to focus on what I have and what I can work towards doing or being and not focus on what was lost. I also like to be working towards a goal. Big picture goal: I want to outlive my parents. They are both in their 70s and I have made that my goal since day one. For the day to day stuff I'm trying to learn to enjoy and embrace the unknown.
I love the picture of the Cardinals. To my knowledge they don't live in Oregon. I'm not sure they are even on the west coast? I would like to see a real one some day.
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Mel, I remember when you had your testing last year. For some reason, this last year just really flew by. It definitely changes your life after a cancer diagnosis. I’m sending hugs.
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Hi Ladies: Rose, I love the pics of the cardinals. I don't think we have them on the West Coast. I've never seen one
My MO emailed me at 6:00 p.m. last night. The biopsy came back negative. YAY!! But it is still an enigma. So it is now wait and see and monitor. Next PET I suppose it will be be bigger or maybe (fingers crossed) gone. ??????? I have a tele-appointment with him this a.m. Should I discuss alien abduction and a monitoring device? Ha ha ha
Thanks for the pocket duty. I am now free for duty
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Elderberry- Happy your biopsy came back negative. It is weird though. But praying with the next PET it is gone, whatever it was.
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Elderberry, yay for negative. Now you can take a breath and monitor.
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Another gray, cold day here. I've been up since before early dusting, washing dishes, making yogurt, folding laundry, generally organizing the place. You all know what I mean. Sometimes I tell Hub, when he asks me what I did, that today was 'The Day of 1000 Chores' in which I replaced everything in the house that has been dropped and forgotten. For 40 years I have yelled at Hub for his maddening habit of, as I call it, The Corner Tuck Fuck. In this skilled move of avoiding dealing with things that need to be dealt with, Hub will spy an empty corner on the desk, counter, on a dresser, it does not matter where. That empty corner is the answer to his prayers! Instead of him interrupting his day to deal correctly with the item in his hand, he tucks it into the corner. Because things in corners are dealt with, in his mind. He will later place another thing on top of the original thing in that same corner until clutter is oozing at me from every direction. He finds a corner, tucks something into it and fucks up my life. The Corner Tuck Fuck.
I am now going to split some wood, throw it in the furnace, fill a bucket with water and another with lay pellets and scratch and traverse the sloped, ice covered path to the hen house hoping the dog does not knock me over as he barrels past me to sniff random raccoon tracks. Hi and hugs to all, along with good wishes for everyone facing tests and waiting for results.0 -
elderberry - yay for the negative! you're just a womany of mystery lol
I'm having one of those days. Had to do a will this weekend; so fun, NOT. Still have to get it witnessed & that will probably also just make me weak in the knees. I hate it.
Then I did my labs on Sunday, in prep for my appt with the MO today, which is in prep for starting the new treatment Trodelvy on Wed.... guys, my liver has gone downhill fast. My liver values are all super high (3x ULN - upper limit of normal) I'm just hoping that she doesn't cancel my chemo. I'm like the reason it got this bad is because I've been off treatment so long because it took forever (between Christmas & covid) to get my approval paperwork done... I'm going to the appointment in a few hours so we'll find out.
oh & after much thinking, I've decided to revoke my DNR. You know how we had that discussion about it a while back. It's been brewing in the back of my mind & then this weekend with going over all the advanced directives & planning my own funeral etc etc, I decided that nope, don't want that. So I need to discuss that at the appointment today too.
I just feel the weight of all this today & it is crushing me
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Thanks for the cheering section. Dr S and I are going with the alien abduction until further notice. Ha ha ha. PET in March - will it be gone? Will it manifest itself into something recognizable? Overall I feel quite good so I can push that into the back of my mind.
moth: When is your chemo? I hope you can still get it. I am conflicted about DNR. At what point? It is such a hard decision. Let us know how your appointment went snf what was decided. I wish I could lift some of that weight of your shoulders. .
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Elderberry- congrats for negative biopsy!
Moth- I do hope you will be able to start your new treatment on Wednesday. Completing a Will and end of life directives is an emotional difficult decision which can change day to day.
Runor- I love your sense of humor. My husband doesn't find a corner he just puts everything down that is closest to him. I find screwdrivers on the dressers. Empty boxes are thrown in the dining room and closets. The garage was all cleaned out last summer and now I go out there and just shake my head.
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Elderberry, good news on your biopsy!
Moth- I'm sorry you are overwhelmed with all of that. It is good for anyone to get their affairs in order, cancer or not. I know it is harder for us because we see it coming. My mom and I were talking about how people are passing away so unexpectedly it seems like, more and more, from accidents, heart attacks, all kinds of things. If I must find a positive, it's that I have a chance to sort it all out beforehand. still working on that though, I cannot bring myself to plan my own funeral but I'm getting there. I have planned out DH's retirement though, without me. Gosh how sad that sounds typing it…. This disease SUCKS!!!!Runor- my DH doesn't even use the corner. He just makes piles. I am slowly cleaning out MY stuff. It is nice to throw out large amounts of “stuff" like weight is being lifted off my shoulders and also, no one will have to rummage through my “stuff" when I'm gone. DH has a hard time throwing things away so last year I just took photos of the stuff that's in storage boxes, so every time he's looking for a random thing we don't have to tear up the house. It came in handy this weekend when he was looking for some tech-y item and was about to tear up the attic when I said no, no, just look at these photos, and there the tech-y item was!
I made biscuits and gravy (thanks MAE!) for brunchand did the yummy wiggle, rubbing my hands together.
Do we need a Will if we assume everything to go to a DH? It's all shared accounts anyways, and he is listed as beneficiary on retirement accounts. I think we need a joint will in case we both go in an accident or something. And he'll definitely need one. But do I need one? Can you do this online for cheap?
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Living, ha! We married the same type of guy. Mine can’t find anything because to him nothing has a “place”, it’s just everywhere. When he asks for my finding skills, I always say “where were you when you last saw it”, then I go there and usually just hand it to him, arggg, drives me nuts sometimes!
Kikomoon, yay for happy wiggles!
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Glad you guys liked the cardinal pics. It’s not often we get the male & female to pose together like that.
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Oh moth it sounds like you are overwhelmed right now. Let us know what your MO says--- you should be at your appointment now, or even done already. I went to my attorney back in November to discuss redoing my Will. I have not heard back from him. I called the office before Christmas and the receptionist said they would call when it was done. Nothing yet.... But I really do not want to have to deal with it anyway. And I will have to go to the office to sign, and with Covid I don't want to get out. (my attorney did not wear a mask in November when he met with me and said he was not vaccinated and didn't plan to be) I do not want to be a DNR yet. I want everything done for now--whether it is Covid, an illness, an accident, or the cancer.
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Mae - Hub and I have something similar. He desperately keeps everything but can find none of it and forgets he owns most of it. For some unknown reason his possessions take up the rolodex in my head and, like you, I am expected to know where everything is. But he has learned that when he has so poorly managed his life and space and items that he has to ask me to find it, and I do after he swears to god that I made him throw it out in the last big clean-up, when I find it I am going to beat him over the head with it. HE was in a state over a set of seat belts he had taken out of a mid 80s Chevy pickup. Swore he's had them for years until I made him throw them out. " No I didn't. Yes, you did. No I didn't. Well I have searched and I can't find them. I know where they are. Where?! In the bike shed. No they are not, I have searched and they are not there. They are there. Well I doubt you will find them because they are gone! " I enter bike shed and in less than 15 seconds spy the seat belts which I retrieve and as Hub ran for his life I HURLED them with as much force as I could at the back of his stupid, frikkin head. Seatbelts have metal parts attached. Weapons of war - clank!
Moth, I am sorry for your rotten situation. Have you had any sunshine at the coast to lift a mood? It is very gray here.0 -
Phew I'm home from seeing the MO & she said I can get treatment on Wednesday so I'm very relieved. I'm exhausted from being anxious. Having a rest now before dinner
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Runor, you’re hilarious. I have told my husband that I really need things to be placed in one spot. It’s for my brain. I can’t stand trying to find things. Normally I do the kitchen because I want to be able to find things easily. I put things back in the same spot. He’s been doing the kitchen the last week, and I am just trying to take deep breaths and ask where he put something. I’ve told him I really like things where I keep them. I must tell him three times a day where I want the butter in the fridge. Nope. Their brains just don’t work that way.
Moth, I’m sending hugs.
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Moth - I so hope you can get some rest and relief. I am glad you can start your treatments on Wednesday.
I have a will but I did it years ago before I ever had cancer. I keep telling myself that I should meet with a lawyer and go over things again now that I have a house and a car that I own but I know that is expensive so I keep putting it off. My financials will not be a huge windfall for anyone but should I go before my parents I just want things to be easy. I want to make a folder of bills and important documents so that account numbers and websites and passwords can be accessed. I am still researching how to do this, have it accessible and still be secure. My parents have all their passwords printed out on a paper and that terrifies me if their home were ever broken in to. I just don't know if I want to have an online password manager or an inconspicuous hard drive in a secure location, something like that. Anyhow... things for another day for right now.
Sundays I eat with my folks and we ordered out take home Mexican food. My favorite cuisine ever but oh man, it goes down so good and lands so heavy! I'm still feeling it today. It was a nice break from the routine though.
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Moth I am so glad you can start your treatment this week. Being stressed is very tiring.
What was that book? Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus! It is totally true! We are completely wired differently!
Candy- I'm surprised to hear that your lawyer never wore a mask and is not vaccinated. Wow
My nephew who lives in Montreal made a huge mistake of telling everyone on Facebook that he couldn't get into the liquor store because he wasn't vaccinated and does not intend to get the shots. His sister and brother and a bunch of us asked him why. He said he could do whatever he wanted to do. ( apparently he won't be able to do much)
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Living, that's funny. "I can do whatever I want!" Well, actually you CAN'T because YOU ARE NOT VACCINATED!!!!!
That just struck me funny. Thanks for the laugh. We have anti-vaxers in the family, too. Guess who's NOT coming to dinner?
Carol
I just read this to DH. His comment was, "Nobody else in the family can read this, right?" I assured him he was safe (I think).
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Moth- I’m so happy that you can start treatment!
Emac- maybe you can get your parents to hide that paper in a super secret spot. Just not in a book or something that might get accidentally tossed. I’m in the Tex-mex capital so know your struggle
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you ladies (runor) entertain no matter what we are going through you all make me smile.
I needed it. I had a hard day. I feel like I don't connect with anyone anymore all my relationships are different and effected different. I feel like I'm walking around a place where I don't know anyone but for some reason we are all there because we have to be. Because we have cancer. The cancer room. Where you can walk around and say nothing but understand more than entire weeks conversation with just one look. The quiet understanding of the inner hell. Outside we must please others into thinking we are ok . Become Oscar winning performers for people because you're sick of saying the same things like a role in star picture film. Over and again. We sit. We wait. We scan. We cry we suffer. Wash and repeat. Some of you may not feel this way. I wish I could be that way. My therapist is making me see that I can't push the fear down. I cant pretend I'm not scared out of my gord saddled with this disease I know I'll never be the same bottom line. On anything. In anyway. I have to learn to accept it. Well see.Thinking of moth as well. Hug
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Moth- Phew. Just read that you are a go for Wednesday. I am glad.
Living- Yeah, we have "those types" like my attorney all over in my area. Anti vax and anti mask. And no one is changing their minds. My attorney knows I have cancer and he blatantly did not mask up when meeting with me. Sat across the table from me, in a room with the door closed, with no mask.
Yesterday my "texting buddy" texted asking how I was. I texted back that I was tired. But really that is the wrong word to use. I had waves of what I call the "unwell" feeling. Tired, but not sleepy. A nap would not help. I did lay down on the made bed for 30 minutes or so. But did not nap. Do you all know what I mean? Like every cell in my body is exhausted. I hate this cancer.
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Mel, I am sending you hugs.
Candy-678, I had a day last week I could barely function. They hit out of nowhere, and I don’t understand them at all. I was better the next day. I usually do take a 10- to 15-minute nap daily to recharge. I get it.
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KBL- It is just so frustrating. I tell my friend, or a family member, that I am tired and they respond "We all are tired" or "Yeah, me too". NOOOO. I never felt quite like this before the cancer. Yes, I got tired, duh, we all do when life gets busy, but not like this. I told my sister "this is hard to describe and you cannot understand unless you are going thru it". It is not "tired" or "sleepy" it is more than that.
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Hello ladies
Thanks for the pocket duty Monday MRI. I got bloodwork and faslodex shots today. Won’t get results until Monday.
Candy I’m super exhausted too. I will get 4th booster in Feb. thanks for sharing your SE’s I’ll try to plan for that.
Elderberry yay for stable.
Moth I’m glad you can start treatment. It’s been awhile. I hope you get a rally going with wins soon!!!
Runor thanks for the cardinals.you’re tough still sitting wood 🪵.
KBL and Mae sorry I missed Mondays zoom. MRI day is draining.
I’m gonna curl up in bed. It’s rainy and 50’s here.
Take care all
Tany
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Sometimes, I feel like we need to tell people that we're "fine". Most just don't get it. HERE we all get it. The fatigue sucks sometimes. Sometimes a nap helps but sometimes it doesn't. The fatigue is physical AND emotional. I feel guilty over it sometimes, but other times, I don't care what people think.
Wow, I used a lot of "sometimes" in my post. Oh well,
Carol
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Candy-678, my SIL is great at asking me how I’m doing and then saying “Me too.” She constantly says I’m going to outlive her. I just have decided to let it roll off. I can’t concern myself with her not wanting me to die.
Tanya, I had Grandma duty. I was only on for a half hour. In your pocket for results.
Sunshine, as my grandson, who is almost 2.5 days, “Yup.” Lol. I know people don’t get it. I hope they never have to. It’s not just being tired.
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