My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer
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Sunshine, I am so sorry about the fall. I hope the tylenol takes down the fever and offers pain relief too.
Mel, I am glad you got to talk to your son. Keep all of your channels active as well. It helps speaking as another anxious person at my core.
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Mara~ thanks sweetheart! Love you. You're so supportive my friend. We are lucky to have you.
I'm off to therapy again this morning. Wish me luck. I hate crying. Sigh! Little sunshines.
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I am one of those women who tried to get pregnant and couldn't. I still feel like a woman.
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Thanks, everyone. The Tylenol helped. Stomach is still a little crampy. Don't know what that's about, but am definitely feeling better.
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Sunshine- I'm glad the Tylenol helped. Especially if the fever has gone down.
Kikomoon- a woman should not feel any less of a woman because she can't get pregnant. A woman should not feel any less of a woman because she has one breast or no breast because of cancer. We are so much more!
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thank you livingivlife! I agree, women are friends, daughters, aunts, coworkers, neighbors, sisters, wives, girlfriends, mothers, stepmoms, cat moms, dog moms, grandmas, cousins, mentors, and so much more I’m sure I’m missing. We have both boobs, no boobs, one boob, I have a lopsided boob full of mostly dead cancer hopefully, no hair, beautiful hair, some hair (I have gargamel hair). We are all women, hear us ROAR! I know sometimes we don't feel like it for various reasons, and it's all hard.
I commend all the conventional mothers on here and so glad you have good relationships with your kids, I enjoy reading about your times with them and so happy you have those experiences. We all have things to be grateful for. I am a third child and my mother has awful relationships with my two sisters, as they could just never seem to get it together as human beings. I have no relationship with them. She feels like a failure often. It must be so hard but I try to tell her she is a fabulous mother and she did all that she could, and hey, I turned out pretty good, methinks. It's a hard job but I can imagine the great joys and fulfillment it brings.
I had too many friends who also struggled with infertility. I (we) don't talk about it often. It's like another bad club, like the cancer club. Our bodies betraying/ failing us. One of those friends went the foster route, had a baby girl and her 3 year old sister dropped off the very next day. Worked tirelessly to adopt them from a bad home, for two years, constant court hearings and back and forth, constant uncertainty. They were finally adopted and then she got pregnant at 42!
Another friend I supported through a heartbreaking, and very expensive failed IVF. She ended up going the conventional, highly competitive, and expensive route to adopt from a young pregnant girl.
I think I did not want it as bad as they did. But we had thought about a last attempt when I turned 40, as Covid hit, then the cancer hit. Sometimes, I wish I had just made the decision, but I’m afraid life had to make it for me.Perhaps it was just not meant to be, not in the cards, or perhaps just random biology and chance. Anyhow, thanks for listening. We are all friends here and for that I’m grateful 😘
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Kikomoon, I did not choose to have children, at the time, was too selfish and did not want a husband either. I am still a woman even without a child or breast.
Mel, thank you, just telling the truth.
I am resting today from the exercise, can feel all the strength training exercise I did yesterday, not painful but was good. Ordered some almond flour and baking powder to make keto bread. I will still eat white bread but the keto stuff is so quick and good that, I will supplement with that too when craving a snack.
I am also laughing at the workers still renovating the downstairs apartment, they are yelling and swearing at each other and it is great. Nothing puts a smile on my face more than when the workers of a company who wants me out do not get along. Still very far from anything happening and when it is time, I will file paperwork to stay. Not even stressing, just chilling out with some music and laundry (Love laundry).
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Since my daughter was a little girl she always would tell people she wasn't having babies. I would just laugh and say just wait. To this day she meant it and never had any children. Her fiance has 3 grown children and she loves them. She loves kids but never wanted her own.
Mara- love laundry?? My wash stays in the hamper. I wait to see if my husband notices it piling up. He just keeps piling it on so I am the one doing it. Not loving it though!
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I never had kids. Never wanted them. Not the "motherly" type. Now I have 1 boob thanks to cancer. I still feel like a woman. I am not "less than".
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kikomoon: Yes of coarse. I was trying to explain to him that some of the things that are associated with being a woman I feel were stripped from me…. My hair, my eyelashes and eyebrowsand my breasts as well as my sex drive and all the other issues that come with taking AI’s….
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I’m another happy, childless woman. Knew it was not in the cards for me. Had a great career that I enjoyed and traveled a lot. I’m glad I was never pressured into it. That would be so wrong. From what I’ve witnessed, parenting is the toughest job on the planet. And most people would say the most rewarding. So did I miss out? Maybe, maybe not. But that’s ok. I’m willing to stand by my decision.
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Yes of coarse. I was trying to explain to him that the things I see as womanly like my hair eyelashes eyebrows and boobs were stripped from me… I guess I was trying to explain to him that I look totally different post cancer and that it really bothers me in addition to all the physical pain. I think he was trying to have me see it from his perspective that he doesn’t see those things…he just sees his mom. However I still can’t look in a mirror much and never like my picture taken anymore. He was trying I think to get me to see past my insecurities I think.
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Runnergirl, yes I understand, believe me. Infertility was a sad issue for me that I never fully addressed. I know he only wanted to reassure you. That’s a good son!
I alsothink on some level, I did not want my mom’s experience of having two kids disappoint me, despite my best efforts. Watching that was hard
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Hi all: I hope I didn’t offend anyone with my post about what my son said about being awoman. I think he was just trying to make me feel better since I said that things I associate with being a woman was stripped from me. My hair, eyebrows, eyelashes, boobs, sex drive were all taken from me. He was talking to me and saying I need to get past that…. But it bothers me very very much…. The emotional pain coupled with the physical pain I am in is sometimes very overwhelming.
Again I hope I didn’t offend anyone:(
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runner~ stating your honest feelingscan never be wrong. We are all women. Child or without. Simple as that. Hugs to you darling. Always say how you feel. I know I do. It's why I made this thread.
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Runnergirl- No offense was ever taken. We say how we feel. Hugs.
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No kids for me either, happily childfree by choice but I can sympathize with those who want them, even though I don’t get it (my reasons are numerous and sure to offend, so I’ll refrain).
Having raised a pack of 6 bulldogs though, I can say as hard as it was at times, I loved it, they did such cute and funny peopley stuff. I don’t regret it but I’d never again have 6 crazy toddler-like maniacs at once.
Still packing and purging at home and getting ready to head out west for treatment at the local place next week. Insurance still an issue, ugh. The new request was wrong, the correction was wrong again and cancelled. I’m told a new order was submitted but I’ve yet to receive any kind of confirmation, so I’ll check tomorrow and hopefully don’t have to go all crazy lady on them.
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Deb, yes, I love doing laundry. I am the only one here so it is not bad. Use a lot of microfibre cloths in my cleaning, including showering and although I live in a TINY apartment, I have managed to fit a portable washer/spinner that lives its life in the tub on a stepbench so it does not flood its motor. I have two wand washers and a 5 gallon pain for manual washes, 2 clip on washers, go on to the bucket and wash like a mad fiend. Don't use as much as they are noisy. I got a Panda Spin dryer for when I do need to wash blankets. Blankets have to be done here in the onsite laundry though I normally steamclean and throw them in my 1/2 size tumble dryer. It is a lot but anything not in use is hidden away. I probably started buying the stuff in a way when I missed my Mom so much and my own washer and dryer at the condo. It became something easy to do. My washer was only 169.00 off Amazon but I would not be without anything I bought. Don't buy as much now but still enjoy Laundry. Only slight PIA is taking the washer out of the tub for my own showers but I am pretty used to lifting it out. Weighs between 30 to 30 lbs.
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Runnergirl, no worries and no offense taken! I was a bit emotional this morning, it's my issue, not yours. Please continue to say how you feel good or bad, no walking on eggshells here! I can truly empathize with losing all the "womanly" stuff except my very lopsided, very ugly boobs.\
Mara - more power to you! I only do laundry when I run out of stretchy pants, and I always add vinegar
Sunshine, I hope you are feeling even better!
Mel - I hope your therapy is extra helpful today!
Mae - I don't want to be them when you go all crazy lady, which you might have to. Yours and mine are the same network of cancer centers now. I will tell you, it is MUCH better with their new patient portal introduced in December, than what it was previously. Or maybe I have a red flag because I had to get all crazy lady on them a couple of times.
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No offense here either.
Just saying I do not regret not having kids. And I have never felt like my friends or family felt I was "less than" for not having kids. I really do not miss my boob either. I do not want the cancer, of course. But, I more hate that I am lopsided now. I would rather be all flat, so not have to wear a bra if I don't want to. Now, I have to wear one, as without it the boob that is remaining is drooping and you cannot hide it when going without a bra--KWIM. And I do not feel less "womanly" with not bearing children.
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Kikomoon, my Houston system is MD Anderson but out west it’s Texas oncology as the secondary and it is a completely different world. MDA has so many advantages with all the donations and recognition, they can afford to have higher standards with everything. I realize I probably got a little spoiled here but no one should have to put somuch effort into making sure others do their job.
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Runnergirl - what a great son you have!
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Kikomoon and Mae- I know I do not understand how the system of insurance works in Texas but doesn't your insurance cover no matter where you are in Texas. Is it a matter of certain forms that have to be completed from one designation to another?
Mara- your washing day reminds me of my mothers. All she used was a wringer washer and special scrub board. I remember helping her to put the clothes through the wringer and she kept telling me to watch my fingers. You are so resourceful!!
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Thanks Deb. I did not always feel this way, just when I got my own place and realizing I had to go outside to do wash since it is just a shed structure with some creepy stairs. I started looking up laundry and got hooked. My SIL wants me to get rid of it all if I move but that will never happen. I did spend money on a plastic washing board which is cool. I can imagine if I invested in a wringer, I would soon crush my fingers. Hand washing or wand washing is the bomb.
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when I was a little kid my mother and my grandmother had one of those ringer washing machines i I also remember my mom had a clothesline in the basement as she didn’t have a dryer….
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Living, not exactly. Stage IV qualified me for Medicare (gov ins) but it does not cover 100%, so I have insurance through my employee retirement as well, coordinated together. My primary doctor refers to a hospital (MDA), which has worked great but they have no clinics out west, so the secondary place is a completely different hospital system and requires another approval for that clinic and its doctors. It’s easy enough to get everything in place but the local place seems less organized and short staffed. Once it’s all finalized, I shouldn’t have any problems Now, I could go anywhere for a broken arm or something like that but it get more complicated with regular infusions and chemo meds.
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I remember my gmom running a close line. Fresh mountain air @ state college pa. Loved the freedom.
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I appreciate it when you all post your honest feelings. I'm here a lot of the time but sometimes quiet. I'm like that in real life too. I think sometimes I question whether or not if my venting to others is adding undue burden on them. Then I read the posts here and I am so grateful that I am not alone in the feelings I have. I think that shared burden is actually what makes this thread so cool.
Runnergirl and Mel - It must be something in the air. I can relate to what you are saying here. I have been on the struggle bus this week with cancer and all its fallout. I think the trigger was my new job. I was a critical care nurse and I took pride in being able to do that job well even after my initial cancer dx and my MBC dx. It's finally gotten to a point where I had to step back because I physically can't keep up and so now I do a less intense role for the imaging department but it's hard to watch all my coworkers still chasing career goals and new highs. I'm grateful to be working at all but it has been an ego blow to some extent and a loss of a dream I've had for years. I can completely relate with the physical loss also. I miss my hair. I had long curly hair and it was one of the things I was known for. Now it's a frizzy, thinning mess. Somebody mentioned Gargamel, yup, that fits. I have no eyelashes so I compensate with eyeliner and I draw on my eyebrows based on the few that remain. I put on almost 15 pounds and sometimes feel like a stuffed sausage trying to fit into my scrubs. I cope pretty well, but honestly I think I deflect and bury it all pretty well. This weekend I was trying to bake some cinnamon roles for my parents and I couldn't understand or follow the directions. I was just having a day with brain fog. Suddenly the weight of all the changes the past few years hit and I just broke and had to cry. I've kind of been stuck in that rut since Saturday night and I'm trying to work my way out of it.
I'm just tired of the struggle. Whether it's my physical appearance or physically trying to move I just have lost so much of who I was and what I used to be capable of. I suppress it because I think I'm afraid if I stood back and saw it all at once it would be too overwhelming. I'm just tired of hurting mostly. I have forgotten what it feels like to move freely without pain or stiffness. I miss that most.
I know on a philosophical/educational level that I am more than my physical characteristics and the job that I do. I'd like to say I had some sense of enlightenment and deep self awareness from all of this, I haven't. I'm more deeply aware of my inner grief and rage if that counts for anything. I don't know the way forward from here. I have to pray that through on the daily. I'm 44. Most days I feel at least 20 years older. Sorry, I didn't mean to write a manifesto here, I just wanted to say I get it and I'm grateful that you share your thoughts because it makes me feel less alone in this.
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"I realize I probably got a little spoiled here but no one should have to put somuch effort into making sure others do their job."
OK, I realize I have not been keeping up with this lightning fast thread (lol - love you all), but this made me laugh -- not at you illimae -- I have been dealing with military health care and insurance (CHAMPUS and Tricare) for over 30 years and this *is* my life. Not only do you have to make sure everyone is doing their job, sometimes you have to tell them how do it...by repeatedly asking pointed questions until they realize they made a mistake - or calling back and talking to someone else, who you hope has a clue. NEVER take one person's word for anything, because NOONE is accountable (except you). And, sometimes, you just have to shake your head (or beat it against a wall), because it is what it is and you can't change it.
Edited - I have to add that my insurance coverage is very good, and I'm happy to have it. Sometimes it's just a f-ton of work when it shouldn't have to be. And I'm cranky, because my appointment with my new MO didn't happen today, and I'm back to square one finding a new one near me and on my plan.
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Talk about covid precautions being so over the top as to be beyond ridiculous, I've just had a phone call from the specialist dentist changing my appointment to have my teeth cleaned to a phone appointment, I tried to explain but got nowhere, so I'm curious now as to what on earth they are going to do, because I've had ONJ my local dentist won't do it or I would just go to her, she has wine for her patients while they are waiting and I can walk there in less than 5 mins.
Sorry to hear you're not doing well Mel, I hope your therapist can help you out of this funk you're in, I wish I could give you a big hug.🫂
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