My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer
Comments
-
Emac877:
I feel exactly how you do. You put into words exactly how I feel. All the physical changes… no eyelashes, drawing on the eyebrows. the thinning mess of hair. When I went through treatment it seemed like the doctors downplayed everything. The really made it seem like once you go through treatment everything would be “back to normal”….. that never happened for me. So yes lots of losses and it is hard to process and move past when you are reminded of it daily. And yes I feel about 20 years older than I am..:
0 -
runnergirl, I can empathize, going into my cancer I had very long hair, in fact on my last health card about 2 weeks before chemo, I still had it. After the first chemo, it fell out of course and then grew back fairly quickly. After whole brain radiation, the top and other areas went permanently bald. I am thankful for the wigs I wear. I like being a dark rooted blonde. Usually keep a couple of extra wigs when some wear out.
I am planning to be more active today. I have come to accept that I won't likely lose a huge amount of weight given my age and diet that keeps me active. In that vein, I plan to get rid of some plus size 14 jeggings as they are taking up precious space in my wee bedroom closet. If I do lose weight or shrink as I try to build more muscle. I am debating rejoining a gym to have access to more equipment for strength training. I really don't think I need much walking wise but want to build more muscle in both legs and arms. I am inspired by an instagram channel, Train with Joan. She started really working out and changing her diet in her sixties and to this day is still going at it. I need to focus on strength vs numbers and since I don't necessarily want to purchase equipment for an apartment, the gym would be a good place to go. We will see.
0 -
emac877, I'm so sorry you're struggling so much. Cancer robs us of so much. I agree that we are more than our physical characteristics or the job we do (or did), but that's who we ARE or WERE. It can be so hard to have that taken from us. It not like we said, "Oh, I think I'll quit my job and lounge on the sofa all day." Or, "I think I'll gain 15 pounds, so that my clothes don't fit me anymore." And then let's add brain fog to the mix. Yippee! Not!
Thank God for this thread where we can share and vent and cry or even celebrate our little victories!
KittyKat – digital teeth cleaning??? Who knew???
Runner, mel, mara and all the rest – I hope we all have an eneventful day. I'd almost settle for boring.
Carol
0 -
It's a drippy, gray day here. I am baking bread and feeling guilty because the mere thought of bread seems to make me fat. Fresh air seems to make me fat. I am NOT loving what's going on with my sagging, spreading, oozing, gelatinous body. Blah. I also miss the days when moving was fluid and without thought, where stiffness and maybe a wee bit of unsteadiness was not on my radar.
Mel and others down in the dumps, I am waving my tea towel to waft fresh baked bread smells to your house. Calorie free! The smell of fresh bread is one of life's great aromas. It always gives me a comfortable, homey feeling and I hope it does that for everyone feeling blue and sad.
Hi and hugs to all.
.0 -
Thank you, runor. The bread smells delicious!
0 -
Runor, on the rare occasion that I come across a warm loaf of French bread, I almost never make it out of the parking lot without stuffing an end piece down my throat like a beast. So, I hear ya, lol
0 -
Runor, I’m thinking of you. I can smell the bread from here. Yum.
0 -
Runor- oh that fresh bread smell is coming up here now 😋
0 -
Runor: I can smell it in Oregon!!!
0 -
It smells good in FL too
0 -
sniff sniff bread
0 -
Hello ladies, it’s been awhile. I’ve been lurking but also taking a break as there is only so much I can handle. January was rough for me with my grandfather dying and losing Rabbit/Samantha the next week. I’m hoping the rest of the year gets better.
Emac, I’m right there with you. My career has been a big part of my life and I have worked very hard to get where I am. I’m in the military, which in itself is a male-dominated area, and have worked my way up the ladder both in rank and expertise. I originally planned to stay in for 24ish years to maximize retirement benefits but now I’m holding on to just make it to my 20 year retirement. I’ve had to watch as some of my peers had to pick up my extra duties because I’m not available enough and it kills me that I’m not the go-to person anymore. I feel lesser. And I know that others are picking things up so as to not burden me but it still hurts and feels like I’m not as good at what I do. I also have deteriorated physically. I used to power lift and run 5k/10k/half-marathons. Now I’m lucky to lift 20lb weights and walk a few miles. There are definitely days I feel so much older. I am thankful to have all my hair but I have gained 15-20 lbs between this dx and my thyroid problems. Some days I’m just sad and angry for what I lost and terrified of what the future holds.
I’ve been having mostly good days SE-wise but the last 3-4 days I’ve had a mild to moderate headache that won’t go away and nausea. I hate it….
I’m sorry I haven’t been able to keep up with everyone. Kittykat, I’m glad your grandson is doing better. Mae, I hope Texas Oncology figures their sh*t out. Kikomoon, I hope your soups continue to be delicious and fulfilling! Mara, so glad that someone loves laundry 😉. Mel, I hope that therapy provides you a way to work on your anxiety and sadness. Runor, I can smell the bread over here and have already gained 5 lbs 😂.
Thank you ladies for always being here
0 -
Katyblu! I have been wondering where you've been - I was going to check on you but decided it had only been a couple of weeks since you posted anywhere so was waiting. Good to see you! I'm sorry about your grandfather. I am with you and Emac on our physical abilities and careers. However, I have finally sort-of embraced the lesser workload, responsibilities, travel duties, and gained flexibility.
0 -
I have been reading along.
runor- My Mom baked bread when we were kids. Yum. Fresh warm bread with lots of butter. Alas, I do not cook. So those memories are even more special as I cannot make homemade bread for myself now.
Katy- I am sorry for your losses last month. And I hope your headache with nausea gets better. I too understand being sad and angry for what we have lost with the cancer, and terrified of the future.
I mentioned a couple pages back about asking when you guys get your Port flushed. I started this cancer journey with going to a local cancer center and flushing the Port every month. Then, when I moved to the larger cancer center 2 hours away, I was still getting Lupron monthly and I asked my PCP if he would agree to sign the order for the Lupron and the Port flush to be done here locally under his name. So I would not have to travel every month. My MO does not have privileges locally to write orders to be done here. He reluctantly agreed. Now, I asked him if I could change to every 3 month dosing of the Lupron, as I am getting tired of the monthly pokes (for 4 years now). That was the last straw with him. He said I need to go to my MO for anything with the cancer--- Lupron and Port flushes. So now I will do 3 month Lupron and 3 month flushes with my MO there. I MAY flush more frequently-- if I have labs or scans more often than 3 months. But, if I go 3 months without anything, then the flushes will be done every 3 months. This has been the issue I have dealt with the last few days--- messaging my PCP and MO trying to coordinate all this.
0 -
Candy - let me tell you a bread story and suggest that yes, you could make bread! Easy peasy.
I decided, oddly, a few years ago that I wanted to have a bread machine. I had, in the past, tried making bread by hand and it was terrible. I made awful bread. My bread baking came in waves, once every few years a bread mania would strike and I'd decide I needed to make bread. After several weeks of consistent failures I'd call it quits until a few more years had passed. Then I got the bread machine urge and have to admit I made bread that really impressed me. But I did not rise or bake it in the bead machine. I only used the machine as the mixer. Rose and baked in my oven. (No big paddle hole in the bottom of the loaf and a much nicer, thinner, more tender crust). Hub, for sandwiches, goes through A LOT of bread! One loaf a day was not keeping up. I bought another bread machine, then another. Bread machines are big and bulky and having 3 of these things cluttering up the kitchen became ridiculous. It occured to me since I was only using them as mixers that what I needed was a mixer, not a bread machine. So I bought an Ank. Now I mix in the Ank and make 4 loaves at a time. Perfect. Into the freezer it goes.
All of this, Candy, to tell you that despite baking bread I often have no bread in the house that is thawed. Hub slices his sandwiches from a frozen loaf. This keeps his sandwiches soft and fresh since my homebaked bread goes stale really fast. So if I want toast, I have no bread to pop in the toaster. Unless I want to hack my way through a frozen loaf - no thanks.
But I do, on occasion, make NO KNEAD bread. Candy, you could do this and OH MY GOD it is so good! Ridiculously good. It is not fast. But the laborious kneading that my mother and then I used to do - no - none of that. No 20 minutes of kneading, no machine, no mixer. Do a YouTube search of 'no knead bread'. All you need is a heavy dutch oven to cook it in and you will be eating warm bread with butter on your chin muttering, oh my god this is so good! Mine ends up with an amazing sourdough taste that I just love. I want to encourage you to try one loaf. Toasted for poached eggs, layered with mayo, tomato and bacon or grilled up with some cheddar cheese....heaven! And easy. You can do it! It is NOT like our Grandmorhter's baking method.0 -
Runor, would you mind sharing the specific so good no nead bread recipe you rave about, I’d like to try it sometime.
0 -
Hi, I'm finally feeling better after my last dose of chemo. Sheesh, this one hits hard.
Last night I watched the Tinder Swindler on Netflix and I know it wasn't meant to be funny but it made me laugh and groan through the whole thing...
hugs everyone
0 -
Speaking of bread, I tried twice to make Keto mug bread following exact recipes and instructions. Was so excited too. Cooked it up,, sliced it, toasted it, butter and peanut butter. Both were disgusting tasting to me. I will never eat that again, tossing the almond flour, sticking with beans and white english muffins and garlic bread. If I feel guilty, will walk for an hour. Wasted money on the baking powder and almond flour. My stomach is left feeling like I swallowed a bowling ball. Never eat that stuff again. Would rather burn off the carbs on a walk whether I want to walk or not. On the plus side, the Tim Hortons canned chili I got pairs perfectly with my existing beans and possibly soups as well so lots of variety that way. Delicious with italian and greek seasoning. I did learn that I do not need to add queso or sour cream as it makes it very messy, though still great tasting. No more trying to be Keto and just eat what I want with appropriate exercise.
0 -
Moth, I watched it too with great interest and mixed feelings. I get how the new, exciting part of a relationship can blur your vision but after the 1st loan, my sympathies turn sour.
Insurance has confirmed that treatment is approved, so we’re heading back (sat-thurs), then returning for my birthdays 🎉 🥳 🎂 47 whoop whoop!!
0 -
Wow runor now I want homemade bread !!!! I bought a loaf of Amish made bread once. No comparison to my Mom's. Mom's was wwaayy better. You know what I mean, a Mom's food is the best. Mom used potatoes in her bread recipe somehow. I don't remember how. But it had a certain flavor.
0 -
Oh my gosh bread does sound amazing! Thank you all for chiming in and encouraging me. That means a lot and has been really helpful. I am making an effort to focus on what I have and can do and less on what I've lost.
I really like my MO's nurse practitioner. She's very good clinically and also sympathetic to how hard all the clinical stuff is on life. Sounds like based on my CT last week I'm stable and I'm grateful for that. She has picked up on the fact that I sometimes struggle for words and have been complaining of headaches. I am being referred for a brain MRI. I think at this point there is no cause for alarm, it's more precautionary but still stressful to talk about. I have never had my head scanned in any of this so I guess it's not a bad idea. I am also going to have to have a biopsy done on my left tibia. The area that is in question hurts and whether it's a met vs osteonecrosis needs an answer as my RO now wants to radiate it but not without knowing for sure if it's a met. I've had XRays and a bone scan on it but for the last year we were all good with saying we don't know because it was stable. Well, I guess now it may not be stable and might have a small fracture so those are my next two big things coming up at some point.
I have been diligent about walking and going back to the gym and trying not to focus on what I think I "should" be able to do but what I can do that day. I also have an appointment on the 15th to cut my hair super short. I'm not who I was and neither is my hair. I am embracing that I can wear cute hats, save money on products and have my hair routine be something that is easy in my life and so that is what I resolved to do about it. I am trying to embrace the new job not as a step down or backwards but as an opportunity to have time to heal and figure things out. Hugs to you all and thank you again for the encouragement.
0 -
P.S. I saw the Tinder Swindler advertised on Netflix, I need to check that out too!
0 -
Tinder swindler does look interesting to me as well. Watched the first episode of Murderville. Will Arnett and various real life celebrities doing improv of trying to solve various murder cases. The first one had Conan O'brien in it. I liked it because I know how hard improv is to do.
0 -
runor, I think you're a big meanie for telling us all about your wonderful bread and then telling us to "look up a recipe." I'm totally kidding, of course. We had a bread machine for years – two of them, actually. We eventually stopped using them. They DO take up a lot of counter space, which is very limited in our house. I love the smell of baking bread. I will look for a no-knead recipe. I've contemplated getting a Dutch oven.
moth, I'm glad you're feeling better after your last chemo dose. I'm sorry this one has been to hard on you.
mara, I've seen the mug bread recipes with almond flour – I'm sorry it was a bust for you. I actually like almond flour and I use it often. I can't tell you for what right now since my brain is in a fog.
emac, no words, just (((hugs)))
I was working on my blog this morning and knocked my coffee all over my desk onto my paperwork and onto the floor. It got between the glass and the wood on the desk. It's a counter type desk about 12 feet long. My DH was super sweet and helped me clean up a lot of the mess, but the underside of the glass is still dirty. We're going to have to disconnect all the computers, monitors, scanners, and everything else to get under the glass to get it really clean. Sigh… I think I have a way to do it so that we can hook everything up again without wondering, "Now where does this cord go???" Wish me luck.
0 -
runor - I'm adding a yes please, could you post the recipe or a link to the recipe that's worked for you? Thanks
0 -
Sunshine, I'm sorry about the mess. I hate having to plug everything in again too.
It was the egg in the keto recipe that made it taste wrong. If I want home made bread, I will make it from white flour, water and yeast.
0 -
Candy,
I get my port flushed once every three months. I used to have it flushed monthly when I went into see my MO. Since I’ve stopped treatment, I still go in monthly for my Xgeva shot, and then every 3 months they flush. I hope you resolve everything with your doctors. It’s hard when you have to manage so much and then trying to get your doctors aligned—whew! Hugs.
Lauri
0 -
emac- Woohoo for your stable CT. Hoping the brain MRI comes out all clear. Biopsy of tibia doesn't sound fun, but sounds like it needs done for some answers to your pain.
Thanks Booboo. I am just tired of all the crap that goes along with cancer--- the coordinating with docs, the hassles with the billing. I am the patient. Just do your jobs and keep things simple for the patient--me. Geesh.
0 -
Thanks, mara. I did figure out a way to (hopefully) keep all of the cords ABOVE the desktop and not below. I hate crawling under the desk and trying to thread all of the cords up through the holes in the cabinet and then back onto the desktop. It usually involves a bit (or more) of profanity.
I do have one handy-dandy tool for getting cords back through the hole to the desktop. It's one of those telescoping hotdog/marshmallow things you use around a campfire. I can tape the cord to the prong end and then shove that up through the hole. It helps if there is someone else to grab the end when it comes through, but I have done it by myself, too.
Sorry if that made no sense at all. I don't think my brain is firing on all cylinders lately. (I had to stop and look up how to spell "cylinders"). Sheesh!
0 -
This is what I watched and (basically) followed to make my bread. Eat fast, it does not keep very well or for very long. Or cut loaf in half and freeze half.
Word on potato in bread. I have been adding instant mashed potato flakes to my bread. Potato binds with water differently than wheat. The claim is that it holds moisture in your bread for slightly longer, slightly extending shelf life. Slightly. Too much flakes and you get mushy bread. But so far I do like the taste and texture I am achieving. Still experimenting with quantities.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I0t8ZAhb8lQ
NOTE: lady in video says to preheat oven to 450. Is she out of her mind ?! The fire department would have to attend if I did that! No way do I follow her advice for temperature. I plop my loaf into whatever I'm cooking it in and stick it into a cold oven and set it to 350, like I bake everything at. 450. Pure lunacy!0
