Worst Thing Someone Said To You?
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I hate how everyone just thinks it's another day. Going on with their world. I went on my first long trip not long ago, was so tired from riding that I had to lay down on the couch. Not one soul said a thing to make me feel better. Didn't really say much to me at all.
And we spent the week end. Even when I took my wig off, nobody said anything. Mind you this is in-laws, and I'm not new. I just felt strange, and just plain left out.
The thing I hear allot is "We all got to die someday" That's just what I want to hear~~~~~~0 -
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My daughter's friend's mother (used to be 'friend' of mine)asked my daughter if I was still alive. She looked at the woman and said, "yes, and thanks for helping out and calling her when she sick, I know she really appreciated that." The woman said stupidly, 'oh, I never called' so my dear daughter said, 'oh, I must have had you confused with her real friends.'
Debra - your daughter sounds like my kinda girl! You raised her well, my dear!
Worst thing anybody said to me was when I went to visit my brother and his family right after I finished chemo. I was still wearing a wig/scarves to cover my bald but fuzzy head. I asked him if he wanted to see how I looked without hair, and he recoiled in horror and said, "eww...that's like asking me if I want to see you scar!"
yeesh...what a male chauvinist pig he can be...but he's my brother and I still love him.0 -
I'm with djd, OMG, why can't I think of stuff like that when I need to!!!!!
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I agree that most people mean well, and make mistakes out of ignorance. But I can make no excuses for the nurse caring for me following my mastectomy who asked "couldn't you have just had a lumpectomy?" Even if she'd been right (which she wasn't - breast turned out to be full of cancer!), I could hardly have changed the plan at that point!!!
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I'll tell you a good experience that I had. Months after treatment when I finally made time for a dentist appointment, my hygenist asked the typical question, "has anything changed in your health status since your last visit?" When I told her, "well, actually, yes....." she was so compassionate. The dentist (who is a woman) came in the room too, and they both just talked to me for a long time, and were so caring and concerned. They could have just said, "oh we're sorry to hear that" and moved on, but they took the time to make me feel they really cared.
I think most people ARE so caring and kind that it makes the ignoramuses stand out all the more.0 -
Oh, I'll add one more thing. Now that I'm six months out from surgery, I have to say that I really appreciate the people who still ask me how I'm doing -- even if they say "how's your cancer?" LOL. It makes me feel like they haven't forgotten what I've gone through.
There are people who were concerned at the time but now they act like nothing ever happened to me. I'm not trying to be the center of attention forever, or anything like that, but it's just nice when people remember that this is an ongoing ordeal and not just "over and done with." I'm really grateful for every concerned comment that people make.0 -
Good one Debra!! I am going to use that line next time:) Stacey
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I still hold a grudge about the "girls" at work when I was trying to go out of network for what I felt was my best chance and most permanent answer to reconstruction. I was told by them, "No one needs breasts and you don't deserve them." "You need to give it up." When I said that there is a law that gurantees the right to pursue reconstruction, they replied that it was a STUPID law. My respect for these people went down the tube. I have always tried to remain nonjudgemental when they ran by me a personal thought or resolution for themselves. My thoughts were judged on the fact that they personally thought if in my shoes they would not pursue reconstruction. I never asked for their opinion, I only discussed what I planned to do. I found this emotionally draining and very stressful and I no longer want to work with a group of such mean spirited, opinionated b*****. I will be vigorously seeking a new position once I am done with this step. I love the work I do but need to respect the people I work with also. I have had positions that the people were wonderful but the job was not pleasant. Can't one find both?
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Wow! I've read through these posts and I'm amazed at how badly some people react to the ordeals we have gone through. The early comments about how people minimize or trivialize breast cancer like it was a bout of strep throat hit closest to home. No one has been deliberately rude to me and I haven't noticed too many who just made stupid comments that they thought were sympathetic. But the lack of validation that something really horrible, time-consuming, costly, emotionally wearing and physically scarring had indeed happened to me hit home. G Marie
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I think I've heard quite a few of those. Mostly, oh you will be fine they caught it early. Well, I've only shared the details with a few people so there is no way they would know that. Honestly, I don't really pay any attention to what anyone says. I know they mean well and are concerned and I just leave it at that. Some of the horrible things I've read about on here just blow my mind though. People really should learn to think before speaking. Even if someone said something horrible to me, I don't think I would be quick enough for a snappy comeback. Maybe I should write some of them down just in case.
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I have a couple situations that really rankled me - but I do understand they started as caring support. Right after my dx, my car broke down. I had planned on getting a new one later this year - but just could not deal fixing it now. So I bought a new car -my first in about 8 years. A friend commented later - that essentially if she would have received such a "death sentence", she would have also bought a car - not caring who was going to pay for it down the road. What???!!!??
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What a horrible thing to say about the car! That person needs a brain transplant.
As for me, I've never posted to the Stupid Things thread. I've had a few - mostly people offering to give advice about chemo since they went through it with someone in the family (who had invariably died). But since I know that their hearts were in the right place even if their brains weren't, I let those slide. But a post here reminded me of one that truly did upset me. I'm in the recovery room after my first surgery. I'm expecting lumpectomy of a very small amount since the cancer was so small (5-6 mm). I wake up feeling awful and in pain; turns out sentinal node came back positive so they removed a bunch of nodes. I had been in surgery so long, the anesthesia was making me ill. (I threw up in recovery and continued for several days after). The recovery room nurse says to me after the dr. delivers the bad news about the lymph nodes - don't worry, they can always do a mastectomy if the cancer is much bigger than they thought! Reconstruction looks really good now. I really wasn't in the frame of mind to think about additional surgery and losing my breast at that moment. You think she'd know better. I don't scare easy but I was actually afraid for a minute after she said that and then just down about it for at least a day.0 -
The day after I had a mammogram and ultrasound I was scheduled to immediately see the surgeon to discuss biopsy - scary as you all know. As I was taken to the exam room, the woman (assistant/nurse/ whatever her title) says to me "so you're here because you have breast cancer." I said, "No. I'm here because they found a suspicious mass on my mammogram". This was the first week of October and I'm still steamed about that comment. I thought they trained medical personnel better than that. I was scared ***tless, but still trying to convince myself it was a cyst or something b9. My mantra had been "it nothing until it's something". Even her boss did not know at the time that it was cancerous. sheesh.
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Debra,
100 bonus points for you quick thinking daughter !
Tooo toooo funny ! That woman totally deserved that response.0 -
I couldn't resist adding to this thread!
1.From a coworker when I started chemo - "I don't know why you are bothering with all that crap. I know a friend who went to some health spa in Mexico and with just some vitamins & stuff - he was cured. I would never take that poison"
2. My best friend when I told her about my recon(I have good insurance) - "Wow - I paid $3,000 for my boobs and you get yours free. You feel sick for awhile & get to stay home from work - I'd do that anyday for a free boob job"
I agree that most people mean well, but are just awkward and don't know what to say. However, I have a hard time finding the well-meaning in either of these comments.0 -
How could I forget? Statement was made to me while trying to fight insurance for choice of reconstruction. "Only single women need breast reconstruction?" My inference was that once a woman has "caught" a man, she does not need to take care of herself and her needs as a single woman become only her wants as a married woman. What happened to one's own self worth and body image? In my own case, this does not necessarily revolve around what my husband thinks of me but how good and how whole I feel about myself. My husband is supportive of whatever but did and still does reiterate it is me he loves regardless of what I look like. Regardless, I need to feel good about myself. It then became what I felt I needed to put these pieces behind me so I could move on to other things. It did and still does bother me that another woman would even come out with a statement like that. I hope that she realizes that everyone should have the right to choose your own path.
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I've been dx with Stage I bc and have an elderly aunt who attended nursing school a loooong time ago... probably in the 1940s. To help me out and help me cope, she sent me a few pages ripped out from a very old medical book. It said things like how the only treatment for breast cancer is a mastectomy, which only puts off the inevitable for a few years, and that it can be caused by wearing bras that are too tight. Note that this wasn't her way of showing how much things have changed... she was letting me know what was in store for me.
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some of these are real button pushers !
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JeanLouise,
I hope that you understand how incorrect this information really is. As Rhymee said, button pushers!
Good luck with your treatment.
*susan*0 -
just wanted to add my addition of wonderful things people say..
secretary in dentists office after I got the news I needed a mast.
"if it were me..Id just lop them both off who needs em?"
ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh sandi0 -
isn't it simply amazing? Think of all the blissfull people we have met !
hicUP!0 -
When I was first diagnosed I went into work to tell my boss that I had to do chemo and would probably be off work for a while. She told me it was ridiculous that I was going to a cancer treatment center out of our town when we had 2 onocologists here. She also told me that I had inconvenienced a lot of people with this and then she went on to tell me of other nurses that were off for maternity leave and such and that left her short staffed. This was a Nurse Manager mind you who should know the impact of a diagnosis like this. I went to her boss (Director of Nursing) and told her what had been said. My boss was asked to leave shortly after that and was replaced by a wonderful boss. Since I have been back to work my new boss has asked me occasionally if she is scheduling me too much and has offered to cut back my hours whenever I say. She told me the other day she thought I was doing great since being back to work. She is so different than the old boss.
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My mother-in-law said I deserved to have cancer because I am not a submissive wife, and I have allowed my son to disrespect his father. When I was upset about my PET scan results - the cancer is "back" in my supra and infraclavicular nodes (9), my "friend" said "well how do you think I feel, I am so worried that I could get cancer and may not be here for my daughter." Everything is a competition with that woman, I have since distanced myself from her and now only allow non-toxic people in my inner circle. I agree with Hattie that most folks are at a loss and mean well but their statements just come out wrong. I do believe there's only one way to take my mil's comments though.
Prayers and hugs to you all
Michele0 -
Wow, some of these are jaw droppers!!!
Since this thread started I've found out that, although I've not been privy to any bizarre comments, my husband has. He's now really careful about who he tells and who he talks to about it. There are friends he just hasn't had much to do with over the months b/c they did or probably would react in ways that he wouldn't find supportive. I doubt they even notice that he's not calling them.
Someone ought to write a book!0 -
Good for you, Chiahead, for helping you old boss find the door!! Glad your new boss is much nicer...
I had a boss something like that. I was in grad school and working for a magazine when I was diagnosed. She hassled me so much about having to leave an hour early each day so I could go to radiation. A week before my last radiation treatment, my dad died of a sudden and massive heart attack. It happened on a Saturday night and when I called her on Sunday to tell her about it, she opened her fool head and asked "So, what time do you think you'll be able to come in?" It was all I could do not to hang up on her...
Jorf, you're right - some of these ARE jaw droppers (and someone ought to write a book)!0 -
You have to wonder if some of these people are bully types, they find a weakness and they attack.
Kimmie0 -
It's true, most people are well-meaning. Unfortunately, there are too many with no tact.
This, I got from a "well-meaning" friend.
"I often wish I had breast cancer instead of Lyme Disease. At least breast cancer can be cured."
I wanted to slap her. Instead I said:
"True, but at least with Lyme Disease, you don't have to lose any body parts."
That shut her up!0 -
Felicia...
I honor your great wisdom and ability not to smash her pumpkin head in..what a jerk!! talk about feeling like you are not valued...she needs a good hot cup of shut the f@%!. up!!
you are a much better woman than I..I could have never held my words back..tact is not one of my better charms lol
(((hugs))) to you for being a lady sandi0 -
How bout "Hope you're enjoying your time off"
jeez0 -
Thats a real beaut !
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