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Share your story: Your reflections about Mother's Day
Worst Thing Someone Said To You?
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Here are a couple of mine!
I went to work where an older lady I absolutley loved came up to me and gave me a hug and said now mabey this is you wake up call to find God! ( how does she know I haven't) (would I no tbe in this situation)
A friend said they are glad it is breast cancer because it is the best kind of cancer to have!
When I went to work a co-worker said you don't look sick!
Michelle0 -
I am VERY fortunate to not have very many side effects so far with my A/C treatments. A close friend of mine called and asked why I wasn't getting as sick as she thought I should be. I told her I didn't know, everyone handles chemo differently, I happen to feel pretty good. She then said "I guess what you're saying is having cancer really isn't that bad, right?" Oh yeah! It's a real blast.
Michelle0 -
I tested positive for BRACA 2, and I have told all my close relative's, a cousin of my Dad's told my Mom, why should my Dad get tested so he can feel guilty, this breast cancer makes me feel like I have a contagious disease.
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I had been teaching a Safe Sitter class at my hospital and was wearing hip hugger jeans, a golf shirt, and just my baseball cap, under which you could see NO HAIR. I was at the grocery store picking something up from the shelf. A man leaned over me to get something above my head and said, "Excuse me, SIR."!!!!!
I know I'm bald, have no hiney, and sort of straight down from the back...but SIR!! PUHLEEZE! I was so amazed I didn't move. I cried when I told my husband...then he and I came up with a lot of wonderful retorts I should have used, so then it became funny.0 -
I've gotten the "sir" thing a few times when my hair was first starting to grow in. It was also shortly after I finished chemo, and I wasn't feeling well. I'm sorry to say that I went off on the first person who did that to me. It just really hit me wrong and on a day when I was feeling like something at the bottom of the catbox.
The last time it happened was around the middle of April. We were at a restaurant, and I just looked around as if looking for the person the server was addressing and then said, "Oh, you mean me? I'm a woman, thank you very much!"0 -
I think the worst I experienced was a woman in Wal-Mart who kept staring at me and finally ask me where my breast was, I told her it was to heavy to carry around two at my age and had it in my pocket, my mother was with me and she almost died laughing, needless to say, the woman was redfaced and speechless. People are just not good with the unusual, I dont mind, I think it helps us look at life in a whole new way.
tere0 -
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I think the worst I experienced was a woman in Wal-Mart who kept staring at me and finally ask me where my breast was, I told her it was to heavy to carry around two at my age and had it in my pocket,
BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Tere - that is the BEST comeback I've ever heard!!
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When my hair first started growing back and I ditched the wig I had so many people say to me "You look good" that I e-mailed my brother and told him he was a good looking guy. I looked like like him with my very short boy-hair and I was good looking therefore he must be good looking.
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What a coincidence. My grandmother was from the "old country." She was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1955. They did a double mastectomy and cobalt tx. They gave her 6 months to live. She lived 22 years beyond that and eventually died of a heart attack (my rad onc speculates, a long term effect of the cobalt). After her surgery, she wouldn't let her daughters help her with her dressings. She only let my mother (her daughter-in-law) help her. So, I definitely get your point. Thanks for sharing your story with me.
In the past, the secrecy and shame surrounding this disease caused so many women to suffer in silence, and so many to die. When my mother was diagnosed in the early 1990s, women were speaking out and demanding more research and better screening and treatment. I feel deeply indebited to them. As far as my uptight, mostly male family goes, I guess I'll have to adjust. Survivng breast cancer has altered time and my worldview. Ironically, I'm learning how not to care about certain things. But some days, well...
-jo0 -
jomar1,
One more story (sorry that Im hijacking this thread but I think it fits here).
In the mid-Sixties I met a woman who became a fast friend. She told me that the last time she saw her mother was when the mother waved to her family from a window in a TB sanitarium. My friend was only nine-years-old. Because TB was (still is?) contagious, no one was allowed to visit. That story haunted me through the years and I viewed it with the perspective of a child; how terrible not to have your Mom there to cuddle and hold you.
Thanks to the internet, I met up with my friend again in the late Nineties. I told her how Id remembered that story but that my perspective had changed. I now viewed it as how terrible it was for her Mom not to be able to cuddle her children.
My friend phoned me two years ago after going to her brothers funeral. Her sister-in-law said that there was something important she had to tell her. It seems that her Mom didnt have TB at all, she had cancer. (The sil didnt know what type). It was so abhorrent to admit to anyone that the Mom had cancer that the family invented the TB story to avoid scandal. The sil promised her husband that she wouldnt divulge the information but after his death felt she owed it to the following generations to know that cancer did run in the family.
As to be expected, my friend was devastated by the revelation and began the grieving process all over again. Had everyone admitted that her Mom had cancer, she would have been allowed to stay at home longer, would not have had to wave at her family through the window, would have been able to hold and love her children in her final days.
God! This brings tears to my eyes thinking about it again.
If theres any way you can communicate with those male family members, by the internet if theyre set up, Id put them on a group list that keeps people up-to-date on your progress. They can read it if they wish to, or ignore it. They might learn that its OK to have a little compassion for those with this unspeakable (to them) disease.0 -
This was the best or should I say worst one so far.
I was feeling a little down one day at work and a co-worker asked: What's wrong you look sad? I just explained that during this chemo treatment etc that I had good days & bad, and that day was one of those bad ones.
Her reply was..."Well, the only one who can get you out of that pity pot is yourself. Nothing I can say will do it"
She proceeded down the hall. If my jaw was large enough I could have stepped on it hitting the floor!!
Oh well, we're all experts, aren't we?
Nancy0 -
I get mad when people say me "don't worry, breast cancer nowaday is not a problem! when I had a tumor with size of 5 cm!
And about the hair, people said that they grow in short time, but they take 3/4 months to grow. I would like to answer "OK, please, shave your hair for the next 3 months!"0 -
Nancy,
Did the word B I T * H come to mind?0 -
I watched american idol and then went on the board and had a few people and we chatted and had fun! A very bad group who dont like older people, i am 62, and as my friends chatted i mentioned my sister and i having breast cancer and one of the ladies i chatted with has it also. will these bad whatever, said ,will thats a few more sagging old ladies we dont have to look at anymore! I posted them and said ,you got that right but the laugh is on you all, for now we are bringing on the big girls and rest assured ,we may be old but dam our breast look so much better than you, now what do you have to say? theycame back and said" IS IT YOU OR DOES CANCER MAKE YOU A SMART A##? I told them, no but with what these new huge breasts are doing for me, not only am i now a smart a## i think you should keep an eye on your old man for i sure am getting a lot of attention from the younger men now!will needless to say, thay got madder than a goggle of wet hens taking cover in a hen house with a leaking roof and put a block so i cant go on no more, go figure!
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My sister told me to "get over it"
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That is horrible that your own sister said that to you! I just keep playing it over and over in my mind.
A coworker of mine said to me, "You don't OWN cancer, Cindy!" That one plays over and over in my mind. Thankfully she doesn't work for us anymore.0 -
I ran into a guy that I used to work with.....he was never the smartest one in the bunch....I had been thru about 3 rounds of chemo, was wearing my wig, and I must say, I looked pretty good. I guess I didn't look sick...He then proceeded to tell me that his cousin had breast cancer, and she was going to die and that he had to go the NY next week, and complained about it (like it was a big inconvenience for him) he then asked what was my prognosis....was I gonna' die too......My poor husband almost fell out. I just looked at him and said yea, probably of old age in 50 years....jeez are some people stupid....
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Katie, that guy sounds like a real moron. What a loser!
I was at a 60th anniversary party with my dad years ago. A guy came up to us and said, "Bill, your wife looks younger every year." I said, "That's probably because I'm his daughter." I thought it was rather funny but my dad was mad. He said, "That guy was at your mother's funeral." (What was he thinking?) My mother, sister and I all look alike so I was not insulted at all, just irritated that he'd gotten my father upset.
Catherine0 -
When my hair was growing out after chemo, it was about 1" long. My parents were in town for my 9 year olds bday and he got to pick his birthday restaurant and he picked Lubys. I had on a pink tank top and jean shorts. As we were leaving, I heard a four year old ask his father after seeing me....why is "HE" wearing pink?......
oh, well
Shannon0 -
I know my story doesn't hold a candle to some of the ones on this thread but the worst thing said to me so far came from my sister.
She likened my decision for bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction to my step-sister who chose to get breast augmentation.
This came from a woman who lost her own mom (and obviously mine) to bc at 49.
It made me realize that although I love her she can be toxic in many respects.
She recently apologized with a note and present but I am struggling with including her as I head off to surgery.
I think that it is one thing to be hurt by strangers but by family members it seems just so much crueler.
I am truly sorry that all of you have had to face people who can't help but say the wrong thing.
I applaud your humor and, if it's any consolation to you women who have been mistaken for men- that used to happen to me in my 20s when I simply had short hair. I will never forget the day when a little boy in a store asked his mom, "Why is that man carrying a purse?" I started growing my hair that very day and kept growing it for 15 years.
I again have short hair and now all I hear is how "cute" it is.
Go figure.0 -
acgw,
Your hurt feelings are just as valid as anyone else's feelings. It does sound like your sister realized how stupid her comment was and is trying to make amends. I guess since blood is thicker than water, you'll have to accept her apology and move on. It sure does hurt more when it comes from people we are close to. Somehow we expect them to "get it", but that doesn't always happen.
Patti0 -
I have found my bosses wife to be a bit "toxic". (I love that term!) My story doesn't hold a candle to some, but you still have to wonder about people sometimes.
My bilat is today, and yesterday she came into my office and was exclaiming about much pain I'm going to be in, and was I sure they said this is being done outpatient. (No, I thought I'd just make that up!!)
I'm sure this was just a moment of not thinking, usually she's a very sweet lady and very supportive. Oh well, 2 1/2 weeks before I have to worry about work again!0 -
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My bilat is today,
OH! TODAY! It does come fast, doesn't it? I am offering up a prayer for you, right now...you will be in my thoughts all day today.0 -
Army,
Sending prayers your way that everything turns out just fine.
Lini0 -
Believe it or not, the worst things were said to me by my mother in law--
1. When I was diagnosed, she immediately asked if my bc was due to breastfeeding (of which she was always opposed to).
2. She stated that I would be like a "Turkey with parts missing" when I told her that I would probably need to have another mastectomy of my remaining breast due to a suspicious MRI and a hysterectomy due to hypersplasia issues after I finished treatment for my primary bc--stage II, 3.0 cm,er/pr+, no nodes
3. When diagnosed with severe thrush during chemo, she told me "you know, it's important to keep your mouth clean during chemo"--gee thanks, didn't know that.......Also found out from my onc that sometimes thrush will happen regardless...
I've since learned not to say anything to my mother in law as I'm almost always going to be caught off guard--This is the most cathartic way that I can think of to get some of my anger out and have a really good laugh at the same time!! It's good to see that others are faced with such ignorant remarks and handeling it with laughter as well. Here's to us! 0 -
It is said that "God gives us for family some people that He could not make us deal with otherwise."
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This is really the funniest thing anyone said to me....After my 2nd surgery a "friend" called. She is really a sweet person with a huge heart and would give you the shirt and shoes off your back if you needed them. I really got tickled because she asked how I was doing and then she said "now how do you spell what you have?" I spelled it very slowly c a n c e r. I'm sure she wanted to know if it was lobular, etc. but it stuck me funny and I couldn't resist being a wise guy!!!!
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Worst thing said to me was by my husband, who lost both his mother and his grandmother to BC, "when my mom had her surgery, they sewed her up like a football!"
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A lot of things!
When my mother had the recurrence in axillary and supraclavicular lymphnodes 14 years after mastectomy, my employer told me: 14 years was enough for your mother!!!
The same thing when 8 months later it metastasized to the liver. The surgeon who maked the mastectomy told me: 14 years after diagnosis with one positive node is a very good score, she has 8 months to live. Take your mother home, there is nothing to do... 2 weeks later the test showed that she is HER2 3+ and now she started Herceptin.
A very good friend of mine, when i told her that my mother has liver mets, told me: Oh my God, i'll pray for your mother to die very quickly!!!!!
Just stupid people....0 -
Lorenzo,
Oh my god! That last comment regarding liver mets takes the cake!!!!
Some people are more stupid than others and, as my husband likes to say, "You can't fix stupid."0
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