Worst Thing Someone Said To You?

NJN

To Chattypatti
Re your friends comments about the "free boob job"
When I was first diagnosed and was going in for my first double lumpectomy, my daughter-in-law said to me "breast cancer is not big deal these days. If it were me I would get them to give my breasts a

little tuck while they're in there" How insensitive. Now after 2 lumpectomies and a double mast, haven't heard a peep out of her.
People can be so thoughtless. I don't understand your Dad though.
I'm glad this thread was started to we can vent our frustration.
NJN Nancy

sportycath

I decided to play in a golf competition through my chemo and wore a black woollen beanie to cover my hairless head on a very cold day. I could hear a man laughing and pointing at me from a few fairways away but took no notice. Eventually he came over laughing and said "Cathy, the joke is over, you can take that beanie off now". I was quite embarrassed but managed to say "I have to wear it - I have cancer". The look on his face was priceless and we all had a good laugh at HIS expense when he left. Unfortunately, he now is terminal with a brain tumour . I hate to think of the expression "what goes around comes around" in this case - as he is a nice person who suffered from "foot in mouth".

sandyaust

Hi Cathy,

Yes the foot-in-mouth thing can happen to the best of us. It is my turn to 'fess up. A few months after I finished my chemo I was at a Body Shop at Home party with a group of lovely ladies. Some of them I knew, but some I didn't. I noticed a pair of crutches on the floor beside my couch and said brightly "Oh who's hobbling" thinking of sporting injuries and the like. As soon as I saw the look on the face of the lady who said they were hers I knew I had goofed big time. However the party saleslady kept it going by saying "Oh what did you do?' to which she awkwardly replied she had MS. I felt absolutely terrible. I quickly thought of apologising but decided against it feeling that she would probably just want the conversation to stop. So I said nothing. I still cringe when I think aobut this.

Take care

Sandy (aka Big Foot)

MrsBee

I'm getting really, really tired of people who, when they find out I've had cancer, start foisting this supplement or that remedy on me. And telling me that I need to take a "natural approach" to my health. I politely tell them to knock it off; I won't take anything without running it by the doctor first. Then they get mad at me and call me rude.

The more I know of people, the more I love my cats.

NJN

Mrs Bee
I know what you mean, these people seem to come out of the woodwork when they hear you have cancer. I have one lady who sells a form of mango juice and tried to convince me I should forgo surgery and take her juice instead. Guaranteed to shrink the cancer in my breasts! Another lady I barely know who sells some sort of miracle herbs and vitamins, phoned me and asked me to meet her for coffee. I said no and she was so insistent I finally had to get rude and tell her that we are not and never have been friends, I hardly know her, and the only reason she wanted to meet me was to make money. I almost hung up on her as she would not go away.
My ex father in law from my first marriage, (divorced his son over 20 years ago) also called me to sell me a product he sells and swore by. Ironically he just passed away from prostate cancer. Didn't help him much.
These people are opportunists, kind of like ambulance chasers.
NJN Nancy

newwoman

Diva,you are right about humor.May as well laugh about it when you can,cry when you need to.Both are beneficial.I'm still laughing over what my husband's grandson who is nearly 4 said this weekend.He first saw me with a ballcap/fake ponytail clipped in the back hole,then bald(he opened the bedroom door and saw me),then with a wig.We were sitting at the table,and I had the ballcap on again.Suddenly,he said,"Where's your other hair?" Then went on drinking his soda,didn't miss a lick.I tried to explain but was laughing too hard,it was just priceless."Out of the mouths of babes--"
Another incident I won't forget.One Sunday in March we were coming out of church.It is a large church with a big attendance.I had a Bible,purse,and wig on,and wasn't holding onto the wig A big puff of March ides wind took it sailing off.It blew several feet toward some parked cars.My husband went after it.I had on a cloth "beanie" cap underneath to keep it from being scratchy and it stayed on.Some ladies walking by did as you'd expect someone who just came out of church would: they pretended they didn't see it.My husband came back with it,and I sort of ducked down behind a SUV and got it back on in a hurry,and it was backwards when I straightened up.So I used the back glass of the SUV to straighten it up.I don't know who all saw me.It just couldn't matter,you know? I couldn't let it matter at that point.We got in the car(in a hurry),and husband trying to be kind and a decent fellow,kept saying,"Bless your heart." I finally said,"If you say that one more time,I'll knock the tar out of you." I started laughing,and kept on.The wig was hot,and I'd brought my ballcap,so I took it off and put the cap on and went to a restaurant to eat,suit,ballcap and ponytail.No,I didn't see the ladies there,but I saw several people I go to church with,and had fun telling it and when I laughed,they felt comfortable laughing along with me.Some people would just die,just want to crawl under a car and disappear.Having watched my mom lay in a nursing home helpless for 6 years unable to speak was absolutely the worst thing I had to happen.She wore wigs,too.I wish I could have told her about this,I know we both would have laughed.That's where I guess I got this strange humor,she/my dad were cut ups that could laugh at themselves.She had passed away in 2004.Knowing it probably had happened to her to,at one time,I just had to go on and make it funny for myself.I wouldn't think it was funny if it happened to someone else,however--not unless they laughed first.It's NOT funny to go through these rotten things,no hair,stomach torn up like a bad road,constipation,dirrhea,ect.But I learned a lot,mainly,the powerful medicine of laughter.Jerry Springer had 2 women on one AM when I was really sick--actually,one turned out to really be a man.This (man) was sleeping with the other woman's man.They fought,naturally,and turns out they both had on wigs,and pulled them off one another.One threw the other's wig,and Jerry slipped on it.I could NOT stop laughing.It turned into one of my best "bad" days.

newwoman

I know my last post was off the forum subject,sorry.I've had some well meaning but dumb things said,like everyone,but the one that stays in my mind happened to one of my good friends at work.She was still wearing her ballcap,and she works in an outpatient surgery center checking in people.She overheard a lady waiting on a family member to come out of surgery saying things like,"I can't believe somebody would wear that to work.What is her boss thinking,?" ect.ect.My friend's lunchbreak was coming up,and she knew when she returned they would be gone.When she got up to leave on break,she walked over to the lady so she could see her better.She was obviously bald under the cap,as we are during that time.In a nice manner,she said,"Mam,do you know what I think you ought to do? I think you should schedule yourself a mammogram." Then she walked out.They were gone when she got back,and not a word had been said.I wish I'd had the nerve when I was leaving a dr's office(NOT my oncologist's) and two older "sophisticated" women who should have known better were obviously laughing at my ballcap.I guess they've been in a cave the last few years,hadn't seen anyone wear one.If the waiting room hadn't been full,I'd walked over and said the same thing,then took off my cap and enjoyed their expressions before walking out.But,I didn't.I guess they just didn't listen to their mamas trying to teach them manners,maybe.

Unknown

I had what I thought was a good frined, until she said if you need anything call. She went away never to be heard of again.

Unknown

Dears,

I dont know if most of those you have referred to are socially inexperienced, ignorant or stupid. I think stupid is a very strong possibility and sums them up very well.

I am certainly glad I have not encountered such people, and I truly wish you had not either.

jz20022001

DebraLynn - good for your daughter for putting that idiot in her place and in such a polite way.

Catherine

Sunshine

I think the worst things people do to me when they find out I have cancer is to relegate me with stories of their loves ones (Uncle Ned, Auntie Emm) had cancer and died. Do I need to hear this?

2up

"i wonder what kinda bet she lost".......referring to my post chemo "hair"...........i actually laughed at the comment, then cried all the way home!

BJAlexandria

I'm so sorry!! That happened to me, too. My best "friend" for 30 years. Nice, huh?

2up

man.......my best friend since childhood has evapourated too!........i sucked it up, but it still hurts like hell! not nice at all.......i like to "think" its just too close to home for her but i know better!

kyasb

A very good friend compared what I was going thru, to her having just had a baby. "We're both going thru life changing things, it's very similar". I was dumbfounded as to how giving birth is the same as fighting for your life but I just chalked it up to her excitement over becoming a new mother. People aren't all that bright all the time.

barblsh

Oh the things people say..

When I was first diagnosed I was in the surgicenter getting my portacath. The pre-op nurse got me settled, put the IV in, covered me with a warm blanket..and while smoothing my hair out over the blanket says..."Aw, you're going to lose all your pretty hair"..what?..I told my friend we were leaving....

DebraLynn

This is not something that was said to me, this is something that was NOT said to me.

I attended a Relay for Life with my daughter. I know the team captains from school and the girls friends. They are wonderful.

When I was dx with cancer, some 'friends' (not the captains) treated it as gossip, not one came to see if I needed anything and they all knew my husband had left me and I had no family here. I was very hurt by their actions or lack of. I know they were gossiping because one had the nerve to come to my house and ask if it was true that I had cancer. I closed the door silently and never regretted it.

One of those 'friends' was at our station today. She did not say hello, did not ask how I was. NOTHING. Another said, "gee, I haven't seen you for ages." (she lives behind me)

I guess I am still very hurt and upset at them. They did come to support my other friend, however it was very obvious they were not supporting me. I overheard them talking about dinners and things that they had done for my one friend. I couldn't take it any longer, I kissed my daughter goodbye, thanked the team captains and cried all the way home. I don't understand. I was a friend to these women when they needed it.

Sorry this is so long, just needed to vent I guess.

susan_02143

Debra,

This is so sad.... I send you a HUG, a large and gentle hug. I would bet a hundred dollars, that I don't actually have, that your friend who received their support is still married.

Being single makes you competition. I wish that all of your friends had supported you when you needed it.

take care,

*susan*

mandyjayne

Soooo sorry you were treated that way. Just remember, when these ladies are by themselves, with all of their thoughts rushing in on them, there is no way that they could feel good about treating someone that way. They must be very lonely themselves.
I try to think how bad they must feel about themselves to treat other people that way. When they do go through something life changing someday, they will have a harder time dealing with it, unfortuately for them.
Just think of all of the joy that the GREAT people in your life bring you. Amazing sometimes how the good people just keep on getting better when the chips are down.
I'll be your friend any day!
Hope that helps.
Mandy

Unknown

I also have a friend who every time I talk to her tells me how jealous she is that I'm getting a "free" boob job. Does she not understand how "expensive" this is.....emotionally, financially, the loss of the feeling of being immortal, family and personal stress, and the constant fear..........?

One other comment I got....an insensitive comment (although it wasn't meant to be) from one of my doctors. When we discussed surgery risks for my bilateral mastectomy and recocnstruction (since I also have a blood disorder
that increases my chances of blood clots 5-8 fold), she told me that I didn't need to worry about that because this "wasn't a big deal surgery, or anything". I couldn't believe a doctor would say that - I was floored!!!

Theresa

Cyndie

You're right, since I'm doing the 3 day walk in November, I think I will do the pool as a 50/50 fundraiser toward my walk. I'll have to get on it Monday, since the hair will probably be done by Friday, but no one needs to know that now, do they?

NadineS

My mom has meant well but hasn't done a good job of saying the right thing. I am 39 and have never been married, although I have always wanted to be and wanted to have children. I was just dx'd 5/24/06 and had a lumpectomy about 11 days ago, 6/2/06. My mother was here with me and we went out to eat with a good friend of mine. I was recounting a story of another friend who really sincerely wanted me to get a cat for company (I used to have two who died in the past couple of years). My mom said, "Well, you need to get a husband before you get a cat."

That's not something someone who has just been dx'd with bc wants to hear, especially when, according to my surgeon, I will likely have to have chemo (tumor was 2.2 centimeters) and already aware that fertility is reduced with my age.

A night or two later my mom started to tell me a story that "some guy at the hospital" was really checking me out right before I walked into surgery. I had to tell her, "Mom, I know you're trying to make me feel better, but I just went through breast cancer surgery and that's not what I want to hear."

sierrasusieq

Okay, I have 2 new stupid things people have said.

The other day I ran into someone in the store who said that she heard I had BC and she asked how I was doing. I said pretty good and as far as I can tell I am BC free now. I said something about radiation 9 years ago and she said " what?" so I told her this was my second round with BC. Then she said in a very confident way " Oh !! well that is not good at all. That is realy bad !!" as if I am going to die now. and she looked horrified.
I said, well as far as I know I am okay right now.

The other night I went out to see some music for the first time in ages. Ran into a guy I know and I told him about the BC in reference as to why my hair was so short. He said " Oh , I thought maybe you where going with the dyke look" Pretty rude statement I would say.

moogie

I think the award winner would be my sister. Right before my bilateral mastectomies she told me on the phone that breast cancer wasn't a big deal because " they can cure it". Then 2 days before surgery she e-mailed me a list of things she wants from me " going into the future" as a sort of emotional demand note . Among her gripes is the amount of attention my illness has gotten from our parents. This is a big "issue for her", and as a result she has chosen to have little to do with me for "her own benefit". In closing she reminded me that my father used to call my bras" over the shoulder boulder holders'...and now I won't need one anymore.

I live halfway across the country from her and my parents. I have had all my surgeries ( 6) on my own, without help or presence from any members of my family. At the mastectomies, my parents and brother came because they had power of my health proxy should anything go wrong.

I have a wonderful life partner in my boyfriend, some true friends, and many interests in life to look forward to. When I read this letter, I was so stunned I couldn't even think. To be sure I wasn't off base in my reaction I gave it to 2 sane close friends who know my sister to read. They were horrified.

I decided that this experience taught me that life is short, and I will surround myself with people who support me. My sister is not in this circle. I wish her well, but I'll do this from a distance and silently.

Moogie

Chattypatti

Moogie,

How sad that your sister is so cruel to make this about her. Good to see that you know enough to surround yourself with people who care.

Patti

sedgymum

Maybe not the worst but upsetting still the same.

Last week at a family dinner my brother told me that his doctor strongly advised him not to let me cuddle/hold his 6 month old son while I am undergoing radiation treatment. WTF? I told him that I was of no danger to anyone while undergoing treatment but they were adamant!

Then they proceeded to let any member of my extended family have a hold. Talk about rubbing it in!

I told him it was ignorance like this that made it harder for people like me with a chronic disease.

jackie11

A customer where I work asked in front of a bunch of people if I was tested for the brca gene mutation. I said no it was not advised by my Onc. She then went on to tell me that her neighbor had it done and tested positive and had a prophilactic mastectomy and hysterectomy.

She then told me I need to be proactive in my health care and my own advocate. That insurance would cover the test and I need to push for it. That my doc would not suggest it. (Glad she knows more than the BC specialist that I go to)

I then said, I really don't know what I would do with the information. Her reply was you WOULD go have the surgery if you tested positive!

WTF...I hardly know this woman, she is a customer where I work, I never told her My situation. I was shocked that she would chose to say this and believe she was helping??

I told her I could not discuss this with her anymore. I then walked away. She has been in since and has said nothing more than hello. Hopefully, she realized what she did.

I don't understand why people say such ignorant things to us. I guess when someone says something out of line, we should try to educate them on the subject. Or punch them in the nose...LOL
Jackie

AlaskaDeb

OK..here is a good one...

Just a few weeks after I was DX I was in the store and ran in to a woman who is a distant relative. She has always been a ditz, so I don't know why I thought she would be anything but a ditz now...anyway...

She proceded to tell me about a woman she knew that had breast cancer and how it came back three times and how she did tons of treatments and none of the worked then she said "Oh, but it's OK because when she died thay had the most beautiful funeral for her. They even released doves!"

I kid you not...I just stood there with my mouth hanging open! She must have realized that she upset me because she tried to joke around a bit. Then she said "Well, you get better fast. I don't want to have to buy a new black dress!"

After that comment I made a sprint for the gallon of milk I needed and got the hell out of there. Now I laugh about it, but then I was SO pissed off.

You have to keep laughing girls...that is the only cure for stupid people. Laugh right in their faces

Deb C.

gsg

i think it's time to insert something Shirlann posted a while ago that still makes me giggle.

"People without breast cancer are worthless."

Sige

I can't believe how many people tell me "You look so good...I didn't expect you to look so good." Not sure why it bothers me...

Peggy