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Worst Thing Someone Said To You?
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My brother and I had a falling out several years ago and I decided that it was unhealthy for me to have someone that toxic in my life any more, and so I've had nothing to do with him since. We live on opposite coasts and so this isn't difficult.
After I was dx with bc, and before I'd had my lumpectomy, my mother called to say that my brother was all upset about the news and he was going to give me a call and apologize to me and all this stuff. That really upset me and I told her so. I mean here I was in all of this emotional distress, not knowing how big my tumor was, or my lymph node status or anything, and now that my brother thought I was going to die he finally wants to be nice to me. I asked if he wanted to make sure he gets put in my Will and I ended the conversation.
Then, I went to the setup for my phone and put in my brother's phone numbers on the list of calls that my phone won't accept. Since I have internet phone, this is easy to do. The last thing I needed at that time was my estranged brother calling me up and opening up old wounds and getting me all upset.
A few days later my mother called me up and began scolding me for not accepting my brother's calls. She said that I was being selfish by not allowing my brother to have this chance to apologize to me and stubborn to make him have such emotional pain. I was dumbfounded. Here I was, going through all of the anguish and uncertainty, and she was mad that I had made her dear baby boy upset.0 -
hey,jean louise..i live in pasadena, maryland..right near you.
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This may sound strange, but the WORST thing was having a friend say, "I know just what you're going through."
I was like, WHAT?!?!?!?! You've got to be freaking KIDDING me!0 -
Stupid thing one: from surgeon: this isnt such a bad cancer, why are you so upset? ((and i burst out crying even harder, causing him to walk out))
Stupid thing two: from human resource leader: You want a schedule change cause you are feeling fatigued? We ALL feel fatigued!! You cant have a schedule change due to being tired! ((so i brought her a dr. note and a brochure about cancer treatment fatigue))
Stupid thing three: from a stranger at the beach: WOW! You musta forgot to put your sunscreen on that side. You got to be careful so you dont get skin cancer. ((i gave her the finger))
But really nice thing that i remember, was coming out of anesthesia and i guess i was moving my hand to feel or look at myself under the blanket and the nurse helped me to move the blanket, saying, can you see your breast? everything is still there, you are going to be ok just sore for a while. You are very brave. God bless.
Sighing.. so it is good to know that not everyone speaks with their foot in their mouth!
Namaste,
ana
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I can answer this one now!!
A "friend" telling me, because I'd upset her, that I need to seek psychiatric help because I am going to self-destruct. And I'm perfectly healthy mentally and emotionally.
There is a special place in heaven reserved for the "insensitive".0 -
Sherry, I'm not so sure that's the direction all of them are headed.
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ROFL!! MrsBee, I was trying to think positively ~ but I'm afraid you are most likely correct!!
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I was baffled at how many people thought this would be "nothing" as well. So many stories of simple lumpectomies or maybe some hormone treatments from people they knew had BC. Not many understand all the variables of this disease and/or why I'm being treated so aggressively. My family feels like I'm getting overkill and everyone has a story. (Triple positive, Grade 3 tumor and I've done lumpectomy, 4 DD AC, and 12 wkly. Taxol/herceptin, then herceptin every 3 wks for the remainder of the yr., rads, and hormones for 5 yrs. - THE WORKS!) They don't understand. You have to constantly explain the WHY...SURVIVAL!!
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Quote:
hey,jean louise..i live in pasadena, maryland..right near you.
Hey you all are less than an hour from me. . . up in Lutherville, Md. 0 -
Wow, so many posts, so many stupid remarks - some very painful to read, let alone experience, huh?
My mother told me that my brother is a "prude," and I shouldn't talk to him (or to my father!) about the fact that I have breast cancer.
I couldn't believe it! I told her that although men may perceive them as a sex organs, breasts are glands, and what the hell does this have to do with cancer? Would they have felt better if I had some other, more socially appropriate cancer? If my brother had testicular cancer, I'd be there for him.
My mother had a partial mastectomy 14 years ago. We all waited at the hospital during her surgery - children and spouses. My father and I were with her in the recovery room. It's where I belonged and certainly wanted to be. I'm really steamed that my partner and I have been left to handle this while my family waits for it all to be "over." We're not alone, though- her family has been great.
While I'm at it, if one more person says to me, "Well, you LOOK good," I'll scream. My psychotherapist said it to me. She should know better.
Whew!
-jo0 -
"You look good" wouldn't upset me. People are clueless and are probably trying to be nice. Now, being asked not to tell your father and brother, that would upset me.
My sister said, "You were just trying to get attention." (I hope she was kidding.) And then she went around telling me that DCIS was benign. Hello, they don't do surgery if a biopsy turne out benign.
Catherine0 -
"You look good" seems to be the most common statement that I hear. I guess I'm supposed to look like I'm at death's door. I often wonder if they mean I'm looking even better than before I was diagnosed. Maybe there's a certain glow that bc patients take on. How come they never told me I looked good before I was sick. LOL
Last weekend my cousin said, "do you think the doctor wants you to have chemo because there's money in it for him?"
Someone else said, "It's great that you have Stage I. But be careful because XXXX had stage I and died from the side effects of the chemo" That was said right after I mentioned that I might have to have chemo.
You gotta love it, takes all kinds.0 -
Catherine- Does your sister know that there are much easier ways to get attention?? A bit self-centered is she??
The "you look good" comment gets to me too, but I really hate the "you look tired" one more. Geez, and I thought I looked good.
Lini0 -
I will admit that there are oncs who will order chemo even if it's not needed.
We had one locally who will sentenced this fall for false charges to the fed.gov.for giving half doses of chemo and charging for full doeses. She also gave chemo to people who no one could find cancer on, but she told them she was certain it was there "somewhere".
I wish they would hang her by her nipples till they fell off.0 -
My mother said repeatedly, that at least her bc wasn't in her nodes! All 21 of mine were positive. Thanks Mom, that really helped me feel better. I do think she didn't realize how often she said that. And, after I had worked up the nerve to say something the next time she said it, she stopped. I think my dad understood and said something to her.
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To clarify: My father and brother know I have breast cancer. However, my mother cautioned against my discussing it with them, because (I assume) they see it as a 'female' problem (my words). They're uncomfortable with it, with the fact that it involves my breast. Go figure.
-jo0 -
jomar1,
I've told this story here before but since you're a newbie, it bears repeating.
In the mid-Eighties, I was at the rosary for my paternal grandmother who died from heart disease. The priest said that she was a pioneer in the sense that she had breast cancer in the 1940s and was succesfully treated with radiation.
I was surprised that I had never heard about this and after the wake I questioned a few family members. For the most part they all denied it and said that the priest was wrong, must have confused her with someone else, etc.
An aunt took me aside and said that yes, my grandma did have breast cancer but that people didn't talk about it back then and that after her treatments no one ever spoke of it. It was as if it never existed.
I ache when I think of what she went through, how she had no one to talk to, no support groups, and of course no internet to discuss problems with cyber sisters. How lonely and troubled she must have felt!
My older side of my Dad's family is like that and they attribute some of it to 'modesty,' and 'privacy.' I think that they regard illness as a moral issue and that there is a certain amount of shame involved when one is sick or one's family member is sick. I'm not in their faces about it, but let them know where I am on the journey.
This same aunt revealed that my grandpa who died in the mid-Sixties of a 'respiratory illness,' actually had lung cancer.
When I was dx I made sure that everyone knew about it, kept them informed and updated, particularly those on that side of the family. The younger ones (under 60!) can discuss it naturally while the older folk change the subject immediately. I feel it's like paying an overdue debt to my grandma for what she went through.
My onc, by the way, says that radiation back then was 'pretty nearly nuclear' and it's amazing that any of those who had it lived through it, particularly as long as my grandmother did (she passed away about 45 years later).
My Dad couldn't even say the word 'pregnant,' he insisted on saying 'in the family way.' As my brother and I got older we'd always question what that meant, just to get a rise out of him.
It's up to you to discuss this with your prudish relatives as you see fit and as they can handle. You might be able to hit some middle ground.0 -
My bra fitter for my current prosthesis told me some horror stories of reconstruction gone bad, after I told her I would get recon next year. Thanks I needed to here about that!
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The week before my first chemo session I went into a jewelry store where an acqaintance from church worked. She asked how I was doing and asked if I knew so and so........I said no. She said that this person had had her first chemo the week before and they tried to kill her....she was so sick she had to be put in the hospital and have fluids, etc. The only thing I could think of to say was I was sorry and hoped that did not happen to me. Later I thought ......why didn't I say "which part of that do you think helps me"...............
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Got this email from my MIL yesterday...
"We just read your note about the last of the Taxol - that is great news. We enjoyed the ceremonial destruction of the Decadron - it probably gave you great satisfaction. When we moved from Illinois to Florida we had a similar feeling when we gave away the snow shovels and ice scrapers."
WTF?0 -
from my family dr (a woman mind you!): "Well, if you have to get diagnosed w/breast cancer, this is the best kind to have."
What???? some are better than others?
from the MALE receptionist in her ofc when I first heard dx from radiologist & was trying to get appt to see her (yes, I was rather hysterical): "Just calm down."
from my ONLY niece, whom I hadn't seen in 3 years: "Thanks alot. Now I have another genetic flaw to add to my family medical history when I go to the dr."
Astounding. What do these people use for brain cells.
I can laugh now. At the time I just cried.
grace0 -
oops,
almost forgot this one. goes along with the "you look good."
a woman on campus saw me (after not seeing me for several months) and hurried over to me, saying, "you look wonderful. wish I could look as fabulous as you do."
really? i don't think so. i didn't know what to say, just thanked her and went on my way. if she knew the pain and anguish i have been through for two years, i don't think she would wish for this!
grace0 -
third times the charm,
you know I forgot I even had this on the door to my office @ work--kind of says it all:
People know what they do
and sometimes they know why they do it.
But what they don't know is what what they do does.
grace0 -
Grace, I had to read that about four times before I figured out what it means! LOL!
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i was journaling today and remembered another stupid thing coming from the mouth of my sister. She said it right after i had gotten my hours reduced at work because of radiation fatigue. "OH GOOD! NOW YOU CAN BABYSIT THE KIDS AFTER SCHOOL FOR ME!" ((i did not; i gave her the finger too, and walked away)) .. dang.. i am giving the finger to a lot of people lately; never used to do that!
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Like it's easier to stay home and watch kids, NOT!!!
I didn't even have to do any other treatment after my bilateral and still treat my self to a nap every afternoon. You make sure and do that for yourself.0 -
be sure to take a nap...every afternoon.. heheheh .. i take nap every.. thinking... 4 hours i think! heheh I LOVE NAPPING... especially with the ceiling fan blowing on me, and my fuzzball cat purring against my heart...
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Probably worse has been uttered...preparing for my colonoscopy,I needed a driver due to the anesthesia,etc. My former" best" friend whom I had supported through non-bc issues and helped financially,etc.,said for me to get my elderly mother to drive me home. I am single and had lost touch w/some of my former friends.
That really stung as my mother doesn't drive in this huge city and lives 125 miles away. Talk abt fake friendships and this was before my bc diagnosis. "Friend" just faded into the sunset when my bc happened and was too busy.
The best thing abt all this? I am so much better off and have found much nicer people w/whom to spend time. There will come a day when all of us may need assistance and perhaps my phone will just use the caller id. I,truly,feel things happen for a reason whether we understand that reason or not. I still get annoyed w/petty but nearly like I did. Each day is truly a gift for me.
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Iris
"Happy trails to you...."
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Iris0 -
When I told my colleague about my dear one not responding to chemotherapy, she said ' how come she is not responding to chemo,she is so young , people older than her respond well!!'
she then added that there must be something wrong in her genes!!! and all this comes from a cancer researcher herself!
but the ironic part was that this colleague detected a microcalcification on her mammmogram, just days after she made the stupid comments. even ironic was that she refused to undergo a biopsy and argued with the doctors and kept telling me that she has no family history of cancer and she knows that the doctors are making a big deal out of nothing.
Also when my dear one was suffering during the final stages of her life, i had friends trying to make me feel " better" by saying, " my relative lived for more than 20 years after breast cancer and was perfectly healthy, how come she is not" OR "there is nothing worse than having cancer and seeing your loved ones suffer" OR " my aunt had cancer,but she never suffered so much and died peacefully". somehow they felt all this would ease my pain!!!
Anyways, All I can say that most people suffer from foot in the mouth syndrome!
take care and god bless.0
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