Worst Thing Someone Said To You?
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I recently began playing golf again. I have had to change my swing due to having a mast and SNB - right arm pit is still very tight. I was playing with a group of women and out played all of them. One said "maybe I need to get breast cancer so I can play better" I nicely said I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
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Worst things said to me --
When I was first diagnosted 19 years ago my cousin who didn't believe in doctors, tests etc. asked "Did you get a second opinion" -- this was the second opinion.
Same cousin after surgery -- "Did they get it all"
Same cousin -- why are you getting a prosthesis you can just stuff that side with a wash cloth.
Same cousin -- "Boy are the doctors taking you for all they can get"
Same cousin died last summer of advanced uterine cancer that had been ignored for years. She never had a Pap test, mammogram, colonoscopy and she was 62 years old. Ignore it and it will go away.
Then there was the elderly lady from church who came up to me in the supermarket and in a low, cofidential voice said -- "You are so brave honey, with that dreadful disease. How are you really?" like she was waiting for me to drop over between the cornflakes and the shredded wheat. Knowing her as I do, I got a chuckle out of that one.0 -
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Then there was the elderly lady from church who came up to me in the supermarket and in a low, cofidential voice said -- "You are so brave honey, with that dreadful disease. How are you really?" like she was waiting for me to drop over between the cornflakes and the shredded wheat. Knowing her as I do, I got a chuckle out of that one.
Your reaction was one of the funniest things I've read in a long time! Thanks for the great cereal aisle visual, lol...0 -
A horribly rude co-worker asked me if I had breast cancer and if the doctors were going to "cut off your breast". He smirked and acted happy when he said this, and he said it during the time when I was getting medical tests done and still trying to find out treatment options. He also made comments about me going out walking on my lunch hour. What a creep!! Also, my 86-year-old neighbor asked what was going on with me and after I told her, I never saw anybody run faster than she did!! She has never asked how I'm doing, and one of my brothers is the same way. I guess you never know what will rub people the wrong way, but you can't let a few rotten apples spoil the whole bunch. Most people have been so supportive, and I consider myself lucky to be surrounded by such caring people. I hope everyone has supportive people in their lives...it really makes a difference and helps us to deal with this horrible disease.
K.0 -
I can't tell you how many clods I encountered saying those exact words -- "cut off your breast." It stunned me. Also, there were several people that couldn't understand why I didn't just "cut both of them off." It's not like cutting your hair, ya know?
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Cindy, those rude people are lucky you didn't smack them. What were they thinking?
Catherine0 -
Hey there,
We just talked about this topic last nice at my breast cancer group therapy session.
I thought that I'd share my "worst thing" with you too:
My brother, whom I love dearly, but he ain't the sharpest tool in the shed, asked "What was my prognosis?"
I gave him a straight answer about how there are so many advances in the cure for breast cancer and blah, blah, blah, I'll be fine for many years to come.
In hindsight, I wish I answered him sarcastically and told him what a stupid question that was.
A week later, my male cousin asked the same thing. I think people just like to use big words or something.
Randy0 -
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my 86-year-old neighbor asked what was going on with me and after I told her, I never saw anybody run faster than she did!! She has never asked how I'm doing
I can almost tolerate elderly people asking weird or stupid questions. They grew up in an era when little was know about cancer and what was know either wasn't talked about or if it was it was in whispers. My grandfather died in 1943 of lung cancer. The family always said that it was tuberculosis. Than was more acceptable than cancer. About 6 months before he died the dr wanted him to go to the "Gratwick Clinic". He refused because everyone knew that when you went there they experimented on you until you died. The Gratwick Clinic was the genesis of what is now Roswell Park Cancer Research Institute in Buffalo. But back then no one could imagine a cure for cancer. There are a lot of older people out there who still carry the old wives tales that they grew up with. The ones that bug me are the ones who are young enough to be informed but like the guy you work with, choose to be jerks about it.0 -
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I can't tell you how many clods I encountered saying those exact words -- "cut off your breast." It stunned me. Also, there were several people that couldn't understand why I didn't just "cut both of them off." It's not like cutting your hair, ya know?
There was a woman on an AOL message board that I post on who prided her self on calling body parts what they are and not use what she considered to be unacceptable substitutes. When she had a mastectomy she would not use that word. She insisted on saying "I had a breast surgically removed". Claimed that the word mastectomy was used only by people who were falsly modest and it was a cop-out. We couldn't get her to understand that the word mastectomy was a medically acceptable term for a surgical procedure. Nope -- she believed in being honest and not hiding behind euphanisms. She and I went round many times about that one.
Something else just came to mind. Years back, there was a breast cancer chat room on AOL. There was a woman who delighted in causing trouble no matter what board or chat room she was in. She would log on to the bc chat room. Type in "breast cancer ha! ha! ha!" and log out before she could be caught. Eventually I heard that she did lose her account because of her bad track record -- haven't heard from her in ages.0 -
A couple of weeks after my second mastectomy, I was in Walmart and ran into 2 cousins. Wanted to know why I was there and not at work. Told them that I just had a second mastectomy -- while they were stammering through a couple of stupid comments. I said "the first one was so much fun that I decided to do it again" -- shut them up like a couple of clams -- they didn't say a word, just walked away. Heard later via the family grapevine that they thought that I had a bad attitude when they were trying to be nice and I snapped them off. By the way when I mention cousins. I have a lot of them -- I'm the oldest of 33 grand children
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After I knew I would lose my hair soon, I had it cut in a short style so I could gradually get used to it. I called my mother to let her know who said "Oh good, I like you better in short hair anyway. Take a picture so you will know how to cut fix your hair after it grows back.
I also had someone tell me that I had created the cancer and I could chose to make it go away. It is all in the attitude.
Someone else asked me why I was having radiation and chemotherapy after the lumpectomy. Did I not know the side effects?
But I still think the worse thing is the totally ignoring that I have cancer in the first place. I see the same people everyday and most of them know that I am missing lots of school and have lost my hair, and never say anything at all... In fact, another friend at school cut her hair off when I lost mine and then the next day at school people went up to her asking why she had shaved her head, and would ask if they could rub her head. With me, they didnt ask or say anything, even when we were together. The last time someone asked to rub her head, I said " do you want to rub my head too?" I think I shocked them by that comment. And these people are in school to become doctors!!!
I guess the balance is the people who I hardly knew that have bent over backwards to see if I needed anything, or offered to go with me to get chemo, or told me that I looked really cute in my new hats and scarves and what I fashion statement I was starting!
It takes a crisis sometimes to really see people.
Vicki0 -
I was recently listening to my siter-in-law's woes....all of which are self created! After about 45 minutes she says ;I'm so stressed out, I can't sleep, I can't eat and I think I'm losing my hair!' I wanted to pull off my wig, hand it to her and say 'don't worry, honey, you can borrow my hair!' But I didn't.
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[quoteIn the past, the secrecy and shame surrounding this disease caused so many women to suffer in silence, and so many to die.
Quiet Sunday afternoon. So I started this thread from the beginning and am reading all of what you have to say. As much as I have experience comments, I'm still amazed at how insensitive people can be. I think some people think they are being consoling and others are just uninformed and don't want to know. It also brought to mind an experience that happened to me about 3 months after my first surgery. I had a suit jacket that needed the sleeves lengthened so I took it to the woman who did the tailoring for my dry cleaners. As I stepped into the fitting room she looked at me a bit puzzled. Then in her broken English she said "I thought you had..." and she moved her hand down the front of her chest and said "gone?". I explained that I had a prosthesis that made it look like I still had a breast there. She slowly shook her head in amazement and said "In my country, gone, no more. Nothing to buy". She was from some where in Eastern Europe and had never heard of a breast prothesis. As I went to the car I thought that you know no matter what we a lucky in that we have treatment and options available to us. Women in those countries have no options.0 -
I go thru great pains to look my best when I go out. Yesterday, someone (male) said...'You're handling this cancer thing pretty well...guess it's not as bad as they say' Yikes!
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It sounds to me like Wal-Mart is a dangerous place to go -- you're bound to run into someone who will offend you.
Work too.
Julie0 -
Cindy,
So there are other obnoxious people out there besides my horrible co-worker? How terrible!! I'm so sorry that people have said that to you. You'd think they would at least have an ounce of empathy and a shred of common decency. There was something on the news that said cancer patients have a higher survival rate when they have a good support network, so I hope you get away from all that negativity and surround yourself only with the most supportive people in your life...they will help you get through this. Think happy thoughts and be well. I'm wishing all the best for you.0 -
Diane,
You make a good point about older people. Thank you for sharing that with me. What a terrible time that must have been for your grandfather...at least we are lucky to have so many treatment options available today. And you're right that people can be more informed these days. Unfortunately, I think some people are so unhappy with their own lives that they're almost happy, in a sick way, to see someone else go through a difficult time. They don't seem to stop and consider that one day it could be their mother, sister, daughter, or even a male relative, or themselves. How sad. I'm just grateful that there are people in my life who have been so caring and helpful to me. I hope that you have a lot of supportive people in your life to get you through this challenging time. Take care and be well.0 -
Unfortunately, I think some people are so unhappy with their own lives that they're almost happy, in a sick way, to see someone else go through a difficult time. They don't seem to stop and consider that one day it could be their mother, sister, daughter, or even a male relative, or themselves. How sad. ....
I think you are so right in this. I can remember people back through the years who had this attitude. One woman who lived on the next street had to have every bit of gossip she could find about people. When there was serious illness she couldn't wait to tell and to embelish -- usually ending with "it would be a blessing" followed by a long drawn out sigh. But when it came to calling that person, helping out or visiting -- oh no!! she "didn't want to get involved" or "didn't want to be a bother" or didn't want them to think that she was being nosey. She was an only child, never married, lived with her parents and when they died she kept on with the same dull life she had grown up with. She was not a happy person at all.0 -
I chose to laugh at/with one of my good buddies who decided to place his foot in his mouth.
We've not seen each other for several months, and in the course of our conversation he asked what was new and I realized he'd not heard about my diagnosis through the grapevine. So I told him I'd been diagnosed with breast cancer.
I'm standing there 1 week after a bilateral mast (of my pair of Ds) with no puffies in my camisole when he asked, "Are they going to do surgery?" For once I was thinking quickly and said, "All gone already, but at least I know you aren't staring at my chest when we talk!" and then we both started laughing hysterically.0 -
Actually, it was my rad oncologist. When I was starting rads, he said to me, "well, if this doesn't work, we'll just cut it off." Felt like saying, yeah, we'll just cut off your testicles too. See how you'd like that!
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Jealous, I say. She was green with envy. That, b....!
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hi, we were at my moms brother in laws funeral. everyone in the family knew she was going through bc. so one of her cousins ask did she change her hair. it hurt moms feelings . i almost said no stupid she just changed wigs. god bless
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My first oncologist actually said the worst thing to me also. I was diagnosed with IDC er/pr+ her2-, the tumor was 1.2 cm, and I had a couple cells in the sentinel node. I remarked that I didnt' seem to have a bad diagnois and he said "Oh, you're not as well off as you think." My sister and I were stunned, and I still have nightmares about this today, and it still worries me. After my first chemo, I ran out of that place like it was on fire, and got a new onc, who assured me my prognosis was excellent. sheesh, bedside manner my butt!
Paula0 -
This happened the other day but I think it was more lack of knowledge than anything. A good friend at work is young enough to be my daughter. She has been very concerned and always asked how my appointments have gone. When I came in and told her that my tumor markers were real good she said "Oh good! then you can stop doing this chemo that is making you so sick." I explained to her that no, I would still have to stick with it. She apologized and said that she didn't realize that there was a certain protocol that had to be followed.
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everyone was afraid to talk to me for the most part. i did have the occasional 'you have cancer? my parent died of cancer' but over all, everyone was awesome to me. I noticed that people wouldnt discuss my cancer, and i wanted to talk about it, so i used humor to make it easier to talk about it, i chose to mock my cancer, and that way NO one was afraid of saying the wrong thing. nothing was off limits. that is me tho, and what works for one may not work for another
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A couple weeks ago a " friend" told me that it seemed like everything was 'all about me".... I guess that one will be scratched off my list.
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worse thing said to me was "you're lucky, at least you know what's wrong with you!" spoken by someone who was not feeling well but not sick. at least not physically.
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I've got a couple, one from a neighbor with kids at same school "I wish I had a good excuse like you so I didn't have to volunteer so much"
the one that tops the list was at my doctors, both pcp and breast surgeon's the nurses have asked me the typical ?'s about breast changes... nipple discharge.... I DONT HAVE NIPPLES!! DAH...0 -
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