Worst Thing Someone Said To You?
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I've had so many "Well at leasts"! Sometimes the best thing to say is nothing at all.....
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first time to post on this site;
Tonight as my family (daughter, son in law, and granddaughter) and I exited the movie theater....I remarked that I wanted to go to the bookstore next-door for a bit. No one truly wanted to stop but amid all the grumblings, my daughter said " come on guys, we should go.....after all she does have cancer". I about swallowed my tongue! I replied "Don't say that!!"
I am flabbergasted that my darling child thought that remark was funny:(
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My neighbor asked what size bras I wore since I wouldn't be needing them anymore after my BMX
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Two weeks after my diagnosis I was at the store and a friend of my mother's came up to me to tell me that she heard about my "unfortunate news". Then proceeded with, "If you need chemo and your hair falls out, make sure you draw your eyebrows on because that's what gives your face your expression."
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I am almost one month into this chapter. Less than a week in, I was reading a lot, preparing myself for what was to come, and sharing with my boyfriend. I was taking the good with the bad; Trying to be realistic as I awaited the results of my CT and bone scans. Beleive me ladies, I have handled things like a champ so far; as I do with most things. I also like to talk about it a lot. BF said to me one day that I have to "stop with the whoa is me". Even when he said it, I knew he didn't mean it like it sound. Still, it bothered me until I confronted him about it a few days later. Some folks just don't think before speaking!
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A coworker upon finding out with most others at work eagerly told me how his friend started pissing red sh*t after chemo. Shortly after my first infusion, he texted to see how I was doing and then eagerly asked if I had started pissing the red sh*t.
:-/
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A couple of people have asked "well, you should feel normal by x day, right?" Um,I really don't know. I feel as though they are rushing me and some days, I want to wallow or be taken care of, darnit! My appearance is almost always strong. I think I need to act less strong for some people. Otherswise, they may develope unrealistic expectations of me. This includes my boss, boyfriend and mom.
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* My ex professor hearing from me that I had breast cancer said that Breast Cancer was a gift.
* My mother while staying with me (two days after my uni mx) says she does not want to hear about this for the remainder of my life.
* Upon telling my father that I was afraid of possibly dying from this disease (a week after my uni mx) he laughed and said he was a fan of therapy and psychiatry.
cruel; thoughtless; selfish
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Becky I had a similar experience with my parents 25 yes ago. My mother did not want to see me , hear about it or visit the hospital. At the time I was given a poor prognosis.. End of story it's 25yrs later and I'm the one still alive. Even though I'm dealing with another primary bc in my other breast now I'm In the middle of taxol/ herceptin for the next 12 wks . I'm feeling good. Oh latest off base remark from an old friend who jokingly asked me last monthto leave her my Max Mara coat in my will. Not the joke you make to someone dealing with this.
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Wow, Bcky,,,, those were really thoughtless, selfish comments. Especially from your parents. I am seriously pissed off for you.Suladog: "lovely" comment. I think your friend did not know what to say, and was trying for a joke,, that really fell flat. I don't see how anyone can joke about dying with someone who has cancer. And 25 years after,, OMG,,, You are a rock star. Hang in there!!
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Becky, I am so sorry about those harsh words. But I wanted to ask you: do we have the same mother?
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Almost too many to recall. Let's see
- My mom's died such a horrible and painful death. Hoping yours won't be as bad. - from a coworker
- it's just chemo why exactly can't you work? - same coworker
- I wish I could get an insurance paid boob job - best friend
- it's too hard on me to spend time with you. Seeing you makes me cry. - friend
- god gave you cancer to show you that you work too much. - my secretary
- you're so lucky you can throw on a wig and not worry about having hair - multiple friends
Ugh!
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Thank you for letting me know I am not alone ladies aka BC sisters and friends. Cancer is a gift? Really? I don't know any one wishing for it and I would not wish it on my worst enemy.
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I lovecoasters: OMG,, that wig/hair comment is just too much!! Tell them to shave their own head and wear one! Geeeezzzzzzz. Insanity.0 -
unreal, ghastly and bizarre. I have had my share too, but nothing prepared me for some of these!
Really, I have a hard time restraining myself these days with the dumbasses that spout off. The last thing was a now former friend, always narcissistic, who texted a pic of herself posing and all about her new HAIRDO, yes, while I am in Chemo and bald. The woman is nearly 60 years old, FFS. I have no time for anyone like her any longer...she is out of the circle of trust!
Oh, there was some other ahole that had a comment about how NICE it would be to be nauseated and diarheea from chemo, so as tolose weight!!!!
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*bobogirl -we may have the same mom. I was too sick two days after the mx to do my laundry. So my mom did ours both but refused to wash my surgical bra. I desparetly needed it washed. She read a book the whole time she spent with me. She started saying at one point "I cannot believe I spent all this money to travel out here" she was getting ready to make a complaint (except she had nothing to say). I had done nothing wrong. I was in a shared hotel room with her as she refused to stay at my nice apt. I had done nothing wrong. I slept. I changed my blood pump. I ate. I slept. I was kind and tried to be conversive. I apologized for being so so sick and tired. I was in allot of pain.
*ilovecoasters - someone describing their moms horrible death as a result of the same disease we have is literally despicable.
*Glennie- thankyou
*Saludog -I will never know how people can be so heartless and cruel in times of our greatest need. I am sorry your mom completely neglected you. Very.
I used to be an over achiever. Type A. Award winner. My days now are PHD appts. Occupational therapy. Therapy. Almost every day appts. When I have a day or two off I sit on the couch with my MS. Kitty Blanket and take Ativan and Oxycodone because I cannot manage my terror/pain of this dx. At the tax preparers the other day I started crying. I can do an hour anywhere then I start crying. Grocery store etc. My home is no longer spotless. My eyebrows have not been plucked in weeks, I skipped a day of a shower. I stay in the same pjs on my days off day after day. I hate what BC has done to me. Before I sleep I pray to God about death. 20 to30% of us go on to Stage 4 and I no longer believe since my BC dx I am special and not susceptible to terrible tragedy. I hate BC.
* Bippy- that awful witch
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During my last treatment everybody was excited and happy for me... me and my husband had on matching "LAST CHEMO" tshirts..Then this one guy says, "for your sake i hope you're right...you know it can come back."
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enim20erica,
Good lord!! The stupid....it burns!!!!
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Suladog.. my thoughts exactly! My husband was really upset, but I just brushed it off.
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Enim20erica,
Try this for size the old friend who asked for my coat in her will is the wife of a U.S. ambassador in the state dept for years and yearsshe knows how to be diplomatic...not. Still one of my oldest friends as my husband pointed out she does say some stupid shit
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i was at a wig shop recently. The woman sitting next to me was being helped with a hair piece because she was growing out her dyed hair. She turns to me and says to my bald head at least you don't have to worry about dying your hair. I said no....I just have to worry about staying alive. Then the owner says oh don't worry your hair will grow back I said no it won't I'm stage 4. Chemo until I'm dead. She then said there's chemo pills you can take...your hair will grow back. I surprised myself I'm typically a little more timid. It made me mad the owner and everyone assumes they know me and my health and my treatment. People are clueless
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ugh, hopefaithcourage. I'm sorry you had to deal with that. My dad's wife has been trying to encourage me to seek alternative therapy rather than chemo and she said to me over the phone "chemo and radiation treatments don't work." This was 4 days before my 2nd chemo infusion. That's a special kind of ignorance. My dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer 26 days after I got my BC diagnosis. I can only imagine what she is saying to him.
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I also just feel great when someone always tells me about someone else with bc, and there are DEAD.
No alive, feel good stories, just how they were a trooper through all the treatments, but they are dead now. Nevermind if it was 40 years ago or 2. I seem to draw these people like wasp in the spring.
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Valstim, I get that all the time! Drives me nuts!!!
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I always think I heard it all, until I read these often shocking things said to us! OH MY - unbelievable.
Myself, my mom and sister were all diagnosed with breast cancer within 3.5 years. My sister was the last one (just completed active treatment), so I warned her that EVERYONE will tell you about someone who has died, is dead, or is currently dying of cancer. Also, that you will rarely hear survivor stories.
I am now 4.5 years out! BUT I still get it all the time- from friends, to acquaintances, to bank tellers -- happens often and I'm not the one talking about cancer. It gets easier with time. You learn some skills to shut your brain off and to come up with some good come back lines, etc. It is an art form!
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The one that upsets me the most is "Why didn't you do your boobs? I know someone who did them and they look great". Gee thanks for reminding me I lost a breast, as if that's what's so important. But I haven't been getting those comments since I got a proper prosthesis and bra, now it looks completely normal and someone actually asked me if I had the surgery.
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I just recently had my last chemo treatment. Everyone always says, "But you look really good!"
What I want to say: "You should see me with hair!"
What I say: "Thanks!"
My MIL said that she read that cancer is in every one of us and stress is what brings it out.
What I wanted to say: "Did you have that much stress when you were 28?" (She had tongue cancer)
What I said: "Oh just like the zombie virus!" (And we laughed).
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I think most people who say dumbassery stuff haven't a clue what to say so they try to point out what seems to be a positive to them, like you got a new boob job or the at leasts. They are trying to cheer you up and don't know what to say. I've had a couple friends flat out tell me as much. They've never had cancer nor been around anyone who has so they try and point out some kind of what they think is a positive. I just laugh and say thanks.The laugh part is wtf and the thanks is so they think I liked it---so it balances it out. :P
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After my second chemo infusion a few years ago, I was in church. My hair was gone, but I was feeling pretty good. One of the ladies asked me what was wrong with me. When I told her I had breast cancer she smiled and said, "You are so lucky! You have one of the good cancers!"
I was shocked, but being polite (and in church) I thanked her for her thoughts. I totally judged her unfairly. It turned out the old man hunched over in his wheelchair at the back of the church was her husband. I didn't recognize him. The last time I saw him he was standing tall at 6'4", Smiling and Healthy. He had recently been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. It was relentless and heartbreaking. He died a few weeks later. He was her world. She committed suicide less than a year after he died.
So, I don't get upset anymore when some says something insensitive or odd. I use the opportunity to educate with kindness.
At Walmart today I was riding one of those electric shopping carts. An employee said, "What's wrong with you?" So I smiled and told her. She learned about cancer and maybe a bit about asking a question if you don't want to deal with the answer.
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Oh gosh MorningStar, I feel you on the electric cart. One time, before cancer, I had a different surgery for an abdominal infection/abscess and was in an electric scooter, shopping. My wounds were draining out. I was in a tremendous amount of pain and really shouldn't have been sitting up, much less walking, but I REALLY needed my Tylenol, orange juice and Jello. A man called to me as I scootered painfully through the produce aisle, clutching my poor oozing tummy with every bump and jerk of that silly electric cart, "You must be MENTALLY handicapped, am I right?"
I broke down and cried in the grocery store. It wasn't my finest hour, no. Someone might not have a crutch or broken leg, but there are many other reasons to use the sit-down shopping cart.
There are times when I am not terribly fond of our species.
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