Im bitchy, I moan, I groan.....anyway.
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Otter, already read your post on the email update, so I sent you a pm instead of replying here. Many {{hugs}} dear lady! THAT SUX BIG TIME
and I'm sure the others would b*tch, moan and groan about it if you share it. We all have room in our hearts to rejoice and damn this mess in one thread! Rest easy tonight deal lady0 -
I don't want anyone to wonder why I'm being so cryptic, so here's a shortened version of the post I deleted. I had a major IOS today.
A former co-worker of mine has been battling BC for the past 10 years. She's had two different primaries (mast & chemo for both), then bone mets, then liver mets. She started on Taxotere this past summer just as I was finishing Taxotere & Cytoxan, so we compared notes via email, phone calls, and occasional lunches.
I just saw her today at a departmental function, and she has lung mets now. She has always been so strong and happy, and she's been very active at and away from work. She told me once that she loves to come to work, because it gives her energy. Today she was in a wheelchair and on nasal oxygen, and she can no longer work.
I wanted to hug her, but I thought I'd probably break down and cry in front of everyone. I felt so guilty. There I was, with my hair growing back all thick and curly; and she was bald for the 4th time. I'm having fun with retirement, but she can no longer do the things that give her happiness in life. She told me the new chemo she is on (since Taxotere failed) is giving her too much muscle pain and weakness, and she's thinking about stopping chemo.
I hate this damn disease. I've been doing pretty well, "Moving Beyond Cancer," but today it came rushing back to me. Thanks so much for the kind words, wish. Hugs to you, too, and to everyone else affected by this cursed illness.
otter
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Otter,
I'm so sorry to hear of your friend. Everyone's path is different in life. Some paths meander and some are straight and narrow. Some are filled will beautiful views and gentle valleys, while others are canyons with steep walls to climb. We don't always choose our path, but we travel along and meet people that become lifelong friends. I'm sure your friend feels the same about you. Her path may be coming to an end - maybe not. Only God can see where our paths will end up and how we get there. Stick with her and give her what you can and what happens, will happen. This disease sucks and though I have my little issues, everyone here is so supportive and giving when all hell is coming down around them. I have tears in my eyes for those wonderful ladies that have taken the time to help me.
Gentle Hugs and God's blessings,
Trish
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To all who don't know...I f...ing hate cancer.
The holiday season brings out the worst in me. In 2004 around this time I was being care giver to my younger sister. Our entire family gather for thanksgiving at her house and we all cooked. The first week of December she gave up the fight.
This year I can't get half of the family together for a meal. I am too tired to cook, my sister's two daughters have gone seperate ways and my youngest daughter to strung out on a d..k. I have been young and know what good sex is, but damn, I haven't seen her since my surgery.
My dh, who has yet to tell me he is going away for the holiday, has planned to go to Baltimore for dinner with his mother's family.
So, I will have to make arrangement to go over my cousin's house for dinner. My oldest daughter will be here, but I have never like this person and now must endure the holiday with her.
I would love to go to Arlington Cemetery to visit my sister and let her know that I am still fighting this disease, but no one will take me.
Damn I will be glad when I can drive over 15 minutes without starting to have spasms in my back and under my arm.
I will be glad to have enough energy to clean the entire house and fix a holiday meal, but I don't see it coming soon.
To whoever it was that made a post and didn't get an answer, I know how you feel and I am glad that you are going to the doctor, sorry that you must wait until the 9th. I will keep you in my prayers.
I too posted a question once and never got an answer, but sometimes maybe that is best.
Right now, I am just tired of being sick and tired of looking bad and tired of being tired. Will this never end. Cancer, sickness, bad hair and rock hard expanders make for a sad woman this week.
I hope that something happens to make me feel better.
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Otter--HUGE hugs!! THAT SUX!
Maybe I should just leave it at that, but I hope this helps:
I can empathize---I met a wonderful "older" lady when first dx'd with bc mets. She had lymphoma & her remission was considered a miracle. She helped me accept my dx & find strength in spite of my fear-she KNEW what I was feeling! We simply befriended each other with a special bond neither of us can describe (we ALWAYS seem to get the idea to call each other just as the other "needs" it)...I just found out a few weeks ago-her cancer is back & she is not responding to tx. I keep calling & we keep talking, but it always sounds like bad news & I feel guilty about having my hair & strength back as she is about to loose hers......Her dh was her rock & did all the research that got her her miracle. He almost died a year ago. Now he has dialysis 4-5 times a week! They both feel sick & old & challenged with the day to day of their lives. They have listed their house where they raised 5 kids & it makes me want to cry when she talks about her kids & grands coming to choose things to keep & how she is making up boxes of memorabilia for Christmas gifts as "home made presents"..........
.BUT-----we "get it" she & I--------it SUX & we both know it! Sharing that seems to make life easier for both of us! Do you think talking to your friend alone or on the phone might help you both? I bet she would never want you to feel bad cuz of her current situation... she probably already deduced how you feel. If it was me I would want you to commiserate with me. That's what we do here......
I know we aren't supposed to offer solutions here--but I hope this helped at least a little---HUGS I am crying with you---THIS SO SUX!!!
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Trish--that was a beautiful post......
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Sue - I just gotta say that's the BEST news. CLEAN SCANS!
Otter~ I'm sorry you felt pain for your friend. And felt guilty, too, over your own returning good health. I think I am safe in saying that she would want you to revel in your good health, It is such a blessing and we've got to take it while we can. {{{HUGS}}}
I'll be gone before dawn to fly away for a family holiday time. Check back wi'cha later!
XXOOXXOXXOO
Lisa
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Just popped in to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving...
Sue ~ That is FANTASTIC!!!! You have been a real trooper and I am so thrilled for you!
A big THAT SUCKS to anyone who needs it today but I hope no one does!!
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HUGS for all. THAT SUCKS as needed.
After my husband died and I was miserable with guilty, regrets, holding a lot of anger, and having a really rotten time dealing - someone told me this: Guilt is like in a court of law - something done on purpose, meant to cause harm (guilty, not guilty). REGRET is a much kinder, gentler word. We all wish we had done differently sometime in our lives. We did the best we could at the time.
The reason I mention this is because I no longer hesitate to phone a friend, even if we both end up crying. That personal touch, voice is more meaningful than anything else. What kind of a friend are we/you/I IF we cannot share the good and bad news? MHO (my humble opinion).
Sorry if I have not responded individually to those who need it most. Gentle HUGS and Mega BLESSINGS, Nancy
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Hey all, just a very quick pop-in, haven't been able to read for a whole 68 posts (and that sucks!)
Otter - I'm so sorry about your friend.
Wish - I'm sorry about your uncle
Sue - great news!
Everybody else - I'll be away from my computer until at least Saturday. I miss you guys when I fall out of the loop, and that both sucks, but is also kind of nice, you know, in an "I love you man" kind of way...
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Good news Sue! And a happy SOI Thanksgiving to all! HunkyD
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Sue,
YEA!! Congratulations on the CLEAN SCANS! YIPPEE!!
Sorry I don't have time to respond to all ya'll's posts, but I have read them, and I just want to say that I really DO feel for you, and your IOS's do INDEED SUCK!!
Nancy, I'm with you, I remember how much it hurt when no one called me when I was dx'd with bc, because they just didn't know what to say, but just having someone to talk to, someone who may just say, THIS SUX!, it really helps make things feel better.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!! I am still here, and I have SO MUCH to be grateful for, so I'm sending warm wishes to all for a WONDERFUL THANKSGIVING!!
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aka & harley-couldn't have stated it better!
Off to assist in washing 2 dogs b4 the family conflagration tomorrow (someone always crashes & burns!!) LOL
Hugs all!
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Here are the "partners in Grime"..LOL
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saint, those dogs are already clean! Their coats are so soft and shiny (I can tell that from here) ...
I recognize the Golden, but, is the little dog a Papillon? (I should know that already.) Those ears are amazing. Papillons look so petite and elegant.
Thanks, everyone, for the advice about my former co-worker. I will call her, and I'll see what gaps I can fill in her safety net. She told me once that she enjoys visitors, especially when she's feeling too poorly to get out of the house. It was just such a shock to see her yesterday, since her most recent email said the Taxotere was working and her liver mets were shrinking. I guess that was longer ago than I realized.
Sue, I'm doing a happy dance for you! I know from my colonoscopy experience last week, what a relief it is to hear that the results are negative and everything is fine. I am slowly building up a large reserve of "denial", so that I can go to those onco rechecks and future mammograms with less fear than I have right now.
Yes, it sucks.
Hey, y'all--is your turkey thawing? What's for dinner tomorrow?
otter
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Congrats, Sue on negative scans!
Miss S
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It seems a few of us have recently come along friends who are not doing well. I have been corresponding with a woman from my church who is 10 years out. She has already had mets to the pelvis and now they just found mets to the spine. She has fluid on her lungs, but they said there was nothing on the CT scan to show mets there. Hopefully, just pneumonia.
I have been feeling crappy the last two days, as well. I don't know why. I have been doing really good with this. How can I feel crappy when I have only been dealing with this for 4 months and others have been dealing with this for 10 years?
As a SOI - I went for my Neulasta shot today and when I got home there was a message on my phone from my onc nurse. She said she had a couple of questions and that, if I got in before 5, to call her back. So I did. After a little talk about how my bowels have been functioning, she asked if I was ok because she sensed that I was not my usual chipper self. I told her that I was having a bad day, but that I was sure it would pass. She told me that I could call her anytime and tried to comfort me by telling me that I was supposed to feel like crap...I had just completed 4 cycles of AC, am fighting this damn infection, and not sleeping. But, I don't want to feel crappy. I want to be able to tell everyone that this, too, shall pass and I'm doing great and it will be over before we know it.
I'm going to my church's Thanksgiving Eve Praise service in a little while, so hopefully that will help.
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Jane-
I don't know if it is the gray November sky or that I was dxed two yrs ago in November, or that last November my father died, or what but lately I have been so tired of being tired, of having my life scheduled around medicine, doc visits, scans, etc. The long termness (?) of this becomes overwhelming to me.
I wish I had some wonderful words of wisdom, or comfort but I don't. Just know that you are in the prayers and hugs of those who love you. Know that you are loved.
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Otter--they were clean in that pic--but today they stunk! The Golden has hygiene issues & smells bad most of the time. When the Papillon sleeps on her he stinks too! We came in tonite from a movie & the kitchen smelled like CLEAN sweet smelling dogs!!!!!
My family indulges me once or twice a year & tonite we saw Bolt--Dh, me & a 16 & 18 yr old! LOLOL---see it if you just want to see a feel good movie--the pigeons had me HOWLING!
Hugs Jane & EWB---it sux--what this disease does to our heads---I KNOW!!! Prayers that it WILL be better & soon...........
We are all different, but one of the things that seems to help me is when I see others who have it so much worse than I do--and there are ALWAYS ppl who have it worse.......the thing that helps most is helping someone else. Talking to a scared newbie in chat ALWAYS makes me feel better-no matter what my troubles.
THAT SUX to all who need it!
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Nicki
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Nicki - Your animations always make me smile. Thanks.
I don't know how to get out of this funk that I'm in. I wish it would go away. I've been crying off and on for 3 days. I have so much to be grateful for, and I am. I could have it so much worse, that's why I can't understand why I'm suddenly so weepy. It's only been 3 months since my diagnosis and I'm already "spent." I've got at least 6 more months of this. I even went to Thanksgiving eve praise service at church last night. I'm trying. Hopefully it will pass soon.
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Just take it day by day (if thats to much) just get thru til lunch time, then deal with the afternoon etc. Be gentle with yourself--every now and again we all just have those days and its ok, don't beat yourself up over it.
I pray you find a peaceful, calm, healing place of your very own.
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{{Jane}} You are in the throws of treatment and now the holidays are upon us and honey...you need to take it one day, one week at a time. With your dx and all you've been through in a few short months, you can't expect to NOT be affected and respond emotionally. Unless of course, you don't respond at all. Some of us are heightened responses, and some introverted types. Let yourself wallow, then pick up your butt and get back into the swing. The holidays will pass and you'll probably feel better able to deal with it all. It's soooooooooooo stressful at this time of year with this mess surrounding. You are reacting normally. Truly. Let yourself accept that you are normal and it will get better.
IF you feel you need something to get through this time, ask your doctors. They are there to help you. IF talking to someone (counselor or such) then do that, but please.....don't feel you shouldn't be reacting to this very traumatic event in your life at a very emotionally tolling time of year.
Many {{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}} and even more prayers.....
SUX to be dealing with this any time of year
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I almost forgot to mention that the dr told me yesterday that he thinks I am getting lymphadema in the left arm. He wants me to talk to surgeon about it when I see her next week. He says there is a phsycial therapist at our hosp that specializes in lymphadema. My hand has been swelling and my left arm wing is 1 inch bigger than my right arm wing. (Thats what dd calls them, because I have those wonderful hanging flaps.)
I'm a recovering alcoholic/addict, so I'm used to the theory of one day, one minute at a time...move a muscle change a thought, etc. I have a lot of support from my AA friends and I see a therapist once a week. I will get through this (hopefully sooner than later).
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Well ladies, seems I've missed alot! I haven't been much in the mood to particpate in much more than my mets sisters threads lately. Holidays are a wonderful time but they are also a hard time!
I hope everyone in the US enjoysing their holiday, I will go have my traditional turkey dinner at a friends house and it is not going to be the fun entertaining normal time. Her children are all there and hate that my family have taken her in and love her as if she were our mother. I guess my kids are teaching them a lesson on how to love your mom. We help her when she is down and am there for her no matter what she needs and her children show up when she is supposed to cook a holiday dinner and try to get off spending as little as possible on a gift for her. Although the money doesn't count they don't even put thought into it. Giving a CD of music she doesn't even like is kind of worthless. Anyway, her family dinners are always tense and then we show up and it gets worse. Then they look at us like we are from another planet because after dinner we get up and help with the cleanup and don't leave until cleanup is done. They all sit on the couch and watch us like it is a show. I really try to be nice and not have bad feelings about people but I really don't like these people!
Ok enough bitching from me! I hope you all enjoy your day, I am planning on jetting off 6 hours away to visit my brother the rest of the weekend which I should really enjoy. I will probably be popping in so Have a great holiday to all that is applies! The the rest of you have a great day!
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Travel safe LuAnn. And as for those 'other' members in her family. What goes around, comes around...you know that!
You're sweet to support her and your children of course are learning a very valuable lesson, watching the thugs watch them Happy Thanksgiving everyone, enjoy your time with family, friends and foods, but if traveling....be safe.
I am home as dh will pull in later tonight and dd has gone to my mothers up north for the day. Tried to find someplace to volunteer today, but this town really stinks! Good thing I'm not looking for free meal, b/c I couldn't even find out where they were having any till late last night online!
Stupid town...oh well...tomorrow will be another day, just like today 0 -
Wish,
Happy Thanksgiving!! Glad your honey is home!!!!
Sue
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You also Sue! Thanks!
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Happy Thanksgiving to all--no matter how bad it is--there is ALWAYS something to be thankful for--even if it's only that things aren't worse (Cuz they always can be worse) HUGS
Jane---hugs, hon--remember----it's only been a few months. You still are processing & that is very delayed sometimes--give yourself a break & time to adjust---You are settling inot rx-now your brain is beginning to really embrace the facts!! Think how you would counsel someone you love, then take you own advise!! It WILL get better, hon--we are all here to attest to that fact, but you just have to walk thru it! (can't go around it!) I think the holidays can just make it all so much more confusing. We are here for you!
At church this morning we sang a song "How can I sing to God"=-==one verse made me think of this thread---"I will sing thru the ache & the pain, Thru the complaining & whining"===how's that for a hymn?????
Everyone be well & stay strong!
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