Im bitchy, I moan, I groan.....anyway.
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Nikki ~ when did you snap this picture of me??????????
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Hi girlies, sorry about all the suckage!
Lisa - how are you holding up?
Very funny list of things (can't remember list, or who posted it, but I laughed and forwarded it to a friend - thank you chemo brain!)
My IOS today, I've been researching, because I have my appt with the ps on Tue to talk about my recon options. (I'm considering the BPM due to BRCA +) This is the first time I'm hesitating to say something here, because my issue is one that generally gets no sympathy. I am not a candidate for any of the flap surgeries, because I don't have enough tissue. I'm not a good candidate for implants, because I've had rads, and on top of that, because I have no boobs, even the smallest implant is way too big, making the whole rads skin issue that much worse.
This is so pathetic but I'm saying it anyway (and praying you will overlook my immaturity and general whininess today, it's been a long week.) All my life I have had people make comments, to my face and behind my back, about how skinny I am. I have heard, "I hate you", and even though it's meant to be kidding, it can still hurt. If I had a nickel for every time a complete stranger said, "oh my God, you're so skinny!" to me I would be a millionaire. I would never walk up to someone and say, "oh my God, you're so fat!"
And now, my scrawnyness is a major factor in my recon, and I'm not allowed to complain about it, because I'm not allowed to complain about being too skinny. I actually had a "friend" respond, "oh please, I wish I had that problem" when I told her my recon options were limited due to my body size/shape. Really? REALLY? You wish that you were having to seriously consider a bilateral mastectomy with no reconstruction at age 45?!?!?!?!?!?!??!/!
Oh my! Sorry ladies, I am definitely feeling sorry for myself today. I am stressed and tired, and I will get over it. But I feel better saying this out loud, the one place that I have a hope in hell of not getting slammed for it.
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(((cmb))) - it's not fun to face limited options no matter what the cause! The most common way to address your problem would be a Lattisimus Dorsi Flap with implants after expansion. I would use this as a last resort, due to the damage to the major muscles in your back, if you are active. It's a Flap option that doesn't require fat, since an implant is added. But one can make an adequate breast mound, it's a common procedure, and few complications. OTOH, especially if you are slender enough to look proportional with small breasts, I'd look into finding a surgeon who does immediate recon with Alloderm One Step. There is not the expansion that stresses the irradiated skin and the 'pocket' is formed with alloderm. It works best with a skin-sparing mastectomy procedure, of course. You'll have to search for a great surgeon, but I have seen SUPERB results!
Lisa
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TGIF ((((((( ladies ))))))))))). Hugs for all. Sorry for the IOS -- THAT SUCKS. May the weekend bring only SOI. Nancy
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cmb ~ I'm glad you vented! Lisa put it very well, it's not fun not matter what the cause. Some people think just because you don't struggle with weight GAIN that you don't have body image issues or hear inappropriate comments. They couldn't be further from the truth! The comments you hear are just as rude. I've been on both sides of the scale and I was always at a loss for these comments as well. Short of being really rude in return...I never can figure out what to say. Don't ever hesitate to whine here...that's what were here for, we all have those days!
I hope you are able to find an option that works best and you get FABULOUS results...maybe that will shut them up!
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First of all, thanks for not just rolling your eyes and saying, "oh please, get over it honey!" (I should never have doubted you guys. :-)
Second, thanks for the words of encouragement. I have just about resigned myself to BPM w/no recon, although that certainly wasn't my first choice. It gives me hope to hear about successes, and I will keep an open mind about my options.
And third, the worst thing I ever said in response is recapped for you hear:
Random woman in nightmare group dressing room at Mandy's: "Oh my God, you're so skinny! How did you get to be so skinny?"
CMB respose: "I have cancer" (No lie, I really said this. In my defense, I was in my early 20s, so not quite all the way grown up yet. And yes, it does indeed haunt me. Shut her right up though.)
The second worst thing I ever said/did:
CMB walks quickly past 2 girls because she is late for class. Girl 1 says, "oh my God, she's so skinny!" Girl 2 says, "Gross, she's too skinny. I would never want to be that skinny." CMB stops, turns around, looks Girl 1 and 2 up and down and says, "I don't think you need to worry about it."
I know, so mean, but again, in my defense, I was young (and much more likely to go off on someone because I was so freakin' sick of hearing it. Now I just smile and think to myself, "bitch!") :-)
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And BTW, I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes because Lisa is dealing with brain mets for the love of God and here she is comforting me because I don't have good recon options, as if that was any sort of problem in the grand scheme of life!
I really do love you guys....
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CMB, I'd also be a millionaire if I had a nickel for every time someone's commented on my frame, so I feel your pain! I've been skinny all my life and also had difficulty with recon options once my implant failed due to radiation. But I absolutely love your responses to the "You're so skinny!" pop-offs! To have been a fly on the wall and seen these idiot's faces after your combacks. Sigh...
I ended up narrowly (no pun intended) being a candidate for an IGAP, but I wanted to tell you that I had seen three ps' before that was determined. My original ps (whom I absolutely love - invited her to my 40th birthday party where she came, ate and danced the Macarena with us, lol) only did implants. She helped me find two other ps' through my insurance who did recon, but one wanted to do a Lat flap (I'm too active so losing that muscle was not an option, which I told her when I called to set up the appointment; pity I had to drive 60 miles in each direction to find out what I already knew) the other wanted to do some crazy, jacked-up sounding technique using the belly fat I didn't have (he - and the hospital he represented - were complete and utter a$$holes, but that's another story). It wasn't until I actually went to a doctor who did flaps that I got an honest, professional opinion about what was best FOR ME, not for the doc based on his/her skill set. I suggest you follow Lisa's advice (she is amazing, isn't she?!?) and try to seek docs who specialize in doing alloderm or flaps for some real answers. I'll help in any way I can if you need it. Hang in there, girl!
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Colleen, LOVE your sass! LMAO!! And like Colleen, I thought of you Lisa, & vhqh & AlaskaDeb & a bunch of other women the other day when I met that wonderful woman with the lung CA & brain/bone/liver/everything mets. I had to sit in the car afterwards & weep for a few minutes. MAJOR SUCKAGE!
And, Isabella, would you please send me your DIL's phone number & address so I can find her & slap her senseless for being such a selfish, thoughtless dweeb???? No lie. They're dishes, not treasury bonds. They mean nothing to her except some fulfillment of her own avarice. Some part of her pea brain has to know that you or your daughter would appreciate it if she gave them all back. B*tch is too good a word for her.
LuAnn, I think any parent brave enough to teach their own kid to drive deserves sainthood!! LOL.
Kathi
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KAK, my hubby took the easy way out of teaching the kids by dying before they had to learn and left it to me to teach all of my kids. I have 3 out of 4 taught. My youngest will be able to get his permit in Dec 09 so I have a year til I teach again. I am just glad this one understands how to drive just wanting to learn a stick shift.
CMB boy you gave me a whole new perspective on my DIL she is so darn skinny it isn't funny and I joke about it with her but didn't realize I may actually be hurting her feelings. That is not something I want to do but she can not keep on weight no matter what she eats. I am sorry you have people that don't even know you or do and make nasty comments like that. I know when I say something to my DIL I joke about my need to lose weight so hopefully I am not hurting her. Vent away and we don't judge! In fact you have just opened my eyes to something I may potentially be doing to hurt someone unintentionally.
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I agree. Isabella, you should consider calling dil out on this. When you are with her and the other family members over thanksgiving (I assume), I'd bring it up as an option. 1) she can bring the dishes HOME to be used for the dinner you planning, or 2) she can do the dinner and all the prep at HER home!
EItehr way, you get to enjoy the set up, and you might even start a new tradition whereby you get to enjoy the holiday while someone else does the prep even 
CMB...been there, done that, only never so verbally. LOVED your responses, and NO that is NOT why you got breast cancer. I have a gaining weight which is needed at this point to regain strength after this last 3 years. I have no 'want' to eat, only eat be/c my body starts to request it by shaking and so on, to let me know it's time to refuel. Kind of like that sputter a car gives before running out of gas? Anyway...yes, it's hard to listen to the comments and off-handed meaness especially when someone is an avid eater and enjoys 5 course meals, then comments on your weight. Even when I do eat, it's not the portions that some do and b/c of that, I do not gain weight. Just can't and believe me, family has tried to 'fatten' the goose.
Just brush it off, to the ignorant and enjoy your body and soul as you should. Everyone has something they wish different, but only YOU can feel comfortable in yours. I hope you find that spot. My IOS....I wish dh would go back to work already. Been home 23 hours and I'm wanting him to leave. IS that sick or what?
I hate myself when I get in this mood 0 -
What gets me about the skinny comments is that most of the time, they come from folks who know how hard I do the physical things I do. YES, I can eat what I want, but only because I'm working out as hard as I do (I competed in track for 23 years training 3 hours a day, six days a week through most of it). It's not like I blink and the pounds just all off - I work really, really hard to look like I do. Infuriates me that the assumption is that I've just "got it like that." GRRRR!!
My snappy comeback scenario would be:
Stupid relative/training partner/doctor/whatever: "OMG! You are sooo skinny!"
Me (struggling to keep a straight face): "Yeah, I know. Believe it or not, I actually do more moving around than just the short pathway from the sofa to the refridgerator. Wanna come to the gym or dojo with me?"
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cmb35,
I am also thin, and even though since starting Tamoxifen, I've gained weight, it's all in the tummy region. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that as someone who used to be a size zero, but now I wear a size 6 jeans, it is hard being thin! The lady at the jeans store just rolled her eyes, and said "YOU are not going to get ANY sympathy from me!"
But, seriously, as far as the reconstruction goes... you are right, we are kind of limited in the type of reconstruction we can get. My ps just went under my chest muscle and put in the implants and then he filled them up with saline. This way, I didn't have to go through the expanders with the fills, so it was done all at once. The only problem I noticed was that it DID hurt at first, because I was being stretched all at once! Also, they looked like TWO water balloons, until they 'settled' in. Now they don't look too bad, though.
Felicia,
I like your comment to the stupid person who said :OMG! You are sooo skinny!" I wish I had thought of it.
Harley
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A big f...ing that sucks to all that need it.
It has been a while since I have had the time to post. Since then I have been not feel very well. My last expansion made me real sore and now I am in the process of waiting for everything to settle in for the next surgery. Meanwhile, my younger sister was rushed to the hospital unconscious for an over dose. We are hoping it was accidental, but who knows. She is the type of person that will do anything to get attention and since I have been sick she hadn't been getting attention. Well, now she is mad at me because I couldn't drive to see her in the hospital.
When I tried to explain that I am still sore and healing from the surgery and that one of my expanders has my breast kind of purple, she suggested that I call someone to drive me. This is my only sister and she has been to see me once since my bi-lateral. I have asked her to come and help me with my hair during the first few weeks or help me with the drains and she never could get here and now I am not being a good sister since I couldn't make arrangements to come see her.
Last night she called after I had finally gotten to sleep which is something that I don't do often and hung up because I wasn't in the mood to talk.
She doesn't understand that I can't help her right now because I am still depressed from recurrance of cancer and not having any income and trying to get SSI or disability.
She even had the nerve to say that I am lucky that I am getting new boobs. Well, let me say that I would trade my new one in for the chance not to have cancer.
Also, my surgeon had the nerve to tell me that I only had a small cancer, and I should be happy that it is all over. My question is what the hell is a small cancer? It was so small that I ended with a bi-lateral mast. Is this like a small pregnancy? In the end, be it big or small, it was cancer and I don't want to hear anyone else tell me how lucky I am. If this is luck, let me not be lucky anymore.
The next person that attempts to minimize how I feel or calls me a cancer patient, will be the one to catch all my wrath. I feel mean and I feel pissed. I want all this to be over.
I didn't know that I would have to wait so long between the surgery and getting the implants. I am so disappointed that I have to wait for two more months before I can get these expanders out that I want to cry.
Will this ever end.
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WhaSux.....I have been on both sides of this weight thing! In my 20's I was almost 5'8" & wore a size 6--hard to find a mini skirt long enough for me!!! Back then ppl used to call me the "Biafra Victim"--yep, dating myself. But how sad to make a joke out of something that was so serious--malnutrition & starvation!! All thru HS I worked at gaining weight, but it wasn't to happen----until it did & I thought all my clothes had shrunk in the wash! LOL--I have weighed over 200#. I hate that our culture has turned something derogatory "skinny" into a backhanded compliment! Body issues would be at a minimum if we lived most anywhere else! I am still fighting extra weight I have gained in tx & after breaking my leg, but mets is teaching me to appreciate my body in whatever form it is---cuz betrayed by it or not-it's all I got!!! We need to teach younger women that being HEALTHY is attractive! All our less-than-perfect bodies still can hug!
BTW--my IOS--eye issues are rearing their ugly heads again! Just got another shot in the eye & I'm having company for dinner--would rather put on pj's & lie in bed with the remote! See? I said I shouldn't waste feeling good! LOL But I told the woman at the clinic--I may go blind-but I can still bitch as well as ANYONE!!!!!
A big THAT SUX for all the family suckage, wounds not healing & snow.....here's to an IOS free weekend! Be well & stay strong!
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cmg - I don't have the too skinny problem, but I can certainly empathize with you. Insensitive people are rotten. I loved your comebacks, though. I wish I could think on my feet like that.
I had a major sucky day. I work for the State of New York. While I was out for 3 1/2 weeks with my infection, I ran out of sick/vacation time. The State has a program where other staff can donate some of their time to me, which many people did. I found out today that I can only use the donated time to take a FULL DAY off. I took 2 hours off yesterday to go to the doctor, but I can't use donated time for that. If I don't take a full day off, and if I don't have any vacation/sick/personal time to use, I have to take leave without pay. How stupid is that? I told my boss that, if that is the case, on the days I was planning to come in late because I need to get my Neulasta shot, I just won't come in at all so I can use the donated time. The same thing will probably apply in the spring when I have to have radiation unless I accrue enough of my own time before then.
Then, to top off my already sucky day, I finally got a chance to talk to the lawyer about suing the dentist. He didn't think I had a case, but he said that if I die in less than 2 years, my husband/family might have a wrongful death case. I think I'm going to get another legal opinion. That just doesn't sound right to me. Personally, I think that dentist needs to be held accountable for the pain and suffering he has caused me, not to mention that I used up all of my time because of him. The lawyer said that the dentist could argue that the infection was caused by something other than him. I just don't think so.
Then, dh, who complains about the church providing us meals because he can make dinner, got an attitude tonight because I didn't want fried hamburgers for dinner. Now, mind you, he was just going to fry a hamburger - no side dish, no vegetable. Also, we have been married 25 years and I have never been a big fan of hamburgers anyway. So, I guess I'll go see what I can find to eat. Maybe I'll find something that makes me feel better.
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Jane,
I am so sorry to hear about your job. I truly understand. I work for the federal government and have no more leave. I have been trying for two weeks to get the necessary paperwork processed to apply for donated leave.
As for your dinner, why not order something in for yourself. At times like these you need to think of you first.
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Ladies, a salvo from the BITCH Squad:
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cmb- I don't think it was a mean or bitchy reponse to ladies in Mandy's dressing room. People need to THINK before they speak. Their problem--not yours and don't ever feel bad about it.
I had similar situation..not too long after my dx of stage 4 my car lease was at its end. Since my children are mostly grown I didn't need to have a practical mom car. DH got me a lime yellow Saab convertable (I LOVE IT). Several people have since made snide comments about my menopause midlife crisis car. Got tired of it and responded that "it is my 'I have stage 4, terminal cancer and if I don't driive this car now I may never get the chance to' car" Enough said.
KAK- I think women need to run the world!
So sorry there are so many IOS--I offer gentle hugs and kick ass prayers to all in need tonight.
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KAK- I've always said that I thought that was how they should check men for prostrate cancer.
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Here is the first line in a book I just found:
"The capacity for friendship is God's way of apologizing for our families." It made me think of the family issues brought up here of late--also makes me think I want to read the book! I still wonder sometimes WHY we don't just give up on sucky family relations....I thank God everyday for my friends I chose as family! hugs!
EWB- I have an "I'm not dead yet" diamond ring-----I think we'd get on well!! LOL Still LOVE the "kick ass prayers"!!!!
A GREAT weekend for everyone!
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Saint,
That's a great first line! What book is it from?
I love the comebacks to the insensitive comments. People can be such dorks.
I, too, love the "kick ass prayers".
Hope everyone has a good weekend with major SOI's!!!!!!!
Sue
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Hi Ladies,
EWB, I went out and bought a BMW weeks after my BM with tissue expanders and I could not even drive at the time. I always wanted one so after my diagnosis I just went out and got one. When people ask I tell them that after I was diagnosed with BC I thought that I had better get the car that I wanted.
Hope everyone has a good weekend,
Kes
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I tried writing a long post for all the suckiness that is going on and wouldn't you know it, the post when poof. I have a problem of hitting the keys too fast and all of a sudden my web browser jumps back 5 pages and lose everything I typed......I guess I should slow down! Well big (((HUGS))) to all that need it and I hope everyone has a great weekend!
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May I pop in and share some suckage?
My wonderful mom went home yesterday after 3 weeks taking care of us and I'm sad. My DH has warded everyone that they might get wet if they bring up the subject.
Here is my journal entry from several weeks ago:
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My mom arrived on Friday to help us out for several weeks while I do my first chemo treatment. Let me tell you there is nothing like having your mommy when you're not feeling good.
For those of you that haven't met her, she is this tiny little sweet thing that never sits still, hasn't a bad word to say to anyone and best of all....she's a "clean freak". I pity the germs that might make me sick. They don't stand a chance with her around.
If you're having difficultly visualizing how chemo actually kills cancer cells in the body, stop by my house and meet my mom. Just picture her with a can of Lysol killing every germ good or bad. It's like Rambo with a deadly laser gun ready to pounce. "Mom, the mail came in do you think its safe?".....bam....clean now. "Mom, the cat jumped up on the kitchen counter".....bam.....(not the cat) the entire kitchen is clean...again. So if you stop by to visit you to might want to completely douse your body with hand sanitizer or be prepared to be scrubbed down by the Hazmat team of one.
I didn't have the heart to tell her that the dust on the book shelves and mantel probably doesn't have any germs that could make me sick but frankly I was afraid to get in her way. I wanted to keep a safe distance. Do you think she'll catch on if I tell her there might be some germs on the weeds in my garden?
______________I was glad she left early in the morning so I didn't have to reduce myself to an emotional midget all day long. My mom lives in Hawaii (her DH is Hawaiian). I was just certain I could get her to stay and take care of us for the next six months rather than go back to paradise. No such luck. The airport is not a good place to attract suspicion these days so I let go of her leg and off she went.
Suckage #2 - On top of that......I'm day 12 post chemo and my bar of soap looks like a Chia Pet. I forgot that the pubes can come out first. Last night I noticed that my nose seemed to be spitting in the cold air during my walk. After my shower this morning I looked and all my nose hairs are gone. I never contemplated the importance of nose hairs. I think I'm going to miss those.
Brush count is still low. I'm assuming that's next?
Other than that, all is good.
Renee S
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One more thing while I'm on a roll.
I love the way some people try to make you feel better about chemo but they somehow make you feel worse. This is my new favorite chemo comment....."My grandma did chemo 3 years ago and she just breezed right through it." ...........Of course she did, she was hairless and aerodynamic. She wouldn't even notice a 60 mile an hour breeze. Get your get your granny on the phone I want to know how it really went.
Do they really think that grandma is going to burden them with a play by play of the lack of fluids in her body that cause her calluses to crack and bleed every time she walks across the room to manually change the channel or share with them how many little bottles of eye drops she had to use per week just to see through her bifocals. I can just see dear old grandma telling her grandchildren all about the tear jerking constipation or the "I just couldn't make it to the bathroom" story and last but not least, all about the dry vagina."
Please accept my apologies; my hair is falling out today. I'm a little cranky. Renee
www.caringbridge.org/visit/reneeswartz
Dx 9/24/2008, IDC, 1cm, Stage II, Grade 2, 1/2 nodes, ER+/PR+, HER2-0 -
Oh boy I had fun reading the last 3 pages. You guys are hilarious. I too was a skinny minnie back in high school. Nickname: Bone Rack. But I was the fasted runner in the school and that got a little respect. I ate like a pig and didnt gain an ounce. When I was 21 my doctor told me I was anorexic... I said no I eat anything whenever I want. So she put me on a diet. Gained 60 pounds in 6 weeks (had pneumonia and bronchitis too). After that, I had kids. Then I was 200 pounds and rising. At 234 diagnosed with cancer, Metastatic cancer. And through a year of chemo, I lost 32 pounds. I dont care what size I take, but could it stay constant so I dont have to keep 2 sizes of clothes in my closet.
MY IOS - I keep running out of Christmas cards cause I have so many friends. So if you dont get one this year - I havent got to know you and you did not give me your address.
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I think running out of Christmas cards because you have too many friends is a great problem. I don't have that many friends, so I could probably send you some of my cards. :-)
Chemosabi, I just love your graphics.... you come up with the craziest ones!
Renee, sorry your mom had to leave. You just don't know how many times I have lain in bed crying and saying, "I want my MOM!" You never get too old to need your mom!! Your aerodynamic grandma cracked me up. I hated the stories about how other people did so well during chemo.... it always made me feel like such a loser. I know chemo is a wonderful thing and has saved countless lives, but lets face it, getting chemo IS NOT FUN NOR EASY.
Anyway, welcome Renee, and tell us about your poop issues or vajayjay madness any time you like!
Jane, that is crazy about having to take whole days..... go figure. They help you in one way and then make it harder as soon as you get turned around.
Love to all,
Miss S
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Dream--that is what one of my friends calls a "happy problem"....
Renee-you made me LMAO! I am continually amazed at what a marvel our bodies are! Too bad I had to loose ALL my hair to truly appreciate it's value! (I never realized that "pubes" steered the pee AWAY from my body! LOLOL) You are fortunate to have a mom you wanted near. Many of us don't/didn't! Hugs--welcome to the bitch squad!
Sue-I will check on the author later, but the book is The Last of the Savages. A friend was here & took it off the bookshelf, read that line & wanted to know if we liked it-we have NO idea where it came from! LOL
So far a good weekend-an SOI-Sat dh took me to lunch at a new organic grocery/cafe/art gallery & I managed to slide in on a cooking class. Going back next week! I love unplanned fun like that!
Hugs all-be well & stay strong
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Quickly popping by to send a big that sucks to all who need to hear it
Ha - you are only as old as you feel. But looking in the mirror is sure scary lol.
One friend protecting another lol.
Of course I would be talking about those male nurses!
Have a great day. I'm chilling out and watching football all day. No IOS for me, other than I'm totally lost with what is happening with you all. Hope my pictures brought a little smile!
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