Im bitchy, I moan, I groan.....anyway.
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Hello all,
Love this thread! Makes me feel like I am not alone after all. Yep, been there, done that, felt that, feeling that now, etc. I actually told a good friend to try chemo, it works great, when she said " How cute, wish I could wear my hair short". Didn't think about it, it just came out of my mouth. I would never say anything like that to her in a million years if I had thought about it. She is also the "friend" who right after my mast. started talking about buying bras when the "girls" got together for coffee with me. Yep, guess I did need to go buy some new bras but REALLY....
I hate to be told how good I look when I feel and look like Crap! And why do they ask how you are doing when they know they don't really want to know. Makes me sick to say, Good, really good when I'm thinking "I'm going crazy with worry and I feel like sh--t. How do you think I'm doing" And how about that eagle eye stance they get so they can see if you have any hair under your wig and when you do have hair, if it matches your wig. GOOD GRIEF CHARLIE BROWN!!
And those who say " A positive attitude will cure you and keep it from coming back". So are they saying that I had a bad attitude before and that is why I got cancer???? I HATE to be told to stay positive. I can't stay positive even 50% of the time yet so now I feel guilty because I can't be positive and it's my fault if the ca comes back. Gee Whiz thanks for the help - so called "friends".
And then, how about those really good friends that don't speak to you at all after your diagnoses? Whats up with that? Family who don't call because it is just too hard on THEM, poor babies! Can't please me can you? Hate it when they talk to me and hate it when they don't talk.
What a crab I am. And when they make a mountain out of a small little wrinkle in the day. I want to say - "Guess what, that is no big deal in the scheme of things. Try dealing with cancer and you'll see."
Okay, I'm running low on steam but feel much better having vented. To all of you who have ca and trouble with people I'm there with you and for you. CANCER STINKS!!!!! I HATE HAVING CANCER!!!!
AmyaM, good luck on your liver ultrasound Monday.
Wink
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Mourning our nipples- yep , me too. My nips were very senitive too. I could have an orgasm , if the guy knew what he was doing , just from stimulating my nips! Do I miss it? Hell yeah. I still have my left.Its not as sensitive as before. But I don't know if it is due to tamoxifen , having bc , or fear. I'm actually afraid to have my nip stimulated now , thinking its gonna stir up my hormones! I know , crazy. My bc was just beneath my nipple , and when the doc removed my breast , he said it had just started growing into my nip and thats why it was inverting , and I had a lot of pain. So I think that has some how affected my thinking of stimulating my good nipple. I don't know , but I do know that my libido is very, very low now. It seems like so much negative things have evolved since my bc dx. And people wonder why we haven't "snapped back to our old selves"? Oh lets see , the trauma of being dx'd , the trauma of surgery , the trauma of staging etc... , the trauma of losing our hair , eyelashes , brows , trauma of it growing back curly , not that curly is bad , if thats what you had all your life and was used to it. Mine was always stick straight and I knew how to style it. Trauma of tx , trauma of SE's from tx , trauma of losing sensation in our bodies , trauma of all the tests , but most of all waiting for the results , trauma of friends and or family members dropping out of sight when told "the news" , and of course the number one trauma for me is , wondering if it is still lurking in my body and will rear its ugly head again!! And I don't know if you all have experienced this , but especially this past week at work , people ask me "how are you"? And I respond "good" or "hangin in there" whatever , and then they respond ,"No , I mean really , how are you"? WTF is that? Its not bad enough that I am waiting for the "other shoe to fall" , but why are they?! I think I'll get a copy of my latest blood work and hand it to them. Alls I can say is , thank God for you ladies and my "real" friends and family that get it , and help me through.
Felicia , sorry your son has such a jerk for a dad. My ex too. He was really good before my son turned 18 , then poof , he turned into a no-show , no help dad. And the sad thing is , I couldn't do anything to help it . He was no longer "bound by law" to help financially , my son was in college and still needed our help sometimes ,and when I would talk to him about it , his wife would chime in with her opinion.
So I just helped my son all I could and he knows I care and love him. Maybe try telling you're ex how he is effecting his life. Maybe he just needs an eye opening talk from you. Good luck.xxMarie67 , I did the same thing. I got so tired of "who did you're hair" , I would say chemo did it!
AmyaM , I think I remember you from when I first post here. I think we had our surgery the same day , March 29th? Good luck with you're tests. Oh , don't get me started about docs. My onc was on vacation , and the stand in put me in tears and told me "You have to make peace with your cancer" WTF is that? Screw her. I was in an all-out war with bc , and I was in a fight to the finish. Then when I found a lump in my armpit while doing chemo , I called and my onc , was on vacation again , and she was there , I told her what I found and she said ,"we will call you back to set an appt.". Well , a week later , I called them , since no one called me , my onc was back and told him what had happened. He was livid! Asked me to come in immediately. I did. It was a subacious(msp?) cyst. So , I always find out before I go there , if my onc will be seeing me , cause I don't want to ever see her again.
OK , sorry for the long post , but I guess I just needed to release! Thanks so much for being here!xx
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wtf, another saturday night at home, sometimes i ask myself why am i at home again and then i remember, i had bc and it STOLE my life!! my self esteem disappeared, i can barely look in the mirror and the few friends that i had most of them disappeared with it. oh yeah and i am also unemployed was fired for something that was in disguise of bc discrimination because i did not suit the company image anymore and could'nt keep up with the job load of three people and they were careful enough that i could'nt even prove what they did because they covered their asses. sometimes i feel evil because i have thoughts of wanting those people to suffer like i did, i know that's horrible, but they were f....g jerks to me, i can't even get into it, all the things that you all describe here happened to me at that job. i'm glad to be out of there, but not single and unemployed in a recession after battling breast cancer.
i'm sorry to hear about everyones suffering and a big IT SUCKS to all of it.
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Dear Bluesky,
Yep, that Stinks!!!!! The people at your job should go thru half of what you've been thru and I bet they wouldn't make it at all.
Wink
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Hi bluesky , hugs to you , and a BIG that sucks!!! I seriously think they should make a law , like they did for people who get bc , that they can get reconstruction surgery , and the ins. has to pay for it , well , I think there should be a law that anyone having bc or any cancer , cannot be fired for at least 3 years after dx. You go through so much , and to lose your job on top of all this!?! Its so unfair. Good luck to you.xx Melody
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wink and melody-thanks for the support, melody i love the idea of that law. i'm a bigger believer in karma, so i know they have what's coming to them, still it bugs me.
sorry one more vent, my ex boyfriend the cheater, since we broke up has had nothing but good things happen to him, he's an artist and has had a few showings of his art and sold many of his paintings and he bought a house and is doing so well, and he's a big fat creep that cheated on me and many others and yet his life is going great, and mine seems to be going down the drain. i just don't get it??sometimes all i see is good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people.
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bluesky , how about a little voodoo for the ex , it'll make you feel better!lol
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thanks melody, lol, it's perfect!!
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That's not where I would have stuck the pins.
otter
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lol otter.... you're so wicked!
Miss S
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Hi girls, I've had a few glasses of wine and lost at Uno and Hotizie (sp?) with my bro and mom...I really shouldnt' be typing but had to come check it out and..... holy moly!
Brooklyn, you need a bc survivor in that industry!!! Then, You are in! look, I can help you withthis.... sorry my typing is bab..Miss Shapens lips are laughing right in my face!!!! lol!!!! I have a way to get to the head honcho's of big co's. ..PM me some company names, or call me and we'll find out who had cancer! There's your in girl! I'm so serious , I can get the execs in the department you want and I'll call (not knowing you of course) I'm doing a article or bit for a book and find another survivor. I can totally to this for you. the axcess to the execs is free (4 my boss lol) and I can do the rest.
I just got severe hiccups.
k...ambeim and wine.....woooooo....kikin in. I need to go nighty nite,' "I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:"""""
CANCER SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Okay, the award for funniest post of the week goes to Traci for the above post.
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I just love this thread!!
Bluesky - employers like that suck - and I know, I'm also unemployed due to my diagnosis. The day before my ooph (which of course I worked), my supervisor was cleaning out my desk - while I was working!! While at home recovering, I'm hearing allegations of "large" errors that I made - and I NEED to stay home and take care of my health and not "worry" about work. Stupid asses, I'm not worried about work - I'm worried about feeding my family. Of course, the allegations aren't necessary - I'm not there to tell them that because it's a very small company, the FMLA doesn't apply to them - nor does the ADA.
So, here I sit for eight weeks (longer than I took after my kids were born) going stir crazy, and dipping into my retirement money to keep the house and feed everyone. Maybe I should go make some voodoo dolls.
Barbara
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Bluesky and Barbara , this ones for you!
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Just stopping by to say hello and lend a big "that sucks" to anyone that needs it. No bitching for me today. Spring has arrived in Chicagoland - so not much to upset me. I figure wait until tomorrow as there will always be another encounter related to breast cancer. As it never really does stop. Does it?
Dont know how far to go back, so I think I will stick to this page and move forward from here.
Wink: Your words rang so true. Have experienced alot of what you said. "You look good today." Hmmmm does that mean before chemo I looked awful? "Postive attitude." Yeah - just get diagnosed, go through surgery, get chemo and stay positive. Screw that. Despite being 3 years out I hate going to social gatherings because people still tell me how good I look. I must have been a real ugly duckling before treatment. How can they say I look good, when my hair is not the same, Im fat from all the treatment, the dark circles under my eyes seem to be permanent. Geesh give me a break all you people who dont know what the heck its like to be diagnosed with bc. Just for once, give me a friggin break.
Honeygirl: Cant believe at the age of 58 I still get embarrassed when I talk about my real nips. But what all you said, goes for me too.
Bluesky: Amazing employers can get away with what they do. Here in Illinois there is a fire at will law - so hard to fight when being let go. I hear about so many who have lost their jobs because of bc and I took get evil thoughts of revenge - its only natural. Trying to figure out what will happen from here? My life was stolen also. Just dont go to social gatherings. Was once active, fun at a party, laughed alot - now staying home is much safer. It reminds me of that song.
Another Saturday night and I aint got no money
Breast cancer came and stole my life away.
...Loved the voodoo doll.
...LMAO at Otters comment.
Traci: Hahahah hope you dont have a headache this morning.
Barbara: Yep the whole work thing sucks.
Time to go take a walk. If someone says anything nasty to you, just tell them to eat their cake.
Your friend
Nicki
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Bluesky and Barbara,
that's so-o-o-o horrible!
I told Bluesky a little bit about how horrible my boss was to me during my dx and surgeries -- I suppose there are worse things than job/job-loss stress but it's wa-a-a-a-y up there. My boss and her boyfriend ("entitled" to act like boss because of his relationship to her) turned into animals -- like a pack of predators that chase the sickly one out of the pack -- it was so OUT! They really seemed nuts -- they were so furious with me for "having been" sick (and they wanted it to be all over, 2 weeks after mastectomy and recon, no limitations on my work hours!). I work for a big institution, so I went to "corporate counseling" for one visit and the counselor agreed with my take that some people (my bosses) go psycho around cancer. I went to HR and transferred to a different position in the institution. Then, of course, my boss screamed that everybody had stabbed her in the back by "taking me away from her!"
Bitch.
Her profession? Doctor...
Sorry to vent this old news -- but it was the worst -- I'll never forget it. And I know how terrified I was that they would fire me -- and our HR was so bad I didn't even know about FMLA until months after I could have used it. So anyway, this is just to say that I feel so deeply what Barbara and Bluesky are going through, because I've felt the threat of it for so long (new position isn't so great either). Honeygirl, love the pic you posted!
Ann
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i was going through some pics on my computer today and saw one of me, from the back, taken a year before diagnosis....2 to 3 sizes smaller.
i'm getting more and more despondent over my weight and my appetite. it's only 11:30 a.m. and i'm hungry for a cheeseburger, french fries and a chocolate milkshake. Instead i'm eating oatmeal, with ground flax, cinnamon and honey in it. i have to run out today and i can tell already i'm going to end up at a fast food place because this healthy stuff is not satisfying me at all. i want my old body back and can't find the willpower to get there. i feel like a hungry cow.
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gsg: Ha ha, Im going to go eat a decadent chocolate donut, covered with chocolate icing, and chocolate sprinkles. Still can get rid of that sugar craving. Then pretend Im ok - cause surely a short walk will make everything better.
Nicki
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Morning all ... what a great idea!! Just vent and spew and get it off your chest - or, what's left of your chest !!
In no particular order -
Hair - I miss my nose hair. I'm tired of snot running for no apparent reason. I don't want to hold stock in the Kleenex company but I may as well. I have Kleenex in every room of the house, in my purse, in my car and probably in every pocket of every jacket I have. My head hair hasn't hardly started back yet. The pissy little fuzz that is there is like dryer lint. I'm like a new born baby with that fuzz that will only likely fall out again !! I'm tired of hats. I'm tired of scarfs, and, what a waste of money that wig was. I've only worn it twice - it's like having a bathing cap on my head and I hate it.
And don't anyone tell me "gee, you look great". Piss off !!! Bite me !!! Wanna look inside - I look like crap and feel worse than that sometimes. Would they feel better if I looked terrible? Cancer patients should look like the walking dead .. and they waiting for me to look like I'm knocking at death's door? Geez, Ive got the round steriod face, I've gained weight, the veins in my face look like I'm a hard core drinker and don't even start with the dry, lizzard skin !!!
I'm sitting here with both my thumbs covered as the nails are lifting - thank you doxetaxol.
Oh yeh, need to cream up .. radiation burns and itching - yeh, I'm just doing friggin great.
Careful about what you eat .. either diarrhea or constipation, yeh, that's a joy too.
Shouldn't you call the doctor about x, y or z .... have you taken your meds ... just shut up ...
What's my INR ... yeh, blood tests twice a week thanks to the blood clot that chemo gave me. It's really nice to have a slight bump and get a bruise thanks to the blood thinners to try to keep the clot out of my lungs and having that kill me ...
You've got such a good attitude - don't even get me started. What would they prefer - that every time they see me I should break down in tears. You're so strong, you're so brave ... get lost - leave me in my denial. What other choice do I have - crawl in a corner ..
Energy - what's that? I used to walk regularly, think nothing of heading out of the house. Now it's a careful consideration of whether or not I should do one load of laundry !!!
I'm sure there's more ... but you know what ... that's my dump for now ... thanks for listening.
PS - believe it or not ... for the most part I am doing okay and I do plan to beat this ... but ... every now and then, every now and then ... the bitching is important - especially to those of you who "get it" and will not judge me and tell me to pick myself up ...
PSS - and, my work is very supportive. For those of you not so fortunate ... that sucks !!
Cancer sucks ... it absolutely, positively sucks !!!
Laura in Victoria0 -
Yes, the sugar cravings. When I was diagnosed the first time, my sister gave me a whole pound of See's Marzipan candy. I ate the whole thing myself in a few days. I figured, WTF...I have Cancer and I'm gonna eat. And did I ever! I ate my way through chemo and gained 20 pounds. My cute little size 9 pants are now hanging in the garage since I can't stand to look at them. After my TRAM surgery I was told not to gain any weight. HUH??? Oh, yeah, easy. I'm sitting on my rear all day on my couch so there's no way I'll gain weight. After my 6 week check up I was given the green light to work out. I had lost 12 pounds since ending chemo and was actually enjoying working out and then...the dreaded second diagnosis last week. Every candy bar, bag of chips, fast food restaurant, hot fudge sundae, doughnut shop, deep fried anything is screaming my name. I want comfort food like mashed potatoes, meatloaf, french fries and ice cream...lots of ice cream!
Flippin' A! The dang cat just puked on my carpet...not one or two places but THREE. I am gonna skin her! Do they make voo doo dolls for pets?????
I'm heading back to bed...This day SUCKS already!
Linda
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Ladies....all that crap SUCKS!!!!
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Laura in Victoria - welcome, and yes, it sucks....dryer lint...lol.
All - there's something about how cathartic the rants are that just helps enormously.
And I know the rants aren't meant to be funny, right, but there's something about the force of it that I often end up laughing until I cry (laughing WITH you all btw, not at you)...
and the sweets, yes, know that one well. My most recent thing - nothing unhealthy foodwise enters the doors of my home - so you can guess what happens, right? lol....yep, you got it - so I eat out! but really it does help, eating a lot more vegies and less sugar when I'm home.
but right now it's the dairy cravings that are intense...and bacon, I want bacon.....but not supposed to do the salt. and the no dairy no soy deal is supposed to be better post cancer, but no, what do I want, a breakfast burrito with cheese and bacon, yum, sounds so good!
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Oh, Linda...
I literally laughed out loud when I read this: "I'm sitting on my rear all day on my couch so there's no way I'll gain weight."
And now I remember all the meat loaf, mashed potatoes, chips, cookies, ice cream I've consumed...
(Maybe I NEED a cat puking on my carpet to kill my appetite!)
But it does suck -- 2nd dx above all.
SUCKS!
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Linda - SECOND dx?!! How'd I miss that. sigh.....sux.
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hi everyone,
traci you are too funny, i will pm you.
barbara-sorry you too are unemployed, it sucks big time, my ex employers did the same thing as soon as they found out i had bc they were plotting on how to get rid of me, in nyc the law is you are an at will employee they can fire you at anytime, i was terrified that they were going to let me go during treatments, but after a big battle with them they agreed for me to work at home part-time, when i went back they made my life miserable and i lasted 9 months and then they fired me over a very small error, they even had me sign papers that i would not go after them and if i did'nt sign the papers they would not give me the one month severance package, i needed the money so i signed the forms, i regret it now, but i am still going to write the ceo a letter, even though it's been three months. i had no energy initially to do anything.
honeygirl, chemosabi, ann-hi and thanks for your sympathy.
laura from victoria-welcome, i too am canadian, sorry that you had to join this site, but you will find alot of support here, i went thru treatment in 2007 and everything you've described was the same for me, it SUCKS BIG TIME.
no bitching for me today
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and y'all are making me laugh to hard.....more later.....I'm with Linda....I'm going back to bed.
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This is what is boils down to then. Hangovers on Sundays following Saturday nite games of Uno and...could it have been Yatzee?...or maybe it really was Hotizie...I only know blackjack and poker. No sex so we get off on popping zits, we get off on OTHER girls popping zits, deranged chests, deranged brains, fongooling the deserving, losing jobs because there's a new flaw in performance that somehow was never there before bc but now is a flaming problem, husbands who probably always were butts but have become obviously bigger butts. And speaking of butts, now that junk in the trunk butt's are the look to have, why is it the fat now doesn't go to the butt, it goes to the gut? I'd be awesome if my head was on backwards. Looking through this whole site is a bummer. We do not deserve this shit!! I want - I want us all - to be young and tan and skinny at the beach again with any cute guy rubbing coconut oil on our backs with a Pina Colada in hand or a cooler of Bud nearby. With our nipples!! What happened?
This stuff is pure shit. I mean when does it stop? Is this why we don't go out anymore, cause we think if we move it'll get us? Stay still and lay low and it may not find us? How does anyone get through this without drugs? And how humane is this that alcohol is bad for us just when it can really do some good? I'm going to go spend some money on a half dozen donuts and a tall iced coffee.
Oh, I forgot, sugar is bad. We deserve better. ALL OF US! Some of the women around here actually do spinning and rock climbing and actual exercise. Now my exercise is doing dishes and the laundry. Occasionally the floors. Why don't I want to rock climb or spin? Does anyone here? Oh, does anyone here ever put that extra bit of effort into dressing for your doc's or is that just my own personal derangement. BTW, DebC, just how'd the zit popping turn out?, I've been waiting for an update...I really have isn't that crazy!?!?! Deranged. 0 -
"Is this why we don't go out anymore, cause we think if we move it'll get us? Stay still and lay low and it may not find us?"
Wow, that hit home with me Hannah.
"Oh, does anyone here ever put that extra bit of effort into dressing for your doc's or is that just my own personal derangement" This made me lol
And, it was Yatzee.
oops... I think they call that TWI on the drinking thread. Typing While Intoxicated. : - )c y'all later
Traci
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Traci - appears you're fine after last night. That's good! Sure enjoyed your drunkeness, I have to say! Laughed till I almost shit myself. Which is good, btw. Why did no one tell me about the constipation?
I, too, am WAY curious about Deb's puss-filled zits. How's that shit going, Deb?
No rant to add to the pool, just helping DH pack for Japan. Yeah, run away, who needs your help. Go eat some rancid sushi.
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I laughed so hard my ribs are sore....a zit poppin' update? Well who am I to deprive you all of some fun....LOLOL
I popped about 6 or 7 that turned into scaly scabs....an attractive new look for me. Now I have a new crop that I very carefully popped with a clean pin this morning and wiped with an astringent. Now I have scabs, red spots, and a rashy dry patch on both cheeks. I look like a drunk after a 6 week bender, broken blood vessels and all. I wonder what people would say if I started wearing a veil??? LOLOL
You have to keep laughing....
Deb C
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